Moving parent to assisted living facility

Hi Clair,

Welcome to groups! We're so glad you've found us.

It does sound like you're having quite the time with your father. I would be very concerned, too! Have you checked with his doctor, and explained the situation to him? Your doctor's office may have some referral information that could help convince your father that he needs some assistance in some way. Has he visited any care facilities to see what is offered? I've seen so many lovely ones where the residents interact with one another and socialize and have parties, all the while having someone on hand to help take care of the business of living.

Someone else may have some better suggestions for you, and do let us know how things are going.

~Laura

Hi Clair,

We're in almost the same boat with my 91-year-old mom, who has slight dementia but not enough to be declared incompetent.  She now has an aide during the day to help with meals and the like;  her physician agrees and supports the need for in-home care, and she'll listen to him to a degree.  And now that she's gotten to know the aide, they get along well, but if Mom would agree to transfer to assisted living it would be a blessing and relief for our family.  Mom was in the hospital last week and we tried, with her doc's encouragement, to have her transferred to a beautiful assisted living facility on a trial basis.  She adamantly refused, stating "my girls (meaning my sisters and I) take good care of me."

The case manager told us that it's a free country, and sometimes that means people are free to make the wrong decisions about how to live.  I can't say that I agree with him, though I see his point. 

Perhaps you could begin by arranging for an aide to "drop in" a few times a week to help him out.  He might be more accepting of a male aide, and you might be able to find one who could run some errands for him, prepare a few meals, and even keep an eye on his health (Is he taking his meds on schedule?  Does he need a ride to the doctor's office?) 

I think the biggest hurdle is getting some older folks to trust an "outsider."  Meals on Wheels, at least in my community, has several different delivery people; familiarity is important to the elderly to build trust.  We found our aide through a trusted neighbor.  Since the aide is a friend of a family friend, Mom was much more accepting of her.  Does your father belong to a church or other organization?  That might be a good place to start asking around for assistance for him.  You could hire through a professional agency, too, of course.

Good luck.  Please know that you are not alone, and I hope that all goes well for you and your father.

Dear Clair,

I feel for you. In November, my mother had a particularly difficult medical illness, and we thought she needed more time to rehab before returning home with my dad. But she outright refused. She was totally beligerent. She spent one entire hospital day refusing to do anything. Refusing to talk to any family member. She convinced her doctor and all the hospital staff that she could do what she wanted. (Of couse, those other people did not see how much my father had to care for her at home - how dependent she was on him and had taken for granted that he could lift her when she didn't rise from the lift-chair. How dependent she was on my brother when she would fall and Dad could not lift her 250 pounds from the floor. How dependent she had become that she had a nurse daughter who could play case manager/pseudo doctor. How dependent she had become on other of my siblings and their immense knowledge.) Frustrated, yes!

And, her doctor refused to say that she was not of right mind to make her own medical decisions. That was the first time I'd ever heard someone say that 'we have the right to make our own decisions, even if they are the WRONG decisions.' I got it. But I didn't like it. See, we just couldn't let her have the resulting consequences of those wrong decisions. What ultimately happened in my situation was that one of my sisters interrupted her extremely committed life and came home again for a week to be with Mom and Dad. She gave me and my brother some time off. A reprieve. He and I were so mad - that time off was very needed. It gave my dad some help and someone with a different frame of reference, a little more optimistic, but also very firm with Mom.

I think the fact that our medical care had afforded people living much longer with chronic conditions - that is putting us in some tremendous dilemmas that just didn't happen much. And, in generations past, grandparents may have been living with family, rather than alone. It's a different world, so much more independence while aging. I'm hopeful that geriatric care managers will become more prominent and vocal in helping us thru these situations.

Don't be afraid to have frank discussions with your father. I would most certainly make specific plans for who will do what, now that no family lives close by. Plan out several scenarios, if this, then that. Get him transportation thru your county elderly and disabled transportation provider. They are supposed to be available everywhere. Everywhere by law. They will meet him at his door, so he needs to be able to get to the door himself or with someone else's help. He should be able to bring along one caretaker, if needed. Every county has some form or elderly case managers. Usually, a home visit is arranged, so a home assessment can be made and services then offered. Again, he can refuse, however. But with time, that may change.

Another thing I've learned over the years - we live our lives how we want to. We tend to die the way we want to, also. So no matter how you try to change him, he's going to do what he wants. It's up to you to handle your response to this and to the resulting circumstances that happen. That's the hard one when you think circumstances could be better. I welcome your continued discussion with this.

Hi Clair, My husband and I just placed my mother in-law into assisted living this week. She went "kicking and screaming". She was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Plus Syndrome. It has many of the same symptoms of Parkinson's but is much more severe. It is very agressive and attacks the brain and the whole body. We have seen her deteriorate at a very rapid pace. When trying to discuss moving into assisted living with her she would go into a rage and adamently refuse. In just a few months time we found she was unable to remember how to use the telephone or the remote control for the T.V. and would frequently get the two confused with one another. She could no longer use the microwave to heat up meals I sent over to her, she refused any in-home care and constantly denied there was anything wrong with her. She has balance issues and lived in a home that has stairs up to the the bedrooms and stairs down to the shower. The risk of her falling was ever present. She could no longer remember to take her medication and even over dosed one time by taking three days'supply in one evening. My husband was going over to her home 2-3 times a day and taking her calls 5-6 times a day (when she could remember how to use the phone). She could no longer drive so I was taking her to doctor appointments, hair appointments, and various other places. My husband and I each own a business. Both our businesses were being neglected and we were becoming exhausted both physically and mentally. My husband has power of attorney but we were told in the state of Colorado we must have guardianship to place her in assisted living, against her will. However, we found a very nice assisted living senior home, 5 minutes from our house that would accept written orders (forced admittance) from her doctor. We had no problem getting it. We told her only 1 hr. prior to moving her. She cried, yelled, asked my husband how he could do this to her, told us she was not going. My husband said kindly but firmly......"Yes you are. You have to, you can no longer live alone". She told him if he loved her he would not do this to her. I thought we would have to physcially pick her up and put her in the car. Forunately she gave us an opening. She said she didn't even know where this place was. I told her to get in the car and we would take her there and show her. When we drove up to the Senior Home she started up again, crying, yelling, etc. and I told her that her little dog was already in her apartment and we had to go in to see her. (This assisted living allows them to bring their pets). We already had moved her funiture in and taken her dog over there prior to taking her. At that, she got out of the car and walked into the home. We went staight to her apartment and I let the Director know we were there. She said "okay, we'll take over from here and you all go ahead and leave". As my husband and I left the building we both cried. My husband said it was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. It's only been a few days and we have been told she is still very upset and angry but we know she will adjust. They asked us not to call or come see her for two weeks, while she makes the tansition. My husband says he knows she is where she has to be but he can't shake the feeling of guilt. It has been the most stressful summer of our lives and very very sad to see someone you love declining and being so difficult. We know in our hearts that we did the right thing and that we had no other option. We have so many friends going through the same thing with their parents. It's tough, it's heart wrenching, it's exhausting but it is the cycle of life. I hope our story helps someone. Bless everyone going through this.

Hi MyraZ

I read your comments and they are words of inspiration. I also see that you replied to a comment from 3 years ago. Looks like this will be an ongoing delemma for sons and daughters now and in the future.

I'm in the process of placing mom in a lovely assisted living 10 mins from my home. she has lived with me for almost 4 years this coming Nov. She also has some dementia forgets how to use the phone, forgets to eat, taking meds, memory loss. I took her to visit the place last week, and when we returned she went ballistic about me throwing her out of our home, and what a horrible person I turned out to be. I'm 64 y/o, live alone and work full time. I brought her to another state after her husband of 40 plus years died, and her living situation was beyone horrible, included being financially abused by her granddaughter. Now mom says she is going back 'home' to live near this granddaughter and how she is perfectly capable of living alone. She is totally irrational. My heart weeps to see her in her pain, and I have had a rough week. I am standing strong, but am wondering now if she will also be advised that it is her decision. I'm having her assessed today by the assisted living RN. I'm glad to see that in that case I may still have support from her doctor in the event she won't get in my car to drive there.
I hope things have worked well for your mom. I would appreciate positive feedback.