Extremely uncooperative

Wow. That's quite a history there. I'm so sorry, and I wish I could fix it, but some people are just like that.

It's probably best for your own well-being to not deal with her. I think that's what I would do, but oh, the guilt, right? ((hugs))

There's so much in your post. I am so sorry that this relationship with your mom has caused you so much torment. My father was an addict and I just never resolved my relationship with him (try to just take the good and clear out for the bad, don't deal with him at all, try hard to help but really be a mirror for him and say the scary stuff). Nothing felt right, so I really, really love your handle, empathysucks.

Addiction really turns all of our best instincts on their heads.

Please, please make sure you have some things in your life that affirm your best instincts (whether that's church or hiking or reading or whatever). It sounds like this relationship has an unending ability to torment you.

And, what do I know (?!), but I think that sometimes what we say when deeply stressed is also deeply true. I'm glad you're having the courage to live up to your pledge to walk away from your mom for awhile. It sounds like you could really use a break.

I grew up in a home of alchoholic parents. It has taken half of my adult life to realize that I cannot fix someone elses behaviors no matter how hard I try. I hope you are faster learner. :)

First, do not try to rationalize your mother's behavior because she is not behaving rationally.

Rather than yelling or becoming the confrontational person your mother wants you to become, understand that perhaps it is more healthy to accept that when face to face with an irrational person, the best one can do is to be is polite and to remove themselves from the abusive situation temporarily.

Secondly, you need help in order to help your mother. From what you have presented she is likely unable to care for herself and has a proven record of making extremely poor life decisions. It may be time to remove the option of her making her own decisions. She may need a person to take legal responsibility for deciding when she needs to see the doctors, if there is a visiting nurse, if there is live-in help needed, or if she must be moved to some type of care facility.

For these decisions you need to consult competant professionals. Look into social workers who specialize in geriatrics, attorneys who specialize in family law, and of course medical professionals who deal with eldercare. If your mother is quite bad off hospice may be another option.

It is past time to do what is best for your mother since she is not capable or willing to do it for herself. Legal action will be required for someone to become her legal guardian attorney. So, again seek the counsel of competant, licensed professionals in these areas.

Your mother's life appears to have always been messy and nearing the end of it is proving to be no different. Compassion comes in many forms. If you choose, in your relationshop with your mother, it may be in gathering the courage to allow her to express her hatred for you while you are doing the right thing.

Understand there may never be any thanks either from your mother or aother family members. The reward will be intrinsic in knowing you have taken the high road in doing for you mother what must be done when it needs done. Remember, she is not able to think or behave rationally so you cannot expect a rational response. A lifetime of alcohol abuse has altered her brain chemically and even if she sobers up she may never process information "normally".

Good luck. Raising alcoholic parents is never easy.

you have my sympathy.that stated,there is nothing you can do for this woman.she was your mother by birth only.her job was to get you here.pray you never get like her.if it were me,i would gather all of the pictures you have of her,sit down with a few good white candles and say goodbye.cry all you like,then forget her.be a good mom to your children and do your best in other areas. i had to do this for my son who was a druggie and mean,nasty,hateful and so on.i havent spoken to him in 10 years-god willing,i wont see him again.it's bad because he is also a womanizer and has serveral children by several women accross the country.i will never by their grandma.i wish that were different,but in order to have a relationship with them,i would have to have a relationship with him.not gonna happen.i cant save everyone,only myself.good luck

Perhaps you should take a copy of your letter to the city attonerys office and get your mother court ordered to treatment,you may need statements from your brothers as well,tell them how much and how often she drinks,how it's affecting her health.Does she have money to pay for treatment?it sounds like it's time for legal intervention.

Wow...well if nothing else it must be nice to know others care - yet at the same time caring doesn't accomplish too much for you in your personal struggles. I, too, am about to give up on the "meaningful" relationship I once had with my mother, who raised five kids alone after losing my dad to cancer when they were both 31 years old. In any event, she finally remarried once all of us kids were safely in our careers, happily married (in her mind!) and set for life. She married an alcoholic (not known to her when they married) who has gotten more bitter and more ugly and just more awful every time I see him. It has gotten to the point that my husband will not go visit them, which is huge because he is big on family, and HUGE golfer and lake lover -- they live on a golf course AND a lake. So you know the drill about things never changing and the continual broken promises. Her husband went thru treatment at 80 years old (!) which I give him props for, but I soon realized he only did it because she asked him to. He drank the day he got out and continues to do so to this day. She made all the threats but did not follow through. That is the point I am trying to make -- if things are going to change and if lives are going to be saved, you must stick with your own plan. I have finally made peace with the fact that I will never have what I once had with her, but I also know I cannot really do a damn thing to shake her up enough to make lasting changes. She wanted to move out, she looked at retirement communities, she spoke of the day that would happen - again and again. You have to let go. All I can do at this point is listen but not to things she won't attempt to change. I hope for the best for you, for my mother, for all of us.

Check into Rule 25 for treatment costs-stay strong.

It doesn't have to be just alcohol....It can be anything but the person that has the problem,first,has to want to be helped.....Nothing can be done until they accept and want to be helped. I say put her in a Nursing Home and devote your life to your own family or some day one of your own children might wind up feeling the same way you do (God forbid) She doesn't appear to want help. Nobody wants her,you have tried your best....Move on...Life is too short. (she must have had a pretty bad childhood herself.)

Searonia

I had to do the same thing with my son.............the hardest thing I've ever done and still working at it. I completely disassociated myself from him because he was so verbally abusive to me and won't work at 20 years old. My mom passed away 27 years ago. She was mentally ill all of my life. The one thing i can say about growing up with an alcoholic mother in reference to the story is its very sad but, I think everyone is right in saying you have to let go and wash your hands as difficult as that may be. I wish peace for you in your life. I am on a never ending search for peace and joy myself. As the old saying goes "Don't Let The Turkeys get You Down" If in my search i regain a relationship with my son, all the better. Be a realist!

Thanks to each person who responded. Recently I found out that my mother could go into assisted living .... then it dawned on me that if I did that and got rid of her house and she was booted out of assisted living whoa I'd end up with her. So no I'm not even going to go down that road. My aunts have tried talking to her about it and she tells them to frick off. She was so pissed that she went to her lawyer and told her I was trying to lock her up and I guess her lawyer told her I couldn't do anything. Obviously this is something my mother made up because I know I could go to court and have her legally declared incompetent. I do not have the energy to go down that road either. My brother tells me she sits on her couch all day talking to herself and going over and over and over her checkbook. My mother has a lady friend who lives down the street who seems to have a great deal of influence over my mother. And who thinks I'm a b**ch because I was thinking of putting my mother in assisted living. Oh well.

I would like to share this with everyone. My mothers mortgage is with National City Mortgage and her house insurance was through GMAC/Home Site. My mother called me last week to tell me she didn't have any house insurance and I couldn't understand her so I contacted National City Mortgage and they called GMAC Home Site for us to have a conference call. I was told my mothers house insurance was cancelled due to it being late. Her house insurance payment is included in her house payment which means the mortgage company is to send out the premium. My mother said she had received a big check last year didn't know why and took it to National City Bank to deposit it into her account. I do her mail and I never saw a notice that her insurance was cancelled so she hasn't had any for a year. National City Mortgage tells me that because she did not have insurance for a year they would be charging her a higher premium for the year she did not have insurance. So while I'm on the phone with these people my mother's friend takes her to the bank where the bank proceeds to take a very large amount of money out of my mothers checking account to cover the full year premium of the lapsed policy and for the new insurance my mother got! I strongly feel that my mother should not have to pay the consequences for what the mortgage company failed to do. I believe the mortgage company has been late before because my mother received a letter from the insurance company saying it had been late 3 times! How can mortgage companies get away with this kind of crap? I feel this is an injustice to my mother and possible other people but I've no clue as to how to change it.

I don't go over there as often anymore. Thanks for listening. :)

Please do NOT give up on her. You will regret this for the rest of your life. I found my mother dead when I was 15 years old from alcoholizem. She told me that she didn't have much time left, but I was 15 and didn't want to hear her tell me crap like that when she was drunk...She would be so different when drunk and so great when sober. I walked in to find her dead, my mom....at 43 years old... I was 15 and still needed her. So, after that, I have been on my own. But not one day goes by that I dont think "if I just would've came home the night before like I was supposed too," "If I would've just taken her to the doctor", If I just would've been here when she needed me, even though I was so young.. I still think about them things. My mom would give me money for my pot, I didn't drink much at all when I was young because she did adn I hated her for it. I still get mad at her cause she LEFT ME, She abandond me when I was only 15 years old...

Listen, you have a chance with her... your mom is sick with a disease, not a addiction as much as a disease, she needs help and I know you have the strength to get it for her, I know even thought you have had a bad life with her, problems with her getting along, I promise you that if you help her get help, YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER KNOWING YOU DID ALL YOU COULD!!!! Your bother don't sound like hes doing all he can to do whats best for her....be her rock for a while, and I promise you will live the rest of your life fullfilled knowing that you did it! Do what I couldn't do for my mom... please? I have lived so many years without her, I needed her at so many times in my life, and had nobody. i have 2 sisters, but still, I had nobody to help me or hold me up. I am still in counseling 1 time a week, I have been in for 10 years, and still haven't got to the death part of my mom. I lived in terrror with an abusive step dad, he put guns to my head and to my moms head, axs to our necks... all that, so please, help her.

I know it will be hard, Its not going to be easy...please do this for me. my e-mail is brandysheaven72@yahoo.com if you ever want to talk!

God bless you! Brandy

FIRST OF ALL I WD SUGGESTED TO YOU TO PRAY AND WAIT ON THE LORD TO GUIDE YOUR HEART AND TELL U WHAT TO DO BECAUSE HE ALONE HAS THE WISDOM TO GUIDE YOUR HEART IF YOUAREA CHRISTIAN , YOUMUST HAVE FAITH THAT HE CAN HEAL YOUR MOM OR TELL YOU WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR HER I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL I BEEN THROUGH 2 AA MARRIAGES WHO PUT ME AND MY KIDS THRU PURE HELL AND I CHOOSE TO REMOVE MYSELFFROM THIS PAIN AND IM STILL PRAYING ABOUT IT AND WAITING ON THE LORD TO DEAL WITH THESE SISTUATIONS , I JUST PUT IT IN HIS HANDS AND LET HIM TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEMS FOR ME I KNOW THEBIBLE COMMANDS US TO HONOR OUR PARENTS AND WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO DO BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN TO OBEY GOD AND RECEIVE HIS MANY BLESSING MY PRAYERS ARE FOR YOU DONT GIVE UP REMEBER THE LORD DIDINT GIVE UP ON YOU ,HE IS IN CONTROL TAKE CARE OF YOURSELFAND YOURFAMILY REMEBER YOUAND YOUR FAMILY ARE IN MY PRAYERS HAVE A BLESSED DAY

YOU WD NEED TO TALK TO A LAWYER IN REFERENCE TO THIS MESS BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE THEYARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HER BECAUSE SHE IS AN ELEDERLY IM SURE THE PRESIDENT WD BE UPSET IF HEKNOW WHAT THE BANK AND INSURANCE ARE DOING DIRTY BUSINESS U NEED TO TAKE SOME ACTION AND GET SOMETHING DONE BUT FOREMOST PRAY AND ASK GOD TO HELP YOU WITH THE SISTUATION ANDWAIT ON HIM TO RESPOND HAVE A BLESSED DAY TAKE CARE

My Dad was like that. Abusive, alcoholic. My sibling and I were his "kids" only when he wanted to impress a new love interest, or be the "good dad" in front of his friends, etc. etc. Aside from that charade, I was eleven years old and allowed to run wild around the neighborhood as I pleased, any time I pleased. He offered me alcohol when I was 12 years old, and argued with me about my refusal to drink it because I knew what it was. My brother was six and he cussed him out because my brother didn't know how to do his math homework. My father hated my mother for leaving him, and would try to turn my brother and I against her. The final straw happened the night before my freshman finals. He got SO drunk, he flipped out. He was pissed about his delusion that I brought a CD from his house over to my mother's house (she had left him a long time before this, but we had visitation every other weekend). He ripped through everything I owned, and cussed me out at 3 in the morning. After he saw he had awoken me out of a dead sleep and I was crying my eyes out, he poured a few bottles out and promised never to do it again, and hugged and comforted me. I had decided then and there that this indeed, would be THE last time. I had read stories. I knew this wasn't the last time if I continued to see him on the weekends. This would be the beginning to a darker chapter, and with his behavior, I knew that physical abuse wasn't that far away. So at thirteen, I ended up walking in my pajamas, one mile to the nearest gas station to call my mother to pick me up. The point is, he was belligerant, swore a lot, and extremely selfish. After that night, I wrote him a letter, explaining why I wasn't coming back, and left it up to him - either he quits drinking, or live without my brother and I in his life. I went on to write that if he ever did want us back in his life, I'd be glad to have my father in my life, and to please give me a call. He kept calling, and I would refuse to respond. I knew that it was too soon. So, he quit calling. I hoped he had taken it as, "I'm not kidding, get help." But, the phone never rang. Years passed, and my mother kept the old house phone number on just for that reason; he was clean and finally decided to call his children. But, the phone never rang. I'm 23 now, and had absolutely no reason to have him in my life. I had bumped into my half sister, (very manipulative, and doesn't like me at all) and she had said he had almost died the prior year. The reason? Alcohol. BUt he's clean now, supposedly. So, I got his cell number, and gave him a call. I had decided that if he wasn't going to do it himself, I would. I was not going to let him die and not have that one very last, final chance. His response? "Where the (bleep) are my CDs?" I was appalled. He hadn't had contact with me, his daughter in ten years, and he's STILL harping on about some delusion he had when he was drunk? I couldn't believe it. I got him off the subject, and we spoke a while. I heard about his life, and spoke little of mine. He still hates my mother, when, she raised his daughter alone, and I'm a very good person now. I work, go to college, and volunteer. He took no part in it, because he was too busy hitting the bottle. He still wants to play his games, in that, he doesn't want my mother knowing I'm speaking to him, when she was the one who told me to call him and initiate contact with him. We were supposed to meet for lunch. He had said he'd call me back in two days to finalize the plans,m depending on if he had money (he's out of work), and my phone hasn't rang. I think, it's probably a game. He's trying to show me how I made him feel. Take me to his level. So, I've decided I'll call him back, sure. I'll give him that last chance to know me. If he blows it, that's on him, and I'll be at peace knowing I did give him that final opportunity. The point is, an alcoholic is an alcoholic. No matter how much you may try to reach out, it will never work, unless that person is willing to reach back to you, and meet you 75% of the way. Otherwise, it won't work. Because you're doing all the giving and assistance, and they're just picking and choosing what to take. That's not a fair relationship to you, or the other person. It sounds to me like you're a very compassionate, caring person. And I'm sure you've been hurt time and time again by your mother's actions. But, you still love her no matter what, and therefore, want to help her, and prevent her from being taken advantage of by your brothers. The best thing to do in your situation, is not to take her into your home just yet, but to contact an interventionalist. All the people who love her, anyone who may want something to do with her, friends, children, relatives, doctors, anyone you can think of that wants to see her out of the woods, gather them up and let them write her letters. Let her know what you will and will not stand for. Then, give her an opportunity to get help. (Probably, rehab, or AA, or something of that nature) If she takes it, you know she's serious about getting the help. If she refuses it, then, you have to accept it. Hold on to the good, forgive the bad, but don't forget. Just because you're old enough to be able to not have your mother in your life doesn't mean you don't want her in your life. An addict is an addict. You can never change them, but you can only offer them the tools and support they need to get better. It's not that you can't get along with her, but it's the addiction that's tearing you and her apart. I will say a prayer for you and hope all goes well for you and her. But whatever you do, let your instinct and heart tell you what's right. It will never lead you wrong. Good luck!

hello my name is elaine, i am a recovering alchoholic. the sad part of your circumstances is that some people just can't stop ddrinking. any bottom that they hit is not low enough. what was her life like growing up? most alchoholics have very low esteem. i don't know what is up with your mom. she has choices and so do you. if it upsets you to be around her and she is not changed then you need to stay away. health wise it sounds like the booze is taking it's toll. none of this your fault, these are consequences of her own actions. please let me know what's happening. you are in my prayers.

elaine

Elaine, thank you for responding. My name is Edie, and I am a recovering alcoholic. My mother began drinking when she was 14. She stopped about 10 years ago BUT she never went to AA, therapy or anything. Basically she is a dry drunk with loads of stinking thinking! Her childhood was not pleasant or easy. Her father was an alcoholic. Her health is bad. Recently I was researching assisted living near me so I could have her closer (I live an hour away from her) I spoke with her oldest sister who agreed that it is time for my mother to be in assisted living. She said she would try to convince my mother. Well all hell broke out. I admit I have a short fuse when it comes to her and one day I was over there helping her do her bills and I needed to have her neighbor come over to find out some info and we were sitting at the kitchen table. I don't remember now what was said but it pissed me off and I threw the pencil. I apologized and thought it was over with. Wrong. A bit of background info needed here. My youngest brother is living with her, he feels that ANY money she has in the bank when she dies is his because she OWES it to him for the lousy childhood he had. He said he would live with her and I would keep track of her bills etc. A couple of weeks ago I found out that my mother went to her lawyer and told her I was trying to lock her up. Of course she doesn't really understand what assisted living is and of course her lawyer told her I couldn't do anything. So then my brother calls me and asked me where the hell I've been and blah blah blah and he ended up telling me he couldn't have me coming around there throwing pencils and putting someones eye out because he said I was too emotional and always yelling at mother. Please you should hear how he talks to her. Anyway, I realized the other day that that was his way of keeping me at bay so that Mom doesn't go into assisted living because then all her money would be gone and he wouldn't get anything! How sad. I just wanted her to be safe, taken care of and be around people her age (86) She won't talk to me.

I know you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. She's done things her way far to long to change now. Thanks again for responding.

HELLO EDIE I HAD JUST WRITTEN THIS WHOLE STORY OF MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS ERASED SO I MUST BE BRIEF. GOD ANSWERS ALL OUR PRAYERS BUT SOMETIMES THE ANSWER IS NO. SHE IS OLD AND ONE DAY SHE WILL NO LONGER BE HERE AT THAT POINT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN THE SAME POSITION AS I WAS AFTER MY MOM PASSED, MY BROTHER WAS A GREEDY MOTHER @#$%&@. HE CONTESTED THE WILL AND LOST, NOW HE NO LONGER HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SISTER ME. NO PROBLEM. I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN NJ I NOW LIVE WITH MY TWO BOYS, 19 & 27(BLIND)IN NC. WE HAVE A CUTE HOUSE AND I AM FINE. IF SHE HAS A WILL SHE NEEDS TO HAVE AN EXECUTOR WHO I BELIEVE SHOULD BE A LAWYER. AND WHAT SHE DOES WITH HER BELONGINGS AND MONEY IS HER CHOICE NOT YOUR BROTHERS, HE SOUNDS LIKE A WEASEL. WHEN THIS IS ALL SAID AND DONE DO ANOTHER FOURTH STEP AND GET THE SHIT OFF YOUR PLATE. GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I. ELAINE

Poor Edie! Talk about being between a rock and a hard spot! I think that it's about time for you to do the best you can for your mother and back away. The first thing you need to do is contact social services and advise them that your brother is neglecting her well being for his financial reasons. Explain that she is not well and not getting medical care. Make it clear that she is abusive to you and that you are NOT WILLING to assume responsibility for her, and that she would not allow it... but that you don't want her abused or neglected. Put it in writing and walk away. Your brother is going to get all that she has unless the state sells the house to provide for her care. There is nothing else you can do and this will eat your heart out if you let it. Do the only things you can do for her and get on with your life. She is never going to be June Cleaver or Donna Reed.

Call the local commission on aging and schedule a conference for advice. They can take over some of your problems for you, such as assigning a home health care worker to dig out her house and bathe her, take her to doctor appointments and arrange her medications in her daily doses. She can get a monthly government commodity box so she doesn't have to shop for basics like cheese, milk, beef and canned goods, and she can get meals on wheels delivered to her daily. They can sign her up for a clinic for her medical care, and remember that whatever money she has is hers to use for her own needs now that she is old and sick, not any of the kids'. Make sure to make a list of all her possessions and bank accounts and any insurance policies, and photograph them and give that list to a lawyer to hold until she dies. Lock the doors immediately after she dies and get yourself appointed executor of her estate so nobody can steal from her estate. All 7 kids can take turns selecting from the list of her things and then what nobody wants can be sold at auction to raise money. Her funeral should be paid out from the $300 social security money available to bury her and all kids should chip in a couple of hundred dollars to plant her and put up a stone with her name and dates on it next to her husband. She and always has been mentally ill and is eligible for mental health services. This does not mean she has to leave her house. She has the right to remain there regardless of her condition. Hire someone to check on her daily or check on her yourself briefly just to see what she needs or wants and how she is. Spread the costs between all the siblings. She can also get a summertime fresh food distribution from farmers markets worth about $50. Take her to senior events like xmas parties and give her a birthday party. Because she fussed over the white meat, bring an extra fully cooked turkey breast on the side so everybody can have some and she can't kick because you brought it. She just wanted to have some turkey breast for herself. No, she is not a good mother, because she is a drunk and selfish. She had too many children to handle herself, and was without a husband also. With 7 kids, she had virtually no chance at all to snag another husband, so give her a bit of a break on that count. She probably survived by seeing a lot of men, and hated herself for it, and that made her even more mentally ill. You all at least know how you do not want to run your lives or treat your children. You need anger management and counseling about dealing with your mother and dealing with impossible people in general. You also need personal counseling for your own life plans and development, because you did not have personal attention growing up and need to expand your personality from reactionary to stressful situations to dealing with life on your own terms instead of in reaction to a button pusher like your mother, who is and always has been out of control. I had to distance myself also, and know how painful it is to have to deal with someone who is just never going to give anyone else an even break or treat anyone decently. They live in a hell you don't want to go to or experience yourself. Your clue is that whenever you threaten abandonment, she shapes up; it is her greatest fear. But an alcoholic personality is always unstable and violent and unpredictable. No real relationship is possible due to it. Just realize that someday none of you will have her around to deal with anymore, and it sounds as if she is pretty near the end. Make sure she gets the best possible medical care right now, so she can get as comfortable as possible and live as long and healthy a life as possible. Make sure she eats right and has someone making meals for her so she eats three meals a day. Spreading the cost among seven people makes it easy for all of you. If somebody doesn't pay their share, take it out of their share of inheritance when you sell the house. Keep excellent records of everything each child pays for their mother's keep. Keep receipts with the records. Keep the records in the lawyer's office. Keep copies for yourself, and send copies to all siblings when your mother dies and her estate needs to be distributed. Put her estate through probate if she owns the house free and clear and has any money socked away or any valuable possessions. The fees are state mandated and very small for the orderly transition of the proceeds of sale and distribution of the estate. An accounting will be made by the attorney and distributed to all heirs, so people can't really fight about it or be dissatisfied. Be fair to all, take nothing extra for yourself, and be glad you were more merciful to your mother than you needed to be, and fairer to your siblings than they deserved. Your reward is self-respect and the respect of your siblings for at least taking care of the situation. Everyone should be bringing her little gifts she can use while she is still on this planet, whether she deserves them or not. She had a very hard life with seven kids and a dead husband, no matter how much she misbehaved, so just respect that she had a very hard time of things and didn't handle it well at all. Just do better for yourself and your own family. And know that there's a big hug out there and lots of sympathy for you for your situation. Stay close to God, talk to God every day and ask for direct help and intervention and advice and wisdom to do the right thing. Wait for the answers. They will come. I died once when I was ten and visited briefly. What we call God is a bright white light made up entirely of energy, and apparently we persist in pure energy form after we leave our molecular bodies, for I did. I was meet by friendly relatives and it looked just like earth, only no buildings, just grass, trees and blue sky and a yellow path leading to the bright white sunlike light that we call God. All you have to do for advice or help is meditate on problems and seek answers, and you will get an idea of what to do next. It is not fancy or complicated; it is simple. I suspect this is not supernatural or anything, just a natural scientific fact that we are unable to perceive at present. It may be proven shortly as we develop more sophisticate instruments for perceiving energy fields and activity. We apparently continue to exist with our own personality. I suddenly went back into my body, where I was being worked on for double pneumonia, in an oxygen tent in a hospital, having been revived by an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth to bring me back. I hope you try to get your advice directly, and pray for your mother's sanity and happiness and especially her health. Reassure her that you will not allow anyone to remove her from her home, and put that promise in writing and give it to her, signed by you and dated. You can have her make you her personal representative or somebody else whom she trusts not to double cross her, and you can then help her to get the medical treatment she needs without having to leave her home except for appointments. This is a trust issue, and you need to be completely trustworthy to the end and beyond. I will pray for you and your mother and your siblings. May God's benevolent energy reach out to envelope all of you and bring you all peace and a happy resolution of all your problems with her and each other. Be kind to one another and to your mother. She has suffered more than you will ever know.

It is funny how people make the choice to have children, and then treat them so poorly. I am truly sorry that anyone has to deal with these kind of things. My only advice is to remember that you cannot control her, and no matter what, you have to be the bigger person in the situation. It is really hard to do that sometimes, especially when you are being cussed at and yelled at, but you have to try really hard. Another thing to remember is to not let yourself feel guilty about not taking her in. She did this to herself, not you. Why should you have to bear that responsibility? She obviously wouldnt for you. Keep your head up and just know that they greater good is looking out for you.

HELLO EDIE HOW IS IT GOING? I HAVE READ THE LAST 2 REPLIES WHAT DO YOU THINK? AS FAR AS THE MONEY FROM SOC. SEC. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THAT ONLY HER HUSBAND. IF SHE HAS MONEY SHE NEEDS TO PUT IT INTO AN ACCT. FOR HERSELF AND UPON HER DEATH IT IS FROZEN. SPEAK TO HER ATTY, AND LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR WHAT'S BEST FOR HER. SHE BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND IT WAS HER RESPONSIBILTY TO RAISE YOU AS BEST SHE COULD. IFFFFFFFFF SHE DOES NOT WANT ANY OF THIS OH WELL LET GO. REMEMBER IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE IT? THEN LET IT GO. IT'S EASIER SAID THEN DONE. YOU HAVE A FAMILY TO WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF I ASSUME. LET THE REST OF THE KIDS TAKE OVER FOR A WHILE. ALL OF THEM NEED TO HELP YOU OUT. LET ME KNOW HOW YOU MAKE OUT ELAINE

Alcoholism has played a major role in my life. I don't have time to tell you all the horror stories. All I can say to help you is to not give up on your mother-no matter what anyone says. As long as she is alive-there is hope. You mention your christian beliefs - have you talked to her about heaven and hell? My brother died a saved man after a lifetime of alcoholism-no one thought it would ever happen this man made the whole family's lives miserable for 30 years. But he obeyed the gospel and was baptized and was faithful for a year before he died. So, I would do as someone else on here said -take the high road and try to help her and lead her to Christ. I think that's what the Lord would want of you.

HELLO EDIE HOW'S IT GOING? PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOUR ARE. CALL A FAMILY MEETING AND IF ANYONE IS NOT NEAR YOU TO ATTEND HAVE A CONFERANCE CALL. SHE IS THEIR MOTHER TOO. WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THE SHIT AND THEY DO NOTHING. WAIT TILL SHE PASSES YOUR SIBLINGS WILL COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK. SORRY THIS IS MY SUGGESTION. LOVE E

Dear Empathy,

An hour's drive away is NOT ENOUGH DISTANCE between you and your TOXIC MOTHER... and that is EXACTLY what she is - TOXIC.

IF she EVER changes, (and at 86, I doubt she can,) it will NOT be because someone HELPED HER to.

PLEASE, PLEASE. PLEASE do the HEALTHY thing, and focus on your OWN children and grandchildren. Focus on your OWN growth and the well-being of yourself and your husband. Put your focus on the future, where it belongs.

Your family is, unfortunately, NOT unique. But YOU ARE. Do not let your potential for happiness and good get sucked into the emotionally CONFUSING, and negatively charged vortex of YOUR CHILDHOOD. That is in the past, which is EXACTLY where it should remain.

Each of us is born into a "Family of Origin," but MANY of us spend the rest of our lives looking for the parents we "COULD have/SHOULD have" had. It is not too late for you to find the mother-relationship you have always needed (but were denied) in your childhood. You clearly still long for a mother... Find her in church, a senior center near your home, or volunteering for Meals on Wheels. She might even live right next door to you... But someone out there longs for a daughter like YOU - as much as you long for a mother like HER. So look for and find the mother you long for.

But trust me, you will NOT find her where you are currently looking. The woman who bore you was NEVER a MOTHER - not to ANYONE... Not even to herself. So sad... yet true.

Above all, DO NOT open the door of the sanctuary you call HOME to someone who will defile it - as she has defiled herself, defiled ALL of her children in the past, and now is ONCE AGAIN, attempting to drag into her sick life ANYONE from whom she can elicit pity (or guilt) or even resentment. ALL she wants is ATTENTION - just as you once longed for attention from her. She doesn't care what form it takes - even NEGATIVE ATTENTION is better to her than none.

DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT! Walk away, DO NOT look back... just Rise Above.

With Empathy,

Galowa

©suzannemcable.2010

DEAR EDIE,

PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING, YOU HAVE ASKED FOR ADVICE AND YOU ARE GETTING IT.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERANCE. AMEN

GOD LOVES YOU AND SO DO I, ELAINE