Young Caregiver Need Lots of Advice

Bless your heart, you do have so much on you. I know it's hard,but, try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you really are doing a wonderful job with your Father. Most people your age would'nt even take the time, plus just the level of thought you put into his care says alot about you and your giving heart. I too, started at a young age with caregiving, not in the same capacity that you are, but  my Father became ill with lung cancer at the age of 57. I was 20. I went over and helped my Mom care for him and all of his final arrgs. prior to his death 7 months after his diagnosis. Since then, I have pretty much had alot of responsibility with my Mom. She was always a housewife, never drove or worked outside the home. Now, I am also a full-time caregiver for my 87 year-old Aunt, along with part-time caregiver for my 76 year-old Mom. It has been a journey. Filled with hard times and times I will always treasure.

            I know first hand how hard some of these issues can be for you. It's kind of like switching roles, but you still want to respect him and give him as much dignity as you possibly can. It can be a hard balance. As far as the incontinence, I too am dealing with this with my Aunt, not quite as serious as your Dads situation though. My Aunt also refuses to wear the disposable undergarments. It is so frustrating, and hard not to feel angry when they have all of the accidents. We know they can't help it, but we know they can make it easier on themselves and us. As far as the bathing,I can relate to that too. Which is really a tough one. As hard as it is, I think you are going to have to muster up some courage and have a serious heart to heart with your Dad. Tell him how much you love him and how difficult it is for you to bring these things up,but that you know you have too. Explain to him that if you can't come to some sort of agreement on the incontience and the bathing issues, as much as you want to care for him, you might not be able to. He may have to go to a nursing facility. You can only handle this for so long and it will began to drag you down. I do know this from experience. Hopefully, he will make the right decisions, or you will have to. Especially since you have noone to help..........................As far as his eating habits go, I can't say for sure where he's concerned, but alot of cancer patients don't have alot of appetite. They lose their taste for many things. I remember my Dad wanted milkshakes, or some days there would be certain things he felt he wanted to eat. Personally, I think if he's eating something, even if it's not the most nutritional food, maybe let it go. See if his Dr. thinks this is wise advice for him. They may even want you to use some type of vitamin supplement to help with what he's not getting..........As far as the sleeping and depression, they kind of go hand and hand. Is he on any kind of medicene for depression? Does he sleep at night too? How far is he into his illness? When you mentioned that he only wants to be around your college age friends, it kind of reminded me of my Mom. She lives in a retirement apartment building. I remember when we first moved her in she said she thought to herself, " what am I going to do here with all these old folks"? I thought that was hilarious! I guess somehow, even though they are older in their body, their minds still feel young. Probably being around your friends gets his mind off of his situation. It is true that alot of time with the older crowd of friends, some tend to sit around and talk about their ailments and sad stories all of the time. Younger people, maybe still represent life in the positive aspect. They don't gripe all of the time. Not that all seniors do. This probably does'nt make you feel better, but it was the first thing that came to my mind where people and interaction are concerned.

              I know I have'nt been much help, but I do sympathize with your situation. I know how you feel, and I do admire you for giving up so much to be there for your Dad. I know he is grateful for you too. Take Care, I'd like to know how things work out for you, and I'm always glad to lend an ear.

                                                                                                   Melissa

I wish I had found this discussion forum earlier! I feel so much less alone just hearing from people that can understand exactly how things are. Lately, I've been feeling him sort of 'slip away' spiritually, and I was getting so worried that i took him to the urgent care center at the VA. I'm glad I trusted my instincts because there was blood in his urine when he gave a sample. He also had an infection in his lungs. I have to say, I was so dissatisfied with the service we were given. The VA is usually slow, but I've usually found them to be pretty caring. No one seemed to think the blood was a big deal. They pretty much gave us an antibiotic and sent us on our way. I even called back to make sure the doctor understood that it wasn't just a tinge of pink, but real blood, small clots, and that he was in pain during urination. All they said was if I was unhappy, I could bring him back to emergency room for revaluation (after we'd spend 6 hours there). This healthcare system is awful! He has medicare part A but that doesn't cover doctor's visits or ER fees. If I were to reenroll him in Part B, it wouldn't start coverage until July! I dont' know if he's even going to be alive in July!

After I spent the whole day with him, he seemed more like himself, which makes me think it is depression and loneliness that is making him withdraw. Which makes me feel bad for not being home more. While I don't want to sacrifice too much of my own life, I want for his final days to be as comfortable as possible. Its a tricky balance.

Again, I truly appreciate the responses, its weird, I feel a kinship with a screen name on a discussion board, but hey, it works. :)

Hi Again,

              I know, it is kind of weird is'nt it? Relating to a screen name. I've never really even participated in one much until I recently found this one.

              It sure is sad that our veterans are'nt taken better care of than your recent experience. Does your Father not qualify for some type of indigent care? I don't know what part of the country you're in , but, it's medicaid here. I believe if he could qualify for that, his medical visits would be covered. Check with your local health department about such a program. Sometimes even the hospitals have some type of program like this, they don't advertise it of course, but you can inquire about it.

             As far as the time you are spending with him, you are doing the best you can, and yes, balance is such a tricky part to caring for someone, especially without feeling like you're losing yourself...................By some small chance? Would your Dad maybe be interested in having a pen pal? Just to write back and forth as a friend? My Aunt really wants to find someone who likes to do this. She enjoys writing short notes, and sending cards. This helps with her loneliness and depression. It's a constant battle for her too.

              Take care, Sweetie, Melissa