My 94 year old mother was diagnosed with kidney failure about 16 months ago. At the time she was given only a few more weeks to live. I went to stay with her in her apartment to care for her. I'm married and live about 10 minutes away. My husband and mother don't get along so I did not move her in to my house. Well, here it is so many months later and I'm still with her. She is very weak now and stays in bed all day. I have help with 3 different aides. I get home overnight 3 nights a week, and usually 4-6 hours each on 2 evenings and 2 days a week. My husband is getting very upset and wants me to put my mother in a nursing home. I promised my mother some years ago that I would never put her in one. I want to care for my mother and want her to spend her last days in comfort. However, I want to respect my husband's feelings, too. I'm so very torn and am getting extremely depressed trying to decide what I should do. Has anyone else had such a dilemma? Any suggestions would be VERY helpful!
It seems to me you're going above and beyond the call of duty. I'd say to increase the time the health care aids (and/or other family members?) are with your mother so you can spend more time at home with your husband. Since your mother didn't get along with your husband, it shows me that she didn't respect your feelings and has maybe a control issue thing going on there and your need to be there so much is out of fear and obligation. Try visualizing a different scenario: Imagine you are the 94 year old with this illness and it's causing your daughter to spend so much time away from her family and causing them turmoil and stress. You wouldn't want that, right? My 86 year old mother always put her husband before her mother, so when I am feeling guilt pangs of not spending enough time with her, I remind myself of that. (She now has dementia and is in Assisted Living, and was very controlling and domineering) Do what you can for your mother but your immediate family should come first, (not to mention your own health and mental state!).
What a tough situation. I'm so sorry you feel so torn, Cari.
Have you considered hiring someone to stay with her 24 hours a day and you playing back-up to that person? That would still keep your mom where she is and comfortable. It would free up some of your time and show your husband that you care about how he's feeling. I'm sure you'd still want to be over there with her a good amount of time, but that may help a bit.
The other thing to keep in mind is this...and it's a hard one. No matter what kind of promise you've made to your mom, sometimes a loved one's care exceeds our ability to be cared for at home. That's nothing to feel guilty about, it's just a fact. And I know it's hard and probably not something you want to consider. But you may want to give it some thought. Where on the spectrum do you fall between mom being able to live independently and mom need round-the-clock nursing care and assistance?
*hugs* Please keep us updated. I'll be thinking about you. You're such a wonderful daughter for being so dedicated to overseeing your mom's care.
Thank you, doforanimals and Missy for your responses. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to answer. I'm having trouble with my computer.
There are no other family members to help. I'm an only child, have no children, and other relatives have family problems or live too far away. I looked into hiring someone for 24 hr care, but my mother only has a 1 bedroom apartment. I was told by a few agencies the aide would need to have her own room. Also, I figured if I paid some aides around the clock, it would cost more than a nursing home. Sometimes when I have the aides here my mother will not eat until I get back. One time she was very mad and said I left her all day with nothing to eat. I know she is trying to manipulate me.
My mother is bedridden and needs assistance to get in and out of bed, which is only for bathroom needs. She has been under hospice care for the last year. The nurses are nice, but the social worker hasn't been much help. I worry if mother went to a nursing home, they would just leave her in diapers. That would be so undignified. I hear so many stories about nursing homes. She is much more comfortable at home. Am I just making excuses???
My mother and husband don't get along because they are both quiet and shy. They just never talked much to one another. I kind of blame my husband more--he could have tried to be friendlier. At one point in this illness, my husband said I could bring my mother home to live with us, but then he changed his mind. I guess part of my problem is I'm mad about this.
I know I have to do something. When I talked to my mother last year about a nursing home, she was extremely upset for days. Sometimes I go into another room and cry or get mad. I don't let her see me get upset any more. It doesn't help the situation.
Thanks, so much for listening to me. It makes me feel a lot better just to "talk" to others in caregiving situations. Best of luck with your families. Hugs to both of you.
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