I NEED TO VENT

Welcome! Are you a caregiver? If so, you've found the right place! Post right here and vent away! We'll do our best to lend you the support and advice you need.

Lisa

I'm a care giver currently for my father

I am about to go completely crazy! I have my Dad living with me & he is getting on my very last nerve. I think he already past it. It is hard as hell to take care of a parent. He'll be 56 on Monday (11/17/08). I had to have him hospitalized Feb. 14th, 07 for SEVERE depression. Well, after his 72 hour stay he went to stay with my brother for a short time. In the process he lost his house and pretty much all his belongings. I have had him with me since Sept. '07. He was going to counseling that I helped set him up in. Now he quit. He was on meds, now he isn't. He wont apply for food stamps, has a problem with helping finacially. He doesn't seem to want to go back to work. Actually he said he couldn't go back to work. He said he can't work anymore. He said that he can't get in housing ( of any kind) that he doesn't qualify for it. That he basically welcomes death & fears living. He drinks too much for my liking. I can't stand my house smelling like alcohol & he makes it smell that way. Mike & I don't drink that often. Hell, we still have some liquer in the freezer that we haven't finished. Yes, he takes the garbage to the dumpster, & washes dishes. If he is going near our post office when he goes on his "bike rides" he "checks the mail". He may get some paper towels occassionally, lunch meat rarely, bbq sauce, peanut butter & jelly, a soda or sweet for me on occassion. But that is it!!!!!! I do the house work, laundry, Mike & I buy the food. He isn't doing anything to help his self. I am 30 yrs old almost 31. What if I had kids? I live in a 2 bedroom. My child would not live in a closet, my room, or the living room or bathroom or kitchen. He wants to go bike riding, for hours, drinking, out to eat, go to stores (walmart, Kmart, grocery stores, etc...). But, yet he can't go in them for a job. He can't ride his bike to the DEFACS office to apply for food stamps, or the housing authority to apply for housing. If I mention him being self sufficent he basiclly wigs out and starts telling me why he can't work, or get SSI, our get in housing or food stamps. His depression, and the affect of my step mother dieing on him, the way he will never be the same person he was prior to her dieing. I am one of the worst "care-takers". But this is getting to be a bit much. I mentioned to him about how he use to be, his response...I'm not the same person. I mentioned his exercising, strong will, the fact that I told Mike years ago that if "my Dad" came and lived with us he wouldn't be like Mike's mom. "My Dad" would be working on getting out and into his own palce as soon as possible because he wouldn't want to stay with me forever. All my dad could say to that was, "I'm sorry, you lied to him!" I have told or even asked Dad to do some things here like turn lights off because the bill is still too high. He said it always seems to be. I ask him to close the door when he goes to bed & turn lights off exept the one over the stove. He said something along the lines of approving what I said, and basiclly like I have permission to do that. This continues alot. I shouldn't have to ask for permission to do something in my home. I don't like that when we had other people (Mike's cousins) staying with us, he wanted to act like an a$$. He wouldn't close the door to the bathroom when he went in there, was talking crap about people in the house. I don't want to tell him to get out. I don't want it to sound like I don't care, but, he's not trying and that is what I can't stand anymore. Mike and I need some of our own space. With my fibromyalgia & Lupus the added stress doesn't help. With me trying to conceive, the stress I'm under can also contribute to infertility. I can't even walk in my own home with a night gown or night shirt & under wear. I got up one morning and had on my night shirt gown, and he mumbled under his breath but loud enough for me to hear, "Go get some clothes on & cover up!" in an extremely rude tone. If something isn't going his way he mumbles, huffs, and puffs till either we stop doing it or change, get it, or whatever else. What am I to do? How do I say something and stick with it with out sounding like I don't love him anymore? How do I get my life back? Mike and I have been together 8 yrs. and not even a year (I think) has been JUST US. My parents had "just them time before I was born. And my step mom and my dad had alone time after kicking me out like they did my brother when we weren't convienant anymore. They had from November 1996 - December 2004. My Dad had til the evening of February 14th 2006. My step mom died February 5th in a nursing home, she was admitted at the end of January. But she was in and out of the hospital from December till she died. Mike & I have for the most part had his or my parent living with us. His parents had them time prior to Mike being born. I need time for my relationship, damn it! HELP SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That's all for now, I'm not a fast typer.

OMG Allie!  You deserve huge hugs!  This is definitely the right place to vent, girl.  And it sounds like you needed that.  I hope, if even in a small way, getting that all out feels a little better.

While my situation is quite different than yours, I hear ya on feeling frustration when someone you're caring for just seems to stop trying.  It's not fair for them to have you go waaaaaaaaaaaay out of your way for them and get nothing back in return.  Not even a shred of hope that you will.

I'm not sure if this will help, but have you thought about receiving counseling yourself?  It sounds like you may need the advice of a professional in helping find tactics that work for you and your dad.  While I know you want to help him and be there for him, it sounds like he's taken over your life, house and your relationship with your husband. 

I have an idea, but please take into account that I do not have experience in dealing with someone who severe depression so what I'm thinking may not work.  But, have you thought about sitting down with your husband and coming up with a list of house rules and boundaries?  Assuming your dad isn't suffering from dementia or some other cognitive impairment that makes him unable to understand, he is living in YOUR house where there are rules. 

I'm making these up, but maybe something like,

1.  You must contribute, in some way, $500 a month towards this house hold.  It can be in food, towards the electric bill, mortgage, whatever.  But we need financial help and there are ways for you to contribute. (i.e. foodstamps, finding a part-time job, etc.)

2.  You must see a doctor about your depression and follow his/her course of treatment.

3.  Drinking in excess is not tolerated.  We do not drink and don't feel comfortable with you doing so in our house to the point where we're smelling it or it is affecting your moods.

4.  We are here to help you help yourself.  When you refuse, we will refuse and that means you needing to find a new place to live.

I know these sound so harsh, so definitely consult with a doctor who is knowledgeable in depression because this may not be the right strategy.  But good grief, there's got to be a way for you to regain some of your life back!  I think a situation like yours is easier to take when your loved one is like 85 and has a progressive disease.  You can rationalize "I'm just going to take the good with the bad and enjoy the rest of our time together."  But yourdad is so young!

Alrighty, enough rambling for me.  Just know you're not alone.  *hugs*

Let us know how things are going for you.

Dear Allie,

  It sounds like alot of your dads problems stem from drinking.  That alone can contribute to depression. Your dad is the same age i am, i have lost my oldest son, believe me i didn't want to go on either. I am also a 2x cancer survivor, so i think i have had my share of tragedy also.  The thing is,we have a choice,.  I could either wallow & hurt my other boys & family,friends  or to try to help lessen their pain too.  ( i have been treated for mjr depression, fibromyalgia for yrs)  YES!!! it  sucks when we have to be our parents ' mommies.  My mom is 78, and has taken over my whole life. I love her, but somewhere along the line we must ask ourselves  "how much are we responsible for?  Also your dad is young!!  Your health problems & your relationship MATTER!!!!   At some point in time he will meet someone,& go on.  At the very least, he will think that to disrupt your life, is acceptable to you,   He will be ok.  You take care of you & yours, if he doesn't want to respect your needs, feelings, tell him to leave.  It will hurt , but he will always be dad.  Give him the dose of 'tough love"  he needs!  Good luck & prayers   deb

Allie,

To echo Missy and MomsMa, it does seem like time to set some boundaries with your dad.  I know in my experience sometimes that seems difficult to do because we are afraid of the reactions we might get, or of appearing uncaring.  So ask yourself - is the way we are approaching things now actually helping my dad?  Is it helping him heal, recover, grow and become a better person?  If not, then maybe a different approach is worth the risk of upsetting him.  Long term, also, you can only help him effectively if you are also taking care of yourself.

Sending big hugs your way!

Dear Allie,

I'm sorry to hear all the problems you're having with your father.  It sounds like he's given up on life and is taking you and your husband down with him.  I know how hard it is to take care of your parent as I also took care of my father but he was much older and sicker. 

You need help. It's time to sit down and have a real honest talk with your brother.  You make up a list of your complaints and needs and let your brother make up his. Then, the two of you need to combine the lists while agreeing, before hand, on the most important points to discuss with your father.  The two of you have to confront your father together.  He's acting in a completely inappropriate, selfish, childish and unloving way and it must stop.  You both need to 'put your feet down' and let him know that if he continues to refuse to do anything for himself or you, he will not be welcome in either of your homes. 

I would also talk with your father's doctor.  He or she can be a great help in assisting you to get him to do, or not do, certain things.  Enlist anyone else you can think of to start talking some sense into the man. 

Your father is still considered a fairly young man in today's society. He obviously isn't physically ill, just mentally depressed and that's OK.  He has legit reasons to be depressed.  But, it is not OK for him to continue to take advantage of you and your husband's kindness and hospialtalty.

I know it's hard, but right now you are the one who has to take him by the hand and firmly lead him out into the world again.  Plus, your brother needs to take some of this heavy burden off of you. 

Besides your father's doctor, may I suggest you look up different organizations who can help you.  There are Women's groups who help women, plus religious organizations who help out with caregiving issues and help out with respet for caregivers.  Plus, there should be a number of non-profit groups who have programs for people like your dad as well as classes, loads of information, seminars, groups and lectures for caregivers like you.

You should also think about getting into a caregivers therapy group or, if you can afford it, one on one therapy.  There is nothing more theraputic than being with a group of people who are going through similar experiences and who understand you. 

More than anything else it's time for you to start taking care of yourself and as some one has already posted - setting boundries.  It's time for you to draw a line in the sand and for your dad to grow up.

Sending loads of hugs and good wishes your way.

Keep your chin up!

 I feel like I am a VERY similar boat.  Depression, drinking (while done secretly), no life. I have had it too and it is just because he is not doing ANYTHING for himself.....nothing, nada.  He sees a counselor for his drugs but that is the only reason he goes.  I do not want to go to counseling for this..I just want him out. I have kids, a husband that need me. My kids ARE dependant on me and they don't have a choice...my dad does.  People feel sorry for him because he is old (73) but he does not take care of himself...oxycodone, valium and beer and donuts is not a healthy diet..73 or 53. My siblings have no clue.   My mother (who is divorced from him) has no clue.  UGHHH!! I freaking hate the situation....I love my dad but I do not have what it takes or the desire to do this anymore. I will NOT do this to my kids..that is for SURE!!

Dear Allie and lovinlife,

No one else can know when you have had enough.  However, it seems to me that caregiving in the best circumstances is stressful, but taking on a parent who is destructive and providing caregiving to them with no limits or boundaries, is bound to turn out badly.    There is nothing wrong with making your marriage or your children or your job the priority.  Sometimes we can't fix people, and just need to accept that we can only offer limited help:  information, tools, an occasional ear to listen or shoulder to cry on.  Of course accepting our own limits might mean grieving the loss of the dads we wished we had!  Sending you both support and caring.

 The last part of what you said is part of my personal turmoil. I hate that this conflict presents itself in a time where there could possibly be no tomorrow. The guilt of not being 'super' daughter makes me feel disgusted with myself.  I am preparing myself for that potential of guilt that will come when my dad is no longer around. I hope I can deal with that when it comes in a healthy way. Both of my parents are very very needy of my time and I have nothing else to give them.  I am reminding myself that they have chosen as adults to not 'live' their life.  I over compensated with compassion and willingness to drop everything in the beginning and spent all my compassion...going on about 15 years for my parents and grandparents. The difference is that my mother started the need at 55 and my grandparents at 90 years of age.  My father's situation is tragic because he chooses that. He doesn't need to worry about money, he has grandkids around and all the things that would take nothing for him to go fishing, take a trip.  I feel manipulated.  I think the best advice I am seeing is setting up boundries, guidelines, criteria. I could handle this situation if he had a life, if he took care of himself, ate healthy, grabbed for the joy that is out there and not ride on mine all the time.  I am so grateful that I have a place to vent and read about others who are struggling.  I would have never thought I would ever feel this way...ever. I just hope he decides to be a grown up and we can get our relationship back on track and normal.

Lovinlife,

There are a lot of "ifs' in your message.  And I wonder if you and your dad ever had a "normal" relationship?  Maybe I am just projecting, so forgive me if I am overstepping here.

 I lived away from my parents for about 16 years moved to be closer to my parents about 5 years ago. They were married when we moved here.    My mother kicked my dad out after 47 yrs of marriage and called me to 'rescue' him from the devastation he was going to feel.  My dad was a man's man. He took care of everything,  workaholic....not a perfect husband  ..a recovering alcoholic for most of my life, suffered from depression but he did anything he could UP until my mother sent him away. I never saw the alcoholism or noticed the depression per se in my youth.  My mother was all he had as a friend.  So 'normal' relationship...hmmm. I was never my dad's confident before. I was just the daughter who would come visit, call every week or drive to see them if there was any health issue. But really, he was healthy healthy.  I moved here to for the 'just in case' ..added support NOT to take on everything.  Judithmft, what is your thought? Don't hold back with any ideas you may have.  I am interested in solutions or other point of views. This dialogue on my part is completely about me and how I feel (stuck).

Have you spoken to your dad directly about how you see him not acting on his own behalf since the divorce?  I guess I think that either 1) he is capable of getting back some of the "workaholic" skills to help himself; or 2) your mother was overfunctioning for him all this time and he is unlikely to develop the kind of self help and self care skills you see lacking right now.  If it's #1, honest communication may help him make some different decisions.  If it's #2, you may have to face the fact that he may never be willing to do better than this.  If it's #2, then you may have to do some grieving about his limitations, and make some tough decisions about what help you are willing and able to offer.  When someone is very self destructive sometimes it helps to remember that you should not be working harder to help them than they are to help themselves.  I just wonder about the long term dynamic of your parents' relationship and how co-dependent and enabling it might have been, and whether what you are seeing now is just the unmasking of what was always there.  Whatever you decide to do, I think taking good care of yourself, your children and your own life is okay.  And repeatedly reminding your dad that you remember his capable, functional self and hope to see him using those skills again couldn't hurt.  Ditto to your mom.  Hope this is helpful.  I really relate to that internal tug-of-war regarding helping a difficult parent.  Just remember his needs are not the only important ones.

 You are spot on as far as overcompensating. My mother did it, I have done it, my father has...a continual spiral. I did not understand the dynamics of overcompensation until I read in one of my many self-help/improvements books A Dance of Anger (fantastic message).  I have pulled back the over compensation ie I make breakfast for him IF I am making some myself or dinner.  My kids come first and not him.  It is hurting him, he is not a mean man just broken. I think after releasing here a little I have been able to communicate more with him..on a very simple level.  What do you think of American Idol ha trivial and light conversation.  The HARDEST part is knowing that I don't have forever to be angry with them and time to make up.  The bad day may be the last day.... I am very aware of that with my actions towards him.  Not in an overcompensation fashion but careful balance of releasing on here I guess and expressing myself to him without feeling so much stored up disgust, resentment, and frustation that obviously seeps through my scowl on my face. 

Judithmft,  Thank you for taking time to talk to me.  It has helped me incredibly to have someone listen and give feed back.  You are very insightful and I appreciate your honesty and encouragement.

Dear lovinlife (your handle says it all!),

You are so welcome. Talking with you helps me clarify my feelings and reinforce my own learning about being with my quite difficult father as he faces Lewy Body Dementia, so thank you for giving me the opportunity.  Your dad is lucky that you know he is hurting and broken and not mean, since he is really pushing that envelope!

I, too, love The Dance of Anger.  Probably need to re-read it!

Be well.

I was sent this site from a friend as I too am caring for an elder parent (85) going on push me in front of a moving truck to release me from HELL!!!!   As I read the releases and comments I was sad to hear but happy to know that NOR a push over for caring a bit more for my dad at this time than self........I left my lucrative care free travel career and moved back to my dreadful birth place after finding out my Dads nest egg ($100,000) had been stolen by family and friends.  NOW I AM ENEMY number 1..... I dont understand it ........Tho I too have a home I thought it best to move in with him and we rebuild together.......Easy I thought Show HIM  I care enough to give him my best 1 to 1 care as I am a travelig nurse........Thanks Dad!!!  It is crazy I tell you my dad flips out on me at will and says I am the cause of it as he wants to live as if nothing happened........says I keep bringing up past and not to mention my mother was not a mom and he supported me in all endeavors through life so HE is MY MOMMY and DADDY I hold on to this to keep the faith......Allie and Lovinlife I propose as this is what I do I wait until it is a seemimgly good day for him and tell him respectfully how I feel then somedays I blow up on him and it shicks the hell out of him I am not physically or verbably abusive but I am firm and let him know I AM HERE BECAUSE OF YOU NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE......THAT gets me a few days of niceness and sorries and he dont know WHY.........I will tell you truthfully it is deeper than either of us know and sometimes REALITY is a VERY UGLY place for me my parents married because I was coming and tried to make IT last for me and it DID NOT......SAD for me I remind each of them of the other and my mother well I DONT OWE HER ANYTHING but common respect but even my friends and NEW Husband(anotehr soul suffering) say I speak & sound like my mom and act like him so I got that TRUE blend going on and it KILLS him ...........so.... I pray ALOT CRY sometimes smile ALWAYS and find solace in the fact that tho this is truly hard for me I think it is HARDER for HIM as he was ALWAYS A MANLY MAN and some in MY EYES and NOW .....I say MY Lion is going down giving HELL as he drifts to slumber..........I dont know if this will help another I HOPE SO ....as the messages did ease me ..........I PRAY FOR A LL for we have JUST begun.....there is not a book of taking care of our parents or elders for us as they did not have one when caring for us is all I am saying we can give ideas but only YOU KNOW most of what has happened prior to your dilema.....TAKE HEART ....not easy but doable...........another thing I do too is suggest and when he doesnt do I do it for him .......like the Dad not applying for Aide apply for him and have him sign if you can............Good Luck and God bless us all

I am new at this but since today was a bad day with my parents, and  finally after years of hospitals, doctors visits, etc. etc., I guess it has hit me how i am feeling overwhelmed and tired.  I was searching for help.....what to do and found this site??? I feel so guilty for the tough love I gave my mom today. btw they are 74 & 75.  I feel I have been a wonderful and supportive daughter.  I have two brothers, one who is very helpful now and the younger is not gonna help. I myself had cancer twice...now am 46.  My brother, 47, just had a heart attack.  So I just don't know how supportiveI can be without enabling and allowing this co dependency.  I have my own family ..son 16, and college daughter 21, and of course my very supportive hubby, plus 5 pets (my therapy). I am a teacher and off in the summers...i have spent most of it including my parents on trips and attending to them, etc....my dad has many health issues...prostate cancer, parkinson's, quad. bypass, and recently hip replacement for falling  (ortheostatic bp)..he walks very lttle and has or seems to have given up on life...sleeps forever, losing weight...mom has parkinsons also but not as bad, diabetic neuropathy, and recently complained of chest pains, no heart attack but after cath we were told it could be treated w/meds.  She is his caregiver and I know it can be rough. Then my bro had this heart attack on memorial day, 3x stent procedures were done.  So obviously they don't want to disturb him...My cancer BRCA 7 years ago..stage 3, pretty bad ,7 pos. lymph, chemo, rad...the works...then OVCA...but only stage 1...WOW!!.....it is amazing all this happened and i have survived it...but now i feel like i have no life as my parents age....just this summer alone i have spent 4 separate ocassions with mom & bro w/ hospital stuff, then  this week mom's bro. had a triple bypass &aortic valve replacement, again we spent another day in the hospital. I am exhausted writing this all...HELP...am i just overwhelmed this summer or do i need to learn how to stand up for myself...i think my mom is very co dependant...at the same time I know she doesn't want to cause problems.  Today when I stood up to her, angry and just tired,  i felt guilty like crazy...still do...she said she was sorry...it nearly killed me.....what do i do....does anyone out there have any good reading material, suggest a book to read...i want to do the right thing....l love my parents and would never want to hurt them. thanksssssss

I just want to thank everybody for posting such honesty.  It seems to me that the worse our upbringing was and the more difficult our relationship was with our parent when we were young, the harder it is to easily care for our parents in their later years - at least that is my experience.  No matter how much I want to be loving, kind and patient with my mom as she ages, the resentment, anger and rage is always under the surface and I swallow it as much as I can (while aknowledging it to myself at the same time). 

I have found that keeping the peace, deferring to my mother's age, taking care of my health and tending to my own life help me considerably. Although it can be difficult at times, giving your parent as much control as possible, makes your life a lot happier and easier because the more elders are in control, the healthier and more content they are. 

We have to keep our boundries - doing too much breeds a lot of anger.  It sounds like your father needs some kind of outlet to make him feel productive.  Being someone who suffers from depression and is unemployed, I can tell you and him that anything that gets him out of the house and out of himself for awhile will help him to move forward.    What are some of his interests? Being strait with your Dad while being respectful as well may help the situation.  If you go at him with anger, a list of grievances, demanding money, support etc. it will be like smashing your head against a concrete wall.  Depression is tough and your Dad is aware of what the situation is, he just needs some purpose to his life to make him feel like a whole man again.

You said, "And my step mom and my dad had alone time after kicking me out like they did my brother when we weren't convienant anymore. "

I know you want to be the better person, but he is an alchoholic probably and you need to kick him out!  Even if you have to have the police do it.  You are not a bad person.  You would be more honoring to your father to not continue to enable him.  You should probably call up al-anon for children of alchoholics too, they can help you with this.  You leave your parents to be married, your husband deserves your time and attention.  Your dad CAN work and get benefits if he is truly entitled to them.  He is wrongly taking advantage of you and your husband.  Don't feel bad about what you have to do.  DO NOT let him make you feel guilty.

My mother-in-law. It wouldn't be so bad but I've asked her, then I told her, to not eat or drink in her bedroom, it draws ants. She swears up and down she doesn't but I know she does, there's crumbs in her bed and all over the floor and I sweep it every weekend. I bought her a pack of white washcloths as drool rags and there's food on them from when she eats and so the ants get in there too. I guess I could hang a Walmart sack on the door knob in the laundry room and have her put them in there, maybe it won't be so bad. I find drool on the table, on the floor on the vanity in the bathroom and the last straw was finding it on the lid of some food in the refrigerator, it grossed Bruce out so bad he wouldn't eat the food that was in the container, orange slices candy. I guess I'm going to have to get her some bibs so she can wipe her mouth without having to carry the rag around, which she sets on the table. If she will. Arrggh!!! Thanks for letting me vent, any ideas?

Would she be willing to wear a chain with clips on it(as one would for glasses) around her neck, with a washcloth or something attached? Not quite the indignity level of the bib, but always available?

Thanks ginnysheen. She suggested bibs herself but I don't know if she just intended to use them at the table. I would think she would want to protect her clothing, they get covered with spaghetti or coffee stains depending on what she's eating and it would free up her hands so she could carry something without having to tote along a wash rag but it would be readily available. I'll ask her and let you know.

Hi I just got a new position with a woman who is 96, in very good health, but with some dementia. She is a wonderful person but has started to develop these crazy horrible parinoid suspiosions about her family. Its heart wretching to see! She says they steal from her, watch her, don't appreciate her, you get the picture. These family members are caring, loving, and kind people. I can not convince her that she is imaging these things, that they are not real. This is a very intellegent woman, a New Yorker, who is a fabulous person otherwise. HELP

Good Morning: Wouldn't you know it I just read an article describing the exact sitution and the solution. However, I don't remember. I am going to find the article and get back to yoo. Just wanted to let you know there is an answer, just hank in there.

Imelda

DEar Forresville Nan: It appears taht the person you are caring for trusts YOU more than her family, which is very interesting. Maybe this is a common occurence, but my aunt by marriage (who has dementia) is suspicious of certain members of her immediate family and not others. The others have provided opportunities for the "accused" ones to shine and prove to "aunt" they they are in fact, heros. It has helped with the tension in their home. I don't know if the family you are working with would possibly be able to do something like that, but just thought I should pass along a strategy that helped my cousin.