If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by blessed daughter @ 03:55 PM September 24, 2009

blessed daughter — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:55:52 -0000

I totally agree!

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by ycbski2 @ 03:51 PM September 24, 2009

ycbski2 — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:51:32 -0000

AJ Bars - Well said!!!

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by AJ Bars @ 03:42 PM September 24, 2009

AJ Bars — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:42:19 -0000

It is my opinion that SS $ should not be dictated by anyone what the money goes for. Assumably it will be used for the qualifiying individual and at that individuals discretion. If they are unable to communicate their desires then the POA is a valuable tool. However I believe it is not up to SSA to determine how and what should be spent or saved and what expenditures qualify as such. My Dad lives with us. He has medical expenses, bills from consumer purchases and a portion goes toward sharing the living expenses. If at the end of the day he chooses to spoil his grandchildren with whatever he wants that should also be his discretion. The closer you get to the end of your life the more you realize you can't take it with you. After having contributed his entire working life to SS it is his money and no one not even the SSA should dictate what is done with his money. Big Brother is going way too far!

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by blessed daughter @ 03:31 PM September 24, 2009

blessed daughter — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:31:47 -0000

I think you are correct about the POA thing. I can understand the gov't trying to make it crystal clear what the SS $$ is for. We have all heard horror stories about people (often unrelated) taking advantage of and ripping off elderly people. I believe the people on this support site truly have our parents' best interests at heart. Thanks all!

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by blessed daughter @ 03:28 PM September 24, 2009

blessed daughter — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:28:06 -0000

I was just turned on to this support website recently and am really glad to have it. I appreciate any and all helpful advise, comments and concerns as I learn the arduous task before me and the intricacies of the incredible balancing act I am discoving this really is.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Daizie @ 09:51 PM September 23, 2009

Daizie — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:51:54 -0000

When Mom's wallet was robbed a few years ago; I called the SSA to get her card righted. They told me to send in the POA which I did. They talked to me as soon as I had faxed it over. I guess it depends on what you are doing for them as to if they recognize us as POAs. They wouldn't even talk at all to me until they had the POA.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by blessed daughter @ 04:34 PM September 23, 2009

blessed daughter — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:34:00 -0000

Great question. I do have power of attorney for my mom and told the SSA that. I was advised by SSA agent Jones they don't recognize POA. I found it interesting but have absolutely no experience with this. I was talking with a friend about it. She told me she has been her father's designated payee for abt three years and SSA has yet to audit the account. To date, my husband and I have funded my mom's expenses until I can get a handle on her finances.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Anonymous @ 03:26 PM September 23, 2009

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:26:46 -0000

I agree and i am so thankful to Blessed daughter for sharing her experience. I have had it "up to here" with "Big Brother"! To think we as children are busting our butts, sacrificing pay, and time with our living and breathing loved ones to support and wait on our elderly parent(s) who can be as stubborn as a common 5 year old; I believe we deserve what ever financial support we are due. The time we spend in care for our folks is priceless and is time we will never get back! I did the power of attorney because we never really new where his money was going. I can't begin to tell you how many copies of Dean Martin's Roast and WWII DVDs we would collect in our home!

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by ycbski2 @ 03:18 PM September 23, 2009

ycbski2 — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:18:08 -0000

Blessed daughter: Why are you her designated payee? It just seems to complicate matters. Instead become her general power of attorney. That way you can sign on her behalf and SSI has nothing to say about how her money is used. Of course, you are using it for her care and belive me if you were paying outside help it would be far more than any SSI payment. You got to figure out how to play the game here, because it mean financial survival! Yvonne

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by blessed daughter @ 11:25 PM September 21, 2009

blessed daughter — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 23:25:17 -0000

I moved my 92 year old mom to our home when my dad died in May. Social Security is her only source of income. Because of her age, SSA advised me to become her designated payee. After I took care of the appropriate paperwork, I got a letter from SSA telling me that the ONLY thing I could use that $$ for is her daily living expenses. The special bank account I opened for my mom is subject to their audit process and if they see I used her $$ for anything else, she could lose her SS benefits! Also, if there is any $$ left over, I am supposed to transfer that into a savings account and, if there is $$ left over to put into savings, SSA might reduce her monthly allowance. Needless to say, that's not the goal here so I use her $$ to cover her expenses.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Irishwitch @ 12:42 PM September 10, 2009

Irishwitch — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:42:25 -0000

Why is it that money creates so many problems. I am in a similar boat with my mother accusing me of stealing from her, etc. In hindsight, I would've written something up years ago while she was still somewhat sane. Instead these arguments have to pop up again and again because she forgets what we discussed. It's like you say, you never know what one person goes through until you walk in their moccassins. I wish I had a chance to try them on "for fit" before agreeing to to buy the whole deal that I'm now stuck with.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by AJ Bars @ 08:50 PM September 09, 2009

AJ Bars — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:50:28 -0000

Absolutely. The cost of caring for a parent is huge. My husband and I have both used all our vacation time from work running my Dad back and forth to doctor visits etc. We have even had to use unpaid time. He leaves the heat and the air on all the time. He never shuts off a light. We do all his cooking and cleaning. Our time with our own children and time for ourselves take the hit.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Lilykins @ 10:20 PM September 03, 2009

Lilykins — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:20:11 -0000

I do get paid a small amount as the excecutor which is nice. Listen, maybe when the time comes, my siblings will see that what I asked for was fair. It means they each take away the 1/4 with about $20,000 less. To them, becuase I've lived here "rent free" they shouldn't have to suffer any loss of cash. Whatever. It's been 2 1/2 years since this whole incident happened and I had a life changing wake up call as to who my siblings are and what they are capable of when they band together with anger, resentment and the feeling that they've been wronged. And there is much, much more to this story and I'm sure if you were talking to one of them, they'd have a different perspective on this whole story. All I know is I'm here day in day out, my sister visits occasionally and my brothers pretty much call every so often. What am I gonna do? I let it go and live in the present moment. I don't know what will happen in the future, and I don't want to waste 1 second thinking about something I have no control over right now. If I'm stepping in for my dad's caregiver, I'm going to get paid her salary!!

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by ycbski2 @ 09:23 PM September 03, 2009

ycbski2 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 21:23:27 -0000

Linda

I am not sure if you are talking about the Veterns Aid and Attendance benefit or not. But if you are the web site is http://www.veteranaid.org/ The info you need is all listed on the left. But to set up a trust you will need an attorney. they should not charge you more than $2K for everything including filling out the forms and the yearly renewal form. It takes from 3 - 6 months to process but you get reimbursed to the application date once approved in a lump sum. The forms are confusing as for any governement agency.

Here is the email of an attorney I talked to here in Colorado that charges that amount. Her name is Julie. She might be able to help you find someone in your area if she cannot help you personally. carelawjulie@gmail.com Yvonne

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by ycbski2 @ 09:11 PM September 03, 2009

ycbski2 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 21:11:04 -0000

Lilly If you are the Executrix of the Trust/Will, but state staute you might be able to pay yourself up to a certain amount for executing the estate assets. I would make sure I paid myself the max before I paid I dime to the sibs.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Linda123 @ 07:46 PM September 03, 2009

Linda123 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:46:30 -0000

Hi I really appreciated your posting, how is everything going since the last 2 months? I really would like to know the website for the legal forms. could you please forward that to me? I have 2 aging inlaws and it has been quite a challenge.

Linda

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Anonymous @ 05:19 PM September 03, 2009

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:19:14 -0000

Oh God my situation is not the same but there are similarities. I take care of my mother in law. She has almost a little over 175k in assets plus a house worth over half a mil. There is a lein on the house cause her daughter bamboozled her 2 yrs ago into opening a line of credit, the girl took a 40 k "loan" from Mommy and has paid less than 500 in interest payments. When we moved in we paid rent but as her care became my life I said NO WAY . We pay for ALL food /phone /cable dinner out /ordering in . I save all the receipts and need to get a log going. My husbands Aunt has Power of atty but leaves it all to me I write checks sometimes she can't sign 'em I do it BUT only if its something totally documentable like house taxes/insurance medicine etc. Mom is no longer remotely competent , she hallucinates. is a wanderer and needs constant supervision. The snr day program did not work out. I am at MY wits END Tried to have a family meeting with VNS social worker re trusts. The aunt and uncle have power of atty (he has neverdone thing 1 except comment negatively on my HOUSEKEEPING LMAO he has NOCLUE) Aunt tries but her husb bad physically and she 77 her kids against her helping. And I know sisssy will go AFTER ME when time comes I have proof of her chicanery that will stop her cold.So I made appointment with elder lawyer we used for will and wresting things away from sissy last year re the trusts. I need a home health aide. I can do this but not alone. Hubby does it on his days off. Its hurting us and our little girl suffers too. We want the best for Mom a NH would kill her. I am dragging the aunt to the lawyer if I have to.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Lilykins @ 04:04 PM September 03, 2009

Lilykins — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:04:01 -0000

Thanks Yvonne! The loan is paid off...my dad does not have mental capacity to understand what you just described. He's so sharp in many ways, but something like this he'd say "I don't understand any of this, you take care of it.".lol. I am the Executor - and there are complications with how the Trust was changed, etc. That's part of that long story!! I will deal with the situation when it comes and hopefully that won't be for a long time. My dad is very healthy for the most part and I think he's happy and comfortable living in his own house with 2 cats and 2 dogs and beautiful patio in which he can smoke his cigars! I posted because I feel that whomever is the care giver - and there is funds to pay for that care giver - they should be paid. That's just my opinion!

Have a great day Yvonne and thanks for the suggestion. I do appreciate it!

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by ycbski2 @ 03:46 PM September 03, 2009

ycbski2 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:46:13 -0000

Lilykins

Just a thought, but what if you explained this to your Dad, if you haven't already and have him begin paying your loan and any repairs to your room and bath? Maybe even give you a "gift" each year of the $11K max allowed by law before taxes kick in until the max of your original loan has been reached or smaller amount. It is still his money and what he does with it is none of the sibs business. Also, it sounds like he should make you trustee of the will so that way, you will be less likely to be ripped off by your sibs. Yvonne

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Lilykins @ 01:05 AM September 03, 2009

Lilykins — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:05:59 -0000

Hi Missy, I see this post is 2 months old...but I thought I'd share what I do. My mom died in 1995 (miss her!!!!) and my dad asked me if I wanted to move back in with him. I had been on my own for years and after careful consideration, I agreed. I knew when I moved in that I would be here for the long run. One of the stipulations for me moving back in was that I would build a bedroom and bathroom. His house had one tiny bathroom and I wanted privacy, my own space etc. My father agreed, I took out a loan and had the back of the house remodeled. Also, I asked my father to add a codicil? to the Will and Trust, which stated that at the sale of the house, I would get reimbursed for the construction, as it has added value to the house. My father agreed. Went to the lawyer, handled.

At the time I moved in, even though 85, he had an active social life, drove, went to the market, fed the animals, travelled, etc. I didn't really need to step up my responsibilities with him until a few years after I moved in. He did his thing and I did mine, although he was still 85 and I watched over him. As the years progressed and medical issues occured i.e., 2 hip replacements, I instictively knew when I need to step in and take over certain responsibilities my dad could no longer carry out, such as bill paying, Dr. appts., driving, and basically running the the house. While I've lived here with my dad, I paid the loan on my room, paid for my personal bills, my phone etc. I also pay the cable bill and the DSL (which he stopped using a few years ago) and paid for any issues in my room and bathroom, plumbing etc. My father paid DWP,Gas and we would share the groceries. Sometimes I would fly and he would buy. I never paid "rent" so to speak, but paid the loan which I considered rent. My father never asked me to pay rent.

Fast forward to today - my dad is 94 and going strong. He has a care-giver 6 days a week which I'm so grateful he can afford. I take over nights and Sundays. Up until July I worked a 45 hour week and on call 24/7. Anything that has to do with his house, he pays for. Anything that has to do with my room, I pay for. I think that is fair.

2 years ago, my lawyer looked over the Will and Trust and noticed that my loan repay is not legally solid (long story I won't go into) so on his advice, I sent my 3 siblings a copy of the will and asked them to sign a paper that promised they would not fight me on this issue. Long story short - my siblings accused me of cohersing my father and having a plan to take over everything from day one. I was told they will contest the Trust because why should they pay me back off the top of the sale of the house if I had lived RENT FREE the past 14 years. They feel why should they suffer less money because I got a free ride. A free ride.

In my case, my father has the money to maintain the house he's lived in since 1953. He has the money for his care giver. My money is my money and his is his. Anything that has to do with him, he pays for. His care giver will take a week + vacation in September. I will watch my dad for the week she's gone. I will keep track of my hours and pay myself what I pay her. I think that is fair. More than fair actually. I'm saving my dad the cost of having a stranger from an agency come in at twice the cost and my freedom is curtailed. So, there is my story and my perspective. I think if your parent has the money - you should be paid as a care giver would be. I would definitley have something in writing though..if you have siblings! What you think is fair and what they think is fair could be completely different. They have not walked in my shoes, they don't realize the responsibilty involved, stress, tolerance and sheer stamina it takes to care for an elderly parent. Not to mention I have cared for this house and home, spending money when needed and saving costs whenever possible. I will add that my siblings all know that I would like to buy this house when ever the time comes, which also leads them to the conclusion that I'm making my father pay for repairs, changes that are not needed. Like a shower that needed to be replaced because it was about to fall through the floor!

Hope I didn't side track re: the siblings too much. That's a whole different thread!! And mostly, I hope my story helps you and anybody out there in care-giver land!

Peace and love

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Terrysmith700 @ 12:24 AM September 03, 2009

Terrysmith700 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:24:31 -0000

We are all reading and writing, their is some relief in writing your thoughts even if you do not get a reply...you said a lot but I think I can offer something from my own experience.

First let me say that you should pay for their care from their income, not yours. I say keep the job and get someone to give you some relief to be with your husband at least every other weekend if your parents can afford it. Do it for your own mental health. I work from home mostly but have a few clients that need me to do the accounting from their store. I pay $75 / day for her care on days when I am away, but would not give it up. As well I pay (from my mothers account) for other times when I am away and my son is not available for her care. I have two sisters who prefer to pay me rather than provide hands on care. What they pay provides enough for two days a month for outside care. My mother has several forms of income but no property. She spent 3 years in assisted living and we learned that is not the option for Alzheimer's patients. I was laid off last year and started working from home so I moved her in with me.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Anonymous @ 11:13 PM September 02, 2009

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:13:49 -0000

My Father has been living with me since January of this year. He did offer to help pay the rent and utilities and I installed Direct TV in my ap't to keep him entertained. He always had a gambling addiction so the money he gives me every month does go to paying for utilities and such since he stays at home while I work and the cost of living has gone up a lot. If he got the chance he would spend a good chunk of his SS check on lotto tickets so what is left over from paying the bills I save. However I do drive him around to catch up on errands. For example, today I took off from work to take him to the Medicaid office to reapply and to the DMV to get a non-drivers state ID. My sister and I are applying for a handicapped parking car tag since he is disabled due to his diabetes (he is missing toes).

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by mad127d@aol.com @ 10:57 PM September 02, 2009

mad127d@aol.com — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:57:24 -0000

living trust for home/property

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by mad127d@aol.com @ 10:56 PM September 02, 2009

mad127d@aol.com — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:56:54 -0000

The pooled trust pays their bills and the Living Trust protects the property for the heirs. They then apply for medicaid was how it was explained to me. It IS a 5 year wait for a nursing home vis a vis protecting assets, but only 1 month for medicaid.

If your parent lives with you, do you use any of their money to pay for living expenses? posted by Texmare @ 10:48 PM September 02, 2009

Texmare — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 22:48:35 -0000

Thank you, I will look into this.

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