A dying parent

Oh Crissy!  *hugs*

I'm so sorry for you and your family.  I've been through this with my father-in-law who had terminal lung cancer, and we knew for months that he was going to die.

As his journey progressed and he was truly unwell, we had this very discussion with him.  To be honest, I don't remember the exact words but it went something like, "We love you so much and know how hard this is for you.  We want peace for you and the pain to go away.  So we just want you to know that we'll all be okay.  We'll always be here for mom.  We'll always be here for each other.  It's okay for you to go.  We'll miss you terribly.  We'll think of you every day."

As I write this, I'm tearing up thinking about it and it was more than 6 years ago.  We cried a lot during this pretty short conversation and my father-in-law didn't respond much other than nodding.  Over the next two weeks he deteriorated dramatically and during times when we knew he was in severe pain or not "with it" we'd remind him "It's okay, dad.  We love you and will miss you, but it's okay.  We WILL be okay." 

It was so hard.  Again, I'm so sorry.  Please keep us updated. 

Oh, Crissy. I'm so sorry. It's the hardest thing in the world, isn't it?

I told my father the same thing - not to try to hold on just for us - that he'd always be with us, and he has been. My grandmother had to tell my grandfather this just a couple of weeks ago, and as soon as she told him it was ok to go, he went and his pain was gone and he was at peace. It's hard, I know it's hard. Just take his hand and say it, with love.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Hi Crissy,

I think Laura and Missy said it exactly right.  And I know that I've said something similar myself both to my mom and to the mom's of a couple of friends.  It seems like there is never a right moment to say it, and for me I felt so much resistance, but at some moment I was just able to get out of my brain which was spinning in circles, and talk from my heart - and it sort of didn't matter what the exact words were.  Let us know how it goes. 

My father died of cancer about 7 years ago.  I had a very close relationship with my dad for a long time (all of my adult life since about 16) although when I was young he he worked alot.  He was a friend as well as my dad and a very nice man.  After he was diagnosed, he only had about six weeks before he died.   We had hospice come in -but contrary to what most people say about hospice, to some extent it felt like an intrusion to have stangers come into our family at a time like that.  Anyway, my dad didn't really want to 'go' but he seemed to recognize it was happening.  The last week he fell down, and after that he was sort of unable to communicate with us.  It was hard to know what he understood from us or how much pain he was in.  However, on the last day, we knew it wouldn't be much longer and somehow I ended up alone in the room with him.  I don't know why I said this but I told him we would take care of mom and that it was ok for him to go.  I know he understood because he sort of reached up his hand toward me.  I told him he had been a great dad (he really was..) and not to worry.  Oddly enough he died about 1/2 hour later.  Now I am taking care of my mom with her dementia and it is 7 years later.  It is a very different way to lose someone when they 'go' slowly and are sort of here but not in the same way.   Yet all of it is strangely 'special'.  For I love my parents deeply and no matter what causes their distress, it just seems like the right thing to do to help them out as they helped me so much.  I am now glad I had that last conversation with my dad but at that time I did not know that would ever read a string of conversations about it.  It is a nice thing to do...reassure someone when they are dying...but I would not have known that then.  Mostly I just wanted to reassure my dad that we would look after mom because he had for all those years and I didn't want him to worry about it.  I feel fortunate to have had a great dad and sometimes I think about 'what he would say' in some situations.  It seems to me like the people you love the most always stay with you, whether they are alive or passed...to you they are alive regardless.

Janine, that was so beautifully put.  I often think about what my deceased loved one would say in any given situation.  You're so right in that they are alive in my heart.  If ever I have the opportunity to have the type of conversation I had with my father-in-law again, I'm adding this to my repetoire.  I can't imagine it being anything but comforting to know you'll live on long after your body gives out.

It is very difficult to tell someone you love that it is okay for them to die.  However, I have cared for a lot of loved ones who have died and the most important thing for them to know is that their loved ones will be okay. 

Thank you for your insight, sadrn. I believe that is true, too.

Reading what you wrote really  has helped me with the  news of my father's cancer getting worse. He's been battling  lung cancer for years and now its spreading to other parts of the body. He has been fighting this cancer for years. In fact, we were told a year ago exactly this month that he had about 6 months but with treatment hes lived longer. He has the will to live and is a very strong man. Unfortunately, this is a very aggressive cancer. It's funny the way life works because my father- inlaw tookhis life on New Years Eve and my father has been fighting for his. God has truly been great to us because he could've have died years ago and I prayed alot last year wwwhen My grandfather died in March of 08 we got the news of my fathers cancer getting worse so I prayed and prayed to please not let ihim die  the same year as my grandfather. The year just passed and my father is still alive so I have that to thank him for.  I will take your advice and when things get worse I will let him know that we will be okay and he can go in peace and not to worry about us.

Hi Prettymoe11,   I think that's right.   At some point your father will be ready.  Enough pain, enough fighting, all of it...  then you can help by letting him go easily and quickly.  Its interesting about what you said about them not dying in the same year.  A close friend lost her mom, then her husband, then her father had a heart attack near the end.  She said to him right up front.... "I can't bear for you to go now, please give me 6 months".....and you know what - he did.

Good luck!

My dad died 10 years ago after a long illness.  I lived far away and couldn't run home at the drop of a hat.  However, a friend of mother's told her that he thought it was time to call me.  After flying in late one night, I saw him the next morning and after a hug I told him that I was there "to help him finish."  He said he couldn't die because he had too much to do so I suggested that we make a list.  He could think of only three things, which I took care of that day.  The next morning I reported to him that everything was done and he died very quietly about four hours later.  It was a peaceful ending for both of us.

It will be easy to say the words when the time is right.

Go in peace.

Dear Chrissy, I know exactly how you are feeling and hurting inside. In 2004, I lost my husband to lymphoma cancer. I had a stroke and brain surgery to clip an aneurysm 6 months previous; the day my neurosurgeon released me from his care, my husband checked into the hospital with a high fever. He was in a comotose type sleep for several days, When He finally opened his eyes, I could see the fear in them. He said he was so confused. I told him the doctor had released me and I was going to be OK. I then told him it was OK for him to let go of the pain and continue on his journey to the Lord. I would be OK and he would be going to a better place. Within 10 minutes, his breathing changed and he passed away in my arms. I felt such guilt for years that had I said he could survive his then 5-year battle, he could continue to battle until he whooped the cancer. But that would have been so selfish of me. It was his pain, his battle. I asked the Lord what should I tell him if he woke up before he died and this is what the Holy Spirit had told me to say. I just didn't think he would go so fast. It's been nearly 7 years now since he passed. Although I am only 50 years old, I wear his ashes around my neck and I wear my wedding band. I am still very much in love with him and miss him dearly everyday. There were times I had thought of ending my life to be with him, but I have an adult DD child who needs me here. So here I must stay until the Lord calls for me.

Many hugs to you dear. You will need every single one you get!

It's so important to remember that you and your parent are on parallel journeys. But, if only for a moment you are able to walk hand-in-hand with them, you will know what to say. The words you speak will come from your heart and will flow to their's. You'll find yourself releasing them to move on while offering them peace in the assurance that you'll fulfill the gift of life they gave you. Your understanding of the circle of life will never be more real and may leave you in a wiser place.

My Mother is going through a protracted period of terminal agitation. She has COPD/emphysema. Her agitation manifests itself in an unending, panicky desire to go home. She has lived with me for six months because she was too sick to live alone and moving her into my home was the only option. When she is not drugged into a stupored sleep, I tell her all the things that have been suggested here. We love you. We will be all right. It is ok to stop struggling. You can go and be with Daddy in heaven. And the classic, it is ok to go. I'll bet you can't guess how she interprets "It's ok to go." That's right! She takes that comment as permission to leave my house and go back to her home, and she starts putting her things into a bag, grabbing her purse and her keys and begging me to let her go. She is so weak she cannot stand, but she thinks she can leave and go back home. Then she literally freaks out when I have to tell her she cannot go back to her home. She cries, she struggles, she lashes out at me. Oh how I wish these magic words would work on my Mother. Her suffering is unbearable for her and her family. But so far I can't figure out what to say or what's keeping her here. Before anyone suggests it, taking her back to her home is not possible. It isn't there any more.

Crissy.....I'm so very sorry to hear that your father is nearing the end. I lost my father in Dec 09, whom I was very close to, only six short weeks after we were told he had Stage 4 lung cancer that had metastisized to the bone and had 12-15 months to live. It was the quickest 6 weeks I've ever lived and was gone with a blink of the eye. All you can do is to say what needs to be said....that you love him very much, will miss him, and will take care of each other (whom ever he is leaving). We promised my Dad that we would take care of my Mother and that she would be OK. We told him that we would miss him very much but that we would one day be together. We reminded him of the poem "The Bridge" and told him to take care of Lady, his 14-year old cocker spaniel that died the month before. We told him that we would all be together one day and that the "broken chain" would be whole again. Ensure he has enough pain medication to keep him comfortable and don't be afraid to cry in front of him--hug him a lot! I'll be praying for you and your father......may god bless you all.

Dear Chrissy....

My husband died less than 2 weeks ago in a hospice facility.

He was struggling so hard. I finally whispered in his ear, "It's okay, you don't have to try anymore." and he was gone in less than 5 min.s.

Hardest thing I ever did but I know he was trying to hang on for me, his daughter and grand daughter who were all with him.

It hurts really badly cause I sure miss him and would rather him here with me but there was no way he needed to suffer anymore.

God Bless you...

cwelzy--I'm so sorry for your loss...stay close to this site as there are many comforting people to lean on. You and your family will be in our prayers.

My dad is also nearing the end. He is 63 and has Stage IV gastric cancer that has really sent him down hill quickly in the last 2 months. I have been through this before with my mother-in-law and her daughter that was only 14 at the time had to tell her mom it was okay to die. Sometimes they have to hear this from certain people in order to let go. Let him know not to be scared that where he is going is the utlimate place to be. He will be free of all negative feelings and everything that he's ever wanted to do will come to him. I am not scared for my dad to die because I know where he is going is with GOD. You don't need a script just go to him and tell him that it will be okay and words will come to you. Be strong you can do it and remember that your dad is going to an awesome place.

My grandma died of GBM - Stage 4 Brain Cancer - 5 months ago. Hospice told all 4 of her kids that they needed to tell her they'd be okay and she could go be with her husband and her sister.

The last words I told her were that even though the family's nuts, they're all going to be okay, that I'm going to be okay, and that I'd make sure they behaved, and it was okay to go be with her family whenever she wanted to go. I told her where she was going was more awesome than anything she'd seen on Earth, and if the angels came, she could go with them.

She left two days later to go play bingo in heaven. We know this because people in our family have been having dreams of her saying she was going to play with her sister.

My grandmother is 97 and dying, but very slowly. My mother has been caring for her for 4 years. She has sacrificed every aspect of her life to do this. We are at a place now where my grandmother is confused, demanding and uncooperative. She is tired and wants to die. My mother is at peace with her death and has told her it is ok to go now. But nothing. My grandmother is suffering, my mother is exhausted and frustrated. We have prayed and prayed to no avail. Does anyone have advice or wisdom?

Lpizzonia,

I understand. As you can read in my post in this thread, I am in the same situation with my Mother. It is horrible for her and for all her family to see her struggle. But she struggles on. I don't know what to do.

Amy, I am so sorry you are going through the same thing. I have watched my mothers health deteriorate to the point of being hospitalized and almost dying herself. There seems to be no greater stress than caring for a loved one. And just waiting for someone to pass when you know that is all they want really makes you question everything you believe. I will keep you in my prayers.

My dad is dying of prostate cancer that has moved into the bone and lymph nodes. I just turned thirty years old, and it is as if my legs have been cut out from under me. Crissy, my best advice to you is to just say it. I think my doing this, you allow yourself and your dying parent a sense of peace and comfort. I wish I could give you better advice, but it is all I know at this time. I have started a blog to try and come to terms with all of these emotions I am feeling. I encourage everyone to join and share their feelings.

http://agirlandherfather.blogspot.com/

hello and thank you all for sharing your stories. i work in a hospice facility and have been there almost 6 weeks. before that i was doing in home hospice. i can say i have seen people go within minutes of being told its ok to pass. in home or in a facility death can be joyous. most of my patients have Alzheimer's and for the family the relief is visible. i got to work with a family for a very long time as 'mom' deteriorated. i saw the son 3 months after her passing and he looked great. he was sleeping and eating and had found a religion. the funny thing was the whole time i cared for her she nagged him to take better care of himself and go to services. the drain on him of caring for her almost did him in; but her death was dignified and peaceful. this is not an easy thing to discus but i urge you to talk to the grief councilors. they can help you in more ways then you could imagine. get to know your nurses and aides, they too can provide comfort to you and your loved ones. don't be afraid to take time off of work to be with your loved one, the economy will rebound but you will not get that time back. and make arraignments now while you can, with a clear head about what you want and make those wishes known, my mother just turned 55 and my father is 56 and both have wills and directives and we have had talks about driving and they are in perfect health. i hope this brings you comfort and your journeys are peaceful and calm

My father has chronic lymphocytic leukemia. You can supposedly go on for 30 year with it but his oncologist recently told me she thinks he has a year, maybe a little more, but could be as little as 3 months. He has been in and out of skilled nursing and hospitals for the last year. Right now he is in respite, paid for by the VA, for 30 more days of rehab. The VA will need to evaluate him next week and this 3 months to a year issue will need to come up. I asked Dad's oncologist if she had spoken to him about it and she has not. I really need to prepare him before this comes up at the evaluation but I don't know how. Does anyone have any advice on how I can tell him something like this?