'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by Journey002 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Journey002 — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 22:31:03 -0000

While reading all of the posts to this topic, I have to admit that I chuckled at some of the comments. Thanks for the laughs!! : )

Back to the topic, I actually have 3 pieces of advice or comments that drive me crazy. Just a bit of background first. I am the primary caregiver of my 90 year old mother-in-law. She has Alzheimer's/dementia which is rapidly progressing. No support or breaks from my husband or his siblings, as far as physically taking care of her and sitting with her all day to keep an eye on her.

1)" Don't take it personally - its the dementia making her talk like that." Well, hard not to take it personally when she is telling anyone who will listen (even cries while she is telling them) that I am plotting against her to make her believe she is losing her mind. I understand its the dementia talking, but, still hard to separate myself from the remarks.

2)"This must have been your calling...or destiny". This is in reference to the fact that my name is Ruth (for those that don't know..Ruth is a chapter in the Bible dealing with a woman whose husband dies and she takes care of her elderly mother-in-law). Gee, thanks Mom for that one! You've brandished me for life with that one! ;)

3)"Hang in there - You're doing a great job!" Going to have to refer to the first one on this. Hard to feel like I am doing a great job when the person you are taking care of doesn't think so, no matter how hard I try to convince her that I love her and am only trying to do what's best for her.

There was one more, but, I can't remember it right now...lol Maybe I'll post again!! hehehe

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by snowflakedreamer1 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

snowflakedreamer1 — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:01:15 -0000

I luv the entry by Dolphinscry. I have said that myself at times adding "I wish God didnt have so much confidence in me!".

My husband of 36 yrs had a stroke 2 yrs ago. Somedays he is so much "himself", other days a stranger to me. It is so helpful and comforting to read the other entries and know someone else really does know how it feels to be so tired, lonesome some days and hopeful about the future.

Thanks for giving me my smile today!

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by sop832 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sop832 — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:50:02 -0000

My sister and I had "joint custody" of my mother- until January when my mom decided that she didn't want to move when my sister moves to Ohio in a few months. My sister was angry [for various reasons] so I got full custody. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I'm a nurse and by nature am more nurturing than my sister. It's just not feasible for my mom to go back and forth between us anymore- she needs too much care now. Sis has essentially washed her hands of it all. I'm sure she is totally relieved to be shut of it all.

I think we will be on our own to get any time off, I've already started to look for respite care options. I hope that my mom will understand, even just a little when that happens.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by smileyflower @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

smileyflower — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:37:00 -0000

Grandchick, You've got me rolling!!!!!!!.................in laughter, of course. The thing about being in IHOP is so funny. It reminded me of my Aunt wearing "high water'' pants. Every pair of pants she gets, she has hemmed above her ankles, says they are too long otherwise, but hey, that is better than no clothes! LOL!

Big Momma, I know all about the repeated advice, especially after you've been saying for months you've already tried whatever it is they are telling you. I don't get help from my siblings either. When I think about it, I wonder if it's really that our family does'nt get it, or that if they really addressed the situation in a rational manner, they would have to deal with theirselves a little bit....I mean come on, any of them with half of a conscience would get it..........I think it's one of those situations where they feel bad for us as much as they can, but at the same time, they are thinking YIKES!, I don't want to deal with that..........Caregiving, as we all know is'nt for the faint of heart........You have to die to self alot to be able to do it...... Which is biblical, but still hard to do in the flesh, I don't care who you are.........So I feel that our families don't want to deal with the guilt they feel when they have to address it, so they don't.......in a way that is of any help to us anyway..................................And yes girls, I agree, this is another reason I try to laugh instead of cry!!!!!!!

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by Big Momma @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Big Momma — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:45:22 -0000

Thanks Smileyflower and sop832! In response to sop832, the comment that I have heard is usually phrased "if I were you, I'd......" Actually, I enjoy hearing what someone else might do under similar circumstances. The suggestions that annoy are the ones that come about five minutes after I have explained that I have already tried the solution they are now suggesting (Where were you when I said I've tried that?????) or the people who suggest something so totally unreasonable for me that I have to wonder if they never notice anything.

Someone in an earlier post commented on one of their relatives proposing a vacation for the caregiver. This is such a great idea except when: you cannot afford one, the person for whom you are caring cannot be left alone and your either would have to pay for a "live in" caregiver while you are gone, send the parent off to someplace else, or bring the person along with you.

My sibs have offered to have my mom come for a visit. She refuses. She does not trust them to not put her into a home while I am gone. Also, she cannot be put on a plane to get to them - she refuses to fly, and she cannot take a bus or a train on her own. This means a long drive for me before I could leave on a vacation.

Then there is the issue of "pay back" time when I get back. No matter what the solution to getting care for mom while I am away, she will not like it and I will get to hear about it for weeks, possibly months after I get back. I know this from personal experience. Her solution is that I can go and she will stay home alone and that is not going to happen in my lifetime!

Also, I really think we all need to view some of this stuff with a sense of humor - and that is very difficult at times. It is sad what happens to us as we age but if we do not sit back and laugh we are going to cry.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by TheGrandChick @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

TheGrandChick — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:37:23 -0000

The comment about "she has dementia, but she keeps her clothes on" made me laugh, too! I think I'm going to have to start using that one when my mom/co-caregiver or I start getting frustrated with the million and one ways my grandma "acts out" in public. Because, really, she looks ridiculous in her ripped/too-small/misbuttoned clothes, but she'd look a lot more ridiculous sitting in IHOP with no shirt on! (Of course, there's a part of me that wonders if the only reason she keeps her clothes on is that she's cold....) Thanks for the lift, Big Momma!

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by sop832 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sop832 — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:51:14 -0000

Please don't tell me that someone had the b___s to say they would do a better job than you! Or did they just imply it? It would be hard not to say "YOU come over and take a turn and I'll go somewhere for some alone time'

Family relationships are always difficult- I'm sorry that your siblings don't help. I wish I had some magic words to get them to help. Sometimes they don't see what they don't want to and nothing short of a bolt of lightning from the sky will get their attention.

Your comment about "OK, she's demented but she keeps her clothes on" made me laugh. I have chuckled all weekend about the grannie with no shirt on in the front window , puttering around with her walker!

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by smileyflower @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

smileyflower — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:14:14 -0000

Well said Big Momma!!!!!

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by Big Momma @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Big Momma — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 06:26:42 -0000

Hi Everyone,

It is 2:00 AM and I am sitting up reading what you all have written and enjoying it very much. It is so refreshing to hear from so many people in a similar situation. I too get annoyed with the nauseating platitudes that well meaning people so readily hand out to caregivers. We should all carry a list to hand out - sort of like a business card only longer with the following written on it:

1. I DO love my (choose one; mom, dad, aunt, uncle, sister, cousin - you name it)

2. I know I am blessed that this person is still alive and breathing.

3. I AM thankful that: a) this person does not have dementia; b) this person has dementia but keeps their clothes on; c) this person can still walk; d) this person does not have whatever else you can think of for them to have or does not do whatever else you can think of to do.

4. I appreciate the fact that you want to be helpful but "can it" for now, please.

5. I know you would do a better job if you were doing this but what the heck, this is my life and my parent. (substitute whatever relationship )

You get the idea, correct? I should like to end with a comment on what a few of my friends have taken up saying to me about once a week. The continue to tell me that they know for certain that if it were not for me, my mom who is 92, would not be the vital, alive, alert, active, albeit somewhat slow person that she still is if it were not for the care that I give her. I might add that none of my sibs EVER bother to say this to me. Good thing I have friends, yes? It is my friends who are keeping me going in the role of caregiver - not my family.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by sop832 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sop832 — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 12:34:22 -0000

I might not be able to cry, but I got a good laugh about the granny with no shirt on! It may be just forgetfulness, but I think most old people lose any sense of modesty they had. It's certainlt true of my mom. It seems like other things like hygeine go by the wayside.

I didn't really reply to the original premise of this thread- what platitudes drive us crazy. I agree with the one about "At least you still have your mother" Yes it's true, but most people who say that to me have lost their moms at an early age. They would like to have their moms back how they remember them, not as a fretful, forgetful 94 yo. This is not my mom, it's like I have to bring my patients home with me [I'm a nurse] The only thing missing is a beping IV pump, otherwise it would be just like work.

This is not my mom, who I used to laugh with and tease. She always cared what she looked like and was active. Now she's so passive and forgetful, although she is grateful for the care I give her.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by TheGrandChick @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

TheGrandChick — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 05:12:54 -0000

Funny, smileyflower, I do the opposite: when we got aides to help my grandma, we had to explain to them that she wasn't lying when she said she had no incontinence issues; the disposable underwear under the bathroom sink was mine, for extra protection if I sleep over at that time of the month.

Makes sense to me, though, to use sanitary pads for minor urinary incontinence: they're certainly much cheaper than actual incontinence pads, and if the issue is minimal and occasional, I can't imagine why sanitary napkins wouldn't work. Of course, reusing them is stretching the issue of frugality a bit far.... ;-)

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by smileyflower @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

smileyflower — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:46:38 -0000

No, problem, I was scratching my head a bit in the beginning, until I finally asked her.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:44:31 -0000

ok, sorry for the confusion.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by smileyflower @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

smileyflower — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:43:23 -0000

Hi Anonymous,

Yes, she says she uses them in case she has a slight accident with her bladder problem.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 00:38:58 -0000

Hmmmm. an elderly Auntie who is still using sanitary pads? Really?

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by smileyflower @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

smileyflower — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 19:15:40 -0000

Hey Grandchick,

Sorry about the [oops] on the anti-depressants, I was just telling my husband earlier that I feel like mine is'nt doing the trick anymore. Not as well as it was anyway..........I sure hate to ask for something stronger. My husband does'nt believe in them at all, but then again he does'nt have to deal with all the junk I do..

Dolpins Cry,

[ OCD ] must be a something that goes along with the elderly. My Aunt collects plastic containers. Big ones, little ones, from juice, yougurt, leftover food from restaurants, and you better know if you throw one away,she's gonna miss it. Even if it was #75 in the collection. She loves paper products too! She has folded up paper towels everywhere, and left over napkins from restaurants, not to mention the tissues she reuses, and this is probably not appropriate for this forum but, I have to stay on her about re-using sanitary napkins! YUCK!!!! Sorry..........that's just one of those things that drive me nuts!.........................Girls we have to have humor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!................If I did'nt have my own inner dialog going I'd never make it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..................and yes, sometimes I have to check myself because of the sick sense of humor I get at times.............I don't mean too, sometimes this old raggedy flesh of mine gets the best of me............Like the other day,..................and I'll just tell ya'll now if this is [TMI]-too much information, just tell me to get off line and I'll gladly do so, but while we're being honest, I noticed my Aunt at the sink the other day in front of the big windows in the room, blinds open. Puttering around on her walker, pajama pants on, no shirt, boobs hanging to her knees,walking around like you and I would do chores or something. Used to, that would have broken my heart and I would have rushed to save her modesty.................Which that has never happened before...........Anyhow, after looking back three times to be sure I was'nt seeing things, I had to take off to the back of the house because I was laughing so hard!!!!!!........................and, I was dying for the poor guy next door, our houses are reatively close..........................Hopefully he was'nt home!!!!!!!!.............I know this is terrible of me, but I find it hysterically funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by TheGrandChick @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

TheGrandChick — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 18:12:59 -0000

Just for the record, smileyflower...it wasn't me who was on anti-depressants. Then again, that's only because I've tried all the ones my doc thinks are safe for me (I have other problems that limit what I can take), and besides, my mom/co-caregiver is on two different ones, so I guess between the two of us, we even out, yeah? ;-)

Ooh, DolphinsCry, aren't obsessions FUN?! My grandma has a habit of just finding one--usually irrelevant--thing, and freaking out about it nonstop until it gets dealt with to her satisfaction...which is always difficult, and not-infrequently impossible.

And forget about sounding awful. The humor my mom and I use to get through stuff sometimes...it makes the infamous "dark" humor of cops/firefighters/EMTs/etc. sound clean and kind by comparison. Not nice at all, but if it helps keep you sane....

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 15:58:45 -0000

It can be unbearable either way. We have to do everything....yet I often feel I never do it right. After 4 years I am still trying to figure out the difference between trash bags and the purpose of each one. Good Lord, I'm sorry, but when I did live alone, I just threw trash in a bag, and then into a single trash bucket. I didn't care about the color of the bag, color of the handles, which bucket to put it in.....sheesh.

Trash day and Day Before Trash Day is an ordeal: Garbage has to be put outside on Monday evening, for Tuesday pickup. Note: There is no recycling here. She worries about the bucket being knocked over by a car (on purpose of course); she worries the bags are too heavy (yeah, I guess the trash man puts them on a scale, huh?), then she worries the trash man will purposefully through the trash can in the ditch because the trash was too heavy (paranoid much?). If it's windy outside, she worries the buckets will blow over. If I'm not here all day Tuesday, she worries about the bucket blowing away........

I really did think of sending all this in to Days of Our Lives, but....the story line is not realistic enough. ;)

I did counseling a few years back and the counselor labeled my grandmother as Obsessive-Compulsive.

Don't even get me started on the 4 shelves of different cleaners. I honestly don't know the difference between 4 various versions of Pledge, etc.

Ever watch that movie "Groundhog Day" where he wakes up every day and the day repeats itself? Welcome to my life......but where the heck is the day I do everything right? And where is my paycheck for acting in a real-life version? :)

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by smileyflower @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

smileyflower — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:59:37 -0000

I know, ....................................It is a hard thing to fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..................and people on the outside[ of caregiving, that is } don't understand......................made it sound like we were doing hard time,did'nt I!!!!........................If we did'nt use the numbing mechanism, it really would be unbearable though.....

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:53:37 -0000

I wonder how many of us are (1) Care-takers and (2) on Anti-Deps?

I know the last time I had a good cry was last July when a friend passed on.

I often think of that Linkin Park song "I've become so numb...."

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by smileyflower @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

smileyflower — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:50:07 -0000

BRAVO!!!!!!......................GO.....................Grandchick and Ladies!!!!!!................Could'nt have said it all better myself!!!!! ............However, Grandchick, If your anti-depressant suppresses the urge to cry, and you really need to, Go right now and rent the movie, BEACHES, or something like. If it still won't let you cry it out!!!!!............................Ask for something else, We all need a good cry now and then. It's like a built in cleansing for the soul!!!!!!.................Hmmmmm!,.................My anti-dep. is'nt that good!.........LOL....................

In Love & Laughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melissa

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:38:35 -0000

Oh God, I definitely know that emotion! I hate to say it, but....There was a time (as a teen) when if Granny slept in I worried that she had died. Now, I say my prayers at night, and they are for God to please take her and grant me a thing called a life. I guess that is pretty messed up, but I can't take this for another 4 years.

Got back with my ex-bf.....even he says my mom is the child, and I'm the adult. I've finally reached Breaking Point #1.

Still I have to worry about the yardwork like....who's gonna mow the lawn? Since our formerly helpful neighbor used to do that and the snow removal, and has helped out one time the entire winter? But I'm not supposed to be already thinking "Ok, how am I gonna make sure this gets done?" And my grandmother is always going on and on about how we are so poor.....

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by sop832 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sop832 — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:20:06 -0000

I never asked for it, either. I never wanted to be tied down, in fact I never even wanted kids. Now I'm saddled with a 94 yo mother , no dementia but frail and forgetful, and a resentful husband who right now is giving me the silent treatment because he's mad that we now have a handicapped ramp on the side of our house and my mother needs oxygen [he says "the tubes drive him crazy"]. I work, and have a sitter for her while I work, so when I'm at work that's "my time away" I steal an hour here and there from work and go to Starbuck's and read for an hour.

i really think I could use a good cry, but the anti-depressant I take supresses that ability. When I think that she could live another 5 or 10 years, I feel like I could just fall into a heap on the floor.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 13:17:00 -0000

GrandChick - I so relate!!!!!

I hate every second of being the caretaker, I never asked for this "job". But....I do it out of love and responsibility.

'What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?' posted by TheGrandChick @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

TheGrandChick — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 03:55:05 -0000

Aw, thanks, AuntieM! I like your name, too. :-)

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