placing a parent in a nursing home.

If this is about your dad and his needs - is there a way for him to get back into the nursing home he loved?  It is rare that people love the nursing home they are in - and if he is comfortable with each sibling making the trip every couple of weeks so he has visitors weekly - would it be best for him?   He may be feeling as much a prisoner in his own home as the family is a prisoner to his care needs, bad for everybody and then getting along with each other isn't as easy either when no one is happy.  Have you tried a family sit-down with him and find out what he really wants to do?

Thats a good idea, to ask him what he wants.  I mean all of us together.  I don't think any of us has actually asked him point blank.  I have tried to talk to him,  I knew this was coming with no care,  I carefully asked the questions what will you do if no one can be found?  He got mad at me,  then he cried.  I told him we did not want to toss him in a nursing home and forget him,  we did not work so hard to get him to this point to throw him out.  I think the nursing home that he was in knew,  they loved him,  But the admissions lady told me, everyone deserves the right to go home and fail,  so she knew.  I wondered at the time I was against him coming home,  I didn't think we were prepared for all that was to come,  another sister shared those feelings.  But two said they will fill the gaps when the care giver wasn't there.  Bad thing to say,  I find the caregivers are not there on their scheduled times very ;often.  We all work.  We all have children.  None of us are rich.  None of can afford to make our homes handycapped equipted.  his home is,  we had it all made handicapped for him,  ramp, bathroom, door sills,  One of my sisters got a grant for 10.000.00 so it paid for it.  WE can't find anyone willing to live with him.  He has had two different people there,  one said she couldn't handle it anymore, to much,  and the other one is just now leaving she can't take it,  he kicked out her boyfriend,  told her to make a choice him or the boyfriend so guess who she picked.  I buy between 120.00 and 160.00 dollars worth of groceries every two week for him,  my husband doesn't know.  they whold time he was in the nursing home,  I was the one who drove, used my car my gas,  I bought candy and little things for him every week about a hundred a week I spent.  I am exhausted,  I am done I have no ;more.  two of my sisters don't have decent cars to make the trip so I drove.  Had a van and there were 7 of us who went every week.  He is very demanding of us,  I know he tries not to,So I took a tour of a home near me five minutes from me,  good reviews on it,  I really liked it I put his name on a list,   To me its a safty issue,  he is blind,  can't walk,  has a cathiter,  and has no control on his pooping.  He had a stage four bed sore,  so that is a potential disaster waiting to happen,  so he must be turned at night three or four times so someone has to live with him,  I guess one of us could divorce, leave our jobs and tell our kids goodbye,  but I don't think that fair.  So we live with guilt, remorse and wonder if god will punish us when we get elderly.

Wow, I feel your pains....I have struggled over what's best for my mom as well. She is in great shape physically though, with her it's mostly mentally. I have entertained the thought and then dismissed the thought with other options. My mom simply detests and vows never to set foot in a nursing home.

In your case it's a bit different ,your step-dad wants to  go but the family seems against it. If you ever come down to the actually considering putting him in a nsg. home, it might be much easier to do so knowing that's his wish. However, as far as the guilt part goes ask yourselves if you had a desperate wish...would you want it honored or not.  With dad though, I'm also wondering is he just telling you guys that he prefers a nsg. home out of all his angers/frustrations and does he truly mean it?

Regardless, this is a big decision and should be handled with care. If this helps at all...let me share a bit of my experience of working as a patient care assistant in the nursing home. I've had many sane elderly people tell me that they were contented at the nusrsing home because they didn't want to be a burden on their family. However most of these patients were also patients who recieve frequent visitis from their concerned family members and felt they could air or voice any problems to their family members who in turn were able to adress the problems/concerns with the director of nursing or the administrator.

In my opinion the key to placing your parents in the nursing homes is "very frequent visits" and also doing the "pop-up visits". This way that patient (mentally) tends to get labeled on the nsg. home VIP(treat the patient with quality care)  list my many personnell, if you know what I mean. Not to say this is true in all nsg. homes...just bare in mind that this is what I've noticed based on MY experiences. I often times felt sorry for the elderly patients who had no families or seldom recieve visitors, also the ones who could not communicate thier wishes or concerns at all. Some families hire sitters or again as stated before do the freq. visits and the home works out as a great option.

I always tried to make up for the less fortunate ones by treating them with extra tender loving care. I can't say that the feeling was as mutual with others. As with anything in life their are the good and the not so good....just being frank.  Also, trust me those decubitis (bed-sores) are nothing to play with and can transit to other stages. Make sure your dad is getting the best of medical attention for those sores and it's great that you guys are keeping him turned/mobile in bed.

If your dad is yet at home and things "pan" out ....I hope that a media is met whereas dad and the family both are able to get along fine. You could also consider hiring a private sitter that does respite care to relieve the family  members and give them a break. Have the sitter do only part time or flexible "crucial"  hours if the family can't afford a big expense. Home health aides may even be covered thru. his medi. insurance....check it out if you haven't already. Well, that's it and I hope this helps a bit and God Bless.

I feel for you all!  It seems to me that what he misses the most, from the nursing home, is the companionship of others his own age, and the knowledge that he is understood, that his needs will be taken care of.  I urge you all to sit down and talk with him, but before that, find out if there is a Sunrise community in your area.  When my Dad had a stroke, that left him incapacitated, I moved him to one, and moved my Mom(she has dementia) into a studio across the hall from him, (they always fought, and I was afraid that with her fragile state of mind, if she found that he had passed away in the night, in the same apt she was in, that she would spiral out of our ability to reach her.)  They were both happy there, and after he passed away, I moved her into a larger one-bedroom apt.  It is not cheap, but if you sell his house, you can put the money into the bank (it took 1 1/2 years to sell my Mom's house in this market!) and into CD's, and use that, along with SS, to pay his rent.  If you CAN get him into a nursing home that takes Medicaid, more power to you...but those are the ones that have long lists to get into.  Maybe keep him on that list, but private pay for a while, while you try to sell the house?  Believe me, they need friends their own age, and others to talk to, who are not always feeling guilty about the care they are getting.  We love them, they know it...but just as WE need friends of our own, so do they.  Good luck!

I hope that the family has been able to work thru this situation by now.  However, should anyone else read this post and need some direction, check with the nursing home (or hospital) where the senior has been receiving care.  They often have social workers or case managers on staff that deal with these types of situations on a regular basis. If the facility does not have help on staff, there are Geriatric Care Managers who are independent consultants who can possibly help. You can find a local one at http://www.caremanager.org/ [caremanager.org] or even check with your county social services.  If you feel that the dad's mental state is an issue, it may help him to have someone who is impartial and neutral to talk to.  If so, check out http://www.gmhfonline.org/gmhf/find.asp [gmhfonline.org] to find one near you.  Trust me when I tell you that there are multiple resources available to help IF you know how to find them.  We faced this six years ago when my mother-in-law first started exhibiting signs of dementia.  Since then, I've researched and found over 500 websites that offer information or resources for families.  The help is out there - just start "googling" and you'll be amazed at what you find.   Regardless, assume positive intent (that ALL parties involved are doing the best they can under difficult circumstances) and accept your own limitations and those of others.  Take care of yourself and your loved ones to the best of your ability and let go of the rest! 

Try the local Ombudsman program if you are a United State citizen. By law, each state is supposed to have such a program. An ombudsman is free of cost to you and your father. They are supported by funds from charities, fed. gov and state gov.You can call the senior citizen services of your state for the phone number. This is a link that can help you:http://www.theseniorsource.org/pages/nursinghome.html [theseniorsource.org]. Also talk with the doctor see what he thinks.

Right now the important thing is to keep your father actively engaged in conversation and learning as much new stuff as possible. Try to make him feel as though he has an active part in deciding his care.

See if the doctor will recommend some extended theraphy for your Dad. If you can interest him in it get him a computer. Studies reveal that seniors who use computers stave off a lot of the problems with aging. Get him some audio books and then he can follow along with the script of the book as it is read out loud.

See what your father thinks. Also have him tested by his doctor etc. to see if there are other problems besides that could be contributing to his behavior now.

 I am an only child/caretaker of my 89 year old mother.  She stopped driving 5 years ago.  Since then I have been doing all of the grocery shopping, errands, beauty parlor and Dr,s appointments.  This past year she rarely leaves the house and her dementia is getting worse.  Last year my husband and I thought it best to have her stay with us.  That lasted 6 or 7 months.  She complained about being hot, being cold, living out too far in the country, only cows, no people, bathroom too far down the hallway, bathtub too small.  She has a big jet tub at her house.  Needless to say, I moved her back into her home.

Now I spend 4 to 6 hours a day helping her.  At age 73, my husband and I have no life of our own.  She will not hire anyone to help her.  Now that her dementia is worse and she forgets how to do things I pay her bills for her. I also take her food on a daily basis as she refuses Meals on Wheels.  She can support herself and has some savings.  Her saving would deminish quickly if she had to spend $2,000 a month for someone to come in and care for her. 

She has a low middleclass income and can not go on medicade so there is no help for us.  Last week she fell and broke her nose and blackened both eyes.  It was a bad fall.  After refusing to go to the E.R. we spent 3 hours at the Dr's office and then took a day for some tests. It is a big burden because I'm no "spring chicken" and it tires me out.

Conclusion:  Right now she will remain in her home.  She may have to move back with us or use her little saving and home for nursing home care.  I donot want her in a Nursing Home unless her physical condition and mind deteriate more.

I have no guilt over my feelings of  frustration in having to take care of her.  Really,  she isn't  N.H. material yet, however, some folks get better care in a N.H. than they would get at home with loving caregivers, so my advise is.....Ladies and Gentlemen, do not have UNEARNED GUILT.  It just adds to the whole problem that you didn't start and somehow are holding yourself responsable to resolve.

Sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job under very difficult circumstances.  And you are right on target with your comment about "unearned guilt."  So keep doing the best you can but also know when and where to check for help.  There may be some community or church services available to you to help you, even if just for a few hours.  Please be advised that falls are a serious health risk for the elderly.  I won't quote all the statistics but please know that falls are the leading cause of injury deaths for elderly over 80 years old.  You don't say what caused her to fall but common risk factors are medications, environmental hazards (things in the home that create problems, like rugs, etc.), balance / gait problems or lack of muscle strength.  You may want to check out www.FallPrevention.org [FallPrevention.org] for more suggestions for ways to keep her safe for as long as she's in her home.  Hope this helps. 

Sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job under very difficult circumstances.  And you are right on target with your comment about "unearned guilt."  So keep doing the best you can but also know when and where to check for help.  There may be some community or church services available to you to help you, even if just for a few hours.  Please be advised that falls are a serious health risk for the elderly.  I won't quote all the statistics but please know that falls are the leading cause of injury deaths for elderly over 80 years old.  You don't say what caused her to fall but common risk factors are medications, environmental hazards (things in the home that create problems, like rugs, etc.), balance / gait problems or lack of muscle strength.  You may want to check out www.FallPrevention.org [FallPrevention.org] for more suggestions for ways to keep her safe for as long as she's in her home.  Hope this helps. 

 I am very interested in this conversation.  First, I send warmest regards and prayers to each of you who are engaged with parents and trying to do the best thing for them.  My mom just had open heart surgery and is even more forgetful, I think, than before surgery.  I understand this to be normal.  She lived independently and was very active before the surgery.  Now she has only been home for 1 week, forgets a LOT, and forgets that she forgets.  I know this is 'of course,' but it IS hard to deal with.  I live out of her state and the only sibling who lives near to her has just started an intense higher-degree program in college.  We are trying to think about what type of situation might be best for her.  I can only remain with her for several more days before i must return home.  There is a local health care group who is sending kind and thoughtful caregivers to her home.  Some neighbors are willing to look in on her, though I am not sure what to ask them to do.  She is trying hard to take care of herself and is recovering quickly.  It is hard to watch, though, when she does not know what to make for herself for food.  I want to make lists for her and am not sure what kind of list will help her the most.   I am trying to look into continuing care communities in her area BUT, it is predictable that we might all live away from her within a couple of years.   From the posts in this thread, i can see that it is important for her to receive both regular and irregular visits.  Yet, where I live, the cost of living is probably too great for her to live there.  if she stays here, she can be near to her church and a community she likes, even though she has few friends.  I am very interested to learn more from those of you with much more experience.

visit nursing home help center.com 

Holiday Retirement Living has been great for my family.They provide most all ammenties and all

meals.I have learned to understand that not all people are cut out to work with seniors.But they have proven to me that,they are special people.My mom and dad are very picky and hard to work

with.But they have done a great job.One other great thing is they are nation wide.

I wanted to write to you and give you my email address for I can really feel your pain over your loved one.  moffittshine@yahoo.com.

My dad just left and he is 90 and lives with my sister in NC. as of right now.  He pays $500 a month and then picks up one of the grocery shopping days here and there.  Maybe another $150.  My sister gets to leave and go to the lake house on the weekends Fri to Sun and they have a girl that comes in for $150. a day, she pays her and then will have these deductions off of his will in the end.  It is only fair and seems to take alot off of the stress of the money issues the creep into you and your husbands life.  She notifies in writing to all the kids in our family the money issues.  When my dad finally passes there will be no money in the end.  All that will go back to her.  You are doing a great job but beware of the bedsores.....Write when and if you want to talk later on more of a personal level.  Where are you located anyway? Let me know

Sincerely

Margaret