Wow. That's quite a history there. I'm so sorry, and I wish I could fix it, but some people are just like that.

It's probably best for your own well-being to not deal with her. I think that's what I would do, but oh, the guilt, right? ((hugs))

There's so much in your post. I am so sorry that this relationship with your mom has caused you so much torment. My father was an addict and I just never resolved my relationship with him (try to just take the good and clear out for the bad, don't deal with him at all, try hard to help but really be a mirror for him and say the scary stuff). Nothing felt right, so I really, really love your handle, empathysucks.

Addiction really turns all of our best instincts on their heads.

Please, please make sure you have some things in your life that affirm your best instincts (whether that's church or hiking or reading or whatever). It sounds like this relationship has an unending ability to torment you.

And, what do I know (?!), but I think that sometimes what we say when deeply stressed is also deeply true. I'm glad you're having the courage to live up to your pledge to walk away from your mom for awhile. It sounds like you could really use a break.

I grew up in a home of alchoholic parents. It has taken half of my adult life to realize that I cannot fix someone elses behaviors no matter how hard I try. I hope you are faster learner. :)

First, do not try to rationalize your mother's behavior because she is not behaving rationally.

Rather than yelling or becoming the confrontational person your mother wants you to become, understand that perhaps it is more healthy to accept that when face to face with an irrational person, the best one can do is to be is polite and to remove themselves from the abusive situation temporarily.

Secondly, you need help in order to help your mother. From what you have presented she is likely unable to care for herself and has a proven record of making extremely poor life decisions. It may be time to remove the option of her making her own decisions. She may need a person to take legal responsibility for deciding when she needs to see the doctors, if there is a visiting nurse, if there is live-in help needed, or if she must be moved to some type of care facility.

For these decisions you need to consult competant professionals. Look into social workers who specialize in geriatrics, attorneys who specialize in family law, and of course medical professionals who deal with eldercare. If your mother is quite bad off hospice may be another option.

It is past time to do what is best for your mother since she is not capable or willing to do it for herself. Legal action will be required for someone to become her legal guardian attorney. So, again seek the counsel of competant, licensed professionals in these areas.

Your mother's life appears to have always been messy and nearing the end of it is proving to be no different. Compassion comes in many forms. If you choose, in your relationshop with your mother, it may be in gathering the courage to allow her to express her hatred for you while you are doing the right thing.

Understand there may never be any thanks either from your mother or aother family members. The reward will be intrinsic in knowing you have taken the high road in doing for you mother what must be done when it needs done. Remember, she is not able to think or behave rationally so you cannot expect a rational response. A lifetime of alcohol abuse has altered her brain chemically and even if she sobers up she may never process information "normally".

Good luck. Raising alcoholic parents is never easy.

you have my sympathy.that stated,there is nothing you can do for this woman.she was your mother by birth only.her job was to get you here.pray you never get like her.if it were me,i would gather all of the pictures you have of her,sit down with a few good white candles and say goodbye.cry all you like,then forget her.be a good mom to your children and do your best in other areas. i had to do this for my son who was a druggie and mean,nasty,hateful and so on.i havent spoken to him in 10 years-god willing,i wont see him again.it's bad because he is also a womanizer and has serveral children by several women accross the country.i will never by their grandma.i wish that were different,but in order to have a relationship with them,i would have to have a relationship with him.not gonna happen.i cant save everyone,only myself.good luck

Perhaps you should take a copy of your letter to the city attonerys office and get your mother court ordered to treatment,you may need statements from your brothers as well,tell them how much and how often she drinks,how it's affecting her health.Does she have money to pay for treatment?it sounds like it's time for legal intervention.

Wow...well if nothing else it must be nice to know others care - yet at the same time caring doesn't accomplish too much for you in your personal struggles. I, too, am about to give up on the "meaningful" relationship I once had with my mother, who raised five kids alone after losing my dad to cancer when they were both 31 years old. In any event, she finally remarried once all of us kids were safely in our careers, happily married (in her mind!) and set for life. She married an alcoholic (not known to her when they married) who has gotten more bitter and more ugly and just more awful every time I see him. It has gotten to the point that my husband will not go visit them, which is huge because he is big on family, and HUGE golfer and lake lover -- they live on a golf course AND a lake. So you know the drill about things never changing and the continual broken promises. Her husband went thru treatment at 80 years old (!) which I give him props for, but I soon realized he only did it because she asked him to. He drank the day he got out and continues to do so to this day. She made all the threats but did not follow through. That is the point I am trying to make -- if things are going to change and if lives are going to be saved, you must stick with your own plan. I have finally made peace with the fact that I will never have what I once had with her, but I also know I cannot really do a damn thing to shake her up enough to make lasting changes. She wanted to move out, she looked at retirement communities, she spoke of the day that would happen - again and again. You have to let go. All I can do at this point is listen but not to things she won't attempt to change. I hope for the best for you, for my mother, for all of us.

Check into Rule 25 for treatment costs-stay strong.

It doesn't have to be just alcohol....It can be anything but the person that has the problem,first,has to want to be helped.....Nothing can be done until they accept and want to be helped. I say put her in a Nursing Home and devote your life to your own family or some day one of your own children might wind up feeling the same way you do (God forbid) She doesn't appear to want help. Nobody wants her,you have tried your best....Move on...Life is too short. (she must have had a pretty bad childhood herself.)

Searonia

I had to do the same thing with my son.............the hardest thing I've ever done and still working at it. I completely disassociated myself from him because he was so verbally abusive to me and won't work at 20 years old. My mom passed away 27 years ago. She was mentally ill all of my life. The one thing i can say about growing up with an alcoholic mother in reference to the story is its very sad but, I think everyone is right in saying you have to let go and wash your hands as difficult as that may be. I wish peace for you in your life. I am on a never ending search for peace and joy myself. As the old saying goes "Don't Let The Turkeys get You Down" If in my search i regain a relationship with my son, all the better. Be a realist!

Thanks to each person who responded. Recently I found out that my mother could go into assisted living .... then it dawned on me that if I did that and got rid of her house and she was booted out of assisted living whoa I'd end up with her. So no I'm not even going to go down that road. My aunts have tried talking to her about it and she tells them to frick off. She was so pissed that she went to her lawyer and told her I was trying to lock her up and I guess her lawyer told her I couldn't do anything. Obviously this is something my mother made up because I know I could go to court and have her legally declared incompetent. I do not have the energy to go down that road either. My brother tells me she sits on her couch all day talking to herself and going over and over and over her checkbook. My mother has a lady friend who lives down the street who seems to have a great deal of influence over my mother. And who thinks I'm a b**ch because I was thinking of putting my mother in assisted living. Oh well.

I would like to share this with everyone. My mothers mortgage is with National City Mortgage and her house insurance was through GMAC/Home Site. My mother called me last week to tell me she didn't have any house insurance and I couldn't understand her so I contacted National City Mortgage and they called GMAC Home Site for us to have a conference call. I was told my mothers house insurance was cancelled due to it being late. Her house insurance payment is included in her house payment which means the mortgage company is to send out the premium. My mother said she had received a big check last year didn't know why and took it to National City Bank to deposit it into her account. I do her mail and I never saw a notice that her insurance was cancelled so she hasn't had any for a year. National City Mortgage tells me that because she did not have insurance for a year they would be charging her a higher premium for the year she did not have insurance. So while I'm on the phone with these people my mother's friend takes her to the bank where the bank proceeds to take a very large amount of money out of my mothers checking account to cover the full year premium of the lapsed policy and for the new insurance my mother got! I strongly feel that my mother should not have to pay the consequences for what the mortgage company failed to do. I believe the mortgage company has been late before because my mother received a letter from the insurance company saying it had been late 3 times! How can mortgage companies get away with this kind of crap? I feel this is an injustice to my mother and possible other people but I've no clue as to how to change it.

I don't go over there as often anymore. Thanks for listening. :)

Please do NOT give up on her. You will regret this for the rest of your life. I found my mother dead when I was 15 years old from alcoholizem. She told me that she didn't have much time left, but I was 15 and didn't want to hear her tell me crap like that when she was drunk...She would be so different when drunk and so great when sober. I walked in to find her dead, my mom....at 43 years old... I was 15 and still needed her. So, after that, I have been on my own. But not one day goes by that I dont think "if I just would've came home the night before like I was supposed too," "If I would've just taken her to the doctor", If I just would've been here when she needed me, even though I was so young.. I still think about them things. My mom would give me money for my pot, I didn't drink much at all when I was young because she did adn I hated her for it. I still get mad at her cause she LEFT ME, She abandond me when I was only 15 years old...

Listen, you have a chance with her... your mom is sick with a disease, not a addiction as much as a disease, she needs help and I know you have the strength to get it for her, I know even thought you have had a bad life with her, problems with her getting along, I promise you that if you help her get help, YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER KNOWING YOU DID ALL YOU COULD!!!! Your bother don't sound like hes doing all he can to do whats best for her....be her rock for a while, and I promise you will live the rest of your life fullfilled knowing that you did it! Do what I couldn't do for my mom... please? I have lived so many years without her, I needed her at so many times in my life, and had nobody. i have 2 sisters, but still, I had nobody to help me or hold me up. I am still in counseling 1 time a week, I have been in for 10 years, and still haven't got to the death part of my mom. I lived in terrror with an abusive step dad, he put guns to my head and to my moms head, axs to our necks... all that, so please, help her.

I know it will be hard, Its not going to be easy...please do this for me. my e-mail is brandysheaven72@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk!

God bless you! Brandy

FIRST OF ALL I WD SUGGESTED TO YOU TO PRAY AND WAIT ON THE LORD TO GUIDE YOUR HEART AND TELL U WHAT TO DO BECAUSE HE ALONE HAS THE WISDOM TO GUIDE YOUR HEART IF YOUAREA CHRISTIAN , YOUMUST HAVE FAITH THAT HE CAN HEAL YOUR MOM OR TELL YOU WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR HER I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL I BEEN THROUGH 2 AA MARRIAGES WHO PUT ME AND MY KIDS THRU PURE HELL AND I CHOOSE TO REMOVE MYSELFFROM THIS PAIN AND IM STILL PRAYING ABOUT IT AND WAITING ON THE LORD TO DEAL WITH THESE SISTUATIONS , I JUST PUT IT IN HIS HANDS AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEMS FOR ME I KNOW THEBIBLE COMMANDS US TO HONOR OUR PARENTS AND WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO DO BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN TO OBEY GOD AND RECEIVE HIS MANY BLESSING MY PRAYERS ARE FOR YOU DONT GIVE UP REMEBER THE LORD DIDINT GIVE UP ON YOU ,HE IS IN CONTROL TAKE CARE OF YOURSELFAND YOURFAMILY REMEBER YOUAND YOUR FAMILY ARE IN MY PRAYERS HAVE A BLESSED DAY

YOU WD NEED TO TALK TO A LAWYER IN REFERENCE TO THIS MESS BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE THEYARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER BECAUSE SHE IS AN ELEDERLY IM SURE THE PRESIDENT WD BE UPSET IF HEKNOW WHAT THE BANK AND INSURANCE ARE DOING DIRTY BUSINESS U NEED TO TAKE SOME ACTION AND GET SOMETHING DONE BUT FOREMOST PRAY AND ASK GOD TO HELP YOU WITH THE SISTUATION ANDWAIT ON HIM TO RESPOND HAVE A BLESSED DAY TAKE CARE