Oh Crissy!  *hugs*

I'm so sorry for you and your family.  I've been through this with my father-in-law who had terminal lung cancer, and we knew for months that he was going to die.

As his journey progressed and he was truly unwell, we had this very discussion with him.  To be honest, I don't remember the exact words but it went something like, "We love you so much and know how hard this is for you.  We want peace for you and the pain to go away.  So we just want you to know that we'll all be okay.  We'll always be here for mom.  We'll always be here for each other.  It's okay for you to go.  We'll miss you terribly.  We'll think of you every day."

As I write this, I'm tearing up thinking about it and it was more than 6 years ago.  We cried a lot during this pretty short conversation and my father-in-law didn't respond much other than nodding.  Over the next two weeks he deteriorated dramatically and during times when we knew he was in severe pain or not "with it" we'd remind him "It's okay, dad.  We love you and will miss you, but it's okay.  We WILL be okay." 

It was so hard.  Again, I'm so sorry.  Please keep us updated. 

Oh, Crissy. I'm so sorry. It's the hardest thing in the world, isn't it?

I told my father the same thing - not to try to hold on just for us - that he'd always be with us, and he has been. My grandmother had to tell my grandfather this just a couple of weeks ago, and as soon as she told him it was ok to go, he went and his pain was gone and he was at peace. It's hard, I know it's hard. Just take his hand and say it, with love.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Hi Crissy,

I think Laura and Missy said it exactly right.  And I know that I've said something similar myself both to my mom and to the mom's of a couple of friends.  It seems like there is never a right moment to say it, and for me I felt so much resistance, but at some moment I was just able to get out of my brain which was spinning in circles, and talk from my heart - and it sort of didn't matter what the exact words were.  Let us know how it goes. 

My father died of cancer about 7 years ago.  I had a very close relationship with my dad for a long time (all of my adult life since about 16) although when I was young he he worked alot.  He was a friend as well as my dad and a very nice man.  After he was diagnosed, he only had about six weeks before he died.   We had hospice come in -but contrary to what most people say about hospice, to some extent it felt like an intrusion to have stangers come into our family at a time like that.  Anyway, my dad didn't really want to 'go' but he seemed to recognize it was happening.  The last week he fell down, and after that he was sort of unable to communicate with us.  It was hard to know what he understood from us or how much pain he was in.  However, on the last day, we knew it wouldn't be much longer and somehow I ended up alone in the room with him.  I don't know why I said this but I told him we would take care of mom and that it was ok for him to go.  I know he understood because he sort of reached up his hand toward me.  I told him he had been a great dad (he really was..) and not to worry.  Oddly enough he died about 1/2 hour later.  Now I am taking care of my mom with her dementia and it is 7 years later.  It is a very different way to lose someone when they 'go' slowly and are sort of here but not in the same way.   Yet all of it is strangely 'special'.  For I love my parents deeply and no matter what causes their distress, it just seems like the right thing to do to help them out as they helped me so much.  I am now glad I had that last conversation with my dad but at that time I did not know that would ever read a string of conversations about it.  It is a nice thing to do...reassure someone when they are dying...but I would not have known that then.  Mostly I just wanted to reassure my dad that we would look after mom because he had for all those years and I didn't want him to worry about it.  I feel fortunate to have had a great dad and sometimes I think about 'what he would say' in some situations.  It seems to me like the people you love the most always stay with you, whether they are alive or passed...to you they are alive regardless.

Janine, that was so beautifully put.  I often think about what my deceased loved one would say in any given situation.  You're so right in that they are alive in my heart.  If ever I have the opportunity to have the type of conversation I had with my father-in-law again, I'm adding this to my repetoire.  I can't imagine it being anything but comforting to know you'll live on long after your body gives out.

It is very difficult to tell someone you love that it is okay for them to die.  However, I have cared for a lot of loved ones who have died and the most important thing for them to know is that their loved ones will be okay. 

Thank you for your insight, sadrn. I believe that is true, too.

Reading what you wrote really  has helped me with the  news of my father's cancer getting worse. He's been battling  lung cancer for years and now its spreading to other parts of the body. He has been fighting this cancer for years. In fact, we were told a year ago exactly this month that he had about 6 months but with treatment hes lived longer. He has the will to live and is a very strong man. Unfortunately, this is a very aggressive cancer. It's funny the way life works because my father- inlaw tookhis life on New Years Eve and my father has been fighting for his. God has truly been great to us because he could've have died years ago and I prayed alot last year wwwhen My grandfather died in March of 08 we got the news of my fathers cancer getting worse so I prayed and prayed to please not let ihim die  the same year as my grandfather. The year just passed and my father is still alive so I have that to thank him for.  I will take your advice and when things get worse I will let him know that we will be okay and he can go in peace and not to worry about us.

Hi Prettymoe11,   I think that's right.   At some point your father will be ready.  Enough pain, enough fighting, all of it...  then you can help by letting him go easily and quickly.  Its interesting about what you said about them not dying in the same year.  A close friend lost her mom, then her husband, then her father had a heart attack near the end.  She said to him right up front.... "I can't bear for you to go now, please give me 6 months".....and you know what - he did.

Good luck!

My dad died 10 years ago after a long illness.  I lived far away and couldn't run home at the drop of a hat.  However, a friend of mother's told her that he thought it was time to call me.  After flying in late one night, I saw him the next morning and after a hug I told him that I was there "to help him finish."  He said he couldn't die because he had too much to do so I suggested that we make a list.  He could think of only three things, which I took care of that day.  The next morning I reported to him that everything was done and he died very quietly about four hours later.  It was a peaceful ending for both of us.

It will be easy to say the words when the time is right.

Go in peace.