Monthly Living Expenses

I sympathize.  I am going through the same thing with my mom.  She came to me 6 months ago.  I didn't know it was going to be permanant.  She was living w/ my bro. whose wife had a really good time with moms check book.  They cleaned her out!  When she came to me, she had her 3ird stroke which left her VERY forgetful. she gives me 300- of her 800+.  She cannot/will not do do anything for herself.  I think it depends on the amount of responsibility you have to assume as well as, your bills.  This is what i am finding out the hard way, (bills being the least consideration) and we don't have much income.  In addition, i cannot approach her about this, because she has become really strange about her money.  My whole life is hers. If your mother gets social security & it goes into her acct.  creditors are legally unable to freeze her acct. I f they did , contact office for aging, they can put you in touch with legal aid for seniors.  these people deal with this all of the time,& will demand (and make them) release your her funds.  since i don't know you circumstances, i hope that this helps to ease your mind.  (mom now gets her ssd in a paper check)    Deb

Hi Jedi!

I"m sorry to read of your difficulties. Why are your mother's accounts frozen that prevent her from using them for her own care? You might be able to contact the senior services in your area to see if you can receive some funds for being her primary caregiver.

Let us know how things are going!

My husband and I would like to know the answer to this question, too! My mother-in-law came to live with me 17 months ago. She moved in for a short time with another son who took all of her SS check after her husband passed away. She got upset and then moved in with another son for a couple years. This son never told her he was keeping her SS check but when she came to live with us, we switched her checking account to the state we were living in and he apparently felt he deserved her entired check also as there should have been a lot more money in her account than there was. SInce she has dementia, she does not realize this. Both of these sons did all the banking for her and she never saw what money she had in the bank. She signed her check and that was all she knew. Since she came to live with us,  I take her to the bank with me.  She knows how much her check is and how much she is giving me each month.Out of this, I buy all the groceries, personal items including depends for the night and day which are not cheap. I didn't use to care but with the cost of living rising, my bank account is shrinking because, in order for her to live with us, I had to quit my job which paid $30,000 a year! I cannot go back to work as long as she is living here as she needs round the clock care. If I were to go back to work, the cost for her care may outway what I would be making. I actually, have not been able to find any respite care in our area as yet but am still working on it. If I felt I could take more of her money to help us stay in the black, I would not be concerned at this time.

(What really makes me upset is that ,even though she has 4 other sons and numerous grandchildren, none of them ever call to talk to her or visit. When we want to go back to the state they are in, which is also where my family lives, we have to beg and threaten them in order to get them to take her for a couple nights. We have had to pay for a hotel to visit my family. You would think that if they only see their mother once or twice a year they would be happy to take care of her for a couple days! They say she scares them with her Dementia! )

Now the reason I mention the above regarding the rest of my husband's family is that what really makes me mad is that she insist and it is written in her will that, whatever money is left when she passes, will be divided between all five brothers. Now, why should I bust my butt taking care of her, giving up my job and freedom so that those good for nothings can get a share in the money left when they kept her entire SS check when she lived with the ones she live with and now they nor the others will take her in for just a few days unless I threaten them.

Don't get me wrong, I would be taking care of my mother-in-law whether she had any money or not but I DO NOT want the other brothers to get that money when they do not deserve anything. If they would just call and talk to her a couple times a month and allow me to visit my family without a lot of stress, I would feel better about them!

I would like to keep the money in an account so that it is there in case she needs it for something but I don't want them to get their hands on it!   No one ever said Life was Fair!!

Dear Sidetracked,

  Believe me , i understand.  When my mom came to live with me , she changed her ins. beneficary to me.  It is VERY small & not enough to do the job.  She has already given everything to my youngest sister ( who takes her, now & then),& to the son who ripped her off.  So basically mom has just her social security check.  Out of that she give me a little bit of $ which doesn't even cover her expenses, such as " oh are you going to the store"?  The long drives to drs offices etc.  I think how much of the ss check we are entitled to should be equal to their care.  For example, my mom leaves her tv on 24/7, if i try to sneak in there & turn it off she knows! She is always cranking up th heat, so that we are sufficating,  shes too cold .   Mind you she needs hearing aids in both ears.  my sister is always borrowing $ from her . I guess the more we have to give up to take care of them should be considered.  I don't know how bad your moms dementia is, my mother is in early stages.   Bottom line is , if they had to go to a nursing home , they would take all of it.  It discusts me to have to be so blunt , after all these are people we care about & love.  Maybe you need to sit her down & remind her of the things they did & ask her what if she would like to change anything, 

as for the checking account, my name is on it with hers, if anything happens , i intend to do a withdrawl ( its only 1000) because now i do, what you do, take her to the bank & so on.  Now i cannot account for about 2000, because , since we opened the acct., she keeps the cash.  And fun ? thats the new "f" word, my other half(of 20 yrs)  & i are just about destroyed . I hope you 2 are faring better than we are.  You are in my thoughts & prayers, deb

My mother-in-law has a little bit in the bank besides what she gets from her SS check. She has brought it up on several occasions about making a will - forgetting that she already has one made out. But she always says she wants everything split 5 ways. It doesn't matter that they never call and, I have to admit, we don't tell her they do not want to keep her the two times a year we ask them to when I go visit my family. We don't want to upset her. I have to bite my tongue, though!  She says all the time they don't care or they would call so I think she already feels it but I don't want to add to it.

We, too, have the money in our names along with hers but will we get into trouble if we withdraw it upon her passing? My husband said he intends to withdraw it from the SS checking account! I don't mind if they get their share of the little bit she has in a separate account as that is what she had before she came to live with us, unless of course, she has major doctor bills. If that happens, we intend to use it for those bills.

My mother-in-law is also in the early stages of Dementia along with being a diabetic. She needs to be watched 24/7 and has a lot of caring needs. If she lived alone, she would have to pay someone quite a bit to care for her. She needs insulin shots, diabetic tested, help in bathing, making sure she eats and some more personal things on a regular basis.  She would need to pay someone 24/7. We went to a lawyer to get a power of attorney changed to my husband since the other son that has it refuses to call or see her at all. (He is the one that  had her for two years and she went off on him big time. His x-wife for the third time moved in with him to take care of my mother-in-law and they did not get along at all. I don't think her condition helped.) When we got to the lawyer's office, my m-in-law could not remember my husbands's name so the lawyer said he would not give it to us.  He said we could come back on a good day and try again but we have not done that yet as she just cannot get his name right. 

My m-in-law keeps track of the money she has. She is on lots of medication and seems to need to go to the doctor/eye doctor a lot. What money she has remaining she intends to save for the "kids"! It just depends on her mentality at the time.

There is a lady across the street that has a full time caregiver living with her. I have tried to tell my m-in-law that the lady pays the caregiver $2000 a month to live there. The lady pays for the groceries and the rest of the bills such as electric, etc. The caregiver does not have to do what I do with my m-in-law being a diabetic, etc. She does take her to the grocery, doctor, or wherever she wants to go but the lady buys the gas or they take her car. The caregiver is not out the gas money. The caregiver does not have to deal with the problems stemming from the Dementia either. I told the caregiver she has it made. Of course, she doesn't think so!

My m-in-law keeps talking about going back home, getting an apartment, and paying someone to care for her, but yet, she cannot see giving me anymore than she is. It really hurts my feelings knowing that I gave up my job and she is willing to give a stranger more than me. I feel really guilty about feeling this way and I wouldn't feel this way if she didn't keep saying and have it in the will that the other boys get what is left , they don't do anything and they kept her entire check when they took care of her for the time they did. If it were just us, I wouldn't care no matter how much money was involved. I guess it is just the principal of the thing. Who knows, before it is all over, there may not be anything left anyway as she may end up in a nursing home.

If there are any lawyers out there that can let us know the legality of this, I would like to hear what they have to say!

As far as my husband (of 32 plus years) and I, we are doing well!  We have never been ones to go alot so she is not keeping us from doing too much. On occasion, I get upset because I feel trapped but I get over it. My husband doesn't get it! I have been very good to him as I let him do his thing but, if we have her much longer, I will need to find "my thing" and he will have to give me a turn at going out. I don't know how well that will go over with my m-in-law as she wants to be with me all the time. My husband plays a lot of racquetball and works out. I let him do this as his family is prone to being overweight and, if he doesn't do something, he gains the pounds! Since we just moved here a few months ago, I have not had time to meet people or get involved in the area as I have been busy unpacking for several months. It would not be taking me so long except, I have to do a lot for my m-in-law. I don't know where the day goes! I hope to find something to get her into, too, in the neighborhood that is on her level but haven't found anything yet. Hopefully, it won't cost too much as she will not spend the money! I have been spending a lot of time on the cpu looking while sitting with her. She likes to know where I am at all times!

As you said above, "My life is hers".

Praying things go well with you and Wishing you the best!

hi Sidetracked,

i just read your post & you could be describing mom!   i ,too, feel really bad because mom  has felt it necessary not to put her $ in the bank.  If i had the $, i would gladly pay everything, but we are not well off.  Mom is VERY tight with a buck since my brother stole her $.  I wonder how much the dementia has to do with this.  She wants to be with me ALL the time, i cannot even talk onthe phone, she gets mad.  I am 57 yrs old , & i am still being bullied by my mother!lol!  Have you considered the idea of another lawyer?  i know they have to be deemed competent, but shouldn't that be for a dr to decide? My mom has been calling sandy, frannie opps deb since i was 5 (haha) so i don't know how much that has to do with as long as she knows who he is.  I have a ? for you.  Since you have been taking care of your mmlaw, do you find yourself forgetting things? i do.  Where do you live , i am in new york state.  I think that laws may vary state to state, but am not sure.  We have pretty much been home bodies also, but johns family lives in s.carolina, and now thats out of the ?

as far as, the legality concerning the bank acct., as long as your name is on it , if something were to happen, you have a legal right to keep that $.  likewise, if something were to happen to us, it would then become theirs.  well again, my best to you & yours deb

You sound like you have had the same problems as we have. Since she did not give the other sons (that she stayed with briefly) permission to take her entire SS check when their wives quit their jobs to care for her, she is always bringing it up that she doesn't want to have anything to do with them as they took all her money. She knows how much they gave her when she left their home to come live here as I showed her. I wasn't going to have her say we took what she thinks she should have! I would give my mml anything she needed or wanted to the best of my ability but I don't intend for the other brothers to benefit when I am the only one taking care of her. I would love to visit my family more often but I cannot afford to pay for a hotel and cannot expect my family to let my mml to stay with them. My husband is uncomfortable about doing that, too.

We tried to convince the lawyer that the name forgetting shouldn't be a big deal for the same reason - I have called my sons the wrong name several times. My foster mom has six of her own kids all married and she has always called them by their wrong name and still does.  She told him she wanted us to help her and have control of her health and finance and doesn't want the rest of them to have anything to do with it since they do not call or help her in any way. She even told him that she wanted everything split 5 ways when she's gone. I figured that would let him know she understands and knows what she is talking about but he said no. We are now in VA trying to decide where else we can go but since we haven't met too many people here yet, we haven't decided.

I understand totally about the phone. I have to go outside to walk my dog and that is when I try to make phone calls but, if I am not back pretty quick, she will come looking or watch out the door or window for me.  I also  wait until my husband is home but, even then, she wants to know where I am. I feel attached at the hip. If she cannot find me after a bit she will again come looking even though he is sitting right there. I know she is paranoid that I am talking about her and if she hears anything that is said she will totally change the content of the conversation to be about her and gets all upset and confused. I really have to be careful.

As far as forgetting things - YES! I told my husband I have been around her too long! I find myself not remembering where I put things or talking like she does (using the same words that I never used to use). She is always talking to herself! Now I am, too! The bad thing is, I am talking to myself in the same manner she does! I catch myself and say: "Wait a minute! Stop that right now!"

This past week has been a little more stressful. Something clicked and she is now on the kick where everyday, she says she is going home. She is not directly telling me this but she goes in her room and starts rummaging through things and rearranging stuff. When she cannot find what she has rearranged, she starts rambling on about someone, (I am assuming me) has taken her stuff and she is going home. She repeats this over and over again. I go in and try to change the subject. Most of the time it works but one time it didn't and she was irate. She has never done that before! I helped her find what she had misplaced. Of course, she said she didn't put it there even though she did. The rest of the day, she was a little distant. The next day, she was a total different person. She couldn't remember saying any of that to me. Later in the day when I did a load of wash for her and she was putting them away, I heard her going on again  I went in and again changed the subject. This time she was fine and finished without incident. This has been ongoing for about 5 or 6 days now. I told my husband that she may be getting worse and we better hold off on the legal stuff until and if this passes. I think it may have been the stress from the holidays. She went on and on about how she has all kinds of Christmas decor and someone has taken everything!  She supposedly had a navity scene just like mine. She may have but I never saw it in all the times we went to visit! She was in a flood years back and lost pretty much everything. I try to tell her but she won't listen and thinks she should still have everything she had since who knows when. I have deicided that no matter how old or worn something is of hers, I have no intention to get rid of it. I don't care if it is broken! I plan to keep things in boxes so I can pull it out if necessary just to ease her mind that she still has it.

Good luck on your end! Maybe 2009 will be better for both of us!

  "Sidetracked,

     I couldn't help notice all the responses you received, not one person said anything about being their parent's Durable Power Of Attorney or Guardian. I was my mothers guardian and my fathers DPOA and Medical DPOA. To become their guardian you just need a physicians statement that they are not mentally capable of handling their finances or important discisions. DPOA, also gives you power with her permission to do the same. This solved any and all problems for us.  The court system has to appoint you their guardian.

                                                                                                       Sincerely,

                                                                                                        Fats

Hello everyone. 

I read something a little while ago that gave me an AH-HA moment.  You are not dealing  with the person you know as your parent but with a disease. Don't be so hard on them or yourself.  They are not in control of themselves. 

You need to make time for yourself, , to take care of yourself.  Does anyone have a Church with members to help you?  Maybe some friends who could come in and help you?  Would your M-inlaw let anyone else help?

Fats and Anonymous,

We have tried to get a DPOA from a lawyer but the lawyer said since she couldn't call my husband by his name he could not give mt husband (her son) the DPOA. He also said that we could try again on a "good day" or we would have to go to court and pay over $4000 to get it. In doing this, we would upset her and I certainly do not want to do that! She has enough trust issues without our adding to them. I really have to "tread water" sometimes!

As far as asking for help, that is the plan. We just have not been in this area long enough and, with moving twice since we've been here, we just haven't had much spare time. Being a diabetic and my having to assist her in bathing etc., by the time I get her situated for the day, it is after 1 p.m or so. I have a couple hours in the afternoon for unpacking and sorting before I have to start dinner, clean-up and then it is time to get her ready for bed.

I tried where we used to live to get her involved and she would not stay with anyone without my staying with her. I needed to get my house ready to sell and then pack to move here. I am at a good point now on moving and plan to try again and stay with her hoping it will eventually lead to her staying alone but who knows. It all takes time.

Trust me, I have been doing a lot of reading on this website! I am understanding this Disease a lot better now and she is following what everyone is saying. This website has been a great help! I pray every night for more patience and understanding.

Thank you for your responses!

  Sidetracked,

        I did not pay for guardianship. A social worker from the state helped me after doing an evaluation on my mother and finding she could not handle her own affairs. She did not have to know my name or hers. Try your State and local programs, it's a pain, but I do not stop until I find the answer I'm looking for. I wish you success.

As my name indicates, we have gotten Sidetracked from the original discussion started by Jedi9176. I appreciate all the responses I received but would like to get back to the original discussion. I do not take your responses lightly! I love my mml and plan to do everything I can to make the rest of her life a happy one!  I will follow your suggestions! Thank you!

For everyone out there that has given up their income and basically their life, what do you feel is an appropriate amount that you can receive from the person you are giving care to? I have seen how much caregivers are given that are paid but are not related. Of course, I would expect them to turn there income in on taxes but have heard that some are not! My taking care of my mml was never about the money as I would have taken her if she were broke. What happened in my situation is that the other sons promised they would take her for a couple days at a time ANYTIME I wanted to visit my own family as they all live in the same area but everytime we have asked, it becomes a BIG issue. They always have an excuse not to keep her. The ones that used to call her on occasion, never call anymore. It is like she does not exist. If they were not acting this way, this would not be an issue for me. I just cannot see putting her SS check in the bank for them to inherit (assuming she does not need it for doctor bills) while I am dealing with all the problems that  come with taking care of her. When the others kept her for the short time, they took her entire check without her knowing it. When she found out, she packed her bags and that is how she ended up with me. I do not take her check but, when she goes to the bank, she gives me what she thinks is spent on her. She doesn't realize how much things cost and we didn't worry about it. This worked fine with my husband and I up until this past Christmas when I wanted to go visit my family for Christmas and, one brother said he will NEVER take her again, another said he had other plans, then another said he, too, had other plans. We ended up paying quite a bit for a hotel so I did not miss my family Christmas!  That was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak!  It is not her fault they are the way they are and I am not holdin it against her but I have decided that I do not intend to leave them the money left, if there is any left with all her doctor bills when they are spending their life as though she doesn't exist. By the way, when the other two sons kept her, I took as much time as possible keeping her so they would have a break. I would drive 10 hours round trip to pick her up and bring her back to my house. They never brought her to me! I worked in the school system so I had time off in the summer and at Christmas. The bank account does have my husband's name on it but does this really guarantee the money will be only his if she passes (her will states all money is to be split between all of them). If they were still keeping her, there wouldn't be any money left!  I really hate asking about this but I am fed up with them.

Hi S/T,

  i have given this some thought, & it seems to me that you may get your ans. by calling the bank & giving them a hypothetic situation  (or just ask about the legalities re:the acct itself.  Does she have other funds besides her ss?    deb

I have been told that whatever is in the account if she passed would go to my husband but I just don't trust that the rest of the family wouldn't hire a lawyer to get all they could.

She does have a small amount of other funds which will be split with all of them without question after any major doctor bills are paid or if she were to end up in an assisted living or nursing home. The funny thing is, when the others kept her, they not only took her money each month for her expenses, they paid any of her medications and doctor bills out of this extra money she had in the bank! We have not been doing that and she is on twice the medication and I have taken her to the doctor and have had three times as many test since she moved in with us. She had not been to the eye doctor for several years and she is a diabetic! She has had to go three times in the past 9 months.

Speaking of assisted living or nursing homes, I was told any facility would take everything she has! I have checked into Adult Day Care for if I can no longer take care of her and they all say they will take all the money she has and when that is gone, (which wouldn't take long) our taxes pay the rest! Basically medicaid, I guess. Maybe they are all different in different states. I don't know. It just seems there should be a guideline for family members who give up their lives saving billions of dollars of tax payers' money. I guess you can say I am a person that trys their very best to do what is legal. I'd rather do things right and not have it hit me later.

By the way, I just got a return phone call from a place I had contacted last week. They just opened up and my mml can go there whenever I or she wants to for me some relief or for her some socialization! Of course, that is more money but, again, I want what is best for her. If I take her there, I intend to keep track of all expenses (which are not cheap) and charge them to whatever, if any, money is left over. If she likes it, and the need arises, I plan to be prepared. I know my husband would never be able to handle it if something happened to me and he had to figure out what to do with her while he worked.  You never know, I could go before her! Only God knows!

I have been searching the web for info and came across a site called:

Wiser:  Women's Institute for a Secure Retirement

I'm not putting the link here as it it a bunch of numbers etc. and does not include their name. If you type the infor above in google, it will bring you to it.

The reason I am pointing this out is that this site is listing exactly what I am talking about. If you click "caregiving" on the left, it brings you to some very interesting points about what we lose as caregivers and makes me not feel so "wronged" when my family-in-law do not help in any way with their mother. Of course, the original question has still not been answered!

Generally speaking as long as you are spending the money in a fashion that can be proven and traced back to "taking care of mom", you shouldnt have any problems from authority figures on using her money to take care of her.  Please let me know if you need further insight.  I will be happy to speak with you.

Aaron Mulvey, N.F.A. - www.nursinghomehelpcenter.com