'How are you FEELING?' posted by lotus @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

lotus — Sun, 24 May 2009 17:38:45 -0000

A Mox. Bless you, you will not regret what you are doing. Yes, your life may be on hold now, but as long as you are healthy you will be just fine. Try to schedule your self little joys that may soothe your soul for your self: for example make it a ritual of getting your hair cut weekly, get a massage, pedicure. Things that are for you and only you. Try to journal as well. No one has to know what you have done for you but you. Try as best you can to take care of you the best you can. Go to a resturante you've been wanting to go to. I will be praying for your strength. If there is a person who truely understands, talk to them also. Rest when you can. Bless you.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by lotus @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

lotus — Sun, 24 May 2009 17:22:59 -0000

Hello, I'm new here and thankful as well. I'm not sure how i'm feeling. My mom just recently passed about 4 1/2 weeks ago, she was 78. Most of the time I feel awful. somedays, I'm not sure how I feel.: I'm sad, lonely, tired and sometimes anxious and extemely overwhelmed. Her condition was COPD. I am the the only child left and was her primary caregiver and power of attorney. I work full time, and was a part time student as well. Its been a long haul. She was under Hospice care when she passed on. which was for only for 11 days. I was not sure what to expect. I was with her when she took her last breath. My body responded similar to hers as she was passing on, so the staff had to attend to both of us that day. Now I feel withdrawn and not wanting to do anything. I have gone back to work and that is all I can manage to get done. I will not be going to school for summer session, thinking I need a break. It was final exam week during her passing, my instructors were great and I did lots of craming and make up work but I did pass my two courses. I'm trying to put my life back together and remember who I was before the three years before I started fully caring for her. I do have a few people close friends who call and check up me as well as family. They are getting annoyed because I won't take them up on dinner and other invitations, and now I feel like I have to justify why i'm not feeling up to it. This week I will contact Hospice for grief counseling to see if that will help. I'm trying to take one day at a time.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:28:55 -0000

I also lost my mom in law the day after Easter this year, she battled brain cancer for 1 1/2 years, only 57 years old. Her passing was tough as well but I think we did most of our grieving the day she was diagnosed. My husband at that time fell apart, when she passed a couple of weeks ago, he was very upset but I think alittled relieved in the fact we and she knew where she was going and she was out of her pain, the cancer we assumed spread all over. It was a sad thing to watch her waste away and not a thing we could do about it. So now my children do not have a grandma to grow up around, that is the part that hurts most. With my mom passing, (in the previous post) was unexpected and my mom inlaw was of course terminal.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:23:52 -0000

That will be very difficult, what has helped me is surrounding myself with family, friends and church along with prayer. That is what has helped me thus far. I have small children also so they help too. My mom lived with us and so everywhere I go in my home, she's there. Whenever any of my 3 little ones see me crying they all know why, they come up and hug me and say, we miss grandma too mom! Even my 2 year old says, "you miss your mommy"? I can't even describe the heartache I feel, most days, some days are better than others. I guess it will get better from what I've been told. Also, everyone handles things differently and I pray for you that you will be comforted when the time comes. I will pray for you and your mom.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by Mackie @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mackie — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:11:57 -0000

Yes, I know what I have to do.....but my fear is what will I do with myself once she is gone and I am left alone...sigh. As you say, trying to get throught the day.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:09:26 -0000

I would say this is a no brainer. You'll never have another mom, I lost mine last August, I'm still trying to get through each day. I miss her so!

'How are you FEELING?' posted by Mackie @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mackie — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:54:46 -0000

Hi, Just wanted to introduce myself. I have been taking care of my mom for years now, we ared pretty much partners in life....lol. Not that either of us would ever admit that out loud. Anyways, she is a multiple stroke victim and now has cancer throughout, with a side-dish of COPD to boot. Anyhow, I was living out in Calgary for awhile while she was here in Toronto area, where my brother and sister live. In January she fell and broke her hip, I flew in within hours and was here for the surgery and such. Went back to Calgary and left my great job to come home as I am her power of attorney for her health and my siblings do not understand that she is wanting to die at home rather then in a home. So here I am. I decided to live about 2 hours away this time, just enough so that I can be there when I am needed but also far enough away that my siblings will finally have to step up to the plate a bit. Recently my mom returned to her apartment and I have set up all kinds of home care assisstance for her. I continually am going to see her and my sister has really stepped up alot. The other night I went down for an overnight visit and my mom asked me to come live with her until she dies. My kids and grown and gone so that isn't a concern. However upon returning from Calgary I did get reinvolved with a gentleman I had a relationship with before leaving and we are currently living together. Now what??? I feel that I need to go back and be with my mom to enable her to die with dignity in the environment she wants, but am I not entitled to my own life? and if so then when will that happen??? I feel guilty, torn and simply overwhelmed. I mean if this is the guy for me then wouldn't he understand and wait for me? and if not then why would I want to try and plan a life with him? My mom is my best friend and I feel that no matter how hard it is, that she deserves to end life the way she wants to.....besides is it not a gift to be able to share this extra time with her? It must have taken alot for her to ask me to come be with her, she is an extremely strong woman and very proud. The doctor has given her less then a year and I see her declining, she is now about 84 lbs and is eating less, sleeping more, losing bladder control and becoming more confused daily.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by teense @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

teense — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 23:45:14 -0000

Tru, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My mom has been pretty much unresponsive for the last couple of days and isn't expected to last much longer, but up to this point, she also constantly wanted to get up to go to the bathroom even though she had a catheter and "privy panties". She also said things that were completely illogical, but according to hospice, this is pretty normal as they labor out of life. They tend to be somewhere in between worlds and you just need to keep reassuring him. I know how frustrating it is and I'm sorry you don't have anyone to help you. I have been very fortunate in that my mom had the money to be in a nursing home and when I put out the call to my family, they came from across the country so that we have been able to take 6-hour shifts so someone is with her all the time. You really need to get hospice help and if there is anyone who can come, don't be too proud to ask for help. Hospice also has information about end of life that can help you realize that much of what he is going through is harder on you to watch than it is on him. That has helped us all tremendously. We just keep reassuring her and take care of whatever her immediate needs are. This is really hard to watch someone decline like this, but what a gift you are giving him by being there for him. It will also teach you that you are capable of so much more than you thought you were. My brother and sister never considered themselves to be caregivers, but they have stepped up to the plate admirably. Hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers and I thank you for your response.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by truimage @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

truimage — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 06:57:27 -0000

Hi Teense

I too I am dealing with a parent that isn't quite able to cognitively understand what's going on with their decline. My dad has always been so independent and self-starting that its like I don't even know who he is anymore.

I'm also thinking of bringing in hospice care because I hear that people usually wait longer than they should to seek out their help. I haven't had a full night's sleep in a week because my dad wakes up and calls for me to help him to the bathroom, even though I've put him in Depends. Or he'll sit up to use the hand urinal and need help lying back down.

On top of that, he's becoming more and more demented by the hour it seems. He just woke me up a 2: 30am screaming about how its not fair, and "they had no justification" for the accusations against the "the people that took all those pictures." I can't even begin to follow the logic anymore. but he gets himself really worked up and can't get back to sleep. I feel so powerless because I can't understand what he's saying and I can't help him. He also wants to wear his glasses all the time now (even when he's asleep) because he says his eyes are playing tricks on him.

I'm so stressed and i'm the only caregiver and I'm still working part time. My friends are so young, and they don't really know how to react or be supportive. I think it just sorta freaks everybody out, which makes me feel really alone. The one friend that I know would understand just lost her dad to cancer a few weeks ago so I feel like being too involved with my dad might be too painful for her.

Sometimes, I feel like he's already gone because he's not really himself anymore. I feel guilty because sometimes I feel like I'm 'waiting" for him to die. I'm just scared to see him decline any further, I can't stand to see him suffer.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by teense @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

teense — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 06:23:31 -0000

Thank you all. Your words have been very helpful. My mom had a stroke 2 years ago that left her with memory and vision deficits so she wound up in a nursing home because my stepdad couldn't take care of her at home and they live too far away from me for them to live with me. Now she has had another stroke that has left her with left-sided paralysis and she has not really eaten or drunk anything for about a week. She is back at the nursing home and I'm here staying with my stepdad and going to see mom every day. I've been dealing with both of them pretty much on my own since her first stroke, since my siblings live out of state. Thankfully, she has always been very clear with me and my siblings that she wants no heroics, including feeding tubes, so we are all on the same page. I've been here with my stepdad alone for the past few days and it has been really tough. My nephew is coming tonight and my brother will be here in a few days so someone can be with her most of the time. I just don't really know what to expect. After reading about hospice, I think I will insist we get hospice support ASAP, especially since my 81 year-old stepdad will be alone after having my mom for 35 years and they can be of help to him too.

Right now, I'm so sad, but also somewhat relieved. My mom is an artist, smart, active and loved to travel ... all things she has not been able to be for the last two years and now she can't even get to the toilet! I have to keep telling her over and over that she had another stroke and that's why she can't get up and move around. She always feels like she has to go to the bathroom and even though she has a Foley cath in right now, she still cries for help to get up to go to the toilet. So I have to keep explaining to her why. She calms down for a few minutes, but starts right up again. They are giving her Ativan, but only twice a day. I guess my definition of comfort care is different from her doctor's. Hopefully hospice will help.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:05:27 -0000

Oh, Kathi, I'm so sorry. I fully understand your torn feelings between wanting it over and not being able to imagine life without him - it sounds just like I felt when my father was dying. I send you best wishes and thoughts that all will be over as easily for you both as possible, and remember - as long as you remember him, he is always alive for you.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by Kaya @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Kaya — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:40:50 -0000

Hi -

I am new here but not new to the pain. My almost 88 year old Dad has been suffering from COPD for over 6 years now - in the last 4 months he has really started to go down - in the last 3 weeks things have gotten much worse. He can barely get from chair to bed. Hospice has been part of his daily life for about a month now. My 78 year old Mom is his primary care take and it is hard for her. My 2 sisters and I get down there as often as we can with meals helping out offering relief etc.. It is soooo hard to watch my Dad - I love him so much - once a few years back at Thanksgiving my brother-in-law, who every year would pose a question to the table, asked my Mom & Dad which of their children was most like them - my Dad said ME - which is so true. He told my Mom a few weeks back when talking about his passing "But who will take care of my children?" While we are all grown and marrried we will always be our Dad's little girl's. Mom and my sisters went to the funeral home yesterday to talk details - I feel as if I am in a bubble - there is part of me that so wants this to be over, as it is so hard to see him suffer, yet there is a part of me that can't imagine my life without him. I am somewhat numb scared that at some point the sorrrow and tears will flood me - I have creid w/ my mom - cried w/ my husband. You can't ever prepare. I feel like my world is on hold.

Kathi

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 20:38:20 -0000

Hi Lisa, and welcome to Caring groups.

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. It sounds like there is a lot of anger over the situation all around for all three of you. I know your time is short and your sleep time even shorter, but would it be possible for you to see a therapist to help you and your husband work through your feelings here? Anger is a normal emotion but if it's eating at you and making things even harder, perhaps it can help.

I'm sure there are others here who have been in your position and will have some more suggestions, and I encourage you to come talk to us as often as you need.

Take care,

Laura

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LISAM @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LISAM — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 08:02:44 -0000

Hi my name is Lisa and I have been the primary caregiver for my mother in law since me and my husband got married 19 yrs ago, We moved her in with us from Indiana because she had COPD. Since that time she has gotten worse and is on oxgyen and pretty much bedridden. We have hospice coming in 3 days a week and stays about an hour. Other than that its my responsibility. My husband who is an only child can't do alot of the care for her because of the anger he feels. I recently retired from my job which I love to care for her. I decided that I had alot of anger and felt like she forced me to end my career to take care of her. She is angry and gets very demanding and says mean hurtful ugly things to me. I recently went back to work to feel better about myselfbut my new job is very demanding. She fell a couple days after I went to work and broke her pelvic in 2 places and her hip. She has been in a rehab hospital and we had her moved to a nursing home due to the fact she could not be alone and I work 12 hr shifts at night. She has pretty much given up on life and is more angry than ever, I can't stand to see her suffering so I told her we are bringing her home on Tuesday. I haven't figured out yet how I am going to work 12 hrs and take care of her. I stay so tired all the time and I feel like I have no life. I know we are doing what is right but I still feel used and tired and completely out of engery. I don't even enjoy doing anyting anymore,,,is it normal to feel like this.....I know we are getting close to the end since she is down to 90 lbs .....if anyone has any suggestions I am open to them

Thanks

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:12:20 -0000

ah, Leela. ((hugs)) It's funny how those certain forks in the road change the directions of our lives.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by Leela @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Leela — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 07:44:21 -0000

I lost my mom 9 years ago and still to this day it seems like she just left me. Grief is hard to over come, so far I feel I live with it everyday. My mom was my best friend and my confidant. She inspired me to be a better person and to expaned on our loss. I was 24 years old when she was diagnosed with the horrible disease of Lou Gehrig's Diease. (ALS) it changed our lives forever. She was a strong, courages woman who was never sick a day in her life. My dad, hes the one that has been sick for as long as I can remember. I asked a hundred times over why momwhy not dad? I go back to ask why did God decide it was her time. As a young adult I felt ripped off like how dare she leave me when i needed her the most. She never got to see my children grow up and become remarkable and she never got to see where i am today. But if she didnt get sick and i didnt have the chance to care for her I would not be a home health care agency owner striving to give other families a peace fo mind and to let them know they are not alone and yes as hard as it is dieing is a cycle of life. Mom and all of you is my inspiration to become a better person and I hope with support and a loving community I will be able to fill a much needed service to families in need. To all of you for the trials of life remember to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. The best caregivers are you. I give you all my warmest wishes and thoughts.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by AnnFudge @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

AnnFudge — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:06:21 -0000

I got into this conversation a little late, but wanted to reply anyway. My Daddy is in a nursing home and he chose not to have his pacemaker replaced because he said he went there to die. He will be 98 in a few days.

It is difficult to accept the death of a parent. However, if they have a very poor quality of life and/or are in pain, we have to accept that this is a natural stage of life. Just show him/her love and compassion.

If you are having a difficult time during a visit, leave the room if you feel the need to cry. Crying in front of him/her will just upset them.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 23:01:09 -0000

Hi, Rayofsun! Welcome to the site.

It sounds like things have been very hard on you, and to know your sister is going on a vacation - gosh, that would leave me feeling really down, too. I'm so glad, though, that you recognized you need help. We're also here for you whenever you need to talk something out or vent or whatever you need. (((hugs)))

'How are you FEELING?' posted by rayofsun @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

rayofsun — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 18:18:36 -0000

Hi, im very new to this all. I have been caring for dad since my mother died in 12/06. He has been ill since spring of 08, and then finally moved in with me in 8/08. He is 78. He has a triple bypass, aortic aneurism repair and received a new aortic valve. Things aren't going so hot for him. He has told me on more than one occasion that he just wants to die. He is tired and wants to move on.

We are now experiencing another setback with fluid buildup and very high kidney function levels.

Im the only one to take care of dad. I have a little sister in the military, she is getting ready to go on her second tour to Afghanistan. I hate not being able to do this all by myself. I hate it. BUT....I finally broke the other day and called the case manager. She talked with me for a long while, listened to my cry..... In the end, she suggested that maybe we see if we can bring Hospice aboard. It took me a long while to finally agree. Dad's dr. called last night and we talked and he said that he thinks im doing the right thing. We see the Cardiac Dr's tomorrow.

Im still waiting to see if dad get's approved, but in the end...I need help from someone. I finally, FINALLY admitted it! Of course I talked to my sister about it on the phone today and she was on her way to GA for the a 4 day vacation with a new boyfriend. Now that..................well, that's hard.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by A Mox @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

A Mox — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 03:24:53 -0000

tjl - Please understand that you are not alone. My heart goes out to you and I promise I will pray for you and your family. Treasure each moment you have left and make them memories that will comfort you when she is no longer with your family. When the time comes it will be hard on each of you and each will handle the loss in their own way. Please continue to cling to your family for support. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory that no one can steal.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by tjl @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

tjl — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:16:56 -0000

My mom is probably going to die within a week or two. She has been in a nusing home since 2004 against my wishes (she was living with me) but my 4 siblings made the call (one was poa) We fortunately got past the hurt feelings and are together with our decision to make these remaining days as comfortable as possible. Her youngest granchild (my daughter) turned 21 and wanted to have her first legal drink with her grandma. We didn't make it on that day but Sunday night we went to the nursing home with champagne glasses and fuzzy navels. My daughter will forever carry that picture of her grandma smiling and licking her lips after we toasted. Mom probably didn't imbibe more than an ounce but it was an extremely powerful moment for my daughter and me. Just to see Mom smile again is wonderful. I swear that Mom is in her own way saying goodbye to each of us. For the most part she has not spoken for a year but occassionally a word will slip out at the most appropriate time. As I cuddled with her last night and talked to her I told her that if she is waiting for my son to come she didn't have to-he is 8 hours away in a very demanding job. Each trip he has made home, he has said his peace with her. Since 2002 the five of us (her children) have alternated weekdays and weekends so that she always would eat a meal with one of us every day and very few days have been missed. We are fortunate to all live in the same city and can say goodbye to our 93 yr old mother without any feelings of guilt. It hasn't always been easy but the benefits have far outweighed the disruptions. My children, friends, colleagues and especially my teenage students have been travelling this long highway with me. My best advice to anyone about to head down this path is to not go alone and to look for the humor. Mom provided me with many tales to take to school from flushing her teeth down the toilet to hiding things in her diaper (like honey buns) to swearing like a sailor (I had NEVER heard her curse before) to saying "I love you" when I needed it the most. Please keep us in your prayers.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 03:48:31 -0000

Thank you, A Mox. Your perspective helps a lot. I appreciate it. :)

'How are you FEELING?' posted by A Mox @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

A Mox — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 03:17:02 -0000

Laura, I don't think you can really prepare yourself for the death of a loved one. Today is 2 weeks since my father passed away and everything seems so strange. I am worried about my mom. She is as white as a piece of paper and just sits and stares off into empty space. She and my dad were married for 62 years and what a marriage it was. My dad loved my mom so much. I took her to the doctor and he said to let her grieve as long as she needs to. Like your aunt I have taken care of my mom & dad for the last three years - moving in the house with them the last three weeks like I said before. I was the one who did everything for them. She will probably take it hard like I did. I know everyone grieves in their own way. I find comfort in knowing that he is not suffering anymore and he has went home to heaven. I was right there beside him when he passed away and I could almost see the angels coming to get him. Frustrated? No, not really, I am just stressed out. There is so much to do and I still can't see an end in sight. During the 3 years I was with both of them there did come a time when I went to the doctor for my nerves. I had a hard time trying to convience him I did not need anti-depression pills. I was not depressed - just stressed! I did not for one minute mind what I was doing. There was just so much to do and no one to help me. Your aunt will probably feel like me, she will be proud that she was there for him when he needed her most. Please hang in there and I will say a prayer for you and your family.

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:54:51 -0000

A Mox, we are absolutely here for you. Frustrated? Let us know. Scream it all out here, and then maybe we can help point you to the right places on the site that can help you with decision making.

Best to you!

'How are you FEELING?' posted by LauraL @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LauraL — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:53:43 -0000

Hunebe, am thinking of you! Things will sort themselves out as they do. Be positive, think positively, and know you have us here.

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