'A dying parent' posted by ennaid @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ennaid — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 05:52:52 -0000

My mom has vascular dementia, which has worsened during the 4 years I've cared for her in my home. She fell a month ago and had to have a partial hip replacement. She's in a rehab facility now but told me 3 times tonight that she just can't live like this anymore (hurting from the surgery + skin tears + post-stroke neuropathy making normal touch painful). It's so hard for me to think of telling her it's okay to let go. Don't know if she'll even understand me. I've always thought the dying may think no one cares about them anymore upon hearing this. It's helpful to read what others have added -- that they'll miss the person terribly but will take care of each other and be okay.

'A dying parent' posted by solveig @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

solveig — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 17:48:23 -0000

Here is a different one: A good friend of mine with a great sense of humor was dying of ovarian cancer. It was slow going and towards the end she was in a coma, unresponsive, etc. Her husband (who adored her) and children were by her bed and he wispered to her: "it's o.k. sweetheart, you can go now, we'll be fine, etc." over and over. At one point she opened her eyes and with a twinkle said: ""Now, be patient, I am not ready to go yet!!" which made everyone in the bedroom laugh out loud. Then she said: "That's better" and slipped back. She died 3 days later Without saying another word.

'A dying parent' posted by mumandi @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mumandi — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 15:18:20 -0000

your words filled my heart and soul, you have written about your parents and your family wonderfully you are so loved by them all that is the blessing to be held in your heart for ever, you are blessed, may your love of your family last you a life time and your daughter feels them thats wonderful never stop that feeling of her feeling them also.

thank you for taking the time to write to the world of your amazing love of life and death.

regards Ruth

'A dying parent' posted by Snowbirds @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Snowbirds — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 11:38:22 -0000

This is the way my mom is. I was taught they can't leave until they complete all they were meant to. Mom lived a good life and wants to be with my dad and brother. Know she is not living a good life and don't think they can help her anymore. Turned her over to the Lord. We are travelers and try to be there for her as much as possible. She is in good care as I am alone and could not take proper care of her so as the nurses remind me to live our lives to the fullest in her honor. Miss her but her body is still here. Told the lord she is ready when he is. May god help your mom and grandmother. Know exactly as you feel. Wish I knew the answer but the lord is charge of her right now. All I can do.

'A dying parent' posted by kim.elliott27 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

kim.elliott27 — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 23:00:35 -0000

Wow, that's truly amazing. It's a blessing to know they are together. I also glad that you are able to get back to living your life even though you miss them.

'A dying parent' posted by vonbook @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

vonbook — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 18:49:06 -0000

Hi, Kim:

Thanks for asking! Actually, my dad did pass away at around 8:30 am on Jan. 2 of this year. He was going through such a hard time with his illness--and I knew it was because he missed my mom so much (they were married for 52 years) and couldn't bear to be without her. And honestly, I empathized with him and couldn't blame him. On Christmas day, we had some quiet time where I prayed over him while he was resting and gently told him that it was okay to cross over if he was tired--it was an awkward thing to bring up at first, but I believe God gave me the right words to say. I'm sure the whole experience (from the illness to the crossing over process) was frightening for him, and I felt so helpless. I just wanted to pray for him to help give him whatever peace he could.

The next morning, the nurse called & said that his condition was deteriorating, so I came over and spent the remaining days at his side. That was a Tuesday, I believe; he finally passed that Sunday morning. As the days passed, he'd become increasingly unintelligible and then slipped into unresponsiveness during the last couple of days. I just held his hand, talked to him, prayed with him & overall made sure he was as comfortable as possible.

Around 8:30 that Sunday morning, I was on the phone w/ my cousin in VA, we were talking about his impending passing when suddenly the phone went haywire with a series of electronic clicks & beeps--and then the call dropped. We didn't know what happened--and then I got the call from the nursing home that my dad had passed.

The estimated time of death: 8:30 am. I know that was his spirit saying goodbye to us over the phone! :)

A few other interesting happenings:

--A few weeks before, I was so stressed out by the overall situation, I sat on my bed one evening just crying, praying, rocking back & forth--I was at my wits' end when I swear, a voice popped into my head out of nowhere, strong--and said, "Just hang on until the New Year." It was so strong I literally stopped and was like, "WTH?!?" LOL. I'd never experienced anything like that--I knew there was something to it, and a calmness washed over me. My dad passed on Jan. 2.

--Also, as he passed on Jan. 2, his funeral wound up being on Jan. 8. The significance of that date? It was the exact one-year anniversary of my MOM'S passing. (They are now buried side by side.)

--The night before his funeral, I had a dream: My parents at their former home, on a beautiful, warm spring day, both of them relaxing in their respective favorite chairs in the living room. My dad was extra jovial (he was usually very stoic, quiet & serious)--and was completely healed of his illness, in great health. I immediately knew I was dreaming & smiled because I knew it was a message that they were together & at peace.

But wait, it gets better! When I woke up that morning, my 4 year old daughter comes in the room and says, "Mommy--I had a dream about Grandma and Pop-Pop!" I said, "Really?" and got excited, lol. She replied, "Yes--they were at their wedding! There was a big party, and they just danced and danced." I asked, "Were they young in the dream?" My daughter replied softly, "They were NEW, Mommy. They were new."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. Well, no, actually not really--it was just more evidence of what I already knew--that they were finally at peace, together, and free from illness. That's why at the end, I was at peace myself and although I miss them, of course--not sad. Happy, actually.

None of these things (not even his funeral corresponding w/ her death anniversary) are a coincidence. There IS a higher power, regardless of anyone's beliefs (which we all have a right to, BTW). But I know what I know. It's taught me that it's not "death," so much as TRANSITION--and that we all at some point merely move from one physical plane to another spiritual plane. But our energy remains. I don't have physical access to them for the time being, but their spirits are still with us always. And, I keep in mind the fact that this is all temporary--we've all gotta go sometime, and then we'll be reunited with our loved ones, together again. :)

'A dying parent' posted by kim.elliott27 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

kim.elliott27 — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:32:49 -0000

Vonbook, since your post was six months ago, it is unknown if your father is still alive. If so, I am truly sorry you are going through this alone. I am in a caregiving situation as an only child even though I have a sister. She is in another state and wishes she could help. So she serves as my venting partner. What I want to express to you is that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if your father is seeing your mom and other deceased loved ones, he is in process of crossing-over. Since his mental state is declining, it is very frightening for him to see these people.

'A dying parent' posted by vbdonato @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

vbdonato — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 02:26:56 -0000

My dad was recently diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and is getting weak. To say my dad is my hero is not enough, I love this man with every breath and I married a man just like him. I had to tell my dad that I would take care of my mom and everything would be okay. My dad is a strong man and to see him cry is killing me, but I will do whatever it takes to make him comfortable and secure in his last months of life, although I am hoping for years. I never thought I would have to deal with this type of loss with my father, but being with him at this time is something I would never change. My prayers and thoughts go out to anyone dealing with a loved one with cancer, it is a burden that should never be carrier by anyone.

'A dying parent' posted by jmhoyt @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

jmhoyt — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 14:00:43 -0000

It may not be time for you to tell him it is ok to die he may not be ready to realize this. It is important for you, and him, to spend good time with him-not time "helping" out but just hanging out. When it is time he will let you know! Be sure to let him know how you feel about him and how you feel about him as a Father. You don't want to have regrets. My Mom died on Halloween and she also had some dimentia but she told me a few hours before she was to pass that all her afflictions would be gone soon. My Father-in-law died of cancer a couple years ago and it was sort of the same with him. My thoughts are with you. This is a difficult time.

'A dying parent' posted by vonbook @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

vonbook — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 15:41:47 -0000

Thanks for the kind words, Amy--and for the prayer! Although I'm sorry you lost your mom, not to sound cliched but she really IS at peace now--that's what keeps me going when I miss my mom. :) As for my dad, I have to just keep reminding myself that he does indeed just enjoy me being there, and I don't have to always talk a mile a minute to have a connection with somebody. Maybe it's a thing of remembering that we're different individuals with different personalities and ways of doing things.

All in all, I'm just praying right now that he gets peace and comes to terms with things in his own way if he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about it--and for me, the insight to just be there for him in the best way possible for him.

'A dying parent' posted by Amy Gdala @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Amy Gdala — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 20:53:46 -0000

vonbook,

All these things you're going through with your Dad sound very much like my experience with my Mother. Even though things are not as good as you'd like between the two of you, rest assured you are doing him a world of good by just being there with him. This is such a difficult time for him and for you, too.

We, as caregivers, want to do something, anything, to help. Unfortunately, sometimes these attempts to help do not always work. Also, we need to understand what is going on with our loved ones. Medical people and others can give us generalizations but they don't know any more than we do when it comes to absolute answers. All this leaves us feeling helpless. We all do the best we can and have to believe we are doing a good thing. It's so tough.

I wrote my original message about my Mother several months ago when she was in really bad shape and I was desperate. As I look at it now, I can see she was nearing the end. She passed away April 9th. I learned a lot about life, love, my Mother and myself during the seven months I was her sole caregiver. The experience changed me forever and there is a hole in my heart that can never be filled now that my Mother is gone.

Bless you and your Dad. Amy

'A dying parent' posted by vonbook @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

vonbook — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 20:29:53 -0000

Dear Amy,

I feel your pain--alas, I wish these words worked with my dad, also. He suffers from a rare, terminal neurological illness called Multiple System Atrophy (MSA) and has been in a nursing home for months after my mom's passing in January, bedridden with an ever-decreasing mental capacity. For the past few weeks, he's really started going downhill, refusing to eat, sleeping most of the time, seeing visions of my dead mom & other relatives--when he does speak, most of the time it's barely audible and makes no sense. On top of that, his hearing is bad (he refuses to wear his hearing aid, though)--so effective communication between the two of us is practically nil.

He still has his reading comprehension, so I decided to write him a little "I love you, it's okay to go" note. He promptly accused me of suggesting that he kill himself. I tried to explain, but he just didn't get it. So, I gave up, feeling dismayed. My dad and I have had a long history of not-so-good communication--even though he was physically present all my life, he was a man of few words to anyone, very passive and didn't really get involved in life at all (except for work). I'm an only child, so it's really just me & him since my mom's death (most of his relatives don't come by or inquire about his well-being, just his assets)--and it's been really hard, especially in the communication department--things have always been kind of awkward between us.

At this point, I don't really know what else to say, as my attempt kind of backfired on me. Since he doesn't really talk, he's pretty content with me just coming through, sitting there and being with him--so that's what I'll focus on, I guess.

'A dying parent' posted by mostlyharmless @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mostlyharmless — Wed, 26 May 2010 18:05:54 -0000

My father has chronic lymphocytic leukemia. You can supposedly go on for 30 year with it but his oncologist recently told me she thinks he has a year, maybe a little more, but could be as little as 3 months. He has been in and out of skilled nursing and hospitals for the last year. Right now he is in respite, paid for by the VA, for 30 more days of rehab. The VA will need to evaluate him next week and this 3 months to a year issue will need to come up. I asked Dad's oncologist if she had spoken to him about it and she has not. I really need to prepare him before this comes up at the evaluation but I don't know how. Does anyone have any advice on how I can tell him something like this?

'A dying parent' posted by mmgregory @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

mmgregory — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 02:36:16 -0000

hello and thank you all for sharing your stories. i work in a hospice facility and have been there almost 6 weeks. before that i was doing in home hospice. i can say i have seen people go within minutes of being told its ok to pass. in home or in a facility death can be joyous. most of my patients have Alzheimer's and for the family the relief is visible. i got to work with a family for a very long time as 'mom' deteriorated. i saw the son 3 months after her passing and he looked great. he was sleeping and eating and had found a religion. the funny thing was the whole time i cared for her she nagged him to take better care of himself and go to services. the drain on him of caring for her almost did him in; but her death was dignified and peaceful. this is not an easy thing to discus but i urge you to talk to the grief councilors. they can help you in more ways then you could imagine. get to know your nurses and aides, they too can provide comfort to you and your loved ones. don't be afraid to take time off of work to be with your loved one, the economy will rebound but you will not get that time back. and make arraignments now while you can, with a clear head about what you want and make those wishes known, my mother just turned 55 and my father is 56 and both have wills and directives and we have had talks about driving and they are in perfect health. i hope this brings you comfort and your journeys are peaceful and calm

'A dying parent' posted by catclaussen12 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

catclaussen12 — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 18:29:11 -0000

My dad is dying of prostate cancer that has moved into the bone and lymph nodes. I just turned thirty years old, and it is as if my legs have been cut out from under me. Crissy, my best advice to you is to just say it. I think my doing this, you allow yourself and your dying parent a sense of peace and comfort. I wish I could give you better advice, but it is all I know at this time. I have started a blog to try and come to terms with all of these emotions I am feeling. I encourage everyone to join and share their feelings.

http://agirlandherfather.blogspot.com/

'A dying parent' posted by Lpizzonia @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Lpizzonia — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 16:26:56 -0000

Amy, I am so sorry you are going through the same thing. I have watched my mothers health deteriorate to the point of being hospitalized and almost dying herself. There seems to be no greater stress than caring for a loved one. And just waiting for someone to pass when you know that is all they want really makes you question everything you believe. I will keep you in my prayers.

'A dying parent' posted by Amy Gdala @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Amy Gdala — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 15:55:55 -0000

Lpizzonia,

I understand. As you can read in my post in this thread, I am in the same situation with my Mother. It is horrible for her and for all her family to see her struggle. But she struggles on. I don't know what to do.

'A dying parent' posted by Lpizzonia @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Lpizzonia — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 15:28:28 -0000

My grandmother is 97 and dying, but very slowly. My mother has been caring for her for 4 years. She has sacrificed every aspect of her life to do this. We are at a place now where my grandmother is confused, demanding and uncooperative. She is tired and wants to die. My mother is at peace with her death and has told her it is ok to go now. But nothing. My grandmother is suffering, my mother is exhausted and frustrated. We have prayed and prayed to no avail. Does anyone have advice or wisdom?

'A dying parent' posted by TechieSidhe @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

TechieSidhe — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 17:36:02 -0000

My grandma died of GBM - Stage 4 Brain Cancer - 5 months ago. Hospice told all 4 of her kids that they needed to tell her they'd be okay and she could go be with her husband and her sister.

The last words I told her were that even though the family's nuts, they're all going to be okay, that I'm going to be okay, and that I'd make sure they behaved, and it was okay to go be with her family whenever she wanted to go. I told her where she was going was more awesome than anything she'd seen on Earth, and if the angels came, she could go with them.

She left two days later to go play bingo in heaven. We know this because people in our family have been having dreams of her saying she was going to play with her sister.

'A dying parent' posted by LC060907 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

LC060907 — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:37:00 -0000

My dad is also nearing the end. He is 63 and has Stage IV gastric cancer that has really sent him down hill quickly in the last 2 months. I have been through this before with my mother-in-law and her daughter that was only 14 at the time had to tell her mom it was okay to die. Sometimes they have to hear this from certain people in order to let go. Let him know not to be scared that where he is going is the utlimate place to be. He will be free of all negative feelings and everything that he's ever wanted to do will come to him. I am not scared for my dad to die because I know where he is going is with GOD. You don't need a script just go to him and tell him that it will be okay and words will come to you. Be strong you can do it and remember that your dad is going to an awesome place.

'A dying parent' posted by Catlady1959 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Catlady1959 — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:20:53 -0000

cwelzy--I'm so sorry for your loss...stay close to this site as there are many comforting people to lean on. You and your family will be in our prayers.

'A dying parent' posted by cwelzy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cwelzy — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 20:52:31 -0000

Dear Chrissy....

My husband died less than 2 weeks ago in a hospice facility.

He was struggling so hard. I finally whispered in his ear, "It's okay, you don't have to try anymore." and he was gone in less than 5 min.s.

Hardest thing I ever did but I know he was trying to hang on for me, his daughter and grand daughter who were all with him.

It hurts really badly cause I sure miss him and would rather him here with me but there was no way he needed to suffer anymore.

God Bless you...

'A dying parent' posted by Catlady1959 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Catlady1959 — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 20:51:16 -0000

Crissy.....I'm so very sorry to hear that your father is nearing the end. I lost my father in Dec 09, whom I was very close to, only six short weeks after we were told he had Stage 4 lung cancer that had metastisized to the bone and had 12-15 months to live. It was the quickest 6 weeks I've ever lived and was gone with a blink of the eye. All you can do is to say what needs to be said....that you love him very much, will miss him, and will take care of each other (whom ever he is leaving). We promised my Dad that we would take care of my Mother and that she would be OK. We told him that we would miss him very much but that we would one day be together. We reminded him of the poem "The Bridge" and told him to take care of Lady, his 14-year old cocker spaniel that died the month before. We told him that we would all be together one day and that the "broken chain" would be whole again. Ensure he has enough pain medication to keep him comfortable and don't be afraid to cry in front of him--hug him a lot! I'll be praying for you and your father......may god bless you all.

'A dying parent' posted by Amy Gdala @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Amy Gdala — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 20:28:22 -0000

My Mother is going through a protracted period of terminal agitation. She has COPD/emphysema. Her agitation manifests itself in an unending, panicky desire to go home. She has lived with me for six months because she was too sick to live alone and moving her into my home was the only option. When she is not drugged into a stupored sleep, I tell her all the things that have been suggested here. We love you. We will be all right. It is ok to stop struggling. You can go and be with Daddy in heaven. And the classic, it is ok to go. I'll bet you can't guess how she interprets "It's ok to go." That's right! She takes that comment as permission to leave my house and go back to her home, and she starts putting her things into a bag, grabbing her purse and her keys and begging me to let her go. She is so weak she cannot stand, but she thinks she can leave and go back home. Then she literally freaks out when I have to tell her she cannot go back to her home. She cries, she struggles, she lashes out at me. Oh how I wish these magic words would work on my Mother. Her suffering is unbearable for her and her family. But so far I can't figure out what to say or what's keeping her here. Before anyone suggests it, taking her back to her home is not possible. It isn't there any more.

'A dying parent' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 17:11:25 -0000

It's so important to remember that you and your parent are on parallel journeys. But, if only for a moment you are able to walk hand-in-hand with them, you will know what to say. The words you speak will come from your heart and will flow to their's. You'll find yourself releasing them to move on while offering them peace in the assurance that you'll fulfill the gift of life they gave you. Your understanding of the circle of life will never be more real and may leave you in a wiser place.

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