cant forget how painful it was

Hi Cyndi,

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs I was with my dad when he died nearly a year ago and the memory of that day haunted me. Even just now I started to type out some details and just couldn't finish so I deleted them. What I realized, though, was that for awhile it almost seemed like I was making myself think of them. It was almost like "did that really happen?" and running through the story in my mind solified he was really gone. But after awhile, I got mad at myself. "Why are you making yourself think of this? Why?" Days still go by when I think about it. I still cry sometimes. As we come up on the anniversary, it's on my mind more. But my dad wouldn't want me to dwell too much. He would want me to be happy and enjoy life. He knows I loved him. And while I know almost nothing about your sis, it sounds like the two of you had a cherished relationship filled with lots of love. I'll take a leap of faith her and tell you she would want the same for you. She doesn't want you torturing yourself with hese details. You took care of her. You ushered her to peace when all that could be done for her had been. It's okay to let yourself stop thinking about it.

I'm wondering if you'd consider going to a grief support group in your area. Or maybe even seeing a counselor who specializes in grief. I'll bet if you contacted your local hospice chapter they'd have some good resources for you.

I'll be thinking about you.

I believe you are right about grief support group and my sister and were very close we called each other sister and never my our first names because we decided at a young age that only we could do that and it was our thing and I did lose more then just a sister a also lost my best friend thank you for your help

cyndi - i know your pain is sharp and deep and overwhelming at times because two years is a very short time in the grieving process. think of this: what a wonderful gift you gave your sister by your care of her, the time spent with her minus the petty everyday issues we allow to interfere, and your sisterly love expanding with each day. equally as important is the gift you received from her - for the same reasons.
my oldest child died at end of october 2009 from breast cancer recurrence which had metastesized to liver. i was her caregiver for the entire year she was with us; and, in spite of her prognosis, the time we had together was the most special gift i've ever received.
look online for "the compassionate friends", a support group for bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings. the "chapter locator" will help you find a group in your area. they literally saved my life years ago after the death of my youngest son. and if you are not a meeting kind of gal, they publish a free newsletter (nationally & locally) that is most helpful. bless you today - take each minute as it comes - remember your sister with love and laughter. remember that tears have healing properties. and most of all: remember that you do not walk this path alone - -there are thousands of us walking with you!!!!!

Dear Cindy, I agree with what the others have said. A grief counselor is good advice. Grieving is a very personal thing in how long the sharp pain quietens down to a dull ache and talking to someone does help.

With regard to your worry about the grave, I would say to you that your sister is not in the cemetery, but in your heart, with you always. At least, that's how I feel about my mother. So, don't stress yourself about her gravestone. Remember how she was in life and live yours to the full as if she was here with you. That's what she would want, I am sure. We all want our loved ones to be happy. All the best to you.

thank you for saying 2 years is not a long time I have been made to feel that I am absorbed in self pity and I don't think I am. I don't like it when people say she is better off now, or she in a better place as if they know and that offers some kind of comfort because it does not comfort at all. I find people very insensitive at a time like this and not knowing what to say is Gods way of telling you to say nothing I have not as yet found a grieving group and not sure if its what I need to do . I have made arrangements with the cemetery to pay on a head stone and when its paid they will then install it which bring some comfort I felt like her boys acted like her life didn't matter enough to sacrifice and go with out something in order to do that fof her. I know I miss her everyday and cry every time I see her face trying to be brave when I told she was dying and every day it was the first time she heard it.It breaks my heart

I'm not sure it will help I find it hard to talk about the time we spent with out crying even now I am balding my eyes out. People don't understand how close we were or how it feels to be the last one in your family sort of like your childhood is being wiped away because no one left who remembers or can share those memories with you. I am still not ready to share her with others not like she is a memory I just don't want to think of her that way a memory.I don't know if this makes any sense to you .but it does to me and I not sure I can explain it right

I'm not sure it will help grief counseling that is, I find it hard to talk about the time we spent alone together, with out crying even now I am balding my eyes out. People don't understand how close we were or how it feels to be the last one in your family sort of like your childhood is being wiped away because no one left who remembers or can share those memories with you. I am still not ready to share her with others not like she is a memory I just don't want to think of her that way a memory.I don't know if this makes any sense to you .but it does to me and I not sure I can explain it right

One of my hardest understandings of other people's grief while I was grieving my own of the loss of my husband, was that others do not necessarily grieve like I do and did.

The headstone may not be a signature closure or value to her children. The children may be processing things in a different matter. I felt that my in laws "should" have been more consoling and active in my grief, but often they were and so could not help me.

Some folks gain strength and comfort in visually seeing items of the loved one or symbols. Others in grief would rather have a clean slate and use memories to uphold them.

Be kind to yourself. Each time you repeated those words to her, was like a new day to her. Receiving them from someone who truly cared and stayed by her, was a gift beyond measure. Give yourself a gift today and know that your presence was all that she needed. Remember the smiles, the laughter and stories. Plant something green in her memory, allowing growth to sprout forth.. Maybe even some herbs on the window sill to use daily in cooking.

Add light to each of these lengthening days, by doing something kind for yourself as you were so kind to your sister. A wonderful circle!

Susan W Reynolds... www.revivalredesign.com

I wonder why some people don't have as hard a time as some when it comes to a lost of a love one I see my sisters boys and they seem to be fine and handled it very well where as I am still a basket case over it and cant seem to get this grieving thing down I say it because we were so close and I know I will never have a friend like her, and my only sister is gone we had no mother so we taught each other things young women need to know growing up and even into adulthood. I know I will never have a closeness like that again as long as I live, maybe its me Im grieving for and when I think that it only makes it worse. I am ready for this night mare to go away and get down to living again with out crying every day. I cant talk about her without crying I cant think about her and what was going through her mind when all of this was going on I do remember her trying to be brave so that I didn't brake down but I could see in her eyes she was scared and I didn't know how to help hand very hard to live with.er

The issue is for you to understand that everyone processes grief differently, so the boys probably care as much as you do, but not in the same way as you do. Unfortunately, no matter how hard people try to help each other in these difficult times, ultimately we have to come to term with our grief by ourselves. That's what good counselors help us do. They don't do it for us, but guide us in our efforts to come to term with the situation. Don't be scared. You will find new things to appreciate about your sister and yourself. You must give yourself permission to grieve and to recover, and you'll be right. All the best.

Please do not misunderstand I did not mean for it to sound as if they did not care I meant that they seem to be handling it better then I and not that they didn't care I sorry you took it that way. I also don't believe I'm going through a normal grieving process and I am trying to come to terms with all that has happen most of which I do not share because everyone has an opinion on what people should do, and how they should think about it and how long it should take to get over it. And don't mind telling you either you might be right a good counselor might be just what I need. And I will find one I can work with when I can share with some one else all of the private conversation we had that would not mean a whole to anyone but her and I because we understood each other so I have to be honest and say I'm a little hurt by your letter it sounded as if I was being scolded for something that I just didst understand not that they didst care or don't care as much as I but just that they seem to be o.k with it. I sorry you took offense to my letter. and the fact that I am not as yet working with a grieving councilor believe me I will seek one as soon as I can work with them.

I am so sorry, I absolutely did not meant to upset you. And please be sure that I absolutely did not take offense at all. Maybe it's just the way I talk. I am very sorry and wish you all the best, honestly. I just believe that in these situations there's no right or wrong. We are all different and that's OK. I hope this helps. If not, I am sorry and hope you will find peace one day. All the best to you.

Hi Cindi: I will love to tell you that time will help you but it is not true, I lost my father many years ago, after that I also lost my sister and a year and 15 days after I lost my mother. I don't remember the years and it hurts as if it was yesterday. They all died with cancer, and after all of that I lost my dog of 15 years also with cancer and now I have breast cancer. You see now that I am trying to help you in some way I am crying remembering my family, the only thing that keeps me going is the thought to know that now they are not suffering, I love them too much and I did not wanted to see them suffering. Always think that "it's only a step away", we will soon be together. I read a poem once and one part it saids: where no pain can ever touch me, where no sorrow can ever be. Isn't it pretty to know that they are happy, your sister and my family they are all very happy and "no pain", "no suffering" is wonderful. Cry all you want and always remember the good times with your sister, I always do, and I will miss them always. God bless you Cindi, remember you are not alone. Love you and have Faith, God is always with you and He will help you, you are not alone. Love, Rosanna

Cindy, I've lost my dad, a brother and a beloved sister, so I understand the pain you are feeling. I'm sure your sister loved her sons very much. If you want to honor her and ease your pain, take some of the love you felt for her and shower it on her sons. They are in pain too, and you can help ease that pain, as well as your own by giving the tremendous love you felt for your sister to them.

Cindi: I too have been mourning for a long time and cannot forget the dying faces of the family members I have lost over the last three years. I find that only by keeping busy and deliberately remembering happy times and courting new happy experiences have I been able to go on. I also pray a lot but only during the day. I try not to lie in bed when I am awake but rather get up and do something (anything) to refocus my thoughts. Time and hard work are gradually easing the pain of losing my 12 family members who were so dear. Being with other people who have lost loved ones is now possible for me and I can meet with a grief counsellor and a grief support group. Perhaps it is time for you to do so also. It seems to be helping me.

DEAR DORO: I ALSO CAN NOT LAY IN BED UNLESS I AM SO TIRED THAT I FALL ASLEEP QUICKLY I HAVE MOVED TO THE SOFA BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO BE WHERE I FALL ASLEEP AND DONT JUST LAY THERE REMEMBERING THE ONE THING I CANT SEEM TO SHAKE IS DID I DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS THEY DONT GIVE YOU A MANUAL FOR THESE THINGS I WONDER IF TELLING HER THE TRUTH WAS THE RIGHT THING OR IF I SHOULD OF SAID NOTHING THE PRAYING THAT SHE DID ALL THE TIME BEFORE THE CANCER TOOK OVER HER BRAIN I WONDER IF I DID THAT RIGHT HER LAST RIGHTS I WONDER IF IT WAS TO SOON OR WAS IT TO LATE SHE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT IT NOTHING LIKE WHEN IM GONE I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THIS OR THAT OR GIVE THIS TO THIS PERSON AND THE WHOLE TIME I KEPT THING SHE WILL ANY DAY NOW TELL ME WHAT TO DO(THEY DO IN THE MOVIES) I WANTED TO ASK I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED HER FUNERAL LIKE WHAT SHE WANTED PEOPLE TO KNOW IF ANYTHING SHE LEFT ME WITH NO CLOSURE AND I KNOW IT WAS NOT SOMETHING ONE HAS TO DO I GUESS IVE SEEN TO MANY MOVIES BUT THE ONE THING I AM MOST PROUD OF IS; IT WAS HER DEATH AND I WANTED HER TO HAVE IT HER WAY SO IF IT MEANT WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THEN WE DIDN'T YOU CANT PUT YOURSELF IN THOSE SHOES. I COULD NOT IMAGINE WHAT WOULD BEEN GOING THROUGH MY MIND IF THE SITUATION WAS REVERSE. I TOLD MYSELF THAT I WOULD WANT HER TO KNOW THINGS THAT WOULD GIVE HER COMFORT WHEN I WAS GONE BUT WHEN ITS YOU FACING THAT LIGHT AT THE END OF YOUR TUNNEL WHO TO SAY WHAT THE RIGHT WAY TO DIE IS. I KNEW IT WASN'T ME AT NIGHT WHEN I LAY IN BED THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT THE MOST DID I DO IT THE WAY SHE WANTED OR WAS I SO WORRIED ABOUT GETTING IT RIGHT THAT I DID IT WRONG 45 IS AN YOUNG AGE TO PROCESS DEATH AND TO KNOW ITS COMING WAS,I'M SURE THE HARDEST THING SHE EVER DEALT WITH AND TO DO IT IN SILENCE IS HARD TO IMAGINE. I DO FIND THAT STAYING BUSY IS VERY HELPFUL IT IS WHEN I AM IDLE THAT I GRIEVE OR WHEN I TALK ABOUT HER I CANT FIGHT BACK THE TEARS I SEE YOU GO TO A GROUP DOES IT REALLY HELP I DO NOT WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE ONCE A WEEK OR WHEN EVER I M AFRAID IT WILL BE LOOKED UPON AS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS THAT IM NOT ABLE TO GET A GRIP ON THE SITUATION AND IF I WAIT A LITTLE LONGER IT WILL GET easier i would like to be able to talk about her without crying i also would like to know if i did right by her and was it as nice as it could of been and if they can help with that then i guess 2 and 1/2 years is long enough to feel very very sad

thank you for your letter and yes that is why I moved to California to be closer to them my sister has a grand baby about a year old so i am the closest thing to her that she will ever know and I want her to have some kind of an idea what her grandma was like and by doing for that little girl the way Kathy would of makes me think she get a little peek at what it would of been even it she do not know it

cyndi

Dear Lizzie B. I am the one who is sorry I am way to sensitive when it comes to this matter and if talking to someone is half as therapeutic as these letter then yes its time I work hard to come off as a strong woman and in control that i did not want to be seen as if I were weak or that i couldn't handle this in some way asking for help is one thing I find very hard to do. So please except my apologies I would never say my nephews don't or didn't care i just they seem to handle it lot better then I and wish i was doing better with it, so that's why I'm so sensitive about the way I feel. all the thing people are saying, are all the things I know are true i have tried long enough on my own to help my self so I guess its time I let some one help me work through all this pain, I'm not sure how to go about getting help or even where to go but I am sure that I cant live like this foranothe 21/2 years Cyndi

That's wonderful. I hope you will always see a little bit of your sister in that little girl!

Dear Cyndi; I''m so sorry for your loss and your pain. People have a hard time knowing what to say to someone grieving, and so may hurt when they want to help. People most definitely do grieve in different ways and times; no one way is right. However, if your grief is keeping you from living your daily life, then you do need help dealing with it, and a counselor will help you find what you need to take control of your life again. It never really goes away, and sometimes it can flare up again with all the force of when it was new; it should get easier to deal with and begin to be something that is in the background of your thoughts. I lost my dad in a month to lung cancer over 25 years ago, and sometimes it just hits me with all the force of when it first happened. I cry and scream and ask why; it feels as if the grief pours out of a hole in a jug, and I feel lighter when it fades again. Asking for help is NOT being weak; it shows your STRENGTH by being willing to let someone in to your pain and help you find ways to cope. I think, since you said you had no mother and helped raise each other, that you both were closer to each other than most siblings are; you ARE grieving for yourself, possibly even more than for her, because you feel as if half of yourself is gone. Your desire to do things right for her is the important thing; not everyone is comfortable with talking about arrangements for their dying and death. You DID follow her wishes by listening to her and responding in the way she seemed to want you to. As for her funeral, funerals are really for those left behind, a chance to mark the passing of a loved one with ceremony and to have rituals to guide you in the public part of grief. Sorry, I can't seem to make clear what I mean, but I feel you did the best you could, better than anyone else could since you two were so close. It's good that you're looking to the living; giving her granddaughter and your nephews your love feels like you're giving them your sister through you, and that will just help everyone, including yourself. God bless you; keep love in your heart, get the help you need to keep your strength up for you and those you love, and post whenever you need to. We are here for you always.

Just know that there are people who embrace you and your pain. Your sister would not want to see the apin you are going through. She would want you tolive the life you have offered to you. Those days are numbered for each of us. Life your life as a compliment to your sister who had hers taken by a horrible disease. Help others who are hurting.

My heartfelt response to you Cyndi. Please know that your soul-mate is around you every time you think or speak of her. I can only support my statement by recommending you read Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch - he also wrote a marvellous book on The Afterlife. These are NOT religious books - they are spiritual. Tuck yourself up in a quiet corner with Book 1. The 3 books of the series speak of the universe as a whole and the relationship of energy to energy, for example, and they changed my life and my life experiences. I now am able to feel and see my dear Mum around me and, in fact, she helps me daily. There's another book "Trust Your Vibes" by Sonia Choquette - it's an easy read and will teach you how to get in touch with your 6th sense. Also, at the moment you feel that the pain will never go away. It will - one day you WILL be able to think of your sister with joy in your heart again, rather than pain...even if you don't read the books. In the meantime, call on universal help and look to UNUSUAL signs in Nature - things that happen that take your eye because they're 'not the norm' - particularly from birds, which are everywhere. For example, if you miss the signs, which are everywhere, a bird will even tap on your window to get your attention! Again, if you read "Birds - Divine Messengers" you will understand. There's also an excellent website "Inner Whispers" which is a way of being assured that what I speak of is very real. And finally, Cyndi, if you see the downy white feather of a bird at your feet, know that your sister is with you. xo "Step out in faith and signs will follow."

Dear Butterfly

thank you for your letter and i do know what you mean yes I hate to say but it is preventing me from daily activity's work guess deep down I know I need help dealing with this and you are right I miss her very and we were very close, plans we made for our golden years are gone are now gone I do fell anger towards the doctor for not being forthright from the beginning and telling her or me the truth we would of done something different from treatments all the anger I can deal with but I think you are right I miss her but maybe its what i got from her I miss the most. I never needed to have a best friend or go out of my way to make friends I had one. now there is that void. I think you are right it missing her but also missing what she bought to our friendship i miss there is a void im not sure how to fill also I lost my husband the same time and my job so I have felt lost I had the same job for 18 years and i didn't know that there is no such thing as medical leave of absents for siblings. I;m not sure what they expected me to do when I told them I had to have it off and they said no I had to let then fire me. so i guess I miss my job to and my husband of 12 years could not see why I had to be therewith her all the time all of the things that were happening around this very time only added to the hard ship we were already facing so yes it is 'I'm sure a little more I also got a big lesson in life the mighty dollar and lack there of to have a doctor refuse to help because we got behind on a bill is something I never thought I would see and to let a terminally patience sit in a waiting room for 3 hours before telling her you wont treat her and say if you were dieing of thirst in the desert and could not pay for water people would let you die so thing like that that did happen as bad as it sounds it did happen I had no idea that we actually treat people in this country like that and I could not fix that for her so it was a little more then we were ready for. I miss more then her i miss our life we had it left when she left . so i do need help dealing

thanks again cyndi

Thank you for your letter I will get the book i believe that my dad rides in the car with me and we talkal the time I do feel him there but kathy no nowhere but i will read the book thank you