Ugh! I absolutely understand your frustration! When my dad was alive, I would get SO frustrated with him for not following doctors orders. No matter how much I reminded him (which ended up being more like nagging), he simply made the decision to not do as he was told.

On a seriously personal note, at one point I thought I was going to need therapy about it. I wanted my dad, so badly, to get stronger and be able to enjoy life more. I felt like he didn't follow doctors orders because he didn't want to put himself out. This whole thing caused a major crease in our relationship. I just couldn't let it go. EVERY conversation we had, I threw in things like "do you know how much sodium is in there?" or "drink water, not soda!". It was ridiculous.

Finally one day I had an ephiphane. Dad was choosing to do what he wanted. So much of his control had been taken away when he got sick. What he could control was whether or not he ate bacon. The bottom line is that I just had to let it go. If I had some piece of useful information to share, I did so. But I didn't plea a case. He knew full well what he was supposed to be doing and why.

I know this is hard to accept and hear...especially since you are the one who is providing so much care for your aunt. I can understand how you want to do everything you can to keep her as independent (and alive) as possible. But when they have all the same information you do, sometimes you have to just hand the control back to them.

My one last thought is to share how you're feeling with your aunt. Perhaps if she was motivated by keeping things as easy for you, she'd work harder at doing what she was advised. Everyone's motivation is different.

Thank you. I know it's an emotional roller coaster that changes day by day.

http://www.aarp.org/community/GailSheehy/journals/The_Only_One_They_Trust/1809132 I know this is not exactly your situation but you might like the article. My mother became a diabetic when I was a teenager and I learned that you can't change them if they want to do the wrong thing for their health. And it is not just that person that pays the price, we all do when we have to take care of them.

My mother went thru this with my father years ago after he was diagnosed with diabetes. I was a constant struggle. For year she kept track and did her best to make things go ok. I took me just as long to convince her that my fathers worsening condition was his doing. As an adult he made choices- to continue smoking ,eat poorly, refuse to excercize, etc essentially placing himself in his current condition. It took forever for her to realize she could no more improve on matters than if she tried to rope the wind. Understand it's NOT about placing blame. Truth is none of us HAS TO take care of any one, its an option. And in my opinion a gift. if someone refuses my gift nothing says I have to keep re offering.

"Truth is none of us HAS TO take care of any one, its an option. And in my opinion a gift. if someone refuses my gift nothing says I have to keep re offering."

Very well put! Thank you.

I'm dealing w/ a husband who is similar. It's quite frustrating & I can totally relate! You have to remind yourself of the serenity prayer: accept things you can't change, change things you can, & wisdom to know difference! They have to be the one who ultimately, makes the choice about their own health. You can educate/support/tough love....but, it's their body. I, finally, had to accept the fact that I will most likely either find my hubby dead, or, be there when he's suffering at "the end". I've already found him near death(brought him back& another long story).....he does well for awhile, but, continues to struggle w/ taking care of himself. We ended up getting a duplex....I refuse to "reward" his choices. I'm still there for him, & paying for it financially....but, we're still close, & he chose this himself. It's sad to watch...but, reality. Can't change people's mind or live their life. We can guide them & support healthy lifestyle efforts. Radical Acceptance! Tough & stressful. Step back! I still worry, but, it's not in my face, & I've stopped going out of my way to get him health care as much. Why bother. You can lead a horse to water, but, can't make him drink! Just be a good role model & support the positives! Good luck.

Unfortionatly we feel guilt over a loved ones poor or nondecesions. It's something most of us experience. In reality it's misplaced guilt, but painful just the same. You have more company than you can imagine. There are some things in life we can't control. I hope you will come to know this over time and not feel this anymore. pain of loss, yes but not guilt!

I don't feel guilt at all regarding my decision to have us live in a duplex! It was time to take care of myself! Also, it was time for his mother/legal guardian, and the professionals to "step-up"! Of course, I seem to be the only one who continues to be there through thick & thin, & consistently. I feel "the system" has let us down. I'm, also, sad that his side of the family hasn't been there for him the way they should be. But, thanks for your thoughts!

For your own sanity's sake don't fight it. She has to have the want. When my mom was alive with heart disease and prescribed a restricted diet I tried futilely to get her to adhere to it. She wasn't obese but had, had vascular surgery, heart disease and was supposed to not smoke and eat a low protein, sodium restricted diet. Well she kept smoking until she had a stroke. I made myself crazy for 8 of her last 10 years trying to get her to be compliant when one day after having another heart-to-heart talk about dietary restriction she glibly responded if "it's gonna kill me then I have to die because I'm not giving it up". That's when it hit me. Her overall quality of life had reached such a low ebb that was all she felt there was to enjoy -- so I just stopped. She was happier in the end and so was I. At the very end, while in the nursing home the final request she could muster just enough to say the word "gravy". My sister promptly went down the street to KFC and got her some mashed potatoes and gravy and came back and fed it to her. Thereafter, all nourishment was relegated to abdominal tube feedings and IV fluids. It sounds like she isn't going to be getting any better and she probably doesn't have a desire to so go with the flow, spare yourself the grief and let her live out the remainder of her life in the way she desires. Peace be with you both.

Hi, I'm Nicolas and i' m worried about my grand father, in fact, is in a retirement home and every time i go to see him he don't do nothing, is social live is not really ecxiting and he is becoming angry! I've heard about Play Therapy but do you have any forum that talk about this and do you know if it could be good for him to participate to one these therapy? I've heard about this website : http://www.playtherapy.biz/ What do you think of this!

Hi, yes, they say anything to keep the brain active is a good thing! Does he enjoy cards or games? They have many on-line games & many are "traditional" too! Playing is good for all at any age! He can get into things he enjoyed when stronger, only, in adapted way. Don't they offer anything social there? Can he do crossword puzzles, or bingo? My degree was in Therapeutic Recreation....so, of course, I think it's a great thing! But, also, my personal life has proven it helpful for all!

ok thanks for your reply, I will see him soon and I'll speak to him about this. Thanks for your help ;-)