My Dad is 96 and coping pretty well in that he can manage his home care. However, it looks like things may be getting a little more precarious and he wants me to promise that he will never go to a nursing home. I am an only child, age 66 and semi-retired. I don't think that's a promise I can really make since it is difficult to see into the future for appropriate care for him. How can I frame this discussion in a more positive and non-threatening manner? Some of our discussions make me think (and I may be wrong) that because I am single I could just move right down there and take care of him. I have not lived in that city in 40 years, all of my supports which I value greatly are right here with me. I have already made 4 trips there this year. We get along OK but I am really ill-at ease in any discussion about my moving in. I just don't want to do it and it makes me feel really bad. Ideas?
Interesting situation!
Maybe you could schedule a time to talk about it with him and ask him to come prepared with a few thoughts on what might work. Giving him assurance that his wishes are important and absolutely part of the preparation plan will, I'm hopeful, make him feel like he's not being pushed into something he's not comfortable with.
In personal hindsight, that whole "I promise I'll never put you in a LTC facility" is almost impossible in a lot of situations. My aunts promised my grandmother that and towards the end (which lasted a long time) her care truly exceeded what could be provided at home, no matter how much love there was. :-( It led to resentment and anger, which is never productive.
You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to be roomies with your dad. There are so many options out there. I have my fingers crossed that one is agreeable for you both.
Missy: Thanks for the reply. These are very sensible suggestions and I will keep them in mind. Right now, he's doing OK and is proud of his management skills. He and I are so lucky that there is no dementia and meds deal with his various health issues with no complication. However,he does not drive and requires assistance even with a walker due to spinal stenosis. The big complication, of course, is that his primary caregiver is also a very good manager for him and he is very concerned about her health issues. Right now, as far as I know, she is concerned about a lump on her breast. Again, I don't know if she has had a mammogram and biopsy. She is a legal immigrant with green card but no health insurance for this procedure. You are right, I don't see Dad and I as "roomies."
Hi Goodkid,
My mom says something similar - she doesn't want to go into one when the time comes that that might be needed. My grandmother (her mother) was the same way. (She jokes to just shoot her if it comes to that.) It's a difficult thing - I'm not sure what I'll do when it comes to that time. I guess it will have to be based on the situation. I do think talking with him about it rationally, using some "what if?" scenarios that you write down might help solidify the issues for you both and serve as a guideline when the time comes.
Best to you!
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