You just did. Just click the reply butt on and ask the question or answer someone else.

I just got the debit card but I am also an owner on the account now. It was the only way the bank would give me the debit card. I have never used it for gas or for food only to allow me to cash her checks. That is a great idea though. I usually buy the food with my money and then write a check from her account. It would be the same thing actually. Thanks. I like that. Sometimes it is nice to have the real cash in my hand after I go to the bank with the check. I don't charge her for the gas. She has given me a few dollars every so often for the gas. I did use the card to order her vitamins this month instead of my own card.

Just somthing that I have had to do with my parents, when using their money for anything that even remotely looks like it's "something for me" I attach and write all over the receipt " any information for what it is. Since I pay all their bills and 90% of them come straight to me I make sure I have total back up to show them where I have spent their money. Several times they have asked me why something is so expensive or why did I pay off a credit card and when I showed them what was bought or how much the credit card company has increased their finance charges they have agreed with me that I made the right decision. Since my Sister in Law has experienced having my Mother in Law accusing her of stealing her money I know that I don't want that senerio coming my way. So document, document, document....it can make your life easier when dealing with the Parents.

I would not charge for gas if my mother had limited funds. But when the parent has far more money than you do, you have to put your foot down. Sometimes all the documenting in the world makes no difference as it is an emotional thing with them. If you use a a parent's debit/credit card never put anything on it of your own. Just do two transactions if you are shopping for yourself at the same time for efficiency sake using their debit/credit card/check for theirs and your own account for yours. if they want to hlep you out or pay for something they can write their own check or give you cash (fi they are still abole that is).

Missy,

I laugh lightly, because you have received far more comment than you expected I am sure...but since we are all in this together, we all want our specific situations to be known. I am no different. :-) My mother is only 76 years old and lived independently for most of my life.

I was already on my mothers bank account, at her own doing, for a very long time, though I never used it. In more recent years I had to take over her tax preparation and monthly bill payments when she was living independently. The oldest sister had a power of attorney in place for many years also. Both of these matter are very critical to my story because when my mother was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease it was already in the advanced stages and to late to perform either of these very legal matters.

It was clear that she had some problems and we had taken steps to remove her from her independent living before her diagnosis.

My mother lived in Assisted Living facilities for three years, after my sister tried to provide for her in a emotionally charged arrangement (in my sisters home) that only lasted three weeks. There are three of us but the one sister was the only one retired. The cost of the assisted living ranged from $2,600 - $2,900 per month in the places that she lived during that three year period. We had to supplement her income to be sure that her medicine expenses where covered.

I was laid off a year ago and after not being successful at gaining full time employment I started working from home. In March of this year - some months after moving our mother to a second facility because of her bad attitude and hostile behavior - she was injured (broken hand). None of the administrators in the facility would admit what one resident did - my mother was locked in her room and was banging on the door late at night. The doctor would not acknowledge that it was abuse because she had no other injuries. Before the therapy for her hand was completed she turned up with a broken wrist. So I took her to the doctor and never returned her to the facility. The owner tried to tell me that I would not be able to manage..but I told her that I had a much better chance because I love her and know who she was before the illness .

We live together now and I use her money like it is my money. Her money was all used in the past for the assisted living and she did not get anywhere near the level of care that she requires and that I now provide for her. I use it to pay for caregivers when I have to be away, to purchase her food stuff, for her medicines, and for my mortgage and car payment when needed.

My sisters do not wish to participate in her care, so they pay me monthly, a small amount that allows me to bring someone else in for a few days each month, so I can get mental health days away.

This is not an ideal arrangement for me but it is the best thing that could happen for her for now. Her illness is advancing fast and I don't know what the next step for her is because she is very well physically but completely dysfunctional mentally. I pray every day, every hard, emotionally charged day for the answer. These patients are lost in the middle of the care tree...to mobile - no nursing home, to dependent - no assisted living. What is the answer...it is people like us who commit their lives, at least a portion of it, to the care of our loved ones. Thanks for listening.

Terry, I agree. Mom gave up a lot for me as I was growing up. I am trying to do the same for her. She also has a bad attitude and constantly says Maybe God will take me soon and you will be rid of me. This past week; she kept saying I know you don't love me. She is impatient and wants everything right now. I'm not getting any younger and I have health problems at almost 63. I am looking ahead to retirement and I have asked her to come live with me. It will NOT be a bowl of cherries, I am aware of that. I am also looking for a wheel chair so that when her knee buckles I can still get her out on the weekend for fresh air and scenery. She gets mean plenty.

I do have her checkbook here, her stock here, I pay her bills, I cash her checks and/or deposit them and they are HER"S not mine for now. If she comes here, I will use part of the money for expenses. I order her meds, her clothes, vitamins. I buy her food many times.

Dee

Dee, "who's money is it" - is so far down on the scale of what matters in times like this.

My mother has always been a very negative person with plenty of hostile attitude. That only got worst with the illness...but she has a terrible time putting two words together that make any sense these days. I have very mixed emotions about that because I know she is trying to say something negative but can't. That could be conceived as a Blessing : - ) I wish she would say something about GOD. I even tried to read the Bible with her, but her faith is apparently not as strong as mine.

I am one who believed that if I gave her plenty of the right foods and helped her increase her faith she may be able to pull out of this state. I am finally realizing that it is not possible for her.

After my parents divorced my mother did not acquire a home and we sold her car, to a friend of her's, to pay off the note - we where assisting with that payment also. Her final arrangements are paid for and she has a small insurance policy to cover any other details. What else matters.

Her income is going to keep her comfortable and safe for now.

Mom's income is more than mine and it will keep her comfortable for a long time. Dad died in 1997 and she went into depression and refused to see a doctor. The depression and loneliness has caused dementia which it can. She refused to leave the house where they lived. I have a room here for her. There were times she was so sarcastic when i was growing up that one day in a store, a man said Excuse me lady, what did you say? I had to undo that teaching when I went to work and later married. It wasn't tolerated. Now she has reverted to insults and quilt trips when she doesn't get her way. I hear you don't love me as a fact not question. Children are supposed to be brought up to help their parents. I always say unless it can harm their health as I have a few health problems. My parents did without a lot when i was small. I was born with a cleft palette and needed speech classes from 3-7 years old. I was very sickly for most of my childhood. I almost died in 2nd grade.

She has been the quilt trip Queen since I got married in 1969. She even told my best friend what tricks she tried and none were working anymore. I heard all about it so that I became prepared for the next one. I saw a doctor and she told me the same thing. I try to remember what the doc said each time. When I cash her pension check; I made the cashier count, then watch me count, then she sealed the envelope and puts her stamp on it. When I hand it to her she used to count it about 6 times.

the banks are closed by the time I get there and she finally puts on her shoes. So I cash and deposit all the checks now.

I just found this site last night and after reading all these comments, I now feel better about my situation. I've always tried to count my blessings and look on the "bright" side of things, but I admit to feeling sorry for myself and getting down and depressed lately. My father, age 84 this month, has been on Aricept for the past 3 or 4 years. The medicine has helped him because he hasn't changed much from the same person I always knew, except that he repeats himself quite a bit and can't remember much of anything except for the same old jokes. Dad is also blind in one eye due to macular degeneration. He has very limited sight in the other eye, also due to macular degeneration, but in which he is taking shots to help reduce further deterioration and keep from going totally blind (hopefully). My mother has always been a good, sweet person and still is. She will be 78 in December. A couple of years ago, she started losing her memory and asking the same questions several times within a short period of time. The last 10 months, her dementia has progressed quickly, she has lost a lot of weight, and she has hallucinations. She's still a very sweet person and you would have to be around her for awhile and know her to realize something wasn't right with her. I moved in with my parents around Thanksgiving of last year to help with the bills, which weren't being paid on time, were getting lost, and on one occasion, the bill was sent back to the company without a check in the envelope. My parents had the money in the bank, just not the ability to write out the checks. I was usually making one or two trips a week anyway, to come take them to doctor's appointments (my home is 15 miles from theirs). Plus, my mother used to be a really good cook, but had lost interest in cooking and when she did, she could put some strange things together. One night she made hamburgers and I watched as she put the burger together and she did a pretty good job until she put vienna sausages on one and gave it to my dad. He didn't say a thing and ate it without complaint. He's said a hundred times that he'll eat anything but cinnamon. More recently, when mom has tried to cook, she cooks everything on HIGH. She has put both paper and plastic (picnic type) plates in a hot oven and one day I found three cans of soda, unopened, in the microwave. They had been heated, but that was scary because I don't know if they would or could explode, not to mention the metal in the microwave. My parents are not wealthy, but they are not poor either. Their house and 10 acres are paid for and they live on their social security only. They have a small savings. Barring any major expenses, their social security covers all of their bills, including car insurance and supplemental medical insurance. When I moved in with them, I took over paying the bills from their account with mom signing the checks, but have recently been added as an authorized signer on their checking account. I then set up online bill pay, which makes life a lot easier. I usually pay for groceries, but on occasion my mother will buy them. Sometimes we get our own baskets and shop separately. My husband works four 10-hour days out of town and comes home on the weekends. He doesn't stay here all weekend long, but he is usually here for at least two meals. He has some animals that he takes care of at our home and other projects that he likes to work on. I never had children, but he has a son that lives at our house off and on and a daughter in college. As I stated, mom and dad have 10 acres, mostly wooded, with a small lake near by. It is a nice place to live. My mother would absolutely hate living anywhere else. There aren't very many nursing homes out in the country. She has even made remarks about how she would hate living in town when we go there to shop. And I'm talking about a small town, not a big city. Dad has talked of nursing homes in the past, but he can barely see to do much of anything anymore. I want them to be able to stay here as long as they can or as long as I can care for them. I work a once-a-month job during a long weekend, usually 4-5 days, at a big flea market. I really need to keep this job. My complaint? I can't afford to pay someone $18/hr. to supervise mom and dad while I go to work at a $9/hr. job. I would also like to spend a little more time with my husband on the weekends than just going to the lake in the afternoon and getting up early the next morning to get back to give my parents their meds. My parents do not need a nurse's aid. Physically, they are in good shape. Their family doctor called a home health provider and a nurse came out, but she told us that since they don't need physical therapy, or injections, or any other type of nursing care, they weren't what we needed. She said medicare would not pay for a sitter. But like I said in the beginning, I have no room to complain. My father isn't always the easiest person to live with and I do worry about my mom being a danger to herself and possibly the house, but they are good people and the finances are not a problem (yet). I have "some" support from two of my three brothers, though not enough, and I have a beautiful place to live. One parent with Alzheimer's is a challenge, but you read very little about living with two. I know it will get a lot worse and I really dread the day, if I outlive them both, when one of them passes on. I feel very sure that I will be telling the survivor over and over again what happened to the other and am not even sure if that is what I should do. My parents are very close, have been married 58 years, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if their deaths do not follow on the heels of each other. If no one reads this, that's okay, but it was good to think that someone was listening anyway. God works in mysterious ways.

They can set up a Pooled Trust and a Living trust for the house and property and after a 1 month wait, medicare WILL cover a home health aide.

Thank you, I will look into this.

The pooled trust pays their bills and the Living Trust protects the property for the heirs. They then apply for medicaid was how it was explained to me. It IS a 5 year wait for a nursing home vis a vis protecting assets, but only 1 month for medicaid.

living trust for home/property

My Father has been living with me since January of this year. He did offer to help pay the rent and utilities and I installed Direct TV in my ap't to keep him entertained. He always had a gambling addiction so the money he gives me every month does go to paying for utilities and such since he stays at home while I work and the cost of living has gone up a lot. If he got the chance he would spend a good chunk of his SS check on lotto tickets so what is left over from paying the bills I save. However I do drive him around to catch up on errands. For example, today I took off from work to take him to the Medicaid office to reapply and to the DMV to get a non-drivers state ID. My sister and I are applying for a handicapped parking car tag since he is disabled due to his diabetes (he is missing toes).

We are all reading and writing, their is some relief in writing your thoughts even if you do not get a reply...you said a lot but I think I can offer something from my own experience.

First let me say that you should pay for their care from their income, not yours. I say keep the job and get someone to give you some relief to be with your husband at least every other weekend if your parents can afford it. Do it for your own mental health. I work from home mostly but have a few clients that need me to do the accounting from their store. I pay $75 / day for her care on days when I am away, but would not give it up. As well I pay (from my mothers account) for other times when I am away and my son is not available for her care. I have two sisters who prefer to pay me rather than provide hands on care. What they pay provides enough for two days a month for outside care. My mother has several forms of income but no property. She spent 3 years in assisted living and we learned that is not the option for Alzheimer's patients. I was laid off last year and started working from home so I moved her in with me.

Hi Missy, I see this post is 2 months old...but I thought I'd share what I do. My mom died in 1995 (miss her!!!!) and my dad asked me if I wanted to move back in with him. I had been on my own for years and after careful consideration, I agreed. I knew when I moved in that I would be here for the long run. One of the stipulations for me moving back in was that I would build a bedroom and bathroom. His house had one tiny bathroom and I wanted privacy, my own space etc. My father agreed, I took out a loan and had the back of the house remodeled. Also, I asked my father to add a codicil? to the Will and Trust, which stated that at the sale of the house, I would get reimbursed for the construction, as it has added value to the house. My father agreed. Went to the lawyer, handled.

At the time I moved in, even though 85, he had an active social life, drove, went to the market, fed the animals, travelled, etc. I didn't really need to step up my responsibilities with him until a few years after I moved in. He did his thing and I did mine, although he was still 85 and I watched over him. As the years progressed and medical issues occured i.e., 2 hip replacements, I instictively knew when I need to step in and take over certain responsibilities my dad could no longer carry out, such as bill paying, Dr. appts., driving, and basically running the the house. While I've lived here with my dad, I paid the loan on my room, paid for my personal bills, my phone etc. I also pay the cable bill and the DSL (which he stopped using a few years ago) and paid for any issues in my room and bathroom, plumbing etc. My father paid DWP,Gas and we would share the groceries. Sometimes I would fly and he would buy. I never paid "rent" so to speak, but paid the loan which I considered rent. My father never asked me to pay rent.

Fast forward to today - my dad is 94 and going strong. He has a care-giver 6 days a week which I'm so grateful he can afford. I take over nights and Sundays. Up until July I worked a 45 hour week and on call 24/7. Anything that has to do with his house, he pays for. Anything that has to do with my room, I pay for. I think that is fair.

2 years ago, my lawyer looked over the Will and Trust and noticed that my loan repay is not legally solid (long story I won't go into) so on his advice, I sent my 3 siblings a copy of the will and asked them to sign a paper that promised they would not fight me on this issue. Long story short - my siblings accused me of cohersing my father and having a plan to take over everything from day one. I was told they will contest the Trust because why should they pay me back off the top of the sale of the house if I had lived RENT FREE the past 14 years. They feel why should they suffer less money because I got a free ride. A free ride.

In my case, my father has the money to maintain the house he's lived in since 1953. He has the money for his care giver. My money is my money and his is his. Anything that has to do with him, he pays for. His care giver will take a week + vacation in September. I will watch my dad for the week she's gone. I will keep track of my hours and pay myself what I pay her. I think that is fair. More than fair actually. I'm saving my dad the cost of having a stranger from an agency come in at twice the cost and my freedom is curtailed. So, there is my story and my perspective. I think if your parent has the money - you should be paid as a care giver would be. I would definitley have something in writing though..if you have siblings! What you think is fair and what they think is fair could be completely different. They have not walked in my shoes, they don't realize the responsibilty involved, stress, tolerance and sheer stamina it takes to care for an elderly parent. Not to mention I have cared for this house and home, spending money when needed and saving costs whenever possible. I will add that my siblings all know that I would like to buy this house when ever the time comes, which also leads them to the conclusion that I'm making my father pay for repairs, changes that are not needed. Like a shower that needed to be replaced because it was about to fall through the floor!

Hope I didn't side track re: the siblings too much. That's a whole different thread!! And mostly, I hope my story helps you and anybody out there in care-giver land!

Peace and love

Lilykins

Just a thought, but what if you explained this to your Dad, if you haven't already and have him begin paying your loan and any repairs to your room and bath? Maybe even give you a "gift" each year of the $11K max allowed by law before taxes kick in until the max of your original loan has been reached or smaller amount. It is still his money and what he does with it is none of the sibs business. Also, it sounds like he should make you trustee of the will so that way, you will be less likely to be ripped off by your sibs. Yvonne

Thanks Yvonne! The loan is paid off...my dad does not have mental capacity to understand what you just described. He's so sharp in many ways, but something like this he'd say "I don't understand any of this, you take care of it.".lol. I am the Executor - and there are complications with how the Trust was changed, etc. That's part of that long story!! I will deal with the situation when it comes and hopefully that won't be for a long time. My dad is very healthy for the most part and I think he's happy and comfortable living in his own house with 2 cats and 2 dogs and beautiful patio in which he can smoke his cigars! I posted because I feel that whomever is the care giver - and there is funds to pay for that care giver - they should be paid. That's just my opinion!

Have a great day Yvonne and thanks for the suggestion. I do appreciate it!

Oh God my situation is not the same but there are similarities. I take care of my mother in law. She has almost a little over 175k in assets plus a house worth over half a mil. There is a lein on the house cause her daughter bamboozled her 2 yrs ago into opening a line of credit, the girl took a 40 k "loan" from Mommy and has paid less than 500 in interest payments. When we moved in we paid rent but as her care became my life I said NO WAY . We pay for ALL food /phone /cable dinner out /ordering in . I save all the receipts and need to get a log going. My husbands Aunt has Power of atty but leaves it all to me I write checks sometimes she can't sign 'em I do it BUT only if its something totally documentable like house taxes/insurance medicine etc. Mom is no longer remotely competent , she hallucinates. is a wanderer and needs constant supervision. The snr day program did not work out. I am at MY wits END Tried to have a family meeting with VNS social worker re trusts. The aunt and uncle have power of atty (he has neverdone thing 1 except comment negatively on my HOUSEKEEPING LMAO he has NOCLUE) Aunt tries but her husb bad physically and she 77 her kids against her helping. And I know sisssy will go AFTER ME when time comes I have proof of her chicanery that will stop her cold.So I made appointment with elder lawyer we used for will and wresting things away from sissy last year re the trusts. I need a home health aide. I can do this but not alone. Hubby does it on his days off. Its hurting us and our little girl suffers too. We want the best for Mom a NH would kill her. I am dragging the aunt to the lawyer if I have to.

Hi I really appreciated your posting, how is everything going since the last 2 months? I really would like to know the website for the legal forms. could you please forward that to me? I have 2 aging inlaws and it has been quite a challenge.

Linda

Lilly If you are the Executrix of the Trust/Will, but state staute you might be able to pay yourself up to a certain amount for executing the estate assets. I would make sure I paid myself the max before I paid I dime to the sibs.

Linda

I am not sure if you are talking about the Veterns Aid and Attendance benefit or not. But if you are the web site is http://www.veteranaid.org/ The info you need is all listed on the left. But to set up a trust you will need an attorney. they should not charge you more than $2K for everything including filling out the forms and the yearly renewal form. It takes from 3 - 6 months to process but you get reimbursed to the application date once approved in a lump sum. The forms are confusing as for any governement agency.

Here is the email of an attorney I talked to here in Colorado that charges that amount. Her name is Julie. She might be able to help you find someone in your area if she cannot help you personally. carelawjulie@gmail.com Yvonne

I do get paid a small amount as the excecutor which is nice. Listen, maybe when the time comes, my siblings will see that what I asked for was fair. It means they each take away the 1/4 with about $20,000 less. To them, becuase I've lived here "rent free" they shouldn't have to suffer any loss of cash. Whatever. It's been 2 1/2 years since this whole incident happened and I had a life changing wake up call as to who my siblings are and what they are capable of when they band together with anger, resentment and the feeling that they've been wronged. And there is much, much more to this story and I'm sure if you were talking to one of them, they'd have a different perspective on this whole story. All I know is I'm here day in day out, my sister visits occasionally and my brothers pretty much call every so often. What am I gonna do? I let it go and live in the present moment. I don't know what will happen in the future, and I don't want to waste 1 second thinking about something I have no control over right now. If I'm stepping in for my dad's caregiver, I'm going to get paid her salary!!

Absolutely. The cost of caring for a parent is huge. My husband and I have both used all our vacation time from work running my Dad back and forth to doctor visits etc. We have even had to use unpaid time. He leaves the heat and the air on all the time. He never shuts off a light. We do all his cooking and cleaning. Our time with our own children and time for ourselves take the hit.

Why is it that money creates so many problems. I am in a similar boat with my mother accusing me of stealing from her, etc. In hindsight, I would've written something up years ago while she was still somewhat sane. Instead these arguments have to pop up again and again because she forgets what we discussed. It's like you say, you never know what one person goes through until you walk in their moccassins. I wish I had a chance to try them on "for fit" before agreeing to to buy the whole deal that I'm now stuck with.