I have the reverse scenario .. we paid rent to Mom  when she was functional...but now she needs damn near constant assistance ...we pay for all food, cable phone and household items. I spend at least 6 hours a day if not more in direct care of her, so she does not have to pay an aide. Is it fair to stop paying rent to compensate my time?  The $$ is far less than the actual cost of an aide.

Absolutely, without a doubt.  There is no price tag that could possibly cover the care you are providing let alone the "cost' to your private life.  The real benefit however is your mother is with family and all of the elderly I know thinks this is priceless.  Why would your mother not offer to help with expenses?  She'd have to pay these expenses if she wasn't living with you and it would undoubtly be way more costly.    Have you checked with social services to see if your entitled to some compensation?

I moved in with my mother so she could stay home, (my brother wanted to put her in assisted living).  There is no mortgage so basic expenses is all there is and I pay for groceries and household items.  Since I am on disability she agreed to reimburse me for my expenses.  Well, when it came time to do just that, she decided that  since I'm getting free room and board (that's the first I heard that one) in exchange for 24/7 (actually its a 36 hour day) care  and I want to be reimbursed for food just maybe she should charge me rent to the tune of $600. a month plus charge me for using her car.  That did it for me, I was ************************and decided she  needed to see the costs of her options (nursing home etc....) I also mentioned the fact that she would not be in her own home and strangers would be helping her.  I'm not suggesting the your relationship with your mother is like this I just thought I'd give you a little background of my situation.    Needless to say that was the end of that conveersation for a short period.  I do everything here, I mean everything....cooking, cleaning, driving, scheduling appts. laundry, gardening, (putting in a veggie garden, pruning 6 fruit trees) home repairs (plumbing, carpentry ...)  I am exhausted not to mention that I hurt (bone disease)  and when I told her I was hiring someone to help me, she was *******.  ".  I must think money grows on trees etc...  My mother can afford anything.  When I water the garden she wanted and the water bill is $3.00 dollars more you would think I bought a new car.  Those are just some of the issuse surrounding money in my home. 

I strongly suggest you write up a contract, covering everything.  You need to protect yourself  regarding  financial matter especially if you have siblings and there is money involved.  There are contracts available  you can alter to fit your circumstances.  (downloaded from legal software).   When it is said that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost I believe that also includes protecting yourself and your future.

I found this website to be invaluable to me and my serenity, something I don't have much of.   I hope you find the answers you need and wish you the best.

Imelda

Thanks, I appreciate your input it was very helpful

I honestly think, with the amount of hostility you feel toward your mother, you both might be better off to change her care situation. Maybe a nursing home stay for her would be a good experience for both of you?

If they are living with you, and they have funds; then yes I think some of their funds should be used to buy the food they eat, pay extra bills that occur because they live there, AC, Heat, water, etc. I had a roomie living here and as a senior she could do many things herself but her AC raised my bill substantially, the food and water bills went up.  Now if your parents don't have much at all then I'd say no.  Only if they offer to pay for something.  You may need every penny for medical, prescriptions etc for them. 

If I brought my mom here to live; I would use some of the funds for household expenses. I would be buying the foods she likes for her etc. It all depends on if they have enough funds or not. Mom is covered under medical, prescriptions, eye coverage, and has funds of her own.

Daizie:

Your comments that start with IF IF are indicative that you are NOT in the situation???  If you have not actually EXPERIENCED the situation I highly doubt you can accurately percieve what it is like to be a caregiver to the degree imelda and myself are caregivers.  IMELDA MY HAT IS OFF and I paddle a similiar canoe although my Mom is more agreeable to expenses.  Part of it is at this point though that she cannot understand all the bills.  Otherwise it would be more similiar.  I have a court order for round the clock or nearly or basic care or a home.  We should not have to have so much resistance and stress.  She begged me to take on this role so she could remain at home. 

HMH:  I would NOT call this hostility.   I would call it facts and survival.  We have to survive also.  Few understand what we have given up in our private time and lives.

Snow is right on the money (LOL) pun intended. I live it.I know.

Thank you very much.  I have an all afternoon doctors appointment tomorrow with Mom plus the drive time and preparations tonight of paperwork,, etc. for the appointment.  Hopefully, even though your brother is not the one at least he may be supportive in some fashion and you have one.  I am doing this pretty much solo with no inside help in the house.  About two friends of hers have done very minor favors and a very few minor favors from my friends and I am the ONLY child . Well , actually my brother died when he was 12 and that added to my Mom's mind troubles and probably mine.  She totally cannot function  for business matters and many matters sadly on her own and this is proven medically.  The stress of that alone to satisfy all the legal jumbo is tremendous let alone the medical issues.  The more I have thought about this to reply I had decided in the past I would not deal with people who do not firsthand care for someone with dementia OR have it.  I better stick to that plan!!!!!!   It just adds to the blood pressure and stress.

Imelda knows-------------

To Snow and Imelda, I can totally relate to both of you.  I agree mom needs to chip in with expenses and Snow, I feel  your frustration with be THE caregiver to your mom.  My sister tried to help with our mother, but couldn't do it.  My sister has her own health issues, just couldn't handle helping me with our mom.  Mom has since passed away (Nov. 08) ,but there were times when I thought she was going to outllive me.

Imelda and Daizie...

I am there and I do understand. I have been HOSTILE and frustrated. Sometimes the money situation is overwhelming. Sometimes the emotional situation is overwhelming. I'm only trying to say if there is a way for you to back off for an hour or a day or even ten minutes, it might help you and your mother. There is something in that sick, old, mean woman that you love.....or you wouldn't be where you are.

hmh:    I am SNOW and I am the one

I think I am the one responsible for the comments.  I was disagreeing with you and Daizie------

You were not clear on what you were trying to say nor did you say you were in the situation.  Perhaps my mistake.  I am not often on this site unless I am on the computer for a length of time.  It has been helpful if I get the luxury of participating. 

Another issue I have with your comment of the home is that is a financial wipeout for some elders who have toiled thier whole life.  My Mom begged me to never put her in the one in this town as she worked in it for many years.  Of course I love her and she is doing quite well on meds at the immediate present time.  However, I only think a caregiver can understand another caregiver.

If anyone can provide insight on the meds length of success for vascular I welcome it although from all my research it would appear each situation would depend on the results.  It gets very confusing still even though I have alot of information.  There must be a point when the meds do not have the same effect or they become sort of IMMUNE to the medication.  Any knowledge here???????????

If you join alzforum you can post that question re the meds and an actual researcher might answer you, or you can look up research on the subject. Alzforum is very detailed ...it was a tough day today  with my 5 year old and my 75 year old toddller  and they are early risers usually...hope not tomorrow

Missy, My Father left me in charge of Mom and put me in all his accounts when he passed away. My Mom was not used to paying bills or even buying groceries as he used to do everything. After 16 yrs of trying to take care of 2 households I had to move her in with me 6 yrs ago. I have been single for the past 10 yrs and I had the room so I brought her home with me. I could never see her go to a nursing home or foster home.  It has been tough all these yrs because she won't do anything for herself. At first I had a caretaker here for a few hours a day but she quit on me a few months ago when I really needed her the most. OMG it has been tough and stressfull! My Family just doesn't know how stressfull it is, to top it off I just got diagnosed with kidney cancer and had to quit work. If it wasn't for my beautiful Daughter in Law that helped me out these six months I don't know where I would be or Mom. To answer your question I think it is ok to use their funds to help you out. My Mom is here 24/7 so of course there is a household to keep running. Can you imagine how much it would cost to put them in nursing homes?  But like I said I could never do that to her. I sometimes feel good that she considers my home hers now to. She is very comfortable here but oh well I have to do what I have to do. And that is take care of her. She does help me financially, and I think it is only fair.  There will always be someone or family saying what does she do with all the money. But you know what noone knows what you and I are going through. Believe me it's not easy!

You should have been far clearer in your original judgemental-sounding post, read it again and you will see.

After my Mother passed away I stayed with my Dad for almost 2 years until I had a heart attack and almost died, then my cardiologist said no more.  I did everything for him except doctor appointments.  My niece worked with a girl who also was totally responsible for her father's care.  Her lawyer told her that she should pay herself a monthly fee because she would have to pay someone else to do all the things she did.  So that is what she did.  My sister left her husbands nephew (mental age of 10) live with them , Social Security told her she was entitled to 2/3 of his check because they provided room and board, transportation, food and bill paying. 

So yes, you should get help from their funds.  But, your best bet is to check your states laws.

You are partially correct. Mom doesn't live her because she won't come. I have to go there. I am her sole caretaker. I work full time, I have a home, And I drop everything to run up there on the weekends and during work when she calls with a panic attack. (several of them) My boss thankfully says go and be careful.  He went thru it too. He had made room for his mom right before she died. Mom asked me if I had room for her and dog. I ran around getting one room completely set up just for them 2 years ago. It's there.  I do her wash, I see that she changes clothes at least once a week and that's a fight, I clean her kitchen, bath, wet mop her living room rug, do all her bills, take her shopping, cook meals for her which I find molded that I must heave because she forgot them, I call her twice a day to remindher to eat, take her meds, even as I hang up, and there are all there when I get there. Since DTV came in, she hasn't watched TV, but about 3 hrs every time I am there we go over the instructions. I take care of her dog.  I get both of them to the doctors. My friends ALL agree with one another that no way should she come up here even though I keep trying to get her here.  They know her. She is an Ares-Ram. She can get mean and stubborn. I have to cut her grass and I have asthma but she refuses to hire anyone or let me hire them.  She has turned off most of the friends that are still living with her attitude. 

She's been depressed since my father died in 1997, and as her friends put it to me, Your father spoiled her rotten.  She wants to be babied.  She remembers things from years ago but can't remember if we went somewhere an hour ago.  But she will swear she does.  Depression can lead to demenita and that is a medical fact but she has always refused medical assistance. You had to be there the one time she had to go to the doctors She had every person staring at her. Hollering about me bringing her there for a checkup.  Then in the office, she was such a sweet old lady.  The doc looked at me when he asked her a question and I'd nod yes or no.  Of course her answer was nothing is wrong.   I have read so many articles on this behavior. My Doc sent me to a shrink for help.  Quilt trips =She reigns Supreme Queen.  Children are EXPECTED to help their parents (even if it makes us sick)  I cut her grass one day and had an asthmatic attack in the store but didn't have my inhaler with me.  They were ready to call EMS and she never said a thing. The other folks were trying to help me.  The next thing I heard was how many items do I have?   It didn't phase her one bit that I couldn't get my breath.

Your mom's behavior sounds so much like how my mom was before her Alzheimers was really full blown.  I did the same for my mom. I would see her at least once a day. Usually it was after work I would go to her house and made her fix her own dinner which was "Healthy Choice".  All micowaved meals.  My husband and I disconnected her stove so she wouldn't set the house on fire. After finding a pan, she had hidden, that was totally burnt to the point it could never be used again. She denied she had burnt the pan. Claimed it wasn't her when I asked, "who else lives with you other than your cat?" .  I then asked her if she thought the cat did it.  She looked at me and snicker saying "don't be ridiculous." I think at that point she remembered she did it, but never admitted it.  At times I had to go twice a day. She had a phone in her bedroom and she would  forget to hang up after talking to her or wouldn't hang it up all the way or she would knock it off the hook because she would sleep with the phone. I would panic and tell my boss at the time that I had to go to her house to see if she was alright.  This happened atleast twice  a week.   She would do it on purpose to get a reaction out of me because she then figured out if its off the hook, I would be coming over to her house and she would get to see me again.   Before all this started happening, she had her attorney create a Living Trust and one of the documents she signed was if she was mentally incapacitated unable to make the right decisions,  I had the power to take over and make those decisions for her medically and financially.  To get her to go to the doctors, I would have too, so to speak, "strong arm" her to go to the doctors.  I would have to remind her that she had given me the authority by signing a document that I was in charge of her. It was the only way I could get her to go. I would have to threaten her if she didn't go, I would have no other  choice then to move her into a home where strangers would be taking care of her. Once I got her in the car and she was at  the doctors, then she would behave herself never wanting to cause a sceen. Even though she had Alzheimers, she was still clever.    

I was laid off of my job which made it easier for my husband and I  to take care of her full time.  She has since passed away (last year) and it left me drained.  All I can say is good luck to you.  If you have the Power of Attorney to be in charge, use it.  If you don't, try and convince her to have one done. 

my sympathy to those with difficult parents.  We live at my parents home now for 6 years.  I first took care of Dad with Leukemia. 6 months while I was working full time and living somewhere else.  That was very hard.  After Dad's passing, Mom began to have strokes, falls, chronic fatigue, depression, now Parkinsons.  My older brother has power of attorney.  Another drama amongst siblings, we thought it would help to ward off the crack-head middle brother if Mom & I did not have access too readily.  So we gave all proxy to the oldest.  Now I have to ask and explain for any money.  Mom would give til the all was gone.  That's not what we want.  Just to be able to have sitters come without worry of the money monthly running out.  Yes, equal support on the bills is very important.  My husband works and pays the utilities, taxes, and for whatever breaks.  Mom buys groceries once a month, which equals out to be about what she would be buying if she had to buy for herself weekly.  I think there should be some more alloted towards paying on some of the bills.  I have to gravel for that.  I think there should be money if she has a good week and wants to buy something for her grandchildren, she should be able to tell me to buy it and it should be that simple! You never know how people are going to react once they are in charge of money.  It is hurtful to be suspect of spending Mom's money for myself unjustly.  UNJUSTLY  I am her caregiver 24/7  no one else comes to check on anything.  Shouldn't there be compensation for the caregiver?  Yes.  Then yes they say you have a place to live with out payment.  oh my it goes on & on.

God Bless you all.

I have the power of attorney for her.  She signed all the paperwork for that.  We have also gone to every bank and changed the accounts so that I am part owner now with her as primary.  This helps because I write the checks, I can cash her checks for her, w/o her there. 

She tells me she needs exercise and that's why she won't hire anyone to do her grass. I let her weed wack her back yard yesterday while I mowed the front. the back has ground cover tough that the mower can't cut. I have asthma. she kept calling that it didn't work-plug was out of machine. The water was dripping off me in buckets and I am also a diabetic which dehydration is a big problem for us. glucose rises. 

Dad had cancer of esphogus and later developed lukemia. I was kept in the dark when they went to the doctors or hospital for transfusions until at the end. The day I planned to go up for a visit (being allowed to come) she called to say that he didn't feel well and I should not come, he died that day in her arms.  I made it all the way home when I got the call that I should come directly to the hospital.  I knew why.   At the funeral, I sat next to her but when everyone came up to her, they looked at me as I extended my hand and went to her.  She NEVER introduced me to any of them. Then when my friends and coworkers came in; she ran right over to us.  She had to be center of attraction.  I can never forget it.  I wasn't even there until my group came to the viewing.  My minister came and she had a new minister at the church-her minister asked my minister to do the service.  I live two counties away and it is about a 100 mile round trip.  He had met them several times. 

Even though I have the power of attorney; I cannot spend the money for her unless she agrees. I would have hired someone to mow the grass for her, he came to the house and she dismissed him.  I sent someone to fix the gutter and he worked with seniors and discounts, she refused him.  Her toilet needs replacing. Dad's meds took the enamel right off the bowl.  she refuses.  When we sell that house or after she goes;  her estate will have to pay thousands to right that house.  It needs repairs.   We go tot he dollar store and she hesitates to buy something for a dollar.  cookies, veggies, rolls etc.  she can afford a few dollar items.  

It takes me about 24 hours to recoop after I come home with her clothes to wash, her garbage, her recycles.  My Uncle went for a visit a few years ago and he swears he will come back for the funeral only, it took him over 2 weeks to recoop his mind.  the first few days he refused phone calls, visits from neighbors and friends. He needed absolute quiet. 

Good luck living there.   With my Mother, the rule will be this is HER house and I will need to obey HER rules.  I went for new years eve two years ago and what a night.  I wanted to sleep on the couch with my pups.  I also wanted to watch a bit more tv.  NO NO NO.  she shut the tv off in the middle of the show and demanded I go lay in the bed that made me itchy and sneezing.  she didn't change the linens or dust it off at all because this is her storage area.  she piles everything on that bed.  I clean if off for her so she doesn't have to climb steps now (she slipped several times going up to bed) and I come back and can't find the bed.   I clean off the dining room table and come back and can't find it for all the junk piled on it.  Is this a game?

I am power of attorney so I don't have to beg anyone but HER to get something for HER that SHE needs.  I can do her banking for her and she doesn't have to limp into the bank to do it. When I cash her pension check, the clerk counts it, I count it in front of clerk and then ask clerk to seal the envelope which I promptly hand to her when I get there.  She counts it three times after that.

With you being Power of Attorney and if you are on her accounts, you don't need to ask her permission.  So far your mother is more aware of what is going around her than mine was.  What I would just say to your mom,  that she signed a document which gave you control of her finances because she is unfit to do so herself. That's what I told my mom all the time. I told her, since I was taking care of her, and whichever house we were in at the time, as long as I was in charge, she had to obey MY rules.  My mom was a stuborned, head strong person, but I  told her no matter how much she carried on she wasn't going to get anywhere with me.

After reading of all these experiences, conclude that wife & I are lucky but need to change a few things.  MIL moved in suddenly Oct 18th and we accomodated her and made room.  Shes 93 and semi invallid.  My wife spends at least 40 hrs/week caring for her, driving her places, etc.  We still need to put it in contract, but she pays a monthly sum, which she can afford, to my wife.  We pay all expenses except health insurance, but we pay the copays.  Without that, it would really pinch us in the budget, as we no longer have jobs.  In reading about these situations, I feel no guilt at accepting pay for services we definitely render==MIL now has a life!   I think that is much better than mixing funds--confusing and maybe illegal in some cases. It eliminates alot of problems about who pays what, and it is very much cheaper for her than any other options..

I think we COULD EVEN purchase a new car in her name or jointly--to transport her, and that would reduce her net worth if nursing home is ever req'd.

You should definitely figure out some compensation if your parent is anything but destitute. The impact on your life is huge - quite aside from "actual" expenses of increased utilities and food. If you have a spouse and/or children, there is extra impact - because you have to process your response to your parent's care with them.

Get that power of attorney when it is appropriate; if you are unsure of what is appropriate compensation, work it out with the banker or attorney.

In our small town in the Midwest the banker, lawyer, pastor, and doctor all side with me as far as taking care of the parent goes; getting an "expert" involved in a conversation will help with your parent. Discuss with this person your side of the issue first and then meet with these people with your parent. Chances are very strong that they will support you and your parent will completely respect their opinion. Everyone who knows your situation will be amazed that you are even attempting this.

Be sure to take care of yourself - healthy food, exercise, spirituality, time away (scheduled, if you have to). 24/7 care by one person exists only in novels about the 1700s, and even they get an afternoon off- and those workers did the job only because they had no options.

Check with your friends to see what the assisted living costs actually are. "True" expenses, according to my friends, appear to be almost twice what we have been quoted by the centers. Sticker shock may help explain things to anyone who questions your requests. If you have siblings who are questioning, exchange places for two weeks. Even if they aren't questioning! Or hire someone for two weeks!

Dagdon,

How is it you could purchase a car in her name to protect assests?  Do you know if the nursing home would just require you to sell the car??  I may be wrong but I think they would require it to be sold for home costs.  I have wondered if I could do this and recently asked an attorney that represented my ward on another matter.  Attorney said I could only charge for the maintenane of the vehicle.  Oil changes, routine maintenance, etc.  I'm not even sure about insurance but I plan to just take my chances on that issue.  I am purchasing the vehicle because my Mom's is shot and the cost to repair it would far exceed the value.  Rules, rules rules.  If you have or get any firm info on that I would like to know.  I am not going to fight with tires and the air off and on again working with the car she now owns.  However, her income and estate are not large enough to have the "within reason" rules justify the cost of a newer vehicle worth purchasing.