It's encouraging to hear that you've set a target date for the move of Granny. I hadn't realized that your new baby is due before long --it sounds as if you don't need to be struggling to actually move/clean/reorganize. I wonder if your granny has enough fluid assets to help make her move less of a strain for you. Your parents could make arrangements to finish the move--even if Granny goes first and her belongings follow. I would bet your OB would be glad to know you aren't the one doing all the work at your home and your parents too. This is the time to call in the troops, even if your parents or your granny have to pay for the help. After the years of care you've provided, you deserve help now so you can concentrate on having a full term pregnancy and finding some breathing space before the new baby arrives. You don't have to do it all. Twin Granny

Good point. I have a few neighbors who hae offered to help, I may take them up on that. Thank you

JenS, My own family is in a similar situation. My mother had a stroke in 6/99 and I have 3 siblings that live out of the country and 2 that live within 16-35 miles away from my mother. I lost my job in 12/07 and a few months later my mother suffered a stroke. The stroke has brought on a moderate form of dimentia and I have had to come over to my mothers place to care for everyday now for 17 mos. I get no help or relief from my other two sibilings as they live further away than I do and they work. I go back and forth 16 miles between my mothers house and my house everyday. I take care of the housework, meals and yardwork then go back home and do dinner for my family and spend the nite there. I too have no life and my husband and son have not taken a vacation in almost 2 years. I know my husband has been wonderful thru all this but he too is getting tired of the situation. So you can see that there are other people out there with a similar situation. My house is a two story and very small and mom cannot go up and down stairs. My mothers house is big and there is room for us to live there, but my husband does not want to move into her house, so that's my problem. Mom does not want to go into a home but I'm thinking that we may not have any other choice. She is getting more and more difficult to care for as she has become extremely non-compliant. She doesn't want anyone coming in other than family to care for her, she won't let me help her bath and she refuses to go to Drs. appts. I am really stressed to the max and don't know what to do at this point. As far as your situation, you are being robbed of your youth and the best years with your own family for sure. Your situation is a difficult as mine..

I had been thinking of JenS, now that it's Nov. and wondering if Granny did relocate or not and if the new baby has arrived. I surely hope there have been some major changes so that Jen has less on her plate. Having a new baby requires lots of time and energy so it would be great to hear that Jen can concentrate on being a new mom and not have to be actively caregiving for Granny too. Regarding the most recent response from the caregiver whose mom is requiring so much of her time and energy---if her mom were her old self, pre-stroke,I doubt she would want to knowingly exhaust her daughter and cause such stress. Seems like those of us who are female were born thinking we have to take care of the whole world and most of us have strong guilt genes so we fault ourselves if we can't take caer of everyone else. It's so hard to be assertive and advocate for your own needs when you are caregiving but hopefully we can all find the strength to make some hard decisions about ourselves and our loved ones. In a an old book, "When Love Gets Tough" by Doug Manning, he writes "love is doing what people need, not what they want." While almost all of our aging, declining parents, grandparents, spouses dearly want to remain in their own environments, living the same way they did when they were well, it's just not always possible. That's when we, the caregivers, have to find a way to give ourselves permission to decide that things just have to change. It's not easy but if you don't find the strength to do what you need to do for yourself and your own family, you may be the one who burns and crashes. It's not selfish to consider your own needs and the needs of your spouse and kids and it's ok to make those needs the priority, above the needs of your dependent relative. It was very hard for me to make the decision to place my mom 15 months ago but we both survived. I wouldn't pretend that it has been easy--I still struggle with the problems she encounters in her facility but I know I can't be the primary/sole caregiver again so I'm trying to learn to tolerate and accept the failings of her assisted living facility. I now know that I was wiped out while I had her in my home and could not have kept up with all the caregiving responsibilities since I still work fulltime. I hope both of you will somehow be able to figure out what you need and make that your priority and then make whatever changes you have to so that you can regain your own lives. As much as I love my mom and am indebted to her for all that she has done for me in my life, I am now able to admit I am not able to be her direct caregiver anymore. Caregiving doesn't stop when placement occurs- you'll still be busy visiting/checking/advocating, but at least you can leave those duties behind when you go home. I hope you will be able to realize that you have the right and the power to make changes, even though your care receivers want things to remain the same. Try to protect yourself while you are still able, before you have totally burned out.

AMEN! You explained, & worded this perfectly! This helped me a lot, & feel it will help others, too. Thanks! Stay strong.

I agree, that response is perfect. I am very glad we have this site to share experiences and knowledge. I think that until you become a caregiver you just have no idea how hard it really is physically, emotionally, etc. I also don't think anybody else really understands either, unless they have been there.
In response to twin granny's earlier inquiries, Yes Grandma has moved out and in with my parents. It has been 2-3 weeks now. We have moved the rooms around and now have a place to put baby when he comes-which should be any day now. My parents and Grandma are going through an adjustment period right now. Grandma started out wonderfully cooperative and happy. Now she is going through a stage of extreme grumpiness and non-compliance. They are working on trying to get more strength in her legs so she will fall less, with physical therapy. She is acepting a bathing nurse and she seems to be okay with the physical therapist most of the time. She has really set up her spikes at the companion nurse that my parents have to hire on occasion if they need to work somewhere far away that will take them away from home for a number of hours and requires both of them to be there. It is a constant battle to get her to stay in bed at night, which means that my mom is quite sleep deprived most of the time-which doesen't help at all. Apparently Grandma likes to get up around 2-3 in the morning and use the bathroom and then putter about-which probably wouldn't normally be a problem, but until she gets more strenth in her legs she falls when she is up and puttering. When my parents try to put her back to bed, she then takes that opportunity to find something to fight with them about-like finances-or Thanksgiving or whatever is on her mind. If they tell her to go to bed and sleep, as they would like to sleep, she will get into bed and 5-10 min later get up again. Another problem with her not sleeping is that if she doesen't sleep at night, she will sleep during the day. This normally wouldn't be a huge problem, but not everybody can live on a nocturnal schedule and all her nurses and appointments are during the day. If she doesn't get enough sleep she will sleep during the day-no matter what. You can physically lift her and get her walking and she will literally walk in her sleep-or will think she is walking and not move at all-and then not be able to do anything for herself, until she gets the sleep she needs. This causes a problem with everything, including eating, pills, using the bathroom etc. It is an exhausting problem. She started this a couple of weeks before she moved out, now my parents are trying to figure out how to cope with this. I wish them luck. Hopefully they will all come to a gentle relaxing adjustment and all will be well. Oh yes and the siblings that didn't want to have my parents take care of grandma are doing what they do best, trying to tell them what they can and cannot do with Grandma's care, without offering any offer to assist in any way. Ah the same old story. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for everything offered here.

Hi JenS,

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

I know you are busy, but good news is rare (and so UPLIFTING!) If you have a moment some time, I, personally, would really appreciate hearing from you as to what it has meant for your own life to get your grandmother out of your house.

HOW DOES IT FEEL!??

HOW IS IT AFFECTING YOUR MARRIAGE? HOW HAS YOUR HUSBAND REACTED?

YOUR CHILDREN?

AND WHAT IMPACT HAS IT HAD ON YOUR EXPERIENCE AS A WIFE, MOTHER, HOMEMAKER - AND ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES ASSOCIATED WITH THOSE ROLES...

HOW HAS THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE HOME CHANGED, IF AT ALL? YOUR WORKLOAD?

LASTLY, HOW DO YOU FEEL MENTALLY... DID YOU DO THE RIGHT THING? ANY REGRETS?

Thanks so much for sharing. I think everyone here cares about YOU and would love to hear about any positive results you have noticed in your OWN life, which you feel able to share with US...

In Loving Solidarity!

Galowa

: )

P.S.

Your GRANDMOTHER needs to go back to the NEUROLOGIST for MEDICATION ADJUSTMENT. Having had such a big change in her living situation (a change NOT of her making,) she wouldn't be human if she didn't "act out" in response to it all, either consciously or unconsciously. She obviously has "internal clock" malfunctions and will quickly get back on track with medication. (I am a fan of SEROQUEL, which transformed my mother from a knife-wielding night-stalker to a compliant little old lady.)

The best thing you can do for your PARENTS is to get them on this site. However, if they are not inclined, you can help them by staying in touch on the site and printing out for them (to read when they can) pertinent discussions which address their problems.

Jen, START OUT by printing this WHOLE discussion, so they can see what brought you here in the first place, and how a community give-and-take helped you find the right way. DON'T WORRY that they are mentioned in the discourse. They've been around the block a few times... I'm guessing they'll take it in stride, and be proud of YOU for finding what you needed to help yourself and your WHOLE FAMILY.

Love and Peace, (and "Speedy Delivery")

Galowa

(suzanne)

Printing this & showing entire thing to family is the best idea! Yes, it'll help them see how you got to this place in life & how much you processed it & made the decision totally informed & ready! It seems you did the right thing to me, though, I'm sure it's been rough for all!

Hurrah!!! So tickled to hear that you were able to relocate your granny and to set up the room for your son-to-be. I know it took a great deal of emotional and physical energy to accomplish all that. Now is the time to catch your breath, store up some energy that you'll need when you're back home with your new baby and maybe somehow find some time for yourself in between. Forget about ever trying to figure out if you did the right thing--that doesn't really matter. You did what was best at the time and you've done your best all along, trying to take care of everyone. You don't owe anyone any explanations or apologies- you just need to arrive at a place within yourself where you are comfortable with how things are and give yourself permission to acknowledge your own needs. It would be nice if your folks could benefit from caregiver resources like this site and you can certainly share information with them, but they will have to decide what they want and need. Hopefully they and the rest of the extended family won't make it difficult for you now that the relocation has taken place. It's their turn to step up to the plate. Maybe they'll come to realize how much you did for your granny--if they don't, you'll still know yourself and that's all that counts. Have a smooth and easy delivery, relish your time before and after your son's arrival and remember that you don't ever have to take anyone else's advice. Our friends and family are quick to tell us what we should do, but only we ourselves know what's best for us. Take good care of yourself. It's National Family Caregiver Month, by the way, so be sure to pat yourself on the back for all that you did for your lucky granny. Twin Granny

Dear JenS,

For some reason "Twin Granny's" most recent post appears to aim certain criticisms at me, so let me clarify mostly for "Twin Granny's" understanding, (as I believe YOU know I would never say or do anything to add to your, or ANYbody's, burden, since I have been with you on your quest for help from close to the beginning... )

In my above congratulatory email I said:

"I know you are busy, but good news is rare...

"IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT... SOME TIME,"

"I, personally, would really APPRECIATE hearing from you as to what it has meant for your own life..."

In the same context, ("IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT... SOME TIME,") I asked some questions ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS RELATING TO YOUR caring.com JOURNEY, concluding with:

"LASTLY, HOW DO YOU FEEL MENTALLY... DID YOU DO THE RIGHT THING? ANY REGRETS?"

You have made significant contributions to this community through your willingness to share a very painful and private situation, journeying with a group of total strangers who, in turn, have offered all manner of suggestions and responses to your requests for guidance - not all of them useful, and not all polite. Throughout the process you have been gracious and gentle, and you have earned the care, concern, and respect of the people on this site. For THAT reason I asked the questions I did. And of course, by now you are familiar enough with ME to know that if you don't want to answer, I would be the LAST person to judge or criticize you for it ...

~~~~~~

With regard to my Post Script, also above, I included some ideas regarding your grandmother's problems in her "new" living situation. The advice I offered was in direct response to your "status report," in which you listed issues which were problematic for your parents as they learn to care for your grandmother. I did this because, based on who you've shown yourself to be on this site, I know that you will not stop caring ABOUT your grandmother just because "the relocation has taken place..." and you are no longer forced to care FOR her.

In fact, it is VERY clear Jen, that you are choosing the high road here - which includes staying informed regarding the status of someone you once took care of and still love, as well as the status of her new caregivers... I strongly disagree with "Twin Granny"'s statement that "it's their turn to step up to the plate," as though you are no longer on the team... You are still "in" the game - but thankfully you are no longer playing EVERY POSITION!

At one time the family made a mistake - DUMPING the responsibility for your grandmother's care on ONE PERSON. Now, you've GENTLY "handed it back." You will not be petty and leave your parents high and dry to deal with their new responsibilities! And your parents would have to be stupid not to turn to you for insight and advice after all you have been through and learned! (And having raised you to be the woman you are, I sincerely doubt they are stupid.)

You've taken back your own life now, Jen, and FINALLY have the freedom to live it. You will define a new role for yourself as mother to a newborn, of course, but will wisely continue to be the mother, wife, daughter, AND granddaughter you have always been - but, at last, with the balance where it belongs for someone your age. I wish you and your family great happiness, Jen, and I mean you and your whole EXTENDED family.

Warmly,

Galowa

P.S.

Here's a silly thought. Regarding "Twin Granny's" WISE ADVICE to you:

"remember that you don't ever have to take anyone else's advice. Our friends and family are quick to tell us what we should do, but only we ourselves know what's best for us."

Does that mean if you take "Twin Granny's" advice, you'll have to DISREGARD her advice??! ; )

To Jen and Galowa, My comments were not intended to be critical and I am so sorry if that's how they sounded.I would hope we are all on this caregiver journey together. I did come into Jen's picture late in the game so I don't mean to sound like a know-it-all when I'm not. A lot of what I spout is meant to bolster myself up as I still struggle with caregiver guilt after placing my 94+ mom in a facility 15 months ago after caring for her in my home for 6 years. I know firsthand that caregiving never ends when placement or relocation happens- you just struggle to learn to do it in a different way, no longer in the driver's seat yet wanting what's best for your loved one. I find it hard to put into practice the very things we talk about at the caregiver support groups I facilitate--lowering your own expectations and learning how to get along with facility staff or extended family without alienating everyone. It's not easy to hand the baton over to someone else. I'm now actively looking at private adult foster homes as the small assisted living she's at just can't/won't provide the assistance they promised. Hope we can all be on the same team- we all need all the support we can get, at least I do. So, I am truly sorry that I hurt anyone. And I also wanted to thank you for the chuckle regarding disregarding my advice to disregard others' advice. Take care. Twin Granny

Dear Twin Granny,

"Silly me" always assumes everyone's intentions are good - I'm funny that way... I WAS concerned about what struck me as misconceptions on your part and wanted to "set the record straight." So, RELAX. You and I share a similar longevity to our caregiving. I believe we have both crossed over the threshold into the caregiving time-frame commonly known as "TOO LONG..."

I've been in charge of my 82 yo mother for five years now, and she has lived with me and my family in my home for over four years. She is slowly killing me - and I am FINALLY increasing the pace at which I am actually exploring and pursuing other alternatives. So, if you don't mind my saying so, I think I know how burned out you are.

Everybody copes differently because everyone is unique. What is unique about me is that I simply can't cope at all! This puts me constantly on the lookout for good ideas, and while I'm looking for these good ideas, I also have the opportunity to encounter lots of REALLY BAD IDEAS... For exampe, you have just revealed one of the absolutely WORST "bad ideas" i have ever encountered! (And, for clarity's sake, I do not think that a "WORST BAD IDEA" turns into a "GOOD IDEA" simply by virtue of the presence of the double negative. OK? )

You referred to your support group for caregivers (a good support activity,) then mentioned that you are the group FACILITATOR!!!! (a bad support situation) I might suggest you go to a support group you DON'T facilitate, AND - drum roll - consider STOPPING your work as a facilitator, at least until you have a better handle on your own grief and your guilt.

You poor thing - your mother is OUT of your house and you are STILL BURIED BEHAVIORALLY under an avalanche of obsessive managing, handling, absorbing, tidying, deflecting, comforting - "putting the focus," essentially, on ANYTHING but yourself. You don't NEED to be ADVISING, you need to be ASKING FOR ADVICE! That's TONS harder than advising. It's also much more FRUITFUL, when in fact that is what you actually NEED.

SO I CHALLENGE YOU TO START A NEW QUESTION/THREAD!!! One focussed on your inability to switch the focus from your mother's needs to your own! I would be HONORED to be the FIRST person to stop by and say "you go, girl," even if i don't have any answers for you. Because I think that what happens after we've been doing this for a long time is that we suddenly realize that we LITERALLY do not know HOW to STOP.

You can stop now. It is OK for you to rest. I, Galowa, DECREE IT TO BE SO! Because you've done all you can do - for awhile. YOU, TWIN GRANNY, have performed above and beyond the call of duty, and for longer than anyone could reasonably have expected you to... You worked long and hard, you made decisions, possibly regretted some, BUT YOU MADE NO MISTAKES. There was NO RULE BOOK for you to follow, NO STANDARD by which to measure your performance or progress.

I, GALOWA, personally ask ANYONE WHO READS THIS --- SEND TWIN GRANNY a HUG or a PRAYER to reassure her. Tell her "You have done a "GOOD JOB"" - "Your Mother loves you and understands all that you have done for her, is grateful, and is satisfied." - "Your Mama wants her dearest girl to accept the inevitabilities of old age, and get out there and enjoy what remains of your own life while you still can... and she wants you to do it for her... because she loves you..."

With Warm Wishes,

Galowa

P.S. Don't anyone DARE disregard this advice...!

; )

I think we're all trying to cope w/ caregiver's burnout here. Please leave the negativity out! We should be able to vent, or give our views without having to hold back, or word it "just so". If folks don't want to answer questions, respond, or take advice....SO BE IT! Please don't ruin it!

Dear Spockula!

Not EXACTLY sure what you mean, but I think I agree with you 100% - at least PART of the time!

Do YOU need a hug? Let me know if you do... happy to oblige.

Tongue IN Cheek,

Galowa

; )

Yes! A hug is always welcome! This site should be a "safe haven" where we can speak our minds in peace! Bright Blessings! Stay Strong!

I recently moved my older sister in with me because of her health issues. We are getting along fine but I am being pulled between her and my husband. They both want and need my attention. It is hard to try and keep both of them happy. I feel pulled and tugged and unable to determine who and what is important. I love them both very much, but it is hard for me. Somedays I just want to run and hide for awhile. Does anyone else have that problem.

Thank you for listening to me

Judy

I want to thank all who have written to JenS on the "I'm being pulled many ways" and for the good advise given to JenS. I am JenS' mom (pianoratfink) we now have granny in our house. Granny is my husband's mom and I am the in-law I have taken care of her through 2 cancer surgeries and other problems. As JenS has mentioned the other family members have been less than cooperative in the help of granny and have no problem telling me what to do and not to do with her care. very irritating to say the least. I think some of the people may have got the idea that JenS had this caregivikng project as a solo person. Yes JenS did the bulk of the work but I was aslo up there at least every day helping her. When JenS had to go do errands I was up there sitting with granny. As JenS mentioned we have brought in different nurses to help out with her care as I am self employed and still need to work. My husband (granny's oldest son) is retired and his health is very poor. He is doing what he can do to help. The sad thing is that granny is now realiziing that her other 2 kids don't want much to do with her care. Things are quite interesting to say the least.

Thanks to this good site. I have written on here a couple of times with JenS I'm pianoratfink

WELCOME pianoratfink! (interesting moniker!)

I look forward to getting to know you better, commend you for your selflessness in taking in your mother-in-law when there are clearly "Others" who could/should have done so, (whose burdens are less than yours.)

You have raised a lovely daughter, and the fact that you are doing the mother-IN-LAW care-taking gig says oodles about your character. If you have any questions etc - probably good to start out ASKING ON THE EXPERT FORUM - some of them actually know what they are talking about.

Good to have you here...

Galowa

; )

Yes, I can totally relate! I'm sure others can too. Hopefully, this site will help!

Thanks for the hug! Also, Hubby bought nic. lozenges today! A good sign!

Wow what an epic about the strength of the human spirit, I have found this helps get your paln out of your system . Sort of a problem shared is a problem helped.

I agree with you Octoman. Caregiving is so difficult so this website that allows us to vent can be very therapeutic. I find myself in a better place after I have vented and received some replies. It really helps. We all love those we are caregivers for and even if they have been difficult previously in our lives, we feel the need to help them when they need it. But I like many of those on this site don't get to get away very often and this site can be a mini vacation of sorts to clear your anger and set you back on the path that you are following. My new motto is "nothing lasts forever" and hopefully, I and others using this site will outlive their loved ones long enough to enjoy their own lives.

Yes, I agree. Just being able to vent, & get it out helps!

RE: PT Cruzzr's comment "... will outlive their loved ones long enough to enjoy their own lives."

No insult or offense to anyone, but that sounds GOOD to me...

THANKS!

Galowa