Can't stop crying posted by Mikieanne @ 11:34 PM November 21, 2009

Mikieanne — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 23:34:00 -0000

Hi Katie- I truly empathize with your feelings about your father and his declining condition. My father passed away on my sister's birthday several years ago. About two weeks before he died, he had made the decision that he no longer wanted blood transfusions to sustain him and we, as a family were ok with that as he had lived to be 86 and he was tired. The day he made his decision, I went to see him at the nursing home he was at and the first words from his mouth after I said "hi" were "I'm going to die." I looked at him and told him. "I know Dad, and it's ok." He got a very troubled look on his face and I asked him what was wrong. He tried to tell me nothing was, but I was persistant. He finally told me that he was concerned because he had always lived by the laws of the catholic church... I knew exactly where he was going with this. He had it in his mind that the Doctor was going to help him out of this world. I assured him that while the doctor would make sure he was comfortable and not in pain, that if he was going to die it would be under his own power and that nobody was going to do it for him. He immediately relaxed and was relieved. We then chose to discuss his funeral. He and my mother had pre-paid and planned for most of their desires like caskets and headstones, but we had never really discussed what they wanted. My words to him were, "This is your last big party Dad, what do you want it to be?" We then discussed the flowers he liked and what he wanted.
We made arrangements through Hospice to take him home to die and I firmly believe that he chose to die in the nursing home as he passed away just after the ambulance pulled up to take him home. I truly believe he did not want my mother to have to live in the house and be reminded every day that he died there. When we were trying to decide what clothes to bury him in, as he and I did not talk about that, we went through several of his good clothes and finally decided that the outfit he loved to wear best was his tux. The whold family agreed and this was truly his last big celebration of his life. When my mother passed away a few years later, we buried her in her evening gown that she wore when they went out. We truly feel they are dancing together in heaven. I don't know if this helps you, but I hope and pray your father knows how much you love him and that you are able to continue to communicate that to him.

Can't stop crying posted by Lou's Lenore @ 07:16 AM November 21, 2009

Lou's Lenore — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:16:24 -0000

Hi Katie, My husband died from bladder cancer after a yearlong fight. Upon learning of his condition our daughter wrote the most beautiful letter to her dad. He read it and loved it so much that as the illness progressed along he would refer to that letter and never hesitated in showing it to family members. He told my daughter to be sure to read it to everyone once God called him home. Which she did at his homegoing services. This letter not only gave him strength but her also. Yes days are hard for her today as she is only 26 and was a daddy's girl. She has this to help her through and you are truly blessed to have your daddy this long. My husband died at 63yrs old we lost him July 25th 2009. We hoped for more time. Enjoy what you have left and find comfort in the time and memories you have. God Bless

Can't stop crying posted by perry123 @ 12:56 PM November 18, 2009

perry123 — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:56:32 -0000

hi katei my name is anne i am 55.i have been looking after my husband terry for 16 months now.my situation is very diffurent to yours.i just had to tell you i will add your dad and your family to my prayer list.terry had a massive brain hemorrhage 6 jan 2008.which has left him severley disabled down his right side.he has got know speech and he is fed with a tube through his stomach.i am realy sorry that you and your family are suffering but remember he is still there and he can here you.so tell how much you love him and how proude you are to be his daughter.i hope this helps you godbless love anne xx

Can't stop crying posted by Journey002 @ 11:33 AM November 17, 2009

Journey002 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:33:04 -0000

Oh, Katie!!! I can feel your pain from here. I wish I could give you a hug and lend you a shoulder to cry on. I lost my mother-in-law a little over a month ago. She passed from complications of Alzheimer's. I had her move in with my husband and I back in February and I ended up being the sole/primary care giver to her. I loved her so much. It was hard watching her, those last months, slowly losing different abilities. I knew death was an impending issue with her, yet, I continued to take care of her. We had talked about her death and what should happen (as far as her possessions went). She also talked about being ready to go. She wanted to rejoin her husband, parents and all those she had lost throughout her life. She was ready to be with God whenever he chose to take her, she told me. I helped her prepare for death as much as I could. Yet, as it turned out, I hadn't prepared myself. Even in those last couple of weeks when I was being told by the hospice nurse that she was truly going, I just couldn't grasp it. Sure, I told her all the right things. I called her family in and they all said their good-byes. I had her pastor come in. She was never alone those last two weeks. She passed peacefully, here in my house, with loved ones around her. Logically, I knew she was passing, yet, emotionally, I wasn't ready. I don't think anyone can truly be ready. Yes, I know she's in a much better place and she's not hurting anymore. Yet, there's a part of me that still wants her with us. I think this is just human nature. We are selfish in that we don't want to let them go, even when they are suffering so much. Your father is suffering, Katie. I don't need to tell you that. I think you telling him how good of a father - a man, he has been will not upset him. You need to tell him how much you love him and how you will miss him. He may have things that he wants to say to you, also. It will be hard, on both of you. Don't be afraid to show him your sorrow. He knows that he is passing and that all of you are going to mourn your loss. So, telling him will only let him know how much you care for him. Losing your father will be so difficult on you. Make sure you have told him all the things you need to while you still can, Katie. It will bring you some comfort later and probably comfort him, as well. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through now and what you will go through afterward, Katie. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you will find the strength and courage to get through the days ahead.

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by KeS @ 01:00 AM November 17, 2009

KeS — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:00:15 -0000

I am actually arranging for a Finality Planning presentation for a support group for senior HIV+'s. They are not permitted to 'donate' their bodies to the medical college because of transmission risk.* (Yeah, I question that, too!) I have found extremely helpful information on this site that will help our group put together specific questions to ask our panel of (4) local funeral home directors - everything from finding financial assistance for help with burial costs to questions about local & state laws.

All members in the group are low-income, on Social Security (either disability or retirement), with no previous arrangements, and no other resources such as family members, burial benefit plans, etc. They have lost 3 members within the past year and are currently very conscious of how close their time may be. Our presentation is tentatively scheduled for January.

The benefit to me, of course, is that I will also learn things that I will need to know in regard to my own finality plans, including transport of my body to a family cemetery out-of-state and avoiding an autopsy. (I had been told that the state of NY requires that every body is autopsied in this state, and also that only if there is a question of cause of death or suggestion of foul play is it required - somewhat contradictory to the starred statement above . . .)

Incidentally - two things as info in general are that we had a funeral home locally that was busted for shipments of drugs in caskets. It was big news! Also, my parents have pre-paid everything or pre-ordered everything, and my brother has all that information and power-of-attorney to access payment accounts. However, I had seen on television awhile back that casket manufacturers often pull a bait-and-switch at the time of the actual need that costs much more than the pre-ordered item. The mfrs.' claim is that 'that model is no longer available.' I keep telling my mom to check on occassion, but she seems to trust the paperwork she has. Time will tell, but I hope there's no surprises.

Is there a service that... posted by angelsbaby @ 09:56 PM November 16, 2009

angelsbaby — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:56:58 -0000

I live in phoenix And i know that estate sales may help i see them all the time . It was a lady who went in and sold the stuff but they may do what you want. Maybe google it in your state,

michelle

what do i do and how do i handle it posted by angelsbaby @ 09:54 PM November 16, 2009

angelsbaby — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:54:11 -0000

How about some different chemo or some trials something at least My husbands dr never gave up hope that some kind of chemo would help but it didn't at the end His was colon cancer and there are many chemo drugs to try with that kind of cancer I would ask the dr . I am sorry that this is happening Please take care michelle

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by angelsbaby @ 09:47 PM November 16, 2009

angelsbaby — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:47:48 -0000

well i will be buried at the veterns cemetary where my husband just went i know that for sure and i have some money saved so my 2 sons won't have to pay for anything so i think i am ok right now. Really my husband and i never really thought we would die soon but you just never know i thought that we would die together because we rode our harley so much and had so many close calls instead my husband got colon cancer and died in 17 months from dx.And during the 17 months we did nothing about the funeral until he passed and then it was up to me, he did not want to talk about that stuff at all. So I do have plans for me .

Rest in Peace Honey dx nov 07 died April 16th 09

what do i do and how do i handle it posted by charokee @ 08:45 PM November 16, 2009

charokee — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:45:00 -0000

i,ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years, but have known him for 25 years. he found out in july that he had liver cancer and was taking chemo medicine.this morning we went to the doctors and found out the medicine isn,t working anymore, so the doctor took him off it and told him to let nature take it,s course. at first, he told him he had 1 year, now he told him the tumor,s are growing and that he only has up to 6 months.iam very upset about this. i don,t know how to deal with it. he is my heart and soul. iam scared and don,t know what to do or think. i,m not working and i,m not sure if i can take care of myself when he dies. he has been taking care of me for the last 6 1/2 years, till he found out he had cancer, now i take care of him as much as i can. what am i supose to do?

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by CA-Claire @ 06:20 PM November 16, 2009

CA-Claire — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 18:20:21 -0000

As far as the next of kin coming in and changing things (giving a paupers funeral), this can happen more easily with money in a bank account. The important thing that people need to be careful of, is to make sure the person handling the end of life affairs is not only honest and reliable, but that they KNOW what your end of life wishes are in detail. As far as pictures of the flowers, some religious organizations do not allow photos to be taken in the chapel or sanctuary itself, so be cognizant of this as well.

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by Flame @ 05:48 PM November 16, 2009

Flame — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:48:28 -0000

I do not recommend pre-paying a funeral home. Several reasons, you might change your mind where you want the services to be. Put it into an account at your bank. We recently did my dad's. All papers were filled out, my mom has a copy, I have a copy and one is in a joint safety deposit box. Dad has Alzheimers and has a 'habbit' of hiding things. So we put his special items in the box. BE CAREFUL of your stated laws. Even upon making the arrangements and paying for everything, upon your death, your desires no longer matter. Your next of kin can come in and cancel your plans and give you a paupers funera!. This happened to a friend in Michigan. So be careful. Another suggestion, is if you or someone else has a digital camera, I took pictures of the flowers sent to a funeral. I printed them on a small photo printer. They enclosed one photo in the thank you card and kept one photo for thier rememberance.

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by Joy Golliver @ 05:02 PM November 16, 2009

Joy Golliver — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:02:37 -0000

Not yet, but I have all of the arrangements made for my husband who is in the end stages of dying. We are doing a brain tissue donation to the Harvard Brain Bank for Lewybody/Alzheimer's. And also a full body donation to IIAM for other organs. They even do the cremation and everything is free. They have an online memorial gallery and an annual ceremony for families in Phoenix. We even have the plans made for a musical memorial! He loves music so we will have a live musician sing songs and we will tell stories in between. When I get through this, I want the same arrangements for me and will put that on paper.

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by CA-Claire @ 04:22 PM November 16, 2009

CA-Claire — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:22:10 -0000

I have yet to prepay for my end of life care, but it is high on my priority list. When my husband passed away suddenly 11 weeks ago, it was a shock all the decisions that I needed to make. I spoke with my Estate planning attorney to find out the average cost of cremation (what both my husband and I wanted), then contacted neptune society. Turns out their cost was about half what my attorney stated as average. They were very easy to deal with, and no sales push at all. I had taken a friend of mine that was emotionally detached to make sure that I would have someone to keep me in line if the sales pitches got out of hand. There was no need to worry with them - they are truly just service oriented - the consumer makes their own decisions without any 'up-selling' at all. Evidently their philosophy is that they never want to be on 60 Minutes for shady sales practices. As soon as I recover from this unexpected expense, I will have mine prepaid and all set up.

Can't stop crying posted by Anonymous @ 04:04 PM November 16, 2009

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:04:06 -0000

Katie, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I agree with the person that said it is ok to cry in front of him because the most important thing is that you are with him during this time. This part of our lives seems to be the worst and you never "get over it" but somehow we get through it. My dad died of cancer 34 years ago and I think of all the time I spent with him in those last days and I wouldn't take anything for them. I never will get over it or move on because my dad was one of the people that helped in shaping who I am and my values. He will always be a part of me. I have never gotten over it but on any given day, something will happen that makes me think of him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family that you will feel the love and strength of all of us who are praying for you and your family. Blessings

Is there a service that... posted by smilingspiders @ 10:18 PM November 12, 2009

smilingspiders — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:18:27 -0000

will go through my parents house and their things after they pass away, categorize it, tell me so I can make decisions about it and then they deal with it?

Can't stop crying posted by Anonymous @ 05:23 PM November 11, 2009

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:23:12 -0000

Within the 15 months, one of my best friends lost both of her parents, her ex-husband, two of his brothers, a former boyfriend and two of her lifelong friends including my husband and brother-in-law. In addition to struggling with my own grief over the passing of my husband and his sister's husband, I have been trying to console and counsel my friend through her grief. We've cried together so many times over the past year, mostly at her initiation. I think that I am coping with our losses better than she is even though my wounds are fresher. How can I help my friend get beyond and better handle her grief? She cries so much these days and I feel deep sorrow for her. What should I say or do to help her heal and move on? Do you think that grief counseling would help her? I have started to reinvent myself and do some things that I delayed earlier in life such as traveling, exercising and going back to school.

Veterans' Days Remembrances posted by LauraL @ 12:26 AM November 11, 2009

LauraL — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:26:34 -0000

Is your loved one a vet, or a vet's widow, or perhaps yourself? Has your father already passed, and fought in a war? We would love to hear their stories, and we invite you to share your stories about these remarkable people here.

Will Someone Care? posted by noma @ 10:16 PM November 10, 2009

noma — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:16:36 -0000

wow Caroline that is so inspiring, 4 sme1 ur age i m 19 bt i hv never gne thru such a thng, u must b very strong. I wi pay 4 ol u guys nd i knw God answers prayers..

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by LindaSD @ 03:57 PM November 09, 2009

LindaSD — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:57:42 -0000

Yes, I took care of everything including funeral prepaid. I was at the lawyer to change my mom's papers after the death of my father. The lawyer said to me that if I were in a car accident and disabled or in a nursing home from injuries, who would take care of my bills, my care and end of life decisions. I thought since I owned nothing, why have all that. He said it would cost a lot of money for a relative (my brother) to go to court and be appointed guardian versus the very small amount it cost to set up the POA, will, etc.

Prior to my father qualifying for Medicaid I helped my mom pay for funeral/burial arrangements. Simple and inexpensive. When my dad died, it was so nice to have that all done and my mom's paid for out of their funds prior to Medicaid. In reviewing my mom's plan recently, I called the funeral home to make sure everything was still good and happened to ask about the cost today versus what she paid for years ago. I was shocked at the increase in cost. Hers was locked in when we bought it, never to change. Then and there I realized that buying the same thing for myself now would make sure it was taken care of and stop inflation on it. Now it's paid for at today's rate and never changes.

All of this being done was so much help in taking care of my parent. I knew if something happened to me I didn't want my brother to have problems.

Have you made arrangements for your own final arrangements? posted by LauraL @ 05:42 AM November 09, 2009

LauraL — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:42:37 -0000

No one wants to think about it, but these questions do and will arise sooner or later. Have you made plans, made your wishes known, set up paperwork?

Not ready to lose my mom to COPD... posted by tcote @ 12:54 AM November 08, 2009

tcote — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:54:58 -0000

What state do you live in Kim?

How do you know it is Alzheimer's or Dementia for sure? posted by sunnyone301 @ 08:48 PM November 02, 2009

sunnyone301 — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:48:29 -0000

I have a feeling that I might be getting Alzheimers. I forget things; can't remember names; forget what I am doing; have to write everything down and yet forget where I put the note. I will be 70 in December and was diagnosed with diabeties 4 months ago - not on any meds for that yet. Otherwise I have good health and work part time to pay the bills. What should I do? I know I should talk to my doctor and I will. Do you think I might have Alzheimers or Dementia?

Not ready to lose my mom to COPD... posted by KimL @ 02:59 AM November 01, 2009

KimL — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:59:19 -0000

You are all so wonderful and because of all of you I feel less alone in my fears and pain.

Thank you debilou for allowing me to see how my mother may feel being the one with COPD. It makes me realize that maybe I need to stop focusing on my pain and fears and help her work through her own.

My mom had a heart attack 2 weeks ago on Oct. 19th which was brought on by extreme stress caused by a family tragedy. This is the first heart attack she has had since her first one in 2002. She is now on more heart pills and we have bottles of Nitro everywhere. She has required nitro everyday for chest pain or arm discommfort. There is no surgery options due to her lungs so she is home and Nitro is all we have to stop another attack.

To help mom, I purchased a transport wheelchair and a walker with a seat and she FINALLY accepted using these tools. I explained to her that now she has more FREEDOM than she has had in the past 9 years. I told her now we can go anywhere and everywhere. She no longer has to walk and be so out of breath that she can't have a quality life. My husband and I took the wheelchair and walker to her house yesterday and she was actually EXCITED about them. I did not tell her I was getting them.

My husband and I told my parents that we want them to live with us when they are READY to live with us.

I think I am finally accepting the way this is going and I just want to spend as much time as I can with her and make her happy.

I need all of you and this site. It really helps me. I hope that I can help all of you as well.

Thank you

New to the site/my mom has copd posted by deb5715 @ 02:37 AM November 01, 2009

deb5715 — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:37:06 -0000

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your dad. I am just beginning my journey with my dad's final state COPD and am having problems finding information on what to expect. God bless you and May your Father rest in peace.

How do you know it is Alzheimer's or Dementia for sure? posted by EMPI @ 01:50 AM October 31, 2009

EMPI — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:50:37 -0000

Have you considered a PET scan? http://www.petfoundations.com/eastmemphis/

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