alternative living arrangements

Interesting situation!

Maybe you could schedule a time to talk about it with him and ask him to come prepared with a few thoughts on what might work. Giving him assurance that his wishes are important and absolutely part of the preparation plan will, I'm hopeful, make him feel like he's not being pushed into something he's not comfortable with.

In personal hindsight, that whole "I promise I'll never put you in a LTC facility" is almost impossible in a lot of situations. My aunts promised my grandmother that and towards the end (which lasted a long time) her care truly exceeded what could be provided at home, no matter how much love there was. :-( It led to resentment and anger, which is never productive.

You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to be roomies with your dad. There are so many options out there. I have my fingers crossed that one is agreeable for you both.

Missy: Thanks for the reply. These are very sensible suggestions and I will keep them in mind. Right now, he's doing OK and is proud of his management skills. He and I are so lucky that there is no dementia and meds deal with his various health issues with no complication. However,he does not drive and requires assistance even with a walker due to spinal stenosis. The big complication, of course, is that his primary caregiver is also a very good manager for him and he is very concerned about her health issues. Right now, as far as I know, she is concerned about a lump on her breast. Again, I don't know if she has had a mammogram and biopsy. She is a legal immigrant with green card but no health insurance for this procedure. You are right, I don't see Dad and I as "roomies."

Hi Goodkid,

My mom says something similar - she doesn't want to go into one when the time comes that that might be needed. My grandmother (her mother) was the same way. (She jokes to just shoot her if it comes to that.) It's a difficult thing - I'm not sure what I'll do when it comes to that time. I guess it will have to be based on the situation. I do think talking with him about it rationally, using some "what if?" scenarios that you write down might help solidify the issues for you both and serve as a guideline when the time comes.

Best to you!

I have been in a similar situation. My mother-in-law, who is 94, and still lives alone (with help from my sister-in-law)has said she never wants to go to a nursing home. We are reasonably able to agree to this because she does not have dementia, and has enough money set aside, is quite frugal, that we could likely pay for needed care at home. There is a chance it might be necessary to go to a nursing home, but less likely. My father on the other hand, who is 85, has Lewy Body Dementia, previous psychiatric issues, and is on the verge of needing 24 hour care. My siblings and I have repeatedly reassured him over the past few years that we are trying to manage his affairs the best we can to prevent the need for a nursing home. However, now it is clear that assisted living is the best option both in terms of the type of assistance, and financially, and will need to happen in the next few months. I really dread telling him. It's not a nursing home, it's a wonderful facility, and I think once he adjusts there will be many things about it that he enjoys, but he doesn't understand all that. I don't want to live with him for multiple reasons. On the other hand, I'd go live with my mother-in-law to take care of her without any hesitation. Respecting our own limitations and needs is part of caregiving, too, but it sure is tough to find the right balance. I guess my advice would be to remind him that none of us can predict or control our aging or dying processes, and that you can commit to doing everything possible to keep him out of a nursing home, unless that is really the best place for him to be to receive the care he needs.