'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by jasonjenny @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

jasonjenny — Sun, 09 May 2010 00:49:28 -0000

Beautifully said. Bravo!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by mswolfedog @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mswolfedog — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 18:16:32 -0000

I hope since your first posting that you have been able to make other arrangments and that you and your family are once again back together. You des erve your life back along with your immediate famly. God bless you

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Spockula @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Spockula — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 05:23:11 -0000

For sure, eva s avila....she does have other family members who need to step up, & pull their weight!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by eva s avila @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

eva s avila — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 00:52:32 -0000

I AM ACAREGIVER FOR PARENT WITH DEMENTIA AND MY HUSBAND HAS PARKINSON SO,IUNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOUNG COUPLE THEY NEED TO GET ON WITH THEIR OWN LIVES,SINCE THE GRANNY HAS HER OWN CHILDREN DO NOT TAKE THE WHOLE RESPONSOBILITY AS YOUR OWN.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Spockula @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Spockula — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 06:24:50 -0000

For sure! No one gets it unless they live it! Folks need hands-on experience! Ignorance is NOT bliss!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by 1care @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

1care — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 02:42:33 -0000

Just adding to all of the other comments...

A friend that is in a similiar situation mentioned to me that having a senile or Alzheimer relative in the home is like living on another planet. (even though you may love them very much) People just do not understand what it is like or what the caregivers go through and probably most of them do not want to. They would rather just go on living in their comfort zone without the worries that come with caregiving. After caring for a mentally sick mother for many years and now a husband with Alzheimers, I am beginning to think this is the way it is.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by TechieSidhe @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

TechieSidhe — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 14:08:31 -0000

It's easy for family to make promises when they have no stake or responsibility for the results. They don't want to be part of the process, but they want a share in the results, even if they've had no hand in any of the work.

To the original poster: do what you have to do to take care of YOUR family first. Your kids and husband need you.

If your family doesn't want her in a home, THEY can take her in.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by mimibarb @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mimibarb — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 22:23:19 -0000

jen, I honestly don't see how you and your husband have made it this long. it doesn't matter how much you love someone, when they reach the age/condition where they are paranoid of everything, and all the other age related problems on a 24 basis -Help is needed. it's to much to bear alone

I think the other members of her family should be ashamed of themselves for promising that they will never put her in a nursing home. especially since they aren't the ones taking care of her. yes, I know your parents are helping out , but remember the old saying about grandchildren "It's great to be with them, then great to give them back" That's what your family is doing to you and your husband- they can go home and the stress is relieved because they know she is being taken care of BY YOU TWO. That's not fair.

I know a nursing home is a hard decision but I think sometimes that is the only decision left. as everyone is living longer, we will all have to be there someday and we don't want to ruin the lives of those left behind.

Good luck to you and your family. My prayers are with you all

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Spockula @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Spockula — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 06:11:04 -0000

I agree. You have all done your best. It's time to do what's right for the immediate family! I'm sure the older folks would agree, & understand!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Lovey @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Lovey — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 15:06:53 -0000

I will share some advice that I got recently...

You cannot please everyone in an impossible situation so the best thing you can do is what is right for you. Your marriage is in trouble which will cause problems with your children. Tough love is very hard but sometimes we just have to grit our teeth and do what is best for ourselves. If noone is willing to take on your responsibility they certainly don't have the priviledge of promising your Grandmother that she will never go to a nursing home.

Take care of yourself and your family. God Bless you!!!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by LeftysWife @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LeftysWife — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:42:56 -0000

JenS - you husband has given you some good reasons for making changes, don't discount them or try to 'work around' what he's saying. Your other family members need to get off the gravy train of leaving all the responsibility on you.
It is SO hard making changes when you have been so generous all this time. They had a good thing going and now here you are 'spoiling everything' by wanting to live a normal family life. It seems that your husband has been pretty patient with a stressful situation. I'm in my 70's with my 96 yr old Mom in my home, for six years. I could never have done this if my husband were here... now, THERE's some stress. This is not going to be easy no matter how you do it, unless somebody has a 'lightbulb moment' and sees how much of yourselves you've given.
LeftysWife

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by bhscrapgirl @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

bhscrapgirl — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:29:09 -0000

Jen, I am right there with you and now facing the same dilemna with my Dad. I have been caring for Dad full-time since his stroke this summer, which requires round the clock care. I have now hit burnout and my sisters, one of which live locally refuse to help in any way.
We are expecting our fourth baby in July and am worried about taking care of Dad and baby. My fiance' and I have not been on a date since Sept. and are unable to do any family activities with the boys (ages 8,10,16). Also, we are considering homeschooling next year as we feel that is what the boys need. I promised Dad I would not put him in a rest home but I feel the same way you do, that my family needs to come first. My boys deserve for us to be able to go and do things and my fiance' who has been extremely supportive and loving to Dad as well deserves more. I feel for you and your husband and I agree with the other posts that your family needs to come first. Your daughter and husband deserve it and so do you.
Today I am looking at care centers for Dad because I have to do what is best for my family and just pray that it does not do Dad in.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by mswolfedog @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mswolfedog — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:29:24 -0000

I think both you and your husband are saints for loving you Grandma as you do. You certainly can't blame him for wanting his family back, just the three of you. He's been more patient than anybody I know. But I think your family is dumping on you while they go on living thier own life. Ask yourself this, what would they do about Grandma if you suddenly wasn't there anymore -for any reason, just not there. They'd have to find a way to resolve this problem of who's going to take care of Grandma now. They would have no choice! They are not going to find a solution because they are not going to look for one, not as long as you are there and keep taking care of THIER responsibiity I'd say it's time you give your husband the attention he has sacraficed for so long and let Grandma's children take the responsibility for awhile. Regardless of the imposition it may cause it's THIER Mother! You need to tell them it's causing a strain on your family. And you don't want to end up with a broken marriage. I know you love your Grandma, you've more than proved this. But she is 89 and chances are she won't be around as long as your husband will. I'd try to hang on to my husband and let the rest of the family take care of Grandma. Be strong and put your foot down if you must. Your a wonderful persom for all that you do. Good luck.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 21:54:43 -0000

Honey it's a thankless job. :) My gran has caused more problems than a classroom full of ADDers. I got her a chance to interact with other people her age and she had Altimzers but didn't tell her it was a place for people like that to spare her feelings. Said it was a chance to make some friends. She can't help it doesn't understand that word maybe. Then I had to explain things like you know sometime my parents need to hang out normally before this they went off on dates all the time and told me to get lost so they could you know get it on how do explain your folks need their time together. You've got to read people pretty good to do this job and it's like walking through a mine field while carrying a poisonous snake. If you want a training course then come over here we got the craziest senile deliquent you'll ever meet. You'll be wanting a shot of tequilla or several after a couple of hours. We should put a sign out front that says Bedlam.

You gotta have a good sense of humor to take care of an old person and if you have a short fuse or are impatient then you are in trouble. If you are wanting to be a home care aid then you gotta realize this whole thing puts a huge strain on a family. It's like finding out your kid has a learning disorder or epilepsy or has both. You have to deal with the family which is under tremendous stress. They have conflicted emotions.

If I put together a course I'd ask the following. That you read or buy tape version of getting past No by William Ury. It's a book on negotiation. I think it's necessary to understand that the person you are handling is a person. Then the family in this situation may be crazy. Store an MRE in your bag and excuse yourself to switch out your hygeine device and then lock the door eat the MRE. Have to be adaptable in this business. Then it helps to be life long student every situation every day learn something new. Life is a journey and sometimes a battle but it's yours so I'd say help some family from your church with an elder in their house see if you are any good at it. No good learning how to prepare apple dishes when you aren't even certain if you like apples.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 11:55:32 -0000

My dad banned her from cooking and yeah she made my life a living night mare all the time and I'm pretty certain my dad's too. She was ok when I was kid they let me have peanuts and potatoes. Fed me sometimes she only treated me like a loser after adolesance. I figured all the time if I was a guy maybe she would not hurt me.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 11:47:53 -0000

your neighbors sound like good folks that would be a wise decision to let them help you evict granny:) Remember to invite them for coffee and cheese balls afterwards. Remember the nursery doesn't have to be perfect it just has to have a place to put junior and you can use an old dresser or vanity for a changing table. Since lord knows you can't lift all that junk. Good luck on the new arrival. You'll need the dresser for storage of baby stuff so throw a towel over it and you got a changing table less furniture that you need less complication and less expense. My recommendation is to put the dresser near the door cause sometimes kids pee on you or you forget something like the bottle or a towel or some other related item. If you can do up a bunch of bottles that'd be wise. Don't forget to spend time with the first born. You know sit on the porch or sofa while feeding the kid and ask the kid what's up. The kid's got a lot of changes grans moving out and another kid is moving in. The kid may regress or may have other troubles adjusting to things. Only infants with wet diapers like change. So of course the kid will have a problem with it two massive changes at the same time and a young one has a really hard time brain's not mature enough to take it without having some troubles with it.

I'm telling you I freaked when I found out my grandma was going to live with us and I was not going to be allowed to do my own thing because of her needing care. I had other ideas about my life. I was thinking of running for it. I was pissed I felt down right sore about it. They had plenty of money to hire someone. The more demands on me the harder it got and the more abusive and demanding she got the angrier with the situation I got. Couldn't help it I felt like they'd ruined my life for no reason other than that they could. Novel idea the way you do it occassionally is in your preschool class you occassionally check on the kids see if they are doing alright or need any help that's if yer any good mine wasn't. I'm sure you are a good one. So you check up with your own kid and ask the kid how the kid's doing. Also maybe arrange visits to your parent's home so the kid can have a little time with grands and your parents. Like on a certain day you bring the first born over there alone and that way the kid will have time to be with everyone. This way sibling rivalry is less intense maybe and the kid's out of your hair for a while. That's if the kid's really being a pain. Also it fosters a bond with others and independence which isn't a bad thing to develop as soon as there is a new kid and a shift kids have trouble with it. So if you set up a deal where the kid visits with grans so they got some time together. I have trouble bonding with people but I cannot deny other people do it. So kid's going to miss grans and want to spend time over there quite naturally. Since they get along so naturally they are going to want to be around each other. Kid may not be able to articulate it quite young probably. Then there is the issue of stuff. I recommend a footlocker to store the older kid's things that the kid wants to keep from the sibling. It also works for play dates and stuff. Just explain the box is for the kid to put stuff in they do not want to share. That way no tussels over stuff and play dates are fun since we all got stuff like that even as adults so the thing is to develop a way of dealing with it before anything goes wrong. That way the den functions as a main parlor and the bed room is for sleeping studying and playing with stuff that kid wants to keep in the box. It can also be a way of monitoring them if you live in a bad neighborhood or kids aren't old enough. Yet outside they still need to be watched to make certain they do not get hurt or something. At least until you are sure they are ok. Any further problems get advice from other people you work with. Or during girl time with other mommas. That's the thing about elder care aren't many resources to help people with all the things they are going through especially those who are resentful of the demands being placed on them if they were forced into it and they did not like the elder to begin with. I don't know how it would have gone if I'd been willing to do this without being resentful of the whole deal. Probably just as difficult.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Spockula @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Spockula — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 07:15:31 -0000

Orien2..Holy crap! Did she abuse you when you were a kid? If it's that bad, it's probably best if you just get out of there. Did you let someone know, so, she's not alone? I hope you find peace. Yes, PTSD & caregiving are not a good combination, especially, if the person caused it. Seek some support. I wish you well. Take care.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:52:34 -0000

Nonsense if you are with child then you need to take care of yourself and rest up having a kid takes it out of you or so I've heard. I think you made the right decision for your situation. Take care of your baby and yourself if it feels right and it respects your husband and it keeps you safe and the life growing in you safe then you have your priorities right. I told you I could not give you any advice it's a good thing both of you have good judgement. You need to get rest and tell your employers that you are pregnant so they will know that you might need to request a leave of absence. If you have problems or are tired.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:55:20 -0000

It seems like I came to the right place. My grandma almost blew me up and another person up in the house. She completely ruined my life by moving in. This year I attempted to just leave perminantly. She's been terrible all 4 years and no one has helped me or thought she needed counselling or to see a psychiatrist and I just got fed up that my parents did not care about my needs and so I checked into a cheap hotel and stayed there for three month. She's polite with everyone other than me so I got fed up and left her behind I tried to get a perminant place to live and start over getting a job and forgetting this whole thing. I've wished she would die ever since she got here. I've hated her since she called me defective because I had diarrhea due to taking antibiotics. I have PTSD I do not need this pressure what I need is counselling, a new place to live and to go out and get a job. I didn't think of mental illness being the main problem because she refused to go to a therapist and was set against my going to a therapist. I thought she was faking it to get attention and it was all her fault my life sucked. I have PTSD it's worse now after having to sneak food to survive because she would not let me eat in peace or use the kitchen without asking a thousand times what I was cooking that's why I simply abandoned her and tried to forget about her and simply attempted to get on with my life since no one was listening to my needs then I decided I did not need them and was better off without them entirely. Then I ended up with a jerk who did not respect me as a person or let me do what I needed to do so I left the hotel while he was gone and went back to a situation I found intolerable since I reasoned that worst case my grandma would die before this stupid irresponsible jealous grabby lout I didn't want either. So I'm stuck back where I started and knew I couldn't tell anyone how horrid my grandma has been to me no one cares and they'll take the elder's side so I did not see any point in telling anyone what happened. Since I figure it will be over when she dies. I can pretend it did not happen or that it did not matter. That after she dies I'll be able to restore what she messed up to some extent and have a life that works and makes me happy after undergoing counselling to get my PTSD stable. Once she's dead I can maybe tell my counselor what was going on but I do not see that it is important since no one believed me before or cared what happened before so I reasoned I just did not need them at all and that I had to take care of myself on my own. I just loaded my car with food and clothing and ditched all three of them because I'd enough of them and how they tried to make me by their version of reality. I was the primary person taking care of grandma and she used me for an emotional punching bag and she has a fear of abandonment so I just abandoned her to simply punish her for hurting me like that all the time. I wanted to smack her in the face every time she put me down or was abusive emotionally. So I used her fear of abandonment to inflict pain emotionally and cause fear in a way that was legal. We aren't legally bound she is definately over the age of 21 and so I do not have any responsibility so I just ditched her and tried to start over it didn't work. So now I'm depressed why didn't perminantly getting out of here and leaving her behind pretending she was dead work? I've had no support at all through out this whole thing. I just figured walking away and forgetting she was here would work but I got pushed back into this stupid thing. Just figured they do not love me so I decided to leave them and do my own thing.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:05:30 -0000

I don't know what to tell you. Your husband has a right to say what he does and feel what he feels. I think you need some counselling both of you do it cannot be easy for you. I have a similar problem but I don't have children and am not married. I think what your husband needs is to go with his buddies for a while you know temporarily like go to poker night or go bowling. Then have a family meeting and get a sitter for grandma at a place where all of the folks involved are comfortable. Libraries have conference rooms and group study rooms or a resturant will work like Denny's. I'm thinking the best arrangement might be some form of professional respite care and get everyon to chip in to hire the aid. That would give her the supervision she needs and give you a break. Hospice might be able to tell you where to go looking. It sounds like everyone is stressed and needs a vacation from the strain. Sometimes everyone needs a break. A pro would give you time to repair your relationship. Getting one is cheaper than a nursing home and there are senior programs like day camps for seniors. It would get your parents out of the house. I feel for you you sound tired and more than a little upset. Your aunt and uncle do not seem like nice people. Daycare for your grand may help. Or respite care for a while. Have you had her evaluated for dementia? With a care giver you could put her anywhere. The caregiver comes in during the day and that means no one will have to quit their job assuming it's something your family can afford.

I understand how your husband feels I feel that way about the 93 year old crazy woman in our house who has been driving me crazy ever since she arrived. Main thing is you should tell your parents what the problem is and bring your husband in on the discussion. Until it is resolved you do not want to be having another baby. Gather options and call a family meeting in that meeting room I told you that you needed. Then later ask your kid how they feel? This story may not have a happy ending. Figure out what you going to do if this does not work. If the counselling and family meeting doesn't work then maybe it isn't not going to work between the two of you. So that's why I say do not have another baby because you might have to leave your husband. Someone could probably give you better advice like a pastor or a counselor. Don't take on more than either are you are able to handle right now and definately find out what help is available to you and what services are available what you can afford. For one thing you need to assign a power of attorney legally pick one so there is no question later on about who decides what. I cannot promise you your marriage will make it through this.

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Daughter1st @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Daughter1st — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 05:05:23 -0000

Gosh Jen I so feel for you. Your Grandmothers children need to make the housing arrangements for their mother. This task should not be put on a grandchild. I think you and your husband have done way more then most grandchildren would do for their grandparents and for your little families sake, you need to put this on her children and soon. Feel no shame, you did great, but you owe your own little family time and energy too, and grandma would want you to as well. Good luck sweetie!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Spockula @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Spockula — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 04:55:51 -0000

Again, Galowa....great words of wisdom & reality!!!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by not myself @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

not myself — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 04:15:11 -0000

Hangin' fine, Spock. Mom had two good days in a row. Some kind of harmonic convergence? Anyway, well rested and doing things. Lining up the surgery for January, so things are falling into place. You hang in too!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by Spockula @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Spockula — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 03:50:22 -0000

To: Not Myself.....great words of wisdom! Yes, meds. make a world of difference, & unfortunately, it does take some trial&error to find the right "mix" for person. At least, they(Dr.'s), are realizing that different "things" work differently for each individual. Hang in there!

'I'm being pulled so many different ways' posted by not myself @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

not myself — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 03:38:42 -0000

pianoratfink: first, maybe another name would be better (kidding--just seems weird to address someone as "ratfink"). Next, GALOWA is on the money--the right drugs make a world of difference when they are necessary, and it should be a neurologist or a psychiatrist who prescribes them--some other docs are well enough informed, but not as many as could/should be. Different drugs do different things for different people. What prevents seizures in one person is what stabilizes the mood of another, and what calms the psychotic person can cause crazy distress in another, making them seem "psychotic". Each of our brains is different--as differemt as we are from each other. Often, the docs need to try several drugs, one after another, to see what is optimal for a given patient. It is good guesses, along with trial and error, but when something works--it seems like a miracle. Hang in there and work with the doc to find "the right stuff". Thinking of you, and congrats to Jen--SOOOO wonderful! Luck and all good things to all of you!

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