Although she's not officially gone, she's not here...

My heart goes out to you.  I don't think we ever stop needing our mommies, so to speak.  I'm very close to my mom, and truthfully I soak in every bit of her mothering possible.  No matter how old I get, I think I'll continue to do that. 

I'll be thinking about you and hoping you still share some experiences that will turn into memories you'll cherish forever.

I am going through the same thing so I feel for you!! My mom has been going through the nasty mean stage of demensia and it gets harder and harder for me to go see her because I wanted to remember her the way she was and not the way she has become. I feel guilt most of the time and don't know what or which way to turn. Guilty if I don't go see her and cry like a baby after I do see her because she doesn't know who I am and she looks at me with this look of almost hatred or ????

Those of us in your shoes understand how hard this is. There is nothing that can 'fix' this aspect of the disease process. I want to encourage you to make time to connect to with others who can give support & encouragement to you. This online stuff is great and has been such a good thing for me but if you have family or friends close enough to see in person nothing beats a hug in person. You are going to need more emotional support than normal & probably not all from one person. I will keep you in my prayers and am sending a digital hug....did you fell it :-)?

I am so sorry to hear what you are coping with. I am at this stage as well & it is very difficult, I do better some days than others. A week ago I had my first experience with my mother getting mad when I called her 'Mom'. I have been trying to change what I call her but she slips in & out of the present so often I am just as likely to make her mad if I don't call her 'Mom'. I am finding I have to keep a sense of humor about it if at all possible & honestly I can't all the time but I do try. Friends & family are a big help and I hope you have them available to you.

I am at the same point of wishing I had a mom talk to. She does not know who her children are and she has become very mean and nasty to not just us her kids, but to the whole world. That's just not who my mom was. Its hard to watch and its like telling a little child not to be mean to those who are trying to help her. She has no clue, an its certainly not her fault. I believe anonymous up there is my sister and I know she feels about like i do. I don't want to not go visit her, but when I get there my stomach is sick and when I leave my stomach is sick . So I am pretty much sick all the time. So many people have this mean dementia and it certainly gets worse before it gets any better.

Many will have the following: "As the dementia progresses, the mental reality regresses." Thus your mom's reality may be when she was 34 years old (or other). Must communicate at their reality stage. When you discover that age, then try showing a picture of yourself during that time, and state that your daughter (Your name) really loves you, etc. Many times the person with dementia will react in a positive manner. If your mom's reality is a younger age, then she will see you at the age you were. She won't know you at the age you are - may see you as a stranger and threat which could cause outburst of fear, anger and other acts.

Sister, welcome to the awful club. My mom was a horrible person all my life, just mean, nasty, an alcoholic and drug addict. She found total sobriety at the age of 77, we had 8 good years, we got to know and love each other, traveled, visited, cooked, shopped- it was like a dream come true, and then Alzheimers took her. For the past 6 years she has slipped farther and farther, now she basically just stares and mumbles. Aricept and Nemenda gave us back about 4 years, but the end is nearing. No one can understand how much I miss her, not because I needed her, I needed her as a kid and she was gone, but as a friend, a confidant, a road warrior, I could tell her anything and she kept it secret. Knowing who she was and seeing who she is is awful, I know she would hate it. I was cleaning out her stuff and there was this hand written note, it said "pray its not Alzheimer's"-- I cried for days. She was so afraid of that, and then she got it. I see things she would love, like barbecues and political news and juicy gossip in the tabloids and I turn and she's not there. She's physically there but that is all. This is agonzing, I don't wish her dead, but I don't wish her to live like this, I want her back. I lost the little old lady in tennis shoes that most people get, she went from brown haired and feisty to fetal and drooly. It is an endless torture for me and although she doesn't KNOW she's gone, I know how she felt and she would not have wanted to live like this. My prayers are with you.

I love this answer and it is true. If you can find the age they are living in then you may able to connect. It can be like a game. Bring in old pictures and see if you any reaction. If you do, talk to her as tho that is today's reality.

My family brought in digital photo that shows pictures, and hundreds of them , of kids, grandkids, old days, her parents , her brother and sister, just about everything. She has a picture of her 7 daughters on the wall, she will look at it and then she will look at you and ask who you are and i will say you tell me mom who I am. Then she will search again for the right one, and its usually not right. None of the pictures are familiar to her. I think its the meaness that is so shocking and she is combative, and she will hit ( not hard, or slap) not just her kids but other people. Or just scream at you for no reason. If you tell her you feel bad, she always says, Oh i'm just kidding. Its kinda in and out of reality. She was such a good person and kind and its the meaness thats really shocking for everyone. Sometimes I think it may be all the anger she held inside for so many years its all coming out now that she has no inhabitions with her condition. Anything goes with her . If she sees a fat person, she'll shout out , look at the fat woman. very imbarrassing sometimes, gotta love em though.

Thank you so much for your kind words and hug. I appreciate you very, very much.

You are welcome, daughter love. I think we are all trying t do the best we can and sometimes we wonder if we are. I think all you can do is love them and whatever is in their minds is a result of their illness and certainly not their fault.

Your letter reflects my circumstance, very closely. I know exactly how you feel. I am 52, Mom is 83.....she was a great comfort to me in so many ways. Now, I am the Mom and she is the daughter.
I am going back to work, after spending 3 months with her everyday. I am uncomfortable leaving her alone, but she doesn't feel she needs any babysitter! She is okay sometimes, but sometimes I look in her eyes and they are vacant. It hurts like hell, to see her decline like that. I promised her that I would never put her in a home, but......the reality is I need to work and............Even though she is not at that point right now, after the next fall or injury, who knows? Hearing others having the same feelings helps me to know that I am not going insane, I guess.

you are certainly not going insane, and yet there are days you are insane with the insanity of this disease. It can actually make you crazy and at times my sisters and I have a hard time keeping the sanity of it cause there are many opinions on what is right and what is wrong to do for her. Do we let her sit in the nursing home and not visit cause she doesn't know who wer are anyway or do we take her and then she is confused as to where she is or where shes going. Its a crazy thing that is for sure. If only you could see into their minds and look at how they are seeing the world in their new life here at the end. If only. What is the answer? There is none. Its what you feel is right for you. And try not to feel the guilt. We didn't give her this disease and we should not have to feel guilty for then having it. Many questions to be asked when we stand be fore out maker. I know there are trials in the world that make you stronger and better, but if I got to pick, this is not one of them. Hang in there, hopefully they can go to sleep and that is how they will leave this world.

LeBecky-I have started to pray for that. Please take her soon, before it gets worse. Thank you for your support and I pray you find peace as well.

Its okay to pray for that. It would be so good for them to just go in their sleep and not have to suffer this world anymore. If it were me, thats how I would choose. I could find peace in that. But I don't want my mom to be alone when she goes. I want her to be at someones house, not with strangers who don't know her like we do. At a sisters house, or my house or anywhere that someone is with her. that is what I pray for.

If you could not do something that you had always been able to do, would this frustrate you? The anger may or may not been directed at you. The regression of reality leaves the person as a child with no inhibitions - calling out at people, entering a room with no clothes on, etc. I went through all this with my Dad and now with families going through this. The caregiver in many cases will go down before the patient. If it isn't hurting your loved one, or you or others - let it go for everyones health (I mean such things as not knowing who is in the picture, different colored socks, etc.) Your loved one may seem to be "just there", but she is still very present and struggling to communicate. They sense, feel and know when a back is being turned on them.

Love them in their reality and they will love you back. It is different than what we would like, but it isn't about us. Now before you lay a guilt trip on yourself - I stated it is not about us, but you must take care of yourself - thus it is also about you. The balancing is an adventure of choices!

Its just that my mom had alot of anger held inside from a marriage that was terrible to my father and was bad for her and her children. I just wondered, and I do alot of that, because it interests me how the mind works and everyone has their own anaylsis of whats going on in the persons mind, even the doctors. Yeah , I get frustrated to when I don't remember . and it scares me it is hereditary. I just wondered one day if all the anger that has been held inside is finally coming out in its own way. Not a bad thing if you had lived our life. My father died about a year and a half ago, and his children were the last thing he wanted to be around him. Even though we always tried to be good daughters and my mom lavished on my father and all that, he was and clear to the end an ass. I loved him only because he was the sperm doner to my mom and had all these kids he could have cared less about. She raised us and took his crap for many years and then married two other jerks. She was a good woman and deserved to have a good life and she lived in hell. I don't know which husband was the worse. but I know she always loved my dad. No one except my one sister wanted to take care of him when he got cancer and I was certainly not going to get called names by him anymore so I stayed away and my sister said it was okay , she was doing it for my mom cause my mom would have taken care of him. I took over one night or my sister and the next morning my sister and I were talking and he told us to shut up and quit laughing. I told my sister to go tell him to shut up cause who was taking care of him and he should appreciate us even though we know he didn't. She left and he had a massive stroke with me there by myself and i shook him till he came back to life and he lived for about another day and a half. He never spoke again. and I now have PTSD from watching him die a horrible death in the last two days I was there. He was an ass and I wish to this day I had never gone there and been there alone. I ended up in the hospital two times after having nightmares about this man who was so mean to my mom and his children. I know my mom had so much anger for him . He married a woman who had money and he could do anything while my mom raised us on nothing and not once did he ever say he was sorry. I just think her anger got her at the end and sometime before she got dementia she was very angry and sad about how her life had turned out.

I do feel for you. I put my mother in law to rest on Saturday. She died of respitory distress. We took her into our household with her sister with Dementia. We lost both of them this summer. The Aunt from stroke. It has been a rough summer. I am especially having a hard time with the passing of my mother in law because she became my child as I did everything for her. From April i had the advantage of having hospice help me in the morning. Ethel was in her 'right' mind, she held conversations to the end and asked for my sons before passing. I miss her terribly and the only thing that makes me feel better is looking threw her photo albums to see how happy she was in the past with her spouse, family members. She was one of a kind.. Im lucky to have been a part of her life. I know that she is at rest, no more pain but feel so selfish because I miss her.

Feel your feelings - don't let anyone, including yourself, take those feelings away. They (there will be more) will pass when it is time. I was told all the old little quotes when my mom died - she's in a better place, she's better off, etc. - and "Its time for you to get over it and get on with your life" which didn't help me and my feelings - just added anger and guilt. Again, "FEEL YOUR FEELINGS AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO TRULY FEEL THEM." I have learned to not just think your feelings, but SPEAK them. If you have someone you feel "safe" with to express your feelings - do it. If not, speak them out to yourself.

You made two comments in your reply - everyone wants to express what going on in your mind and hereditary scares you. We are all different, thus each of our minds will be different to a degree, and the hereditary factor for so called Alzheimer's is less than 15 percent. I choose to think in my case that I have an 85 percent chance of not inheriting what my dad was diagnosed with - Alzheimer's.

I will not compare my life with yours and diminish the pain you have felt and still feel. It must hurt and bother you still and I am truly sorry for that. My dad was mentally abusive to my mom, my brothers and me. Anything we did was never good enough, and on and on and on. I will not tell you that I know how you feel, because I don't - only you know those feelings: just like you can't tell me you know how i feel. I can say we should feel and express our feelings without anyone telling us how. No one has the right to tell us how and how long we can feel. Until next time - hang in there.

i can totally sympathize with you, I am in the same situation with a spouse of 43 years. I cannot stop crying and grieving. It is a terrible thing to have a living death like Alzheimer's/Dementia. I send my hugs and prayers to you.

DEAR WITS END, IT IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WATCH. IT IS HARD TO TAKE CARE OF. IT IS JUST DAMN PLAIN OLD HARD. MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU. ARE YOU DOING THIS ALONE/? DO YOU HAVE ANY HELP? DO YOU GET ANY RESPITE , LIKE TO JUST GET OUT AND GET AWAY FROM IT FOR A FEW HOURS OR A DAY? WHAT DO YOU GET TO DO FOR YOU? LOTS OF CAREGIVERS GROUPS, LOTS OF HELP FOR A FEW HOURS IF YOU NEED IT. JUST GOTTA FIND THE RIGHT PLACES. THAT HELPS, DOESN'T TAKE AWAY THE CRAPPYNESS OF IT BUT IT HELPS. WRITE AND LET US KNOW OF YOUR SITUATION. IT WILL HELP TO LET IT OUT AND YOU MAY GET SOME IDEAS FOR SOME HELP. YOU DESERVE A BIG HUG CAUSE WE ALL NEED THEM.

Thanks for a caring response. It is something we all need. I am in the process of getting help for routine household chores. my spouse in in a long term facility. I see him regularly and each time it is just as hard. i know he would not want to live like this but it is in God's hands. A quick and painless death would be a blessing, but we cannot choose how we live or die.