'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Mr P @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mr P — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 00:07:45 -0000

I agree with all the comments I have read...hiowever i do think some family members do abuse the system...as you know elderly abuse has risen sharply over the past few years and it is not the professionals that is abusing the victim. My Mom fell about 3 years ago..received a fractur hip, had surgery. Went to my realitve home to recover...apparently the docctor said she could go back to her own home at the end of one year...however my realitive kept telling us she had other prioblems, like kidney failure. at the end of three years my family started the process to place her in a home and we learn that mom had been not jsut ficinally abused, but medicaly and socially as well. The realitive was taking the $1000 ss check cashing it and spending it...in 2 1/2 years they had 27,000 spent on themselves...mom was eatin burger king and crackers and milk...no visitors or phone calls allowed...when I interfeared with the pocess I learned that the realitiive canceled the account I set up as a joint account as POA and they cancel it, created a new account and convienced the bank to change the POA without the proper documentation. their is abuse with family care...

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 18:45:40 -0000

DITTO

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Frazzled @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Frazzled — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:53:45 -0000

Amen to that, PT!

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by PTCruzr @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

PTCruzr — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:28:31 -0000

Hi all. Just wanted to add...that "we all have bad days". Maybe that was the cause of anon's outburst. I think sometimes in this caregiving duty, we may all feel resentful at times. As my counselor said...we are not responsible to care for our parents, but we do need to insure that they are cared for. I believe that this is true. While my sister and I are still struggling to "share custody" of mom and take on her day to day needs, I find that at times we do need to see that mom is "cared for" so that my sister and I can get away together and try to keep our relationship intact. It has become fragmented at best. There are resentments on both sides and mostly, I believe, the resentments stem from our loss of independence. But as my husband pointed out to me last night, we all must make compromises. And if this doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger. But I am also resolving to try to insure that my children are not burdened with the care of me. Even though I do not have long term care insurance, I will make sure that I am safely "tucked in" to some sort of facility before I can become a burden on them.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 03:04:40 -0000

Hello Missy,

I think you may be overreacting.

The posts to which you refer were not directed toward a specific "anonymous member," but to the "concept" of the anonymous board poster. (And I don't remember you being so quick to respond when I was being attacked. I even asked for help once, and you told me to "let it play out." Have things changed that much?)

Anyway, ONE poster was indirectly dressed down verbally by some anonymous poster - and others responded to provide support.

A discussion, with light-hearted overtones (heaven forbid,) ensued.

That's it.

End of story.

Except, of course, as you well know, the "anonymous posting," wherein the poster apologizes for being a jerk, was made by moi. And now I'm done.

SO - you can lighten up and have a nice day!

As always,

Galowa

©suzannemcable.9.1.2010

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 02:38:12 -0000

HEY!

I GET IT, OK?

I APOLOGIZE.
I'M A JERK.
BUT I GOTTA LIVE WITH ME, SO WHY SHOULDN'T YOU HAFTA? PLUS - I GOT RIGHTS.

BTW...WHOOPASS-In-A-Can is a REAL product - already! My son's varsity coach gave him some the day after he helped a downed player from the opposing team... (You get an empty can with a label, and you're supposed to fill it - provide your own b*lls.)

So you ARE the cat...
Well I AM - ANONYMOUS.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Missy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Missy — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 02:19:43 -0000

Hello folks,

I want to take a minute to step in and post here. This thread is a great thing and I'd hate to see it disintegrate, which it feels like it's heading that way.

If you see a post that you feel is inappropriate, disruptive or just blatantly violates our Code of Conduct, please let us know. Caring.com has a team dedicated to keeping our community safe and peaceful. You can alert us to a post that needs our attention by clicking "Flag as inappropriate", which is found on the top right corner of each post in our forums. You're also welcome to email us at moderators@caring.com with questions or comments.

Please always refrain from personally attacking other members, anonymous or not, at all times. That is a violation of our Code and could result in being contacted by our team. As I always say, disagreements and differences of opinion are only natural in online communities. Just please always be respectful and let us handle those who are not.

Thank you, as always, for your cooperation.

Missy, Community Manager

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Frazzled @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Frazzled — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 00:19:25 -0000

Hey! HEY! My real name IS Frazzled! :-)

I wholeheartedly agree regarding "anonymous", but I do have to add that some of the best quotes in history have come from, none other than, anonymous or his/her twin anon.

I don't at all mind when someone has a differing opinion, that's wonderful! But, to ridicule, condemn, accuse....yada, yada, yada...and not have the wherewithall to put an avatar to it...then I get out my claws, and open a spare can of whoopass! :-)

btw...whoopass is a new product line of Proctor and Gamble coming to a store near you.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 23:59:39 -0000

Dear Frazzled, ycbski2, and Anonymous (whoever you are...,)

Frankly...

I've been drawn-and-quartered on this board more than I care to think. Still, I really DON'T care who posts - as long as it's Someone with a capital "S."

"Anonymous" seems to be everywhere!
I believe that throughout human history "Anonymous" has been responsible for more hatred, hardship, evil and WAR than all the REAL people put together.

So, while I believe that everyone should be FREE to post - here, there, and everywhere - I also believe that all posters should be at least brave enough to post using a FAKE identity!!! (After, all, in case you didn't figure it out, my REAL NAME is not "Galowa.")

In other words, either...

STAND UP and BE HEARD, or SIT DOWN and SHUT UP!

To me, this seems only fair.

As always,

Galowa

p.s. to Yvonne

I'm so sorry you were upset by a hateful post... But look at how friends have come to your aid! I loathe it when someone directs something like that at me. It makes me feel angry and embarrassed. (And, as I re-read the post which you say upset you - I am surprised to realize that, at least in part, it was actually directed at ME!!)

Either way, maybe this poster is sick and in need of help too. And how would we decide who was "supportive" and who wasn't? We humans are so complex... and from one day to the next it's hard to tell the "good guys" from the "bad." I say we welcome all - asking only that people "stand up" to speak...

Feel better!

©suzannemcable.9.1.2010

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by ycbski2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ycbski2 — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 22:41:22 -0000

Thanks Galowa and Frazzled. Personally, under the circumstances, I think only supportive people should be posting here. We get enough flack in our day-today lives. That post really made me mad for a minute. And I guess I showed it.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Frazzled @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Frazzled — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 21:26:10 -0000

LMAO! Isn't it amazing how "anonymity" frees some to try to slap the crap out of others? Almost as creepy as the invisible man looking up women's skirts. :-)

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 20:37:04 -0000

Dear Frazzled,

"God bless us - every one."
Even those of us who are sarcastic, hurtful, ANONYMOUS, and cowardly.

(And, BOY am I grateful I don't have any sarcastic, hurtful FAMILY!)
LMAO!
(If only they'd become anonymous...)

Thanks for supporting ycbski... xoxoxo

; )

Galowa

p.s. I LOVE your cat pic!!!!
(I believe it may be an accurate depiction of my "inner self.")

©suzannemcable.9.1.2010

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Frazzled @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Frazzled — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:29:41 -0000

@ Galowa, I think the post ycbski objected to was colored with sarcasm and meant to inflict guilt. Yes, we are all entitled to an opinion here, and I do believe ycbski stated theirs.

btw...I love your bumper sticker ideas...LMAO!

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:15:10 -0000

Hi All!,

This board is for EVERYONE!!!

THAT is one thing of which I am certain...

Who among us can truly know what any other person has experienced, witnessed, or done which may color their contributions here with grief, resentment, guilt, - or even, (in some cases) wisdom.

Each of us takes what resonates POSITIVELY for US - and we leave the rest... ALL are welcome...

As always,

Galowa

: )

©suzannemcable.9.1.2010

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by ycbski2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ycbski2 — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:22:32 -0000

And my reply above went to the anonymous post "I agree. Maybe Mums needs to have a stint in the old age home" not to "blessed" who wrote in as I was replying!

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by ycbski2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ycbski2 — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:15:05 -0000

You are on the wrong board! This board is for people who are struggling with caring for their parent(s. People who had to stop working before they really could financially to provide full-time care to a family member. People who are taking care of parents that might not have been the TV ideal to live with - meaning paretns that did not foster the type of loving relationships with their kids to begin with that would have made what has now become a very difficult situation less so. Believe me it is a whole lot easier when you want to do what people here are doing and not when you HAVE to do it because there is no one else. And this idea that just because your parent gave birth to you makes your responsible for them is black and white thought in a very gray world. After all we did not ask to be born to the parents we were. If you have kid you are resposible for taking care of him/her too. Take your judgement self to some other board!

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by blessed daughter @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

blessed daughter — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:11:19 -0000

My mother with dementia lived with us for 10 months before I started using her $$ to help with expenses. A lot of it was me trying to get her finances in order but some of it was that I didn't want to appear to be misusing or abusing my POA. Once I had to resign from my job to care for her full time though, I got over that real fast. We took a big financial hit and now actually rely on her contribution (which is meager). Her SS check is for her living expenses. She does incur them, just like everyone else. I say lose the guilt and be happy you have something to draw from. God bless you in your endeavor to care for your mother.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 16:49:31 -0000

I agree. Maybe Mums needs to have a stint in the old age home.

Forget the fact that for 18 years she took care of you while you were helpless and growing up.

So your brother doesn't have time for her and you are "Stuck" living free in her house? His answer is to send mom to assisted living. Sounds like a good plan.

You could check out organizations that will give you a break. But then again, where are you going to get a house for free?

As soon as you take mom to assisted living, the house is part of her property and considered her asset.

I am sure there is more to this than just, you being over worked and arguing all the time. I hear resentments and this is no way to live in love and peace. She is better off with strangers than to have to be stressed all the time in her own home.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by GALOWA @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

GALOWA — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 09:00:17 -0000

Dear Grandma Di...

Your mom is here with you NOW, but she won't be around forever...

Whatever assets your mother has will be well spent if they make you - and your husband - better able and willing to care for her and keep her at home with you.

In and of themselves, the hardships of caring for someone with dementia - and there are enough of them to sink a ship - can ruin a marriage, drive folks into bankruptcy, and wreck a caregiver's health. The last thing any of us need added to this heap is ANY feeling of RESENTMENT because a loved one has available assets which are are not being utilized to cover his or her costs.

And of course, whatever assets your mother may have, as the old saying goes:

"SHE CAN'T TAKE IT WITH HER...!!!"

I think I'm going to make some bumper stickers that say:

**I'm a DEMENTIA CAREGIVER - SPENDING MY SIBLINGS' INHERITANCE!**

As always,

Galowa

: )

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Grandma Di @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Grandma Di — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 03:33:34 -0000

Mom came to live with us 2 years ago and I always felt guilty about taking any money from her to take care of her. My husband pays all our bills and is retired and on a fixed income. I had to retire when she came to live with us, as she has dementia. After reading all the posts on here, I do not feel as guilty about taking money to help offset the monthly bills. Thank you for your help

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by alsheimers child @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

alsheimers child — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 18:21:09 -0000

each circumstance is diffarant. I cared for my mother for 9 years, she cared for me 60 years, never a complaint she was always there for me. I spent her money only for her she did not drive so she didnt need a car, she paid for her own diapers, paper towels, meds, cloths, special sheets for the hospital bed. She passed in Jan. and she did not owe me a thing and alto I miss her terrible I have no regrets I was honored to have the oppertunity to care for her as she had me for many years. God bless you all in each of your circumstances

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by momearl @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

momearl — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 17:20:00 -0000

in regard to the toilets, for example, I have care of my Dad (90) for 12 years. The house is what I call whack-a-mole..one thing breaks you fix it, and something else goes. Dad also would not agree to new toilets, new pool pump, newer windows, broken lawnmower, etc..so I lied and told him that he could take it off his taxes.. worked for me To answer the topic question yes use their money for three reasons,1. you are much cheaper than a facility, 2.what ever is left, would be yours anyway in the will (probably) & lastly they are getting the best care because you are family (no one takes better care of blood) IMO.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 17:09:50 -0000

oops on some of the spelling on my last reply.two finger dave.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 17:08:08 -0000

I have been takeing care of my mom for almost 20 yrs.As the years go by yhe harder it gets,I'm now thinking about a nurse home (not sure. I might be at the point of burn out?? As far as her mony, and mine with her OK!I use it as needed.If she goes to a nursing home this will no longer matter.For it will ALL go there,and maybe more? If you are a family then use the family money as needed. Dave C.

'If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses?' posted by workerpriest @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

workerpriest — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 15:23:47 -0000

I would not call this hostility either. If you are looking for sainthood, then in the caregiving world it seems there are many saints living in a paradox...that of ambivalent feelings. We would be very crazy persons if we did not have the negative feelings that go with the lack of fairness and actual dangers involved. One could be dispossessed and ruined for the rest of her life in being the only caretaker of someone who has no idea of what it entails and treats the caregiver exploitatively. Not enough contracts made beforehand that is for sure.

Workerpriest

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