Great topic, Laura.

When my father-in-law was in his last days, he floated between lucidity and...welll...less-than-lucidity.  He wasn't the touchiest, feeliest person I ever knew.  Sometimes he was kind of gruff and harsh.  Definitely not very warm.  Basically, the polar opposite of my family.  So when he was dying, I felt real insecurity about expressing my love. 

As the day grew near, I started to feel panicked that I was missing a once in a lifetime chance.  So I wrote out a very heartfelt letter.  My mother-in-law received it on Saturday, read it to my father-in-law on Sunday and he passed away on Wednesday night.  She told me how, even though he was in and out of it, he definitely expressed emotion to what I written.  To this day I could cry about that even though it was six years ago. 

In my letter I told him that, after knowing him for more than 10 years, his love was one that I treasured.  I wrote about how much I valued all of the advice he shared with us and appreciated his respect when we decided to do something different.  I talked about how his son (my hubby) reminded me so much of him and how I couldn't wait to tell our children all about him (we were childless at that time). 

In this case it felt so important for me to say these things, though I know if I had to actually speak them to him, I'd fumble.  I don't regret a bit writing them rather than trying to say them. 

Man, I miss him. 

Missy,

I agree with you a hundred percent.  Sometimes it is much easier to "say what you mean" in a letter than verbally.  The message comes across easier than actually saying it to the person,  It just comes out better.  And you are glad you did it.

Thank you, star.  I appreciate that!

Hi All,  I have been so wrapped up with my mom lately.  I have tried to talk to her and tell her how I feel but I don't think that any of it sinks in.  I don't want to be pressured with ALOT of "I wish I'd have told her" things at my last chance to tell her anything. I get so distraught I can't hardly type this without drowning in my tears but Missy I like your idea about writing it down.  That way whenever she is having a moment of clarity she can read it again and again, if she wants too.  Or she can have me read it to her.  Right now her intereptation of things around her are quite off the mark for 95% of the time.   I love her so much, why can't she hear me?   I do know about regretting and greiving about not saying good-bye to my Great Auntie May.  I didn't go see her before she died.  I'm not sure why.  Pain mostly and the fact that I don't deal with death all that well, mostly because what if they go to a different place in Heaven than I do.?  The thought of not seeing my mom ever again even after I die is just horrifying to me. Anyway, I tortured myself waking and sleeping hours when my Aunt died.  Until, I with all my being asked God to let me talk to her, and He did.  It was awesome, He brought her to me in my sleep.  After that I had peace about her death because she told me "It's okay, Cathie, I know.  It's okay."  To get back on subject, What or how do you tell someone when they WON'T hear you.? 

This is a really tough subject to cover.  I unfortunately had to do it twice within 3 months.  First with my mother and then with my father, who had been married 60 years at the time of their passing.

Ever since I was a child (I'm the youngest of five), I knew that it would be me that was there with them during their final hours.  I was never scared or frightened, but when the time came, there was not enough of it left.

Both were in a comatose state, but I did have a confirmation that they heard what I said.

With my mother, it was obvious that she was close to passing.  I had been with her the last 6 hours and had bathed her, kept her cool, and talked to her throughout this time.  However when the time came, I held her in my arms as best I could and told her that she was the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world and it was an honor to be her daughter.  I repeated over and over to her that I loved her and that I would take care of Dad.  When it was apparent that she was fighting, I told her to not be afraid; it was alright to let go and I would someday see her again.  At this time the nurse came in and stated her heartrate had dropped.  Within minutes she was gone.

With my father, the family felt that his heart had been broken from losing my mother.  Again comatose, I held his hand and talked to him.  He never did respond, but as before, I told him it was alright to let go, that we would all be fine, and that he had done such a great job as a dad.  He was my hero.  I then told him mom was waiting for him.  Again, as with my mother, his heartrate dropped and within minutes he was gone.

It's a very personal time.  I truly think they need to know that everything will be alright, and that it's ok that they leave.  It is also the hardest thing to do.  I sometimes think I will never really recover from losing them.

OH, Robin. What beautiful but heartbreaking moments you have shared with us. Thank you, and bless.

Thank you Laural for such a touching subject; very hard, and some times we're not sure if they hear us.  But the most important part to remember is that they do hear us and know what we say on some level.  Writing is as important, but the love is understood, no matter what.  Keep up the good postings and thank you again.

Thank you, Robin. It's good advice you give there.

I usually would call my MOm at around 5:00 pm everyday - I knew she was fed/cleaned up and settled in bed - then she could talk - but on her final day I called at 12:00 pm (I don't know why I just had a feeling) to speak to her - they (ASL) facility) put her on the phone - I cried and told her I LOVED HER SO MUCH - she smiled and the nurses cried - about 20 min.s after that she passed away - I feel blessed that I got to talk to her and tell her exactly how I felt before it was to late. Let your mouth say what your heart feels.... you never know when that person can't hear you any more.

Babs

Oh, Babs, what a wonderful gift. ((hugs))

Babs:  I truly believe that we don't put enough stock into the emotional connection and our gut to trust it when it pushes us.  You acted on it, and therefore was able to talk to your mother once last time.  I agree with LauraL that it is a wonderful gift.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  What a great way to say it - let your mouth say what your heart feels, no matter what.  Great posting ladies.  Thanks for being there.