'Extremely uncooperative' posted by lorna stoney @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

lorna stoney — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:19:32 -0000

STAY STRONG,WELL DONE....I SEND A PRAYER,AND A BIG HUG,BLESS YOU ALL... X X

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Gineen @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Gineen — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 14:34:33 -0000

I grew up with a alcoholic father, and a depressive mother. life was not easy. . I also married two alcoholics and became one myself. about 20 years ago I found a 12 step pregram called al-anon. it is for family and friends of alcoholic. there is also a program called ACOA. adult children of alcoholics which i have attended too. they are there to help us deal with the addicts in or out of our lives.we learn to take care of ourselves despite what the alcholics/addicts are doing with theirs.. try it. it works. Gineen

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by jj77 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

jj77 — Mon, 24 May 2010 07:36:42 -0000

You must be some strong lady to have endured for so long... keep praying for strength and do what you must to be able to live with it. I've lived with an alcoholic spouse for years and now we're both elderly; but things can change; and if things can't maybe you have to.. looks like you know what you must do but, again, be able to live with it. Believe me, no one should judge whatever decisions you make. I'm praying your mother is not beyond the point where she may be able to see herself and what she has done. The times when she is sweety-pie, give her loads of positive feedback. But don't let yourself be destroyed. I would think she would be one unhappy woman knowing that her health is so bad and she has not made a good life for herself and those around her. I'm praying for your strength and endurance and peace. You deserve it!

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Jennifer Scott @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Jennifer Scott — Thu, 06 May 2010 03:08:18 -0000

I know your story was posted about a year ago, but it still struck me. I attend conclinling with my daughter, and you sound a lot like me. One thing I was told, and it has helped a lot, "don't try to 'fix' the problem/situation'". It has been the best advise I have ever gotten. It's hard to bite your tongue(I've made mine bleed lol) but I haven't been as stressed or worried. There is a path for all of us, just go with it.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 10:53:34 -0000

Well maybe some people are like that is harsh according to some. Yet if they do not want to change their bbehavior then there is really nothing you can do about it other than deciding that you are stop buying into their games. Which is technically what I've done. At some point you gotta decide this person is bad for my piece of mind, mental health and well being. I've been telling them take her to a psychiatrist a psychiatrist could get to the bottom of this maybe and give us good advice. Is it medical, is it emotional, is it chemical is it related to problems in cognition, is it abuse related. Take her to someone who understands what is actually going on knows if medication would help or what to do with this person. My psychiatrist worked at the state hospital so he'd recognize this sort of thing faster than I would. He qualifies as an expert we may need her declared insane he'd be better to do that than anyone. At some point you gotta say this person is not going to change doesn't want to and draw the line. Anything else would be completely irresponsible and dangerous to everyone. If a person came in your house and started cursing was snorting cocaine to and was out of control and you had a ten year old asleep and it was a school night and after 10 o'clock and you could not get that person to stop then the responsible thing would be to call the cops and have them removed from your house.

I'm against allowing behavior at the expense of the vulnerable or the young. No one did that as a kid for me. We all deserve to be protected from things that are dangerous or harmful to us. I mean you would not let your child play with a rottweiller or a pit viper or run in the streetinto the path of an on coming car or allow an individual you knew was not safe around children to be around kids. Like a sex offender. I pray that you go to a counselor if you were molested then that is where you need to go. Just because they got problems doesn't give them the right to put their hands on a young body. If you couldn't tell your mom then you could have told any adult like a doctor or teacher who cared deeply about you or asked the police. The truth is you were scared most likely terrified. They probably said something like a threat or something to get you not to tell that's how it usually works that's why they get away with it for so long. You need to take that scared damaged girl to a counselor and tell them what happened to you cause if you don't they'll do it again and again until someone stands up and makes it stop finally. That's their sickness they didn't own up and take care of it. They lured a small girl in and did that to her if that ain't sick I don't know what is.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 08:42:27 -0000

I do not mean to harm you but I wish my grandma would die.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 22:25:03 -0000

It's worse she's gotten terrible. I swear to god I threatened to smack the mess out of her today thought about picking up my bat and threatening the woman with it. The day before was crazy.

I thought this was so funny. There was a tiny garter snake anyway she hates snakes so she freaked out completely. It turned out not to be a large grandma swallowing python or an anaconda. Well we picked it up with a rake the snake seemed confused and ended up going airborne for a while. We finally relocate the snake and things calm down and today I just lose my temper. I'm really frustrated. I'm thinking of getting a snake for a pet she might die from fright. She admitted she got everyone to do what she wanted them to eventually and acted as though it was my problem I could not stand her and said she was punishing me for my father and I want to punish her until she begs to die. I told her I didn't care about being arrested it would be worth it to get to pound on her to teach her some respect. My parents won't do anything about her bad behavior and I have nothing to use other than these kind of threats to get her to behave.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by msanitra @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

msanitra — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 08:47:05 -0000

I truly sympathize with your situation. Hang in there, it could be worse....easier said than done. However, you can only do so much.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by newby1961 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

newby1961 — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 08:00:30 -0000

Wow Orien I have spent the last hour reading all the posts and I have not seen anyone get on you as a matter of fact what I have seen is a lot of caring patient people letting you vent for some very, very, long posts, and then reach out to you trying to share their experience strength & hope w/you. I think you have so many issues that I wonder how you can help a family member when it is clear that you my dear are in need of some very heavy counseling yourself. All the posts about the Lord are great but it takes more than just praying. God is not going to beam down and do the footwork for you So prayer yes but then action is needed. There is a story about a man who was on his roof cause of a flood. He prayed for God's help, a man in a boat came by and said get in, he said oh no I prayed God is going to help, the water kept rising a plane comes by, get in before you drown, oh no I prayed God is going to help. Well the man died and when he got to heaven he said God why did you forsake me? God said well what did you want I sent you a boat and a plane. Peace

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by thelioness51 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

thelioness51 — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:03:14 -0000

There is no such thing as "some people are just like that!" There is always a cause for dysfunctional behavior, it just takes time and a whole, whole, WHOLE lot of patience to uncover the roots of someone's dysfunction sometimes (the Bible calls it "longsuffering"),and an enormous amount of love.

The old saying "hurting people hurt other people" is a valid truth that people often overlook, when they see others acting out. But unless there is an emotional problem such as mental retardation, manic depression or other form of mental illness, the right thing to do is to assume that the individual doing the acting out is in tremendous, emotional pain.

No one wakes up one morning and decides: "hummm, let's see....I think I'll start drinking and become an alcoholic." Or a drug addict. Or a prostitute. Or any of the other dysfunctional behaviors that we see destroying our society. The average, human being has a lot of emotional bruises, scars and wounds that more often than not, can be traced back to a wounded parent-child relationship. (If you knew or could find out or can hazard a guess at the relationship your Mom had with her parents, you can probably pinpoint where the fissure in her spirit and heart began, and deduce from there how she ended up in the state that she is in now).

I know that I've said it in this forum before, and I'll keep saying it until God calls me home: Most parents were taught to believe that love is providing a roof, food, clothes and education for their children. While all of that is necessary and does speak to parental caring, giving those things alone leaves a child with EMOTIONAL abandonment issues. And emotional absence is just as damaging and just as painful as physical abandonment.

Also, unless your Mom (or another family member) is honest and open enough to talk, your Mom may be hiding sexual, physical or mental abuse from her childhood or, her past. No matter how many times I counsel people, it always stuns me to hear them say: "that's not possible....I know all about them!"

The old folk have a saying: "heap see....but few know." I always relate the story of a man in our neighborhood, who appeared the epitome of kindness. Portly, handsome, beautiful wife, handsome son, elegant home and a well manicured yard. They were not wealthy by any means, but certainly well off. My parents (who were poor) admired the Gibson family, as we all did.

One day, Mrs. Gibson asked my mother if I could go to the store for her. Always the gracious neighbor, my mother agreed. I was excited about seeing the inside of a "nice" house, up close and personal. But when Mrs. Gibson went upstairs to retrieve money for my shopping, Mr. Gibson proceeded to fondle me, while trying to guide my hands into his zipper. I was shocked, and terrified. I'd only heard (in secret whispers) about men like him, but now I was the victim of one! After that, Mr. Gibson found numerous tricks to get my Mother to let me come over. Always, it was the same routine - him groping and feeling me up, and me feeling dirty, guilty and nasty.

I never told my Mother. She already had me branded as a liar, since I'd fabricated other stories when I was younger. Plus, Mr. and Mrs. Gibson were "nice" people! The shame and the fear from that incident only intensified as I grew older. Eventually, I was molested by my pastor. And had it not been for true Believers who have 'spiritual insight' and saw in dreams and visions, what the pastor was doing to me, I would have carried the guilt and shame of what my pastor had done to me probably for a lifetime, also!

My point is, no one ever knew about Mr. Gibson. No one ever knew about another male, family member who molested me. Constantly. No one ever knew about the women who began molesting me. I only got help and healing when the Prophets of my church, saw what my pastor was doing, and reached out to me. They helped me as far along as they could, and afterward, I began reaching out for more help on my own, by the grace of God.

Heap see....but few know. The people who are encouraging you to abandon your mother....forget about her...focus on your own family can speak with ease because they're not wearing your shoes. And while I agree that change may be extremely difficult for your Mom, due to her age, I am a firm Believer that there is NO sickness or heartache, that doesn't respond to consistent, steadfast, unfailing love. While your Mom may never be the Mother that you would like to have, you can help her to live out the rest of her life with some sense of decency and dignity if you seek out the right kind of help from the right sources.

Think long and hard (and if you believe in prayer) pray even harder, about which way you should go and what steps you should take. I am a living witness that God does answer the sincere, earnest cry of those who put their confidence in Him! Just give Him one more chance!

And whatever decision you make, you will know that it’s the right one if you have peace in your heart, once you have resolved to move forward with it.

Praying for you.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 20:18:07 -0000

I admit I was pissed and couldn't deal with it so I left. That thing you describe as passive aggression describes what is going on here. She set us on each other all the time. I've just broken off relationships with people she was using in that manner. It's not just guilt tripping she's gotten people on her side with manipulation and one physical altercation that was serious has erupted without warning. So when someone has that reaction to what I decided to do to protect myself from being emotionally bullied by a woman or manipulated I decide they are on the side of the people who have been making everything so terrible and just toss them as well to prevent the individual in question from using them to hurt me. Since you put no store in what the people who believe her say using them doesn't work anymore for the person. They can create strife in other ways but it isn't as devastating and those cut relationships can usually be repaired after the abuser is dead or out of the picture. Otherwise it escalates and you end up playing their game their way everyone does. They are just too good at fighting dirty and using people. So if you don't want to fight a battle you cannot win then take the other person's amo or stay out of the way until they realize it isn't going to work. That you aren't going to buy the act they use to lure you into that situation again. That the nice person they pretend to be doesn't exist. My parent have the authority to put her into a home and I don't. She is polite and cooperative for the most part with them but is terrible with me because she knows she can get away with it. Since they do not care what she does to me. So that is why I just have minimal contact with her hoping that what is stored inside her will finally explode all over them and they'll have no other option but to do something about it. Yet she's been using them to get at me and I picked up on it and cut off that route entirely without telling her it was cut or any of the people involved that it was cut so she wouldn't know to get someone else to try it or be allowed to influence anyone I know and trust until the crisis ends. Since if she has no actual contact with anyone I know then I can stop it from spreading to other areas in my life and once she's gone I can try to rebuild those relationships or once I get out of here and establish a safe zone. I tried to at the hotel but it didn't work. I tried to get a place of my own but my mom messed it up. I told her if the next time I try to get property it fails because of her I'll haul her into court and get her for false arrest claim as much as possible and do what I want to anyway. Either she let's me make my own decisions willingly or I'll just drag her into court sue her and take everything from her. She called me about 5 times per day while I was in the hotel to get better and deal with my problems and I told her I didn't want nothing to do with her at all. After the violent altercation I told her she disgusted me altogether. I figured if I never had anything further to do with this didn't think about it or talk about it then I could pretend it didn't matter or wasn't an issue. Keep it locked never let her find out how many hits I've taking or that or the anguish her behavior has caused since if she doesn't know it's getting to me she'll try something else and I'll figure out her pattern since she'll throw every last dirty trick she has to try to get me and I'll know it's a lie all of it and I'll have a better map of her behavior be able to analyse that and I'll recognize it when someone tries again. If you are fighting someone and you know what they are after know what weapons they have and know what they are likely to do then that is better than walking in there blind. Also if no one knows what you are going to do to them. It disorients the enemy's coordination for long enough to provide you with options and better ones. Since in passive agressive people emotions are used as weapons so you take your emotions off the tray and the manipulator won't know what to do for the most part except to use someone they think can get a reaction out of you. So it's basically war. I figured dementia would rob her of the ability to do this sort of thing but it didn't work that way. Then someone started in on me here and I was just tired of it so I left. Just figuring doing what I was doing which was to keep it a secret from everyone would be better than taking a bunch of garbage off a silly fool in a group of people I probably didn't have anything in common with any way. I think the dementia has made an improvement in her. I wish she would lose the rest of her mind that way they'd stick her in a nursing home or she'd just die. The latter would be better in my opinion because then it would stop all of this junk perminantly. Well I tossed the garbage and marked the offending post as inappropriate. If anyone does that again I'll do the same thing and if that person gets really awful or tries anything else I know how to deal with people who try anything. I'll take delight in doing so.

A number of times I've had to ditch entire groups as a result of this sort of thing. As result of people taking the side of the person attacking me sometimes they would rationalize that person's behavior, other times they'd push the sympathy button or try or other times they'd defend the horrible person attacking me. So I figured out which button they were trying to hit and what they were using as well as what they expected me to do and decided to nip the whole thing in the bud and left them with that person I didn't want anything to do with just cut the bond with that person entirely and in some cases it was perminant especially when it wasn't mandatory that I be involved with that group or I wasn't getting paid for it. I'd stay put in groups where I was getting paid until I found something else and then leave once I was absolutely certain I could get a different job when I had a solid offer then I'd tell the person I had a problem with that they sucked or not given the circumstances or just give notice and split. I believe I'm wise for deciding I do not want anything to do with people like that.

If you knew a car salesperson was trying to sell you a bad car or your cousin told you that he was dishonest then it'd be awful foolish to buy a car from such a person. Or you looked around the lot and decided it was poorly managed and the customers were not being treated with courtasy and professionalism then you'd decide wisely to go somewhere else to avoid a bad deal or at least have what you were considering examined by a reputable expert. If you were at a poker game and you saw someone cheat told someone in charge what you thought you saw and they didn't investigate or take it seriously then you'd be a fool to play cards with that person anymore or at that place anymore. Yet if the card house decided to question that individual or search them or both or watch him then that would mean they were trying to make certain things were done honestly as possible which would mean you could trust them for the most part since they ran a clean house. In relationships it's alot like gambling or buying a car. My grandma is just a lemon and my parents are like the dishonest car sales folks or two card house managers who I told about the cheater and they are trying to keep me playing cards with this person I've decided was completely dishonest and dishonorable so I refuse to play the game or deal with the lemon they keep trying to "sell" me. I'm just stuck sitting in that area but decided not to play "cards" with her or anyone in there and refused to "buy" the lemon either. It's like playing the slots they program the thing to give a big pay off at first or maybe not who knows and you keep feeding it credits and they end up taking more off you than you won and that is actually how casinos make their money. Alot of relationships are just like that. You keep waiting for the big pay off but it never happens instead you end up losing your shirt. Some relationships there is a foundation of mutual respect and those are usually the best. Yet one person like my grandma can upset the balance and have everyone at each other's throats. The only way to stop it is to stop. You know walk out of the card house or walk off the yard. Yet with a dedicated manipulator they are adept at preventing people from leaving them entirely. They need their manipulation fix like an alcoholic needs their alcohol before they recognize they have a serious problem and do something about it. Yet most alcoholics who are upfront with themselves are healthier than love junkies like my grandma and they make everyone around them sick as well. The victims are either poisoned against everyone around them or they think it is their fault somehow. I think the people who have ecided not to buy it are healthier than the ones who think it is their fault this happens and have decided not participate in this sort of thing and not let anyone drag them back into this whole thing. At least they do not expect anything from this other than to be cheated by a liar and a manipulative piece of trash. It's a hard way to deal with it and the manipulator will do anything to keep the game going because it gives them power. Yet the damage from the poisoning cannot be repaired until the thing that poisoned you is gone and you should not attempt to repair relationships until this stops. You'll think it has stopped before this happened a number of times but it normally doesn't last they are just figuring what else they can get away with doing to you. The attacks are subtle so people are going to accuse you of being over sensative for the most part and that is one of the things they use to their advantage to get away with it also isolation is another thing they use to get you that they figure if they take everything you will have nothing and that you will love them because they think destroying everything will leave only them in line for love and attention. Yet what she didn't count on is my experience with this and that I caught her but haven't told her who did or how I marked her or my parents.

She keeps pushing the same buttons not knowing why it doesn't work or different ones but it still doesn't work no matter which buttons she presses it's a no go it's just not going to open for anyone she can influence until she is gone. Possibly the people she used to get at me after her tricks failed to bring any results will be locked out altogether in the same manner perminantly even after her death they did try to sell me a lemon after all and they did allow someone to cheat me so that means they are cheats themselves. Since they see a reason for me to continue to have anything to do with a lying piece of trash after I said I had no interest in playing with a liar and a cheat so that means they are scum as well. Yet I'll decide that after she is gone.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by elaine5728144 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

elaine5728144 — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:27:24 -0000

HELLO EDIE, I HOPE YOU ARE WELL. I AM DEALING WITH PAIN IN EVERY JOINT ON MY BODY, I AM MISS FIBROMYALGIA FOR THE MONTH OF APRIL. YOU ARE GETTING SO MUCH ADVICE. I AM GLAD BECAUSE THIS IS ALSO A WAY FOR THEM TO VENT ALSO.

TAKE WHAT YOU NEED LEAVE THE REST.

GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I, ELAINE

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Chessies @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Chessies — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 15:19:18 -0000

While my mother didn't suffer with alcoholism, she was a passive agressive personality. Pitting my four sisters and I against one another, constantly telling us how "no good" we were, how she ruined her life having us,and on and on it went. We all were victims of her mental illness, leaving us all with scars of our own. After my father passed away, she went on a buying hoarding spree, getting everything she was denied by having children and a controlling husband. To the point none of us were allowed in the house, as she accused us of stealing her things, but the reality of it was her hoarding had completely filled her house, and only path ways remained. On occasions when she needed something she would let us in, to replace the fridge or some other major problem, flooded basement, once we went there to find she had no heat in Jan.she had sent the bill back with a note on the outside saying no thank you. This was told to us by the gas co. who had repeatly tried to contact her with an assitance plan. she only let us in so much, she would berate us for making her life so misserable and if we were "good children" we would understand why she needed all the things and just mind our own buisness. Meanwhile on visits we'd hear from the neighbors and relatives how no one calls or visits, no one came to see her for christmas, how none of us have time for her. In trying to deal with her hoarding problems it became evident dementia was setting in,her mother suffered from alzheimers as did her younger sister. We went the route of meals on wheels (she just saved all the meals in the fridge.)she had thousands of those take out food containers. We had someone in to make sure she took her medications, arranged rides to and from activities and doctors appt.Had her lawn mowed etc. But it became apparent she could no longer take care of herself, she was sleeping in a chair at nite, as the bed(s) were totally covered in mounds of "things she always wanted", as was the rest of the house. The show hoarders gives a real picture of how these people live. With filth,pet crap throughout the house, kitchen counters with bugs, mouse poop too extreme for words! But, she wouldn't admit she needed help, she just insisted we wanted to steal her things and wanted her money. Of which she had none, in just a few years she was able to spend over $60,000.00 on " Things she always wanted" I am very fortunate that after all the years of our mothers efforts to tear us apart, we sisters stayed close, probably closer than we would of otherwise. It came to a point we had to contact the police and make them aware of her mental state and that their were people to contact in case of emergency. After not hearing from her for days, (her phone had been disconnected)I drove two hours away to find her slumped in a chair heaving, she was severly dehydrated. I had to call 911, she had to be helped outside to get on the stretcher, as their wasen't enough room to get it into the house. After that it was pretty much taken out of our hands, as the doctors evaluated her mental condition and deemed her incompetant. She is now in assisted living and after so many years of being bitter she is now in a happy place, she has friends, eveyone accepts her. She doesn't know how much of a struggle it was to watch our childhood home have 7 rolloff dumpsters taken out of the house, and then to see it auctioned off to pay for her care, medicare will only pay when she requires a total care facility . The women who put us all through so much, now has no memory, all the tears at her hands. She doesn't know what year it is. So I guess what I wanted to say, is you do the best you can, do the right thing by your mother, siblings, children, but, mostly do right by yourself. I feel bad to this day that the last time my mother saw her home of 60 plus years was from a call I made, but, I know it was the only thing I could of done. Stop beating yourself up, call senior services and let them evaluate the situation. Keeping her in her home is not always the best thing for anyone!

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by MICHAEL1 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

MICHAEL1 — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 13:18:30 -0000

Dear sufferer,

Hello! I see that you have already received some good 'suggestions', here and there. I am preying for you as I write this as I know the frustration of beating a dead horse, as well as, bewilderment, anger, horror, fear and anxiety of abondemnet, addictions, chronic emotional trauma... I suggest that you get counseling for you, and for her in a nursing home type environment. Your mother needs (people) for her mental health in addition to counseling, I know that that will give her some peace she desperately needs in her last days. Work with the professionals, therapise, counselor, Psychologists, nursing homes, even coutny! Above all, you are most important to get healthy for you own family. Your responsibility is to STOP perpetuating THIS. You have started, by using language and behavior, you yourself despise to mimic her beahvior!! That, you do not want, as you noticed. Get professional help, and know that you are not the first or the last person to go through this, but don't do this alone. Admit that you can't handle it by yourself. Let Go and Let God! MOST impotatntly, STOP looking for her to give you what she does NOT have, unless, of course, she gets into spiritual recovery, for herself first. It's a horse that has been dead for a very long time! Again, she is a very sick person, emotionally, and you are her daughter who will get get better. "Hurt people hurt people", don't expect love from a hurt person.

Love and hugs, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Mickir58 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mickir58 — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:52:02 -0000

I also grew up with an alcoholic, only mine was my Father, so I totally understand what you're going through. And the best advice I can give you, is whether she wants to go or not, you really need to find a decent Nursing Home to put her in, so she will be cared for. Since your Siblings don't seem to want to do thier part in taking care of her. Not that I blame them, or you, if she is that mean and nasty, I wouldn't want to deal with trying to take care of her either. However, you can't just let her waste away and die in that house. After all, she is still your Mother, and you know as well as I do, if that happened, you would carry that guilt around with you for the rest of your life. Do Not give her that kind of power to do that to you. In a nursing home she will be taken care of by people who are getting Paid to take care of people like her. And who knows she may eventually end up like being in a place where she has interaction with other people in her age group, and situation. And she'll have Dr's that come to her, to make sure she is getting the medical attention she needs. And as long as she is on Medicare, and Medicaid, there will be no expense to you and your siblings except for clothes. The Nursing Home will give her a monthly allotment, usually around $50 for her to spend on things she wants, like candy, pastries, newspaper, and magazine subscriptions. If she's a smoker, you will have to get those for her. Trust me, this is what I did with my Dad, and his last years were much more productive , and enjoyable for him, and all of us. Believe it or not, he even started going to the Church services they offered there, and got himself Right with the Lord, which was a blessing for me, because now I feel sure he is in Heaven with my Mother. Just make sure you go visit her as often as possible, and if she starts cussing, and badgering you, let her know you will not tolerate it, and walk out. Hopefully after a few times of you walking out on her, she'll stop doing it. If not, let her know that you do not, and will not take her abuse any longer, and all your trying to do is take care of her the only way you know how. Do yourself a favor, you deserve it. I'll keep you in my Prayers. Good Luck

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by elaine5728144 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

elaine5728144 — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 14:47:32 -0000

HELLO EDIE,

HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF A 3RD AND 4TH STEP. AND THEN YOU ASK YOURSELF IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE IT? IF SO TRY TO CHANGE IT, IF NOT LET IT GO. IT IS REALLY SIMPLE WHEN PUT THAT WAY. REMEMBER YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOU.

GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I, ELAINE

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:42:11 -0000

It sounds like you have major denial about your mother.

You keep trying to "change" her and she's quite elderly - and has been a nasty, conflict seeking person her entire life. You stated she refused help from everyone, including medical care. What would be accomplished if you took her into your house? She would be abusive towards you and refuse help.

Don't let her push a guilt trip on you. What about that selfish brother who wants all her money? Why not use that money for her to live in a board and care home for seniors. I'm sure she is eligible for Medicare and they will pay 100% for her to live in a seniors home. Sounds like she needs round the clock medical care - but refuses it and is not suitable for independent living. She's dirty, and slovenly with her house - so she can't live alone. She belongs in a long term care facility. She's got psychiatric problems.

Don't get sucked into helping her.

You said she doesn't WANT help from anyone - so why do you keep on letting her manipulate you?

she has no friends, no interests, no hobbies. Just because she is your mother, you don't "owe" her anything. If she lost custody of you at 14 that speaks for itself.

I'm curious why you continued to keep in touch with her your entire life, even though Child Protective Services took you out of the home and placed you elsewhere. If you were adopted, then stick with those adoptive relatives. Instead of trying to think she will "change" why not accept the fact she will always stay the way she is and continue to be abusive if you have contact with her.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 20:27:58 -0000

Is your mom still living at this point? Alcoholics and Addicts are difficult to deal with. I am so sorry you and your siblings went through all this. My brother and his wife did the same thing to their kids. They are screwed up from it and I'm sure their children will be screwed up. It goes on and on and never seems to stop. I cannot help my brothers now ex-wife and I don't think I can help my brother either. They don't know the truth if it hit them in the teeth. However, you have a compassion for your mom in her old age. She is probably bi-polar to add to the mix.

See a counselor, get some support and then go from there. My heart goes out to you and yours.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by elaine5728144 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

elaine5728144 — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 18:38:42 -0000

HEY EDIE HOW ARE YOU? WELL YOU HAVE RECEIVED SOME GOOD ADVICE. AND IF I WERE YOU I WOULD TAKE WHAT YOU NEED AND LEAVE THE REST. WE ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES THAT HAVE GROWN UP WITH PARENTS ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL. EVERYONE HAS A STORY AND AN OPINION. OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASSHOLES EVERYONE HAS ONE. SO PICK AND CHOOSE WISELY. EDIE I DON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU GOING BACK TO HELP YOUR MOTHER IS A MISTAKE AND IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHT EVERY DAY EDIE. HAVE YOU BEEN GETTING MY EMAILS? ONCE YOU MAKE A DECISION DON'T LOOK BACK. TAKE CARE, ELAINE

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by serenitylynnpcb @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

serenitylynnpcb — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 16:50:45 -0000

As a recovering alcoholic I have treated my family terribly in the past. I have tried to make amends and move on to show my love and care to those in needs. She is hurting and you need to protect yourself emotionally. What has happened in the past is just that, PAST. Go to a al-anon meeting to learn how to handle this situation and take care of yourself. I strongly reccomend al-anon to those who have loved ones trapped in the disease of addiction. You cannot change others, only yourself. Love and light

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by littleangelwings @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

littleangelwings — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 03:31:32 -0000

I too was raised with an alcoholic mother. She was actually drunk while giving birth to me. She became an alcoholic after my sister was born (and died 3 hours later). She was born 4 years before me. Anyway, Growing up with her,I thought I hated her. I couldn't stand being in the same room with her. In 1986,I was married to a man and had our 1st child,a son, whom died 6 weeks later of crib death. That was 5 months after they buried my grandmother. In 1988 my mother past away because of all her drinking. I realized the week before her death,that I loved this woman and I told her this while she was in a coma(which she was the whole 6 weeks she was in the hospital). I still to this day, think she heard me. I told her that I forgave her and that I hoped she could forgive me. The next day I went to see her, it was the scariest thing I ever saw and if there had been an alcoholic there to see her, they would have given up drinking. I won't go into details.I walked to her side and told her that it was time for her to let go and that we would be ok. As I walked out the door she died. I just thought I would share my story.I think everything happens for a reason. My mother being an alcoholic,my son dying,my grandmother,everything is for a reason and I think it has made me a stronger and more careing person and I hope ithas done the same for you.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by elaine5728144 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

elaine5728144 — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:23:17 -0000

I SAID AA IS A SELFISH PROGRAM, YOU HAVE TO WORK ON YOUR SOBRIETY FOR YOURSELF, NOT FOR YOUR PARENTS, FAMILY SIBLINGS OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. YOU ARE DOING THIS FOR YOU AND IF YOU HAVE BEEN IN AA YOU TAKE STEPS EACH DAY FOR THAT IS ALL WE HAVE IS TODAY. WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN YOUR PAST, OR FUTURE IS NOT IMPORTANT AND YOU NEED TO SHOW YOUR FAMILY BY YOUR ACTIONS THAT YOU ARE GETTING BETTER.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by empathystinks @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

empathystinks — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 14:37:55 -0000

Forgot to say this is to Orien2
I doubt you will get this but I'm going to give it a try. First of all, I, personally, did not see anything saying you were having a problem with your grandmother. Thank goodness someone made the comment of not knowing what a pred was and now reading your response I understand now why I felt anger from your response to my post. I don't believe anything is hopeless. It takes alot of effort but you CAN walk away from your grandmother. This is NOT an "elder worship" group. It's about people listening and offering suggestions to help. I really don't have that kind of anger towards my mother. I spent many months going to therapy and working through issues. In AA there is a prayer,"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Only you have the power to change your situation.

When I had first read your post to my situation, I was stunned at how much anger came through the message. I had decided to not respond to the anger but instead pray for you. I decided that if there was something God wanted me to say He would let me know. And what do you know, you said what is really bothering you. I do not know everything, I do not have a magic wand to make your life better but I know what helped me and that was going to therapy and talking, talking, talking. When I first began therapy I didn't have a job but in my state I was able to get help very cheap or for no charge. Then when I went to work I had health insurance. Check for free or based on what you can pay mental health help through your state and county. Another thing I know is God does not make junk and He wants us to be happy. You do not have to live like this. I will continue to pray for you. I will pray that God gives you the strength and courage to seek help, walk away and begin to feel good about yourself. It only takes one step to change your life if you really want to change it.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Orien2 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Orien2 — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 06:57:32 -0000

A pred is a person who preys on people's vulnerabilities and fears to gain control over them. They have little or no regard for the rights or safety of others or their needs or desires and they suck the life out of people as well.

I have this problem with my grandma she has food enough for her and I try to eat the food I fix for myself and she wants a piece of it all the time so I have to smuggle in food or raid the fridge after she goes to sleep finally to get anything. Everytime I try to ignore her I've thrown up because she never lets up so I stay up here to get enough nurishment to survive this at all. So that's why I ignore her for the most part. No one cares what I go through or have gone through for the last four years so I've decided that I give up I'm going to simply try to survive this whole thing get well and leave. I tried to leave several times but it didn't work out so I'm trapped here with someone I never wanted anything to do with to begin with. She was always angry and mean when I was growing up but to other people should have known she would turn on me eventually and that she would get everyone to side with her. I got out of the way so she would pick someone else but everyone else is well insulated I'm not so I become a target for her rage. She can control it when she chooses to.

In my case she doesn't choose to so I choose to simply ignore her entirely. Right no one cares it's ok I know that well enough. It's a mistake for me to need or trust anyone and I'd be better off forgetting about it until it's over entirely since no one is going to do anything about this so I'm on my own dealing with it. Thanks alot and I'll probably be quitting this group pretty soon. I can see I'm better off without it and it is a waste of my time.

I'm not getting any money at all out of this so why should I care? I lost my job because of her stupid behavior and neediness so I decided if I'm not getting paid for anything and no one appreciates it either then why do it? I tried moving on several times and nothing worked out no matter how hard I tried to make it happen it didn't. This isn't working out either so I'm thinking that I'm better off without this whole thing. I'm better off forgetting about this whole place finding my way through this on my own. Without any counselling, help or support of any kind from anyone until it's over. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing add stuff when necessary if things need to be adjusted then I'll just figure it out and survive this without any help or "support" at all. I should have known this was an elder worship group rather than an elder care giver's support group. I'm done wasting my time on a complete joke so I'm just going to get out of here and I'll be deleting all notifications of posts entirely. So do not bother responding to anything else. I'm done with this entirely.

'Extremely uncooperative' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 02:06:33 -0000

What is a "pred?" I've never heard of it before? Also who said AA is selfish? Just trying to follow the many "trains of thought."

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