My husbands parents have finally been convinced, perhpas coerced, into giving up the family home. They are both in their 80s. The big house is too expensive and too much to manage. The kids worry about what if. What if one should die, then the other clearly not manage alone in the big house. So they are looking to downsize most likely to senior housing of some sort.
The question is where should they relocate. The parents currently live in Maryland. My sister in law lives 20 minutes away. She is called on occassionally to drive to doctor appointments and help with other small tasks. The assumption is that they will move somewhere near her.
My husband and I live in California. My mother-in-law would love to live in California. She has friends here and the weather is much easier on her. My father-in-law will be happy where ever his wife is happiest. But my husband is reluctant to investigate this option. So here is my question.
Should parents locate near a daughter (my sisters say yes)? Are sons less capable of providing the kind of support parents need?
Hi Grace!
I can definitely see how that would be a tough decision both for them and for you and your husband (and SIL too! ) . You mentioned your husband is reluctant to have them move near you- how does your SIL feel about having them stay in her area? Is she able to handle the current situation of running the occasional errands and tasks for them without feeling overwhelmed? If so, and you all feel like it wouldn't substantially increase her workload by them staying in her area, I would lean towards the decision of having them stay near her. It's not that I doubt the ability of sons to be able to take care of their parents as well as daughters can, I just think there would be advantages such as your in-laws not having to switch doctors, learn a new area, etc.
As always, take my opinion with a grain of salt- only you, your husband, and your in-laws know each other best!!
Keep us updated and best of luck with a tough decision!
Lisa
Hi Grace! Welcome to Caring's groups! I'm glad you posted.
We've been in a similar situation with both my parents and my MIL. In both cases, the parents ended up near the daughter. LOL My MIL has significant health problems and had to move into a continuing care retirement community. There are plenty in my SIL's area and ours. The offer was in both towns (roughly 3 1/2 hours apart). Hands down, she chose to be close to my SIL. I took no offense because we have a fantastic and loving relationship with her. She just, obviously, felt more comfortable being near her daughter.
My parents are still living independently but recently moved about 600 miles to be close to me. Again in this situation, they are super close to my brothers who lived near them. They just wanted to be in a warmer and less expensive area.
Perhaps something that would help your husband is talking about boundaries. What causes his reluctance? Is it the obligations that potentially come along with parents living nearby? What may help is educating yourselves about the services available to seniors in your area. Are there senior centers with loads of activities? Are there transportation services for things like routine doctor appointments?
My last bit of advice is to talk to your in-laws. Is there any way you can, in a roundabout way, gauge their interest in moving to CA? It's possible that doesn't even appeal to them for whatever reason.
Good luck! I'll be anxious to hear an update!
I only grudingly acknowledge gender difference, except of course when I can make fun of my husband's inability to find anything in the fridge.
While the overall stats (National Alliance of Caregives and AARP did a study in 2004; you can see the study on their site [caregiving.org] [caregiving.org]) do confirm that the caregiving role falls more often to women, I'd like to believe that it has to do with the relationship that the children have with their parents and the current amount of time that the children have in their life for taking care of their parents (and not some chromosome).
The end result might be the same; I just need to believe that women are not destined to be better at cleaning the bathroom than taking out the trash.
What's your husband's relationship with his parents like? Is he mollifier? confidant? Does he have interest and time to spend with them? Does he enjoy flow or results?
Mom and I moved in together in 2005. She has since been diagnosed with dementia and I have become a full time caregiver as well as a full time employee at my day job. It's been both rewarding and difficult. Mom and I have always been close and I'm glad that I can help her out, but I'm quickly on the road to burnout after nearly 3 years. Would I do it over if I knew then what I know now? Probably not. Not because I haven't treasured our time together, but because I am single and have no support or assistance. I think that Mom has suffered because of this.
Rilera answers the question about my husband's reluctance to become the main support for his parents were they to move to California. He is unsure of his abilities to provide adequate care for them and thus they will suffer. I think it is more his concern over their sufferring than the giving of his own time. He has a great relationship with his parents and they would love to spend more time with him and to live in California. But ultimatly everyone has a sense they would be better off staying in Maryland and living near my SIL. California is too much change and too much unknown for my PIL to weather at this stage in their lives. Thank you Rilera for bringing your own story here to shed light on my situation.
Grace, I was ill-prepared to become a full time caregiver to someone with dementia. I've had no experience with children, someone with dementia becomes very child-like, at least that has been my experience. I think that if you asked Mom she would say that she is quite happy 95% of the time. But she was not able to make friends when we moved in together so she's lost that social interaction. BTW, I have several caregiver friends who are male. One took care of both of his parents for 9 years until they passed. But it is pretty rare to see males as caregivers. That task usually falls on us women.
IF YOU BEGIN WHERE THIS THREAD BEGINS, AND JUST READ, THERE IS SOMETHING YOU MAY WISH TO CONSIDER. CAREGIVERS AND/OR POTENTIAL CAREGIVERS ARE N O T THE ONLY ONES READING THESE POSTS. I, FOR EXAMPLE, AM THE "DYIN"! I AM NOT SURE THAT YOU ARE AWARE THAT THE "BIGGEST PIECE" (the ill) VERY OFTEN READ ALL POSTS & RESPONSES.
WHAT WE 'CAN' SEE, IS PERHAPS NOT THE MESSAGE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SENDING! TO SOME IT SOUNDS LIKE, "YOU CAN HAVE HIM, WE DON'T WANT HIM"!!; OR "HOW CAN WE BEST ACCOMPLISH THIS WITH A MINIMUM OF DISRUPTION TO "OUR LIFE'S"!!
HOW ABOUT HOW TRANSPARENT THIS FORUM REALLY IS. MANY OF YOU USE YOUR ACTUAL NAMES, THAT WHEN COUPLED WITH THE DETAILS YOU PROVIDE, MAKE IT EASY FOR A COURIOUS LOVED ONE, TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER AND ID THEMSELVES!
JUST A CAUTION KIDS!
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