Holidays after the passing of a loved one

Laura, I was just thinking about starting a thread like this. Thank you!

I've said this in a million other threads, but I lost my dad a few months ago (now that I think about it - more than a few. Nine months ago) and this is my first Christmas without him. Mom will be staying with us and I don't know what to expect, to be honest. My birthday was several weeks ago and I was blindsided by how hard that day was without Dad. Dad's birthday was a so/so day and Thanksgiving was good. So far everything Christmas-y has gone okay, but who knows.

I'd love to hear from others because I may need some support as the holiday season progresses.

Laura, I love the violin ornament. I'm sure that's a treasure.

Hi.Missy..my Dad died 3 years ago in July so the first Christmas after was 5 months after his death. My daughter made ornaments with Dad's picture inside to give to everyone and I gave everyone an ornament from heaven. We all cried a little but all in all it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
My Dad was a Pearl Harbor Survivor and every year they interviewed him on the local television station and we went to the 25th and 50th reunion in Hawaii with him. Today, December 7th has been a sad day for me and it will remain so. I lost my hero. And we were all so proud of him. And he was so proud of those "buddies" that he lost in the war. He wore and was buried in a jacket with some of their names inscribed on it. Anyway, it gets a little better every year. I cried for about 1/2 hour this morning and determined to honor those veterans that I see by acknowledging their service. (When they have a hat or jacket that commemorates their service, I will say thanks and shake their hands) That will make my "Daddy" proud.
The first Pearl Harbor Day after Dad died, we went out for a drink to toast Dad. We never forget him and you won't either. It's funny the times that you suddenly miss him.

well my thanksgiving was quite and depressing all alone i did the turkey thing but still with out angel for the first time it was weird. Now xmas is going to be hard too, got the grandkids coming but he won't be there to enjoy there hugs and kisses and watch their faces as they open their presents . But really its the lonelyness and the missing him thats the worse for me, I will get a tree but a small one from walmart not real and start a new tradition with the grandkids maybe, I will get threw the hoidays but it is a little more painful then usual. Happy holidays to all.

michelle

Hi,I lost my loved one Nov.20,2009 from terminal cancer. Thanksgiving was hard, I did have a small dinner with our family and we gave thanks. We all talked about the funny times we all had with Jack, we laughed and we cryed. The memories are the greatest gift that we have of our loved ones. Christmas will be hard, we will take out the photos and the home movies and once again we will think of the fun times. I know that he is spending Christmas up above. I miss him and am very lonely not having him here with me, but than I think of how he had been for the last two years with the cancer and how much pain he was in. I am so greatful that God gave me the 22 years with him. Happy Holidays to all. I will be praying for all.

Jo

Jo that was a beautiful post..22 years WOW!!

I lost my Mom on Sept 23rd 2009..I am still in that very very very lost period..Feels like I am drowning and nothing is saving me.. I came on these boards perhaps with selfish hopes that I find "Others" Who are struggling as I am.. I am just trying so hard to feel better, even if its for just one day :( I just wish I could sleep Christmas away!

Dear Laura:

My Mom died very unexpectedly on Oct. 15th this year. I (and my husband) have been living with Mom and Dad for over seven years taking care of them (We both owrk and I have been/am paying for 24/7 care for them). Dealing with loosing her at all is hard; holidays are extremely difficult, if not impossible. It was my 50th birthday just two weeks after she left us: it was unbearable - even though Alzheimers and Dementia had robbed me of the mother I knew, there were times when she "came back" and was teasing me about turning "older than dirt". My Dad has Dementia as well, and does not remember most times that she has gone to Heaven, so he (and I) have to absorb the pain of her loss over and over again. Their 67th anniversary was Nov. 20th: only 1 out of 5 of my siblings called. Thanksgiving was painful without her telling me how to cook the turkey ... my daughter joined us, but we were all in tears most of the day. And now it's almost Christmas. I decorated and put a small artificial tree on her grave (a dog chain stake twisted into the ground and tied the tree to the stake) and laminated her xmas card and put it there as well. We put up the tree after Thanksgiving dinner as usual, but our hearts aren't in it. My daughter and I had ordered Mom special Native American gifts (we are part Cherokee) that are wrapped and under the tree. Her spirit is still here, and I refuse to erase her from the house or not mention her name.
But the very hardest part for me is the fact that I have 5 siblings, but feel I'm an only child. They all have their own lives and families, and for the most part seem to have forgotten about Dad, who also has terminal cancer, and will go to join Mom in the near future. Only one sister calls to check on him occassionaly. I used to call and see how they all were coping, but then it hit me: no one calls to check on Dad or ask how I'm coping, so I stopped calling. I've been told it's "too depressing" for them to call and they just can't deal with it.

I am trying to make it through the Holiday season by keeping up as many of the customs that Mom enjoyed as I can, and praying that she can see from Heaven how much I love her, and miss her, and that I haven't forgotten her. And I pray that someday I'll find peace and acceptance.

God Bless you and comfort you through the Holiday Season.

Niki Rose

Niki Rose..You have my deepest sympathies and prayers.. If it is of any help at all, you are not alone..I too, feel the same pain you are feeling.. I have never had a "Tragedy" In my life, I am 40 year old wife, mom of four..My Mom lived with us, she was a happy, vibrant woman all the way to the short end of her life.. Everyday, I try so hard to think of a "Meaning" To why this happened..I relive her death over and over again in my head.. I am sick over the lost times I didnt tell her how much I love her, or how much she meant to me.. I keep waiting for all these signs to come to me from her, so far nothing has come..I pray just to hear her voice tell me she is okay and she is happy.. People have told me too that carrying on like this is not healthy and I need to move on, it is just so hard.. I have her urn in my living room, her pictures all over..I try everything possible to keep her next me..So Niki believe me, I relate to all you are going through.. If you ever wish to talk, please feel free to email me anytime, you are not alone.. Dawn DP08863@AOL.COM

Dawn, and all the sweet people..Your so much comfort. I'm sitting here trying to find the words and I find they are all here..The heartache is at times unbearable. I agree so much with your statment Dawn, I would truely like to sleep through Christmas. Ifeel guilty for thinking this because I have the Grandkids and my daughters all here, but it's so hard. My love of my life died on May 19,09.. We were just coming from my step daughters graduation a 2 day trip and he was so happy and proud. I was driving ,he was feeling just a little tired. And he went to sleep 2 hours from home and he was gone. I live this over and over, everyday. He was only 54. They say he had a heart attack but his heart was never a question of bein bad.. Oh I just want to wish all of you strength and warm Hugs. Thank you all for being out there..With Love

Norma

I believe that's what makes this so much harder to bear. We are expecting my father to die at any time: we never expected Mom to go first. The Hospice doctor and nurses never gave me any warning. She had a minor heart attack at home while the nurse was helping her dress, and then, because someone had moved the DNR's, the rescue squad had to take her to the hospital, and she had a second major attack and died en-route, alone, with monitors and needles stuck in her - just the way I had promised her she wouldn't die. I can't get past the fact that I let her down, and didn't keep my promise. Or that I never had the chance to say goodbye. I didn't even get to talk to her on the phone before they took her away, even though the nurse says she was asking for me. I can't eat without getting sick, I can't sleep without nightmares; I break out in tears unexpectedly all the time at work (not good when you run a construction company) and now go into panic attacks with no warning. It feels as though someone has ripped through my chest and pulled my heart out..... I've called the house several times without thinking (I always called several times a day to check on them both), because there was something I wanted to tell her or ask her, just to have the nurse remind me that she's gone. I keep expecting to walk in to the living room and she'll be there on the couch, waiting.

People lie: the pain doesn't get easier with time - it gets even worse. Taking care of Dad is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. When I loose him, too, I'm scared of what will happen. I really don't think I'll be able to handle it.

And my family just says to get over it. I guess it's easier for them: they didn't live with her, so they don't keep opening closets and drawers and finding her things there .... I don't understand why that hurts so much, when I've made a point of keeping her photographs out, and enlarged one so that it's the first thing you see when you walk in the door. I pray that someday it won't hurt so much to just wake up each day. I have a husband and grown daughter, but they don't seem to understand what I'm going through and are loosing patience with me.

You are not alone! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Niki Rose

Oh Norma..I am soo very sorry.. So much like me, Boom! Our lives just came tumbling down, and as hard as I try to reach out to pick up whatever pieces I can, I get slammed right back down..I have been reading all the phases we need to go through to grieve, I am going through them..Over and over.. I listening to all her favorite songs, many remind me of my childhood, so I smile and cry at the sametime :) I honestly never knew such pain exsisted.. Norma..I wish I had some advice to help you, but I am here to listen, so please talk talk talk, I personally think it is what gets me through each day.

Laura..Thank you so much for starting this forum topic, you gave me a wonderful outlet.. God Bless

Niki..I am thinking of you..I wish I could get out of my own hell to comfort you..But I am pretty much standing next to you :(

My mother passed February 6, 2009. the first 6 months I was in a blur. So mny details to attend to. My sisters were with me at the time of her passing. I know that she is no longer suffering, and I would never ask that she come back to this life of pain and sorrow, but, I am surprised that I am unable to get up the spirit to have Christmas. I had my sisters around so much when mom was ill that I miss them now that the have gone home to other cities. I can't tell you how to get through, no one can, just cherish the memories of Christmases past, don't worry if you get waves of grief, saddness, and tears. I am glad I have had people in my life that were worth crying over their absence. Don't let anyone try to tell that things will get back to normal,they won't! You are starting to live a "new normal" without your loved one. Let yourself have all the time you need and do whatever it takes to get through it. You look young so I know it must be harder. Head towards people who will let you be who you are and do what you need to do. Stay away from those who need you to stay with the "script" of what grief is what they think it is supposed to be. Those folks need you to move on for them to be comfortable. I took care of my mother for 4 1/2 years and believed I was anticipating the grief of her dying but, I was and continue to be surprised since she is gone.

It feels so hard-- but this forum is such a great resource. In the past five years I have lost FOUR family members unexpectedly. My mother, my father, my brother and my son. Frankly, I did not think I could survive. One thing I learned right away is that 'people' can't handle the reality that one day we all pass away. No one knows what to say, no one knows what to do... so I found people turning away from me at the store-- like I was a leper.

I have learned that my new life is very different. I don't live as much in the future or the past. I focus on this day, because you just never know. I thought my son was asleep in bed with a bad cold-- nope he got up to go see his girlfriend and was killed in a car accident. My perfectly healthy brother and I just had breakfast-- and then that evening there was a police officer at the door. Too much.

I now provide coaching and support to others going through grief, loss and transition. The hardest part about grief is it seems to compound-- I found myself feeling sad over my divorce from years before, the passing of my adorable dog Chester-- etc., it all adds up.

My advice: massive self-care and try not to isolate-- stay connected and look for the gifts that the 'angels' send to you at every moment. Keep the traditions going too... never forget.

I promise it gets easier, one day at a time! I know.

Legacy Coach Mary

My Mom passed away in the middle of November of this year (2009). You are kind of in a blur --- things are so busy and so hectic --- especially this time of year! I think I got through Thanksgiving because of that blur --- but the last week or so, all I do is cry! Its like I've finally found a minute (between Thanksgiving and Christmas) to think about Mom --- and its so hard and so sad! She had Dementia and wasn't the person we sisters knew. The last two years have been hell trying to keep Mom alive, healthy, and without broken bones. But honestly --- the last few months were hell! It was so hard to see her change so dramatically in such a short time. We all felt at peace when her last few days were approaching --- and at the funeral, Mom looked the best she'd looked in years! She looked 15 years younger! That alone made me feel a little bit more at peace. I was looking at the woman I remembered! However --- I am not in any mood to celebrate Christmas or New Years. I'd just like to go to bed for a while and wake up happy! I too know that Mom has to be in a much better way and I should be thrilled --- but the loss you feel in your heart is undescribable! Our Dad died less than 2 years ago of cancer. I guess the only good thing about any of this is that they were old. Well into their 80's. I try to be grateful they were here with us that long! Some of you don't have that luxury. So my heart goes out to all of you. Its never easy to lose a friend, a pet, a child, or a parent! I think most of us know there are worse things than death --- and yet, here we all are! Crying!

Hi all...sorry to read your posts. I lost my dad 3 years ago and can look back and see how far I have come. Yes, it is difficult and at times, I still cry. But we do have to go on. I think that I have only recently recovered from the depression but sometimes when I think of dad, I cry and smile at the same time with the memories of something he said or something he did. I was missing him last week and though I'm not sure I believe th is...I actually felt arms around me. I like to think that was Dad saying let go honey and go and live your life...Don't worry about me anymore as I feel better now. I know in my heart that my Dad would want me to go on because he and my mom both lost their parents and still gave us a great life. My mom's parents were gone when she was 11 and my dad's parents were gone after he was an adult and our lives were so rich that I know that they went on.
I hope that you can find strength from this website as I know that I have. Try to remember the good times but know that you will never forget your loved ones and never regret those missed opportunities. (I take them as a learning experience and now say I love you to family every time I see or talk to them)
Try to have a good holiday and try to remember the good times. It really will get better even though it takes time. It will not go away. The pain is still there but it isn't so crippling anymore. I still have my mom and know that I have to go through that loss and I hate that thought but I know I will survive. (I actually thought that I was going to die when Dad died) Keep the faith and know that your loved ones would really want you to go on but never forget them. And you won't forget them. I miss the sound of Dad's voice but can still remember his words and know that he taught me well.
I still have my husband but I see him preparing me to live in his absence should this ever occur. These things help.
Talk, talk, talk ....that really helps. But every day try to make a small step toward going on and one day, you will be able to.
For the first few months after Dad's passing, I visited the cemetery almost every day as I had to but my sister almost never went. She talked to Dad everywhere. We get through it on our own time and in our own way. If your siblings do not live near you, call them. I'm sure that they are grieving in some way. If they cannot talk about it, tell them you need their help..and if that does not work...there are many people at this website who you can reach out to and this well help. Try to be strong and remember that everyone goes through loss at one time or another and we continue to live (even when we don't want to). Maybe there is some grief counseling group in your area that would help. Its a long way before we arrive at the other side of this hurt so take whatever help you can get.
My heart is with you and hope that your holidays are better than you anticipate.

Hi everyone, my heart goes out to all of yous. I know that it is so hard to have lost a love one, the jorney that we take is to take one day at a time, that is the process of letting the hurt go each day a little at a time. we always keep them in our hearts forever. My mom died 13 years ago and my brother died 6 years ago, and now I just have lost my husband, I try to take one day at a time, keeping in mind that we never say good-bye to our loved ones, we just say "see you later", that one day we will see them again. Keep the Faith, Hope and Love, We all are living on earth, we are a flower garden up in heaven and when the lord picks one that is our time to leave this earth and to join him up above. You all are in my prayers and hope that you keep the light of our loved ones glowing in your hearts and praying that you all have joyfull Holiday.

Jo

This is my first Christmas without my husband. Although we were married only 4 years and 3 months, this is so difficult - we had 10 Christmas' together. The best part of me died with him. I was with him for the last hour of his life, while the care unit and Dr's tried their best to help him. I stayed with him for about 30 minutes after he was pronounced. He was not alone when he passed, but he was in a hospital. He received an annointing and blessing the Friday night before he passed on Monday early AM. I know he is much better after having 3 years of being a stroke survivor with mental impairments, and a few physical impairments.

I am not decorating this year. I hosted my family for Thanksgiving, but his absence was felt, although his grandaughter (4 yrs old) was there and quite active. Christmas Day will be difficult to say the least, as I will be spending it mostly alone with my 88 year old parents. The resentment of my siblings almost always being elsewhere is raising it's ugly head. I want to hibernate this Christmas, not care for two people in dementia. Their apartment at the Sr. living facility is decorated, as I knew they needed that, but it's too much to try to decorate my own home. Am on Welbutrin and Zoloft, so am making it from day to day.

I knew at some point I would be alone, but did not expect him to pass away after successful Open Heart Surgery. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but didn't get said before his surgery, then he was in a medically induced coma for 5 days due to complications.

For the first time since his death, I skipped church on purpose. I need their support, but trying to go for the last Sunday before Christmas was too much.

I lost my dad in March 2009 and this will be my first christmas without him. I won't say that Dad and I were extremely close, because when I was growing up he was working as a Tour Bus Driver and was gone alot, but I think during recent years we have become closer. My dad took ill suddenly and I was lucky enough (if that is how to put it) to be with him when he died. I will never forget that experience. I was holding one hand and my step sister was holding the other when he passed away. I have moments of small breakdowns but then I am okay. I am his only child (biologically) but have uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. as well as a wonderful step family. I actually live 8 hours from all of them and I miss them more and more everyday. My aunt gave me some pictures when Dad was in the hospital and one of the pictures was of Dad and I during my first christmas and I was 9 months old. I love that picture, because I was sitting on his lap and I can just tell that he loved me and so when I get sad and start to miss him I just look at that picture. He will always be with me and hopefully that will help.

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I posted, but I'm getting teary reading this thread. It's so beautiful. Dawn, you said you felt like you were being a little selfish hoping to find others struggling. I guess I fall into that same boat...but I don't think it's selfish. In "gatherings" like these, I think we give back to others as much as we take.

I'm so sorry to you all for your losses. I have a feeling of anxiety right now, as Christmas is only a few days away. So far, it's been a really busy time for me. My mine has been quite occupied. And while I'm yearning for a break, I can't help but to wonder if the slower pace will bring the tears. You know? I seem to be pretty much fine all day. It's when the kids and my hubby are all in bed for the night and I'm up working or watching TV alone that I get overwhelmed in grief. I guess that's why they sometimes say surrounding yourself with those you love during these times is a good thing. Keep that in mind, everyone. I'm a fan of really feeling your emotions (rather than covering them up) but I'm not a fan of dwelling too much. I don't know about your loved ones, but my dad would be either heartbroken or a little mad if I spent too much time feeling sad. I wrote a Christmas card to all of our friends and family the other day that said something like, "We all have heavy hearts since my Dad's passing in March and his absence is certainly felt this Christmas. Yet I've never been someone to deny myself joy. And let's face it - there's a lot of it around this time of year." I believe that. And when I post next time and I'm down, please someone remind me that I've said it.

Hugs to everyone.

Missy, you are right..It is more like a "Gathering"..I chose my words, before reading all the "Others"..This forum makes life so real for me..Only a few days ago, I felt so alone..As if I was the only one on earth that suffered these horrible feelings.. I can't even tell any of you what brought me here, how I found this site, or what I even wrote on my first "reply" Without looking back.. Life seems like such a blur, the pain gets so overbearing..The little times I do smile, comes with guilt..I have to constantly remind myself that my mom is dead everyday, just so I don't lose touch with reality.. The day my Mom passed away we had a big beautiful dove, that stood out on a wire in front of my house, the dove then flew on the roof of my house and stayed for 3 days..Family and friends remind me of this often, I guess my grief blocked out the dove and it hurt to just keep hearing about it..But as time passed that dove gives me strength and comfort..Every store I go in, I see dove pictures, magnets, statues, etc..All of a sudden my life is consumed with doves..Secretly, I think doves are going to account for 99% of my Christmas presents..lol.. Believe me, I know the pain and hurt you all feel, one day my life seems worth living, the next I am in agony..I never understood what "Loss" Meant, until I lost my Mom who was also my best friend..I saw my mom for 40 years every single day, we drank coffee together, we talked, laughed, fought, we knew one another, as we knew ourselves.. Learning to live without her, is going to be the biggest struggle..But I know I have too..

I thank you all so much for your stories, the comfort it has given me is incredible..Without ever meeting or touching any of you, I feel as though we all share one common bond..A great "Loss" Of those we love and adore.. God Bless you all this holiday season, find strength where you can.. I will always be checking in to see if anyone needs to talk, I am here.. Dawn

I just lost my brother on November 18, 2009. I'm a mess trying to 'be festive' for everyone else but inside I just want to curl up quietly and hang out alone. I know everyone says we shouldn't be alone on holidays and so quickly after a significant death but that's what I want.

My brother was everything to me. He was the only one in my family who I was close to, and who gave me hope. Everyone else is dead. I'm completely alone now and I don't know how to cope with that. I love him so much!!

Missy, I made my first post here today. I lost my dear brother at only 51 years of age on November 18th this year. He was ill for a very long time but he fought and survived so many near-death events that I let myself feel a little bit secure. Steve will make it through this crisis just like the last fifty of them. And then he was gone. It feels like a death inside me but I've done this before: my Mom, Dad and older brother(dead at 35) are all gone too.

Anyway, I'm writing you to tell you that I really understand all the stuff you've written here. It resonates well with me and it made me want to be one of those people who give you a reminder when you're feeling down. There is so much beauty, kindness and love in the world! I can't deny that and I want to be enveloped in it. We deserve that and our loved ones would be mad at us if we didn't enjoy our lives to the fullest.

But, like you, I need to feel the feelings completely. How could we not? It's the way to pay homage for those who are so very important to us, those who shape who we are. However, my head kicks in if I discover I'm just wallowing and stuck way in the future.

Take care, k? I'm here as I struggle through my own loss.

gibster, I am so sorry for your loss. I felt the same way, I call it alone time. I felt like I needed to be alone to do my own grieving, to sort my feelings out. Also I enjoy having friends and family around, that shows me that they care and want to make things easier for me. You have to do whatever you feel in your heart, if you want that alone time, do it. We all grieve in different ways. Bless you and I pray that the pain you feel will be a little easier to bare. Prayers and hugs to all

Jo

Whoa, I can't believe there are so many of us who have lost someone this year.I'm so sorry for all the losses.

I lost my younger Brother Jan.31,'09, of Congested heart failure. He was 49 and lived next to my Parents on their land in Calif. (I live in Alaska)My Brother was my best friend. We called each other every Sunday and talked for hours.(He was divorced with 2 grown children)

When I flew down for a week to help my older Brother with arrangements,I noticed that my Dad looked very ill and thin.He said he had a bad kidney that was to be removed soon. He died April 21,'09 of cancer.I flew down again. This time for a month and a half, to move my 81 yr old Mother to my house.She has some dementia going on and I felt she shouldn't live there alone, especially being 40 miles from a major town.

Every thing has been so surreal and overwhelming.The 2 deaths, and my Mother being here now. I've lived away from Calif and my family for 26 yrs.I'm divorced and had been living alone for 5 years. I always thought that these things don't happen to my family. Then....wham, wham and double wham!

I drive truck in state. I do a 16 hour run 4 days in a roll.I have plenty of alone time and that's when I do my crying. I cry almost every day for my Brother. My Dad and I weren't that close. He was gone a lot when I was growing up because he drove truck all his life.And he was 78. My Mother and I weren't all that close either, but now we have a chance to bond before she goes.

The holidays aren't that bad for me.Since I had no family here, I usually spent the holiday alone, or worked, so others could be with their families.

I don't have any children and my plan, when I couldn't work any more, was to move to my parents house after they're gone, because my Lil Brother would be there and we'd live our last years together.

With my Brother being gone, some times I want to be gone too. But my Mother needs me now.

I'm so sorry we all have to deal with this.We can only deal with it in our own ways.It's such a comfort to be able to talk about it here, because "Other" people don't want to talk about it and shy away.

((((Group Hugs))))