Today we buried my husband. Expected but somehow unexpected. And now I feel so alone.

Hello Sharon, I am sorry for your loss. Please tell your family of your being so lonely. They can help you just by their understanding. Give yourself time to go through the steps of grieving and then after not to long a period of time, give yourself a good talking to and remember he would want you to go on living. Remember what you enjoyed doing before you were married; do you still enjoy that. Get envolved in church, family. Anything that you can stand, then sort out what you really want to do of those things. I know all this sounds so simple...believe me it won't be and much of the time you will need to force yourself to do it. But eventually it will become a way of living. Also don't allow yourself to be depressed to long. Your doctor can help with that. You need all the help you can get to get on with the life you have. Good Luck and I will pray for you.

SharonAnn,

I'm so sorry. My immediate advice to you would be to rest and take care of yourself. If that means being around people you love, do that. If it means being alone for a bit, do that.

Please please keep reading and posting. We're here for you.

Missy

Oh, SharonAnn,

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like such a hard fought battle, done with bravery, on both your parts.

I'm thinking so very much of you today. Look up, let the sun shine on you, and know -- his body his gone; his spirit is so very much around you and will be forever and ever.

I am SO sorry for your loss :( I love what Laura said about his spirit being very much around you forever and ever.

My heart is just breaking for you. Cancer sucks!

Lisa

SharonAnn,

I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my husband a month ago to pancreatic cancer and I understand where you are coming form with how you are feeling at this time as I still feel the same way. Someone said it best, right now we are in grief "Intensive Care". What Missy said is so true about this time. It is very difficult right now but there are people out there that know how you feel and will be here for you.

Dear Sharon: I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband over 15 years ago from a massive heart attack. He was mowing the lawn, I told him I was going to walk the dog and when I came out, he was face down on the grass; I turned him over and knew he was dead. I can only tell you to turn to God. It doesn't have to be a formal prayer; just a heart to heart conversaton. He will never give you a burden without giving you the strength to handle it. If you have family, talk to them. If they offer help, do not be ashamed to take it. This is one of the strengths that God is giving you. One of the things that helped, even though some people thought it a little strange, was to go his grave and talk to him, ask him questions, seek his advice. I still talk to him today. It does help. Will keep you in my prayers; please keep me in yours.

You will get no platitudes from me. They are meaningless. I lost my husband to malignant melanoma 4.5 mths ago.

I won't lie to you...grieving the loss of a spouse is a long road. It generally takes 3 to 5 years to get through the grief. For a few...it's a shorter time. Everyone's grief is individual to them.

The best thing to help you through it will be to have a good support system. But let me warn you...you're address book will change. Friends you thought would always be there for you will disappear because your grief will make them uncomfortable. And people who seemed to only be acquaintances will suddenly step to bat and give you the support you never imagined from them. I see it over and over again amongst the widows.

Ignore the comments of people who have never been in your shoes. Many will say things that will hurt even though it will be with good intentions. Seek out those who DO understand...they will help you through it so much and are an excellent form of therapy! Look for local widow groups. Find a group online. I don't know your age, but I get my support through the Young Widows Bulletin Board (ywbb.org). There are other such boards out there as well (ywbb just happens to be one of the most active though).

DRINK LOTS OF WATER! And rest when your body says rest and cry when you need to cry. Take any help that is offered to you because those offers of help will dry up real quick. Know that you NOT alone in this new journey. There are other widows (like me) who are out here will be here to hold your hand. ::hugs::

Hello, SharonAnn ~ Your post really hit home. My husband died Dec. 18 from colon cancer that had metastisized to his abdomen. I fought long and hard for him with medical people who hemmed and hawed around. The poor guy was a real trouper through it all, but he was finally just plain tired of it, and didn't want the kind of life he was having to go through. He had developed ascites (fluid in the abdomen) that had to be drained every so often at the risk of infection. A doctor at the hospital finally told me that ascites is the last stage of cancer. Well, why didn't anyone else ever tell us this?!!! Another doctor finally gave him an MRI and it confirmed that. And it was too late for chemo or anything else. My husband was at peace with his decision, so I took him home to Hospice and immediately started a CaringBridge. I was at his side, holding his hand, when he passed away. Thankfully he had a massive amount of friends and supportive family. I have my "moments", but I've surprised myself with the strength I've had. I want to do nothing but help others who are going through the same thing. My mom died a month after my husband, so I had to watch the same thing happening. I'm still journaling on CaringBridge. People have asked me not to quit, and journaling is very therapeutic for what you're experiencing. If you'd like to look at his CaringBridge, please email me at kathy@myradioplace.com. In the meantime, follow your instincts through all of this. The mind is an amazing thing! Kathy

My husband died last May. It was an easy death for him and therefore for the rest of us, because he didn't want the fuss and bother of tube-feeding and other measures necessary to keep him alive for what would have been a life of low quality. He was happy to leave, and we wanted him to have what he wanted.

I miss him and have many moments of feeling bereft and sad. Perhaps what someone said to me will be helpful. She said: Add the letter "N" to WIDOW and you get WINDOW. You will now find new opportunities and a new window of experiences.

Best wishes to you -- Liz

I feel your loss and send my sympathies to all of you.

It reminds me of when my Father died after illness, leaving my Mother on her own for the very first time in her whole life, after 49 years of marriage. She grieved and did not know what to do with her life. It took a while for her to work through her loss, and her children and friends stayed nearby keeping in touch so she did not feel abandoned.

Eventually one of my brothers suggested she should write down all the little stories that she remembered from her childhood and marriage ... her stories, their stories, anything at all. Not that she should write a book, just that she should get a notebook and write her recollections in any way they came to her.

Doing this kept her in touch with happy times... and in time she regained her equilibrium. Today, 22 years after his death, she still says she never thought she would survive him by so many years - but now she is at peace. And her freinds and children are still with her, enjoying her.

I wish this for you too.

May you be well, may you be happy, May you be at peace.

Hi Sharon, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my husband to colon cancer. He got this on top of diabetes. He fought the cancer almost two years to see my son turn 3 years old. The day after my son's party he told me he was ready to go to the hospital. As if he knew. Part of me wanted to go be with him in heaven and then I looked down at my smiling little boy. God told me it's not your time yet Joan. My husband, as I'm sure yours was the bravest man I have ever known. I remember the numb feeling for the funeral. It hurt too much to feel it all. The days afterward when he would supposed to be coming home from work at 5 pm. and no Ted, well they sucked. Sundays and sometimes even Saturdays were the pits. It has been almost 17 years now. My son will be 20 in May and I find myself now helping my mom care for my dad with alzheimers). I find comfort in caring for both of them as well as being here for my son. I cry alot - but that's ok. I laugh sometimes too. You are in my prayers and I send you a big hug. You will find you are much stronger than you ever imagined.
God bless you and your family. Joan Huxhold m

Thank you all for all your sympathy, comments, and suggestions. They have really been very helpful.

I didn't tell you that we had just arrived in Santiago, Chile (where my husband was born and grew up) to visit his brothers and sisters a day before he suddenly began failing (unexpectedly) and died on Friday, almost exactly 12 hours before the earthquake. He never had a chance to visit most of his family. He died within 48 hours, and the last 36 were not good.

Then, he was lying in repose at a church the night of the earthquake and the church interior was damaged that night. We had to hold the funeral in a small chapel on the side because the rest of the building was not considered to be safe without engineering review. I was so numb, I really didn't care where we held it, just that we held it and that he was honored for the man he has always been to me. It was difficult to make burial arrangements because of the earthquake the night before, but this is where we both decided to be buried. Tomorrow I have a meeting at the American Consulate to start the process of obtaining an American death certificate. It took more than a week for the funeral home to get his American passport back to me so that I could start the process.

My in-laws are helpful, but I just want to get the necessary things done and get home. I am sorry for all the damage the country has sustained, though here in Santiago we're OK and I'm getting used to aftershocks, but I'm focused on my own grief and I just want to go home. Though without him, I don't know how much like home it will feel.

It will feel as much like home as you make it. Much of the healing is up to you. God bless.

SharonAnn

I'm holding you in my prayers.

I'm hoping there may be a grief support group near by. Some folks find that group support helpful, and sometimes wonderful friendships can happen among the folks in a group.

Cindy

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I don't care how expected the death of a loved one can be no one is really prepared for it when it happens. You will need some time alone to yourself to get over it; after that get busy either in your church or in another organization. Your in my prayers.

Grief can just be overwhelming. I wish you all the best in handling those feelings. Get help and support to bring the light to your life.

Now I have been home for 2 1/2 weeks. And the previous poster who said "it will be as much your home as you make it" was very helpful. It took away the fear of coming to the house we shared and loved so much and made it still feel like home, though I'm alone now.

I met with the hospice nurse who examined him the afternoon before we left for Chile and we reviewed what happened after we arrived and how quickly he failed. She assured me that I didn't do anything wrong, that a metastatic cancer will sometimes cause a sudden failure like that, and that there was nothing they could've done for him here except perhaps have a few more options for pain relief. That made me feel better because somehow I thought I had caused it or let him down by not doing the right things for him. Silly, but that's what was in the back of my mind.

Friends and family have been in touch and after the first week, where I stayed pretty much alone and just dealt with some paperwork, I try to do a couple of the necessary estate things each day but give myself plenty of time an don't over schedule myself. But as time goes on, I see my schedule getting a little fuller in the next month and that feels OK. Just being careful that there's not too much in any one day.

I miss him terribly and find myself taking some time each day to cry and cry. Then I feel tired of crying and go find something to do for a little while. I'm still heartbroken, but perhaps I'm managing.

I found several grief/bereavement support groups and will start attending them. Two are in two weeks and the third in three weeks. I'll see how that goes and whether they seem to fit.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, they have meant a great deal to me.

I feel alone without mom an dad. I know what your going thru i try to talk to my family an friends. Its the hardest thing to go thru i hope you do ok.. God bless you. Time will help you im thinking for im still greiving also. I think time will help. Take care. Fr wayne

Hi Sharon, Just wondering how you are getting along? I have not seen any new post concerning the issue. Your in my prayers. LoL to you. "LoL ("Lot of Love"; not LOL "Laugh out Loud").

Sorry about that I should have typed "LoL" (Lots of Love")

Thanks for your note. I'm doing fairly well, though it's been one thing after another since I got back. Car problems with both cars (now finally fixed, failure of our boiler/hot water system, and now carpenter ants in the ceiling. It took 6 weeks to do all the review, research, etc. about the boiler/hot water system and I decided to change to an electric hot water system and a heat pump with electric heat backup. I check the last few years of propane bills for the other system and it had cost more than $3,000 a year for the propane. Sheesh! I can't afford that on my reduced income. The new heat pump was installed Monday and the house is very cool despite the hot weather. So I'm feeling good about that.

Tree-trimmer is coming to cut back some big tree branches that are touching the roof (origin of the carpenter ants infestation) and the exterminator was here yesterday and treated the tree next to the house.

Got help from friends cleaning out the garage and workshop and setting apart all the tools to sell. Also got help from friends getting all the outdoor equipment started. Too many engines, too hard for me to start. And I don't think I need a power washer, riding mower, gas operated weed-whacker, etc. But Vic had not wanted to part with any of these things so I kept them.

Maybe having all these emergencies to deal with has helped me keep busy and focused, but I wish things would slow down a little. I'm participating in three different bereavement groups, each is very different from the other. I'll probably reduce that number at some point, but it feels OK right now.

I try not to think about Vic, because I still cry when I think about him. Even now, as I'm writing this. The heartbreak just seems so fresh, still. I'm wondering if this ever gets better.

Thanks for your "Lots of Love". And here's a hug right back to you, "O".

What I can tell you from my own experience as well as all that I have heard from those further out from me is that the pain will eventually ease up some. It will never go away completely. You will always love and miss him and because of that there will always be a hole in your heart where he used to occupy it. But what happens is that as time goes by, we don't really heal from it so much as learn how to live with it. We don't move on...but we do move forward and that is how we survive this. Even 10 years down the road you will still have a moment or two that will bring back the tears as you remember him. But by then, most of the memories will just bring a smile...albeit a sad smile.

Yesterday was 8 months for me. I'm making progress as I didn't even cry yesterday. I've gotten my total melt-downs reduced to about 3 a month now. I lean on my support system of other young widows on FaceBook when I get really down...they understand. It's really good that you are attending support groups. There is something to be said for sharing misery with each other...it truly does help the spirit get through this. As busy as you seem to be it's good that you have those groups to give you time to do your grief work.

If you ever need someone to just talk to you can find me on FaceBook as Candace Marley (luckily I seem to be the only one with that name on there so I'm easy to find...LOL). Just make sure you mention who you are because I screen those I add to my friends list.

Hang in there kid you will make it. Sound like you have been busy; which is good. I know it still hurts but it will get better. I never will forget I went to a funeral of a friend whose mother had passed. A friend of his was talking with him and said "You will never get over it; but given enough time you will make friends with it." I had never heard it put quite that way; but it made so much sense that I have not forgotten it. You're in my prayers. LoL, iddawg

I lost my wife to leukemia almost 11 months ago and I can fully appreciate what you have gone thru and are still facing. I have found that the best thing you can do is take it one day at a time. I still have days and nights when it seems like I am totally lost and feel so alone. I find myself getting caught up in grief and I do occasionally cry (especially at night)which is nothing to be ashamed of at all. When you love someone so very much and that person was your world, this is going to happen so just hang in there. Although late, please accept my heartfelt hug and prayers for you and may God Bless you.