Dad Living In Squalor Refusing ALL Help

Hi there,

I 100% support your decision to get a visiting social worker out to your dad's house. Though if he's kept his chldren out, I'm wondering if he'll allow someone else in. Do you think he's hoarding? I found some information about helping someone who is here. Hopefully you'll find that helpful.

I think you have ONE workable alternative - THE UNANNOUNCED VISIT FOLLOWED BY THE 911 CALL.

It requires that you call the police department in your father's town and 1) tell THEM you are going to check on your dad in the next day or two. 2) Tell THEM that you are afraid to be going, but you are worried for your father. 3) Then tell them there is the POSSIBILITY that you may need to call 911 for support. (Believe me, they will understand EXACTLY what you are saying - and doing.)

Plan to go on a weekday, at a time when there will not be too many people about. This will enable him to be forthright with you (a nice way of putting it...) and eliminate witnesses other than yourself.

Take him a nice casserole, dessert or other food you recall him liking in the past. (Put it in a dish or container you don't care about losing.)

If you have children, it is ok to take them with you, but LEAVE THEM IN THE CAR WHEN YOU GO TO THE DOOR. Park within sight of his front door, but make sure the windows are all up and the children are not able to hear your conversation. Also, you will need someone on call to pick up the children. If you do not have children, ask a sibling WHOM YOU TRUST to go with you, (but NOT one he particularly likes...)

MAKE SURE you bring a cell phone. If you don't have one, borrow one or buy a disposable one.

WHEN YOU ARRIVE, GO TO THE FRONT DOOR (facing the street,) ask how he is doing and ask how his girlfriend is. Then present the casserole and ask to be invited into the house. This may set him off. If it does, express your concern. Ask about the cat. From everything you've said, you will not be welcomed. HOWEVER, it is ok to AGGRAVATE HIM! (from what you have said it should be easy) Allow him to escalate verbally. You should be able to predict his response - explosive.

THEN... CALL 911. Being on a cell phone you'll need to 1) give the address and your name. 2) Tell them you need HELP RIGHT AWAY - IT IS AN EMERGENCY. 3) Tell them you are worried that your elderly father may be a danger to himself or others, including yourself and his girlfriend... 4) Tell them you have children with you (if you do...) 5) Tell them that no one has set foot in the house for X years and that you are there to check on him and he has threatened you. 6) Tell them that through the door you smelled what might be a dead animal. 7) Tell them to HURRY.

This will lead to the arrival of a police squad car with two officers who will attempt to enter the house. They will insist. If they are not allowed in they will force the door. EMT WILL BE CALLED to take him to the hospital for a geriatric psych examination. If he does let the officers in and the house is as you describe, they will do the same. If the house is immaculate and you swear that he threatened you they will still take him in. Either way, he will get the medical work-up and psych examination he so desperately needs.

Last word of advice - don't tell anyone of your plan other than the person you choose to accompany you. If you cannot trust your sibling(s), tell no one and do this alone.

I was given these directions to protect myself from my mother when she was psychotic from unmedicated Alzheimer's. Fortunately, I never had to use it. BUT, these directions were given me by my mother's neurologist, her social worker, her attorney, AND the local police department... This was in New York State. ALSO, last but not least, EVERYONE who recommended this course of action said that the police were accustomed to arriving and finding the elder surprisingly cool, calm, and collected. But the police are NOT fooled. They rely on the 911 caller as witness.

Good luck!

©suzannemcable2009

Yep, I was gonna say call the police dept in his town and ask them to do a "check the welfare" call. You can explain the situation and that you are concerned for his safety and the safety and well being of his girlfriend, that you believe he isn't stable enough any longer to make decisions that protect his safety and well-being. You can place this call from your own home. The police have the authority to enter if they have probable cause to believe he is endangered, even if that is by bad decisions. I'd call them and ask for help.

Dear 2nd,

"bikerchick" may be right, BUT if your father's lived there a long time he may even know the police...

The only SURE WAY to make this happen is to stand at the door and call 911 after HE THREATENS YOU, or you personally "PERCEIVE A THREAT." (Please note the subtlety of language, as the 911 operator may ask you directly whether he is threatening you. No need to lie, simply state what you PERCEIVE personally. "I PERSONALLY PERCEIVE A REAL THREAT FROM MY FATHER AND AM AFRAID FOR MYSELF AND POSSIBLY HIS LIVE-IN FEMALE COMPANION AS WELL.")

Nobody can ignore a 911 call, and evidence of the call and its followup can't be made to go away...

Try it, you'll be doing the right thing. You'll be helping him and/or putting your own mind at rest. I almost had to do it, and frankly, would have done so with no qualms whatsoever. "Missy," above, mentioned hoarding, but at 86 he has a 50/50 chance of Alzheimer's Disease. That rings true with the combativeness, paranoia, NEED for control, fearfulness, and aggression.

Another possibility you have not mentioned is that something may be wrong with his woman friend, and he may feel that he is protecting her from the outside world... SHE may need help, but unless she can ask for it or someone asks for her, no one will ever know.

Either way, your father definitely sounds like he needs psychiatric help at the very least. (Chances are he knows this and is both angry and afraid. Otherwise he'd open the door, wouldn't he?)

This approach would be both bold and immediate. It would also be an incredible act of courage, love, and kindness...

Good luck...

©suzannemcable2009

Galowa has experience. Nothing like experience and hope you did as she suggested.

The girlfriend is terrified? Has she said this to you? Get her out and into an alternative living situation.

Have you acted on Galowa's suggestion? Very disturbing post.

Thanks GLAOWA and all of you for your input and suggestions. I have contacted no fewer than 15 people within various agencies in his city about this situation -- not including the police. I have decided to try the easy things first since I am disabled and lack reliable transportation. Yesterday, (10/14/09) I sent the police to conduct a welfare check but realize now I was not specific enough and regret not referring back to your posts before placing the call. The police did go by but later phoned to say that the neighbors told them when he was home his vehicle was in the driveway and left a note on the door. After reaching my dad, upon answering, he went into a venomous rage because I sent the police which forced me to hang up.

His girlfriend has always kept her distance fearing animosity - not at all the case because he left my mother for her (30+ years ago). Once I asked my dad the reason for her standoffishness and he said she didn't want to get involved (go figure). She and I have recently begun talking when he is not at home but if he comes in while we are on the line she quickly exclaims "he's coming!" and hangs up. I think she has starting to open up due to exhaustion and frustration with the situation but has no current intentions of leaving. I will wait a few more days and try sending the police department back out.

Dear 2nd,

I have told you what to do and EXACTLY how to do it. I have explained WHY it needs to be done this certain way.

I too, am disabled. 100%... To get a ride - call a friend, ask a neighbor, or call a cab. (Does "Dad's" girlfriend have or know someone you can call? Does SHE drive? )

If you are "really concerned," DO THIS! Nothing else will do the job.

As the saying goes "I can lead you to the water, but I cannot make you drink..." It's up to you.

Best of luck.

©suzannemcable2009

Dear 2nd- You get some help. You have not done what needs to be done so get some legal advice or go to the nearest mental health clinic.

I am beginning to have my doubts about this situation. If it is true that your father is living with a dead cat and you have not done as Galowa suggests then forget it completely because I don't believe you.

Dear 2nd,

As you can see, many people are concerned for you and your situation. We all want to see you get relief from your worry about your father and his GF.

Sometimes, that can lead to our experiencing a certain amount of frustration ON YOUR BEHALF!

WE ARE ALL PULLING FOR YOU, but only YOU can make it happen. I think it is safe to say that everyone in the community at caring.com hopes you PRINT OUT this sheet or two, HIGHLIGHT all the recommendations, and take action as soon as possible.

Paralysis is a common response to fear or internal conflict (as is excuse-making for failure to act.) However, if you didn't want to take action you would not be here.

So

JUST DO IT... AS SOON AS YOU CAN.. And let us know, as we all care.

The previous poster had an EXCELLENT point, maybe you SHOULD go to a local mental health clinic - for advice/ guidance, hands-on support... and counseling. It seems that his GF is NOT the ONLY person your father has abused and terrified over the years...

If you can do this -DO IT FOR YOURSELF. It will go a long way toward healing all KINDS of injuries - those INFLICTED BY as well as those SUFFERED BY - your very very sick father.

Good luck. xoxo

©suzannemcable2009

Dear anonymous posters and others, what I have said here IS the ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I was there in person about three weeks ago and saw the dead flies an inch and a half deep and three inches high sandwiched between the screen and other filth! I am and always have been very proud of the fact that I am an honest person that values integrity. The thought that ANYONE would make up such a horrific story is unfathomable. I know the world is full of evil, wicked people but to accuse me of lying about such a thing is cruel and unkind.

And by the way, I AM in therapy (and have been for many years) because of issues with past abuse and trauma and am acutely aware of my personal shortcomings. Sometimes, just daily coping -- not to mention summoning the courage necessary to send the police in the first place was HUGE for me. I have not given up on wanting to help my dad but it is not easy. I am the ONLY one in the family that has cared enough to even bother calling him regularly or wanting to check on his well being. As far as my siblings and the grandchildren are concerned he is stark raving mad which is a conclusion they drew long before he lapsed into this circumstance. What I didn't say is my sister went by there in February, saw how things were left and kept it to herself. It is only because of my urging that she and I went by there together and afterward when I asked how she could know and do nothing her reply was "I can't immerse myself in these things the way you do.” You don’t know how it felt to hear that.

Coping with his rage and outbursts is only half the battle. As soon as whatever changes occur after he is out of the home I will become the bad guy with other family. I will call police again tomorrow as my fingers are shaking just to type out this message. I will use the remainder of the evening to summon the courage to do so. Thanks so much for your continued support and concern. I'll keep you posted.

Dear 2ndGoRound,

PLEASE reread my posts.

I have NEVER questioned your truthfulness for a second. And that's just the way I am. When I said "get some support from mental health professionals" you'll notice that in addition to "counseling," which you are already getting (and good for you...) I referred SPECIFICALLY to "HANDS-ON SUPPORT" WHICH I MEANT TO BE DIRECTED AT DEALING WITH YOUR FATHER!

I would NEVER QUESTION ANYONE'S VERACITY OR MOTIVES FOR BEING HERE. It's just too painful for someone to be goofing around about being here. So I hope you do not lump us all into a single undifferentiated clump just because one person questioned you. Even that person may just have been having a bad day or a bad "five minutes!" That's what caring.com is all about. Acceptance and mutual support. It'll come from SOMEBODY here...

My father died in an accidental fall down the stairs. When my sister arrived from out-of-town for his funeral, she rushed into the house wanting to see where he'd fallen. I could never have said it myself, but her FIRST words were "serves him right, that's exactly where he kicked our dog down the stairs all those years ago." She was right. It was horrible, but what had gone around had, indeed, come back around. So I understand about trembling hands...

BOTH my parents were like that. I live in California, but grew up in Upstate NY. If I had been able to drive my old Toyota to Hawaii or Guam, I'd probably have gone there. But this was far enough.

You have clearly been victimized by your father's brutal nature. I DO understand. It took COURAGE to call the police, but you did it anyway. For that, you need to give yourself BIG CREDIT. And, you need to see yourself as the ONLY ONE out of all your siblings willing to stand up to this brute - for HIS own good, for his GF's own good, and for YOUR own good.

I hate to be petty, but when parents brutalize and abuse children they are preying on vulnerable, innocent beings. Well, guess who is vulnerable now? And, to top it all off, it really IS "for HIS OWN GOOD!"

HANG IN THERE! I have stuck with you, spent time with you - trying to understand your situation and help you, and will continue to offer what help I can. I hope to ENCOURAGE you and EMPOWER you. That is my aim.

: )

xoxo

©suzannemcable2009

Look at the days that have gone by and still 2nd has not acted on sound advice. Sometimes it might help if people did doubt the truthfulness as the devils advocate approach since nothing else has worked so far.

Maybe your father likes living in squalor and if you can get to his house and see this squalor occasionally then why is it that you use the excuse that you cannot follow through on Galowa's advice because you are handicapped?

I do understand the confusion people go through when confronted with enormous and overwhelming problems and I do understand interiorly the problme in acting for your dad. Don't think me heartless-I send you hugs and prayers and you might act today and see if this advice really does work. It might not and then a new plan can be developed.

try...

Love to you.

If no one else is calling for help including his physician then perhaps it is best to leave him alone. I would suggest a housekeeper but he won't let anyone in the house and some people are authentically that reclusive. We do not know his wishes also troubles me. We only know your recount and while your concerns are valid your dad may be healthy and messy beyond control?

Does the doctor suspect Alzheimers or any other major illnesses? Obvioulsy I am missing something so will sign off on this one.

Went thro tis stuff with my mother. All I could do was to go 800 miles away and strelize her house .3 times a year.(for 20 years) Even tho she didnt want me there nor did she want a clean house . It was bad ! Mice fleas ,. Roaches, Maggots in pots of old food.I washed the walls and the inside of the kitchen coubards counters down with a mop! and used tons of bleach. . Filth on the floors where when she cleared off the table and just threw crums of food on the floor.. Enought to make you gag ! Would wash and bleach her clothes hang them on a line on a coat hanger to dry. Brought my own bedding old blankets matress cover sheets and pillow . Sprayed down the bed with lysol so I could sleep in it. She passed at 82 .Years ago I had called the state of Ala. They said that they had so much of this that they couldnt help.So if it is someone close to you you do whatever you can . And leave the rest to God . For sure you're not going to change anyone . They plain old don't care , and you're just upsetting yourself by worring about it .If people want to live in filth so be it ! Thats what it means that God gives a free will ! These people net work with people. My Mother had people feeling sorry for her ! And she worked it . They would give her hugs, money feeling sorry for the poor little old woman . One lady would bring her a cake and gifts on her birthday ever year . There are takers and givers . For sure they get lots of somethings out of it ! so take a good close look . They are crazy as a fox ! lazy too ! While you and I are working our buns they are kicking back laughing ! More than once my Mother would see someone working and she would say look at that fool and burst out laughing .