I live about an hour and 15 minutes from them and my brother lives about the same distance.  Another brother in another state who can't help.

My dad seems to be almost hoping she will hurry up and die.  I hate to say that, but he will call every now and then and say she is getting weaker, he doesn't think it will be much longer.  He has been doing this for several years and we think partly he used it as a way to get us to visit more often.  He is 80, nine years younger than she is.  But the last year and particulary the last 6 months she really has declined a lot, to the point that she needs help to get in and out of a chair, in and out of bed, needs someone supporting her when she walks, needs help with toileting.  In addition to that, lately she's had some problems with diarrhea and sometimes incontinence (she had a hemicolectomy a few years ago so has short bowel syndrome and with her weakness sometimes she just can't get to the bathroom fast enough) and he is beside himself having to deal with that.  I know it is very stressful for him; it would be for anyone.  But he talks often about her death and it bothers my brother and I.  He will call us once in a while and tell us we need to be prepared.  He gave my brother's wife money and told her to go buy an outfit for my mom to be buried in.  This was 6 months ago.  He called the funeral home where they have their prepaid funerals and was talking to them one day, making arrangements - and my mom heard him on the phone.  This was a couple of years ago.  It's very disturbing to all of us and the only thing I can think of is that the caretaking is too much for him and he's wishing she'd just hurry up and die.  I hate to even say that and I know he loves her but I think he is just not handling things very well.  He used to go to church every Sunday but doesn't go anymore because she fell while he was gone once and was on the floor for 2 hours before he got home; now he won't leave her alone other than  to run to the store in the early morning while she's still sleeping.

Well, last night he did sound somewhat different than usual, seemed very upset.  He said he doesn't think she has long, maybe two or three weeks.  He says she has gotten so much weaker.  Knowing that she has declined lately, my brother and I tend to think that this time he may be right.  She has been sleeping a lot more.  She normally went to bed by 6 p.m. anyway, but she got up in the mornings.  Now she is going to bed at 6 p.m. and get up about noon.  He said she doesn't eat much, doesn't really care about anything, he thinks she has given up because she doesn't think she is going to get any better.  I do know that when my mom has something to look forward to she does get up.  She likes to go when she is able to and she has always been very social, likes to be around people.  My dad is the opposite.  I'm sure the isolation is depressing to her on top of everything else.

I told my dad I want them to come and live with me and my husband, and that way she will be around people, and he will have help taking care of her, and we will get to spend time with her/them.  He sounded like he actually was thinking about it, but then later called and said m  Maybe at some point later, but not now.  He said this isn't "home" and I understand that.  It would be hard to move into someone else's house.  I also live in a city and he does not like being in the city.

I'm wondering how far I should go in respecting his wishes before I intervene?  I know for a fact she would be better off here.  She would be happier being around people.  She would have more than one person to help with her care.

I also looked into hospice care/palliative care available in my city and there is so much available here that is not available in their small town.  I'd like to try to give her some quality of life before she dies, instead of her being bored and sleeping her time away until she dies.

I guess moving in with them would be another option but although I work at home, I do need to be in my own city for work, and I also have a husband and kids (albeit college age kids) to think of.

I think my mom would welcome moving in with us; I think it's my dad who really doesn't want to do that.  I even thought about telling him that we will take her and care of her if he wants us to, and he can come and go as he pleases, but I don't know how either of them would feel about that.