What's the advice that will make you scream if you hear it one more time?

If one more person says to me, "Well, at least you have your mother with you, enjoy her while she's here," I'll throw something. It's not that I don't love her; I love her to death. But taking care of her is absolutely exhausting and the last thing I need is more guilt!

When a friend of mine was in her seventies, she said her grown children and grandchildren all had what she called the "why-dontchas." Every time they visited, they would say, "Grandma, why don't you get door fixed, why don't you get a new car," and so on, generally trying to organize her life. She was very fit mentally and physically and didn't want all this advice. She finally made a rule that no one could start a sentence with those words when they were talking to her.

LOL  I love a rule prohibiting the phrase "why don'tcha" while visiting!  Your grandma sounds like a brilliant lady! 

"you are so lucky to live with your grandmother".

No I'm not! I'm 36 and would like a life! I'm tired of the constant arguing, I'm tired of the responsibility of taking care of someone who does not appreciate anything I do. I'm tired of being "needed" but not wanted. I'm tired of walking on eggshells trying to be here to help  her, but at the same time, being in her way.

Fow "whydonchas".just say "dontwanna"..................

Eventually they will get it.........

"You need to get your siblings to help you out."

I tried. They won't. So quit reminding me of that!!!

 Take it one day at a time...... Try to think positive..... Everybody's got problems....   I'll pray for you....   It could be worse....  I've heard these lame words of "wisdom" and advice so many times I could scream. Knock it off, people. It doesn't help.

doforanimals: So, what do you WANT to hear? Probably "I will do everything for you so that you have no worries" is really NOT going to happen to any of us. It is sort of like saying "I'm sorry" at a funeral...just wjat ELSE do you think genuinely nice and caring people ARE supposed to say to you?  I understand this site is for us to vent, but.....the chip-on-the-shoulder does NOT disloge the burden, sorry.

What I treasure most is when my dad (for whom I'm taking more and more responsibility from half way across the country) says, "Thanks. I really appreciate what you are doing to help me."  So far, he's been pretty good about saying that, and it does keep me going.

I also like it when my husband expresses his appreciation, or at least awareness of my frustrations, when my father does something that causes me work, worry, or concern.

I'm trying to express my awareness and appreciation of my friends who are in various stages of caregiving for their parents. They seem to like it when I say, "I know this is tough on you, and I appreciate what you are doing."  I hope it helps.

"do you have someone to stay with your mom while you work?" ; "do you family that can help?" 

I find non caregivers think there is an abundance of free help and that everyone has enough money to pay for help.  As to family, I wish.  I think people don't know what else to say and are really trying to help.  I am always polite and hope someone some day will have a good solution, or help me win the lottery!

To "Anonymous": ....... Thanks for some more worthless advice. Let me just add that those that lecture about what I should be doing and feeling just adds to the burden of useless advice and throws in a nice guilt trip on top. Genuinely "nice" and "caring" people don't lecture and scold. I certainly don't expect someone to say "I will do everything for you so that you have no worries."  Maybe all that's needed is a simple "That's a really tough situation you're dealing with. I'd have a hard time with it, too." And as for my chip-on-the-shoulder... You don't know the situation, so keep your snap-judgements to yourself.

Just tired of the old premise that the careneeder's more important than the caregiver in terms of mental and emotional well-being.  For example, yesterday when I took her for a ride, ma said for the 10th time, Gee it looks nice out today -- and I didn't respond.  Because I'd responded the first six times, then started letting the remark roll off me without response.  She got annoyed and repeated her remark, staring at me waiting for the response.  I gently responded with. "Yes, ma, it does look nice out today, every time you ask me.  I'd already agreed with you on that one a few times, so I've quit responding to that comment now."  Well, that really pissed her off, and she started going, well, I'm sorry I said anything . . . . I pulled over and put the car in park so I could look at her.  Then I put my hand on her arm and said, just hold on there a minute!  I know you don't remember how many times you've said something, but I also know YOU are aware you can repeat yourself a lot.  So when it happens, that I don't answer something you say, it's safe for you to assume that I've already answered that one a few times.  I always answer you as many times as I can before I start feeling like it's driving me nuts; and if it's information you want or need I write it down for you to look at when you wonder again.  But when it's something like this, I can't just keep repeating the same conversation -- I remember it every time, and will go nuts doing that!  Yet what I get from the support community is the feeling that I should just keep answering, and keep her obliviously happy . . . as I quietly start to go insane.  I won't do it; it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to her either -- because then I'm going to build up a resentment that she's going to feel.  There is another way.

I present to her calmly when I have an issue like this, and explain why I'm saying what I'm saying.  I remind her that her condition affects all of us, and she has to do things to cope with it too, not just the rest of work around her.  And sometimes that means forgiving us for not responding to a verbal remark, understanding that even though she doesn't remember it, we probably have already responded appropriately more than once.  She agrees that with the amount of attention she receives (I pester her, in her opinion) I probably am not ignoring her; she knows I pay close attention to her -- and we understand she has a condition, and never hold it against her.  On the other hand, she does get frustrated and angry, but she's not allowed to get mad at us -- when that starts to happen, I always sit down with her and direct that anger back where it belongs, on the stroke that exacerbated her memory issues, and help her work through to the point where she can put the anger toward positive action, and remind her of all the things she hasn't lost.  I am also the bathing and nutrition police; much the same as she did for me when I was too young to handle these decisions logically and intelligently.  Bottom line is the care giver needs to control the situation, not the careneeder; I have brought her into my home and my life (to keep her from the nursing home), not the other way around.  My self preservation is paramount; I have other obligations to fill besides just taking care of my mom -- but that should never be an excuse to forget to be as kind and gentle as you can.  Our team motto:  As good as it can be for as long as it can be.

I am a nurse who works in a skilled unit with some dementia long term residents. Two years ago my Mom who lives out of state and near my sister fell and had a head injury. This resulted in memory loss.  My brother flew in and made himself and my sister POA's and Medical POA. Leaving me out because I could not get there when he wanted to make these decisions. My Mom was able to stay in her home with assistance. My sister said she would help her.  It didn't work. My sister couldn't deal with my Mom asking the same question over and over and became verbally abusive due to the stress she was under. Sometimes a dementia patient will  repeat because she is frustrated, trying too hard, in pain or depressed. If you find you are at a point where your own health suffers you need to seek help. My sister never said a thing to us. Even though I could tell something was off my brother didn't believe me. I knew mom needed more help. Yes, I felt guilty because I couldn't be there. Yes I tried to help out when I could. Now, we have a caregiver that we found and we contract her out. She comes in for 4-hours a day. She makes sure my Mom is clean, takes her meds and eats a good bkfst and lunch. She has 4-adult grandchildren and we tried to see if they would come once a week after work to make sure she has dinner. We also asked the neighbors just to stop in and they have!!  Her social security and small pension pays for this.  It is working for her right now and she is happy and safe.  The state also provides adult day-care and they charge by income.  Hope is sometimes hard to find, but it is out there.

Ok, new pet pieve -- people who have parents who need care, who certainly don't deal with it 24/7, and think they are just full of good advice.  These folks don't know crap -- let alone ever have to clean it up!  Anyone who hasn't provided 24 hour care for an elderly  person for at least a month needs to do so before opening their mouth -- don't talk the talk if you aren't there walking the walk, because bottom line is you have nothing to offer..

Hi folks,

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Missy

I'm new here but wow what a hot question. My reply is when my Mother says the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. I wanted to scream, "then I denounce my faith!" In my experience most people say the wrong thing much of the time.How nice it would be if they shut up and listened, just listened.I once cared for a lovely woman(4 yrs.) whom had advanced Alzheimers. I could tell every one of her stories not only word for word, but the voice inflections in their place. What my culmination of years has taught me is,  Find something to laugh at and do it daily no matter what. I lay in bed at night and make up stand up comedy. I even laugh out loud (who cares?) at myself. If I'm feeling a bit grouchy, I use any words I want(step aside Eddie Murphy) with no guilt, God forgive me! I have acomplished many important things in my life, but none of those compare to the "Thankless", job of care. Anger steels our honor.I've been sooo angry that I was dangerous, but my humor revived me.LOL,LOL,I go in other rooms and hide for whatever time I need. I even say so! My constance gives me a license to be sassy when I need to be. Good luck & Godspeed to you.....I care....care!   I've got a whole brain full of hysterical stories.

I'm new here but wow what a hot question. My reply is when my Mother says the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. I wanted to scream, "then I denounce my faith!" In my experience most people say the wrong thing much of the time.How nice it would be if they shut up and listened, just listened.I once cared for a lovely woman(4 yrs.) whom had advanced Alzheimers. I could tell every one of her stories not only word for word, but the voice inflections in their place. What my culmination of years has taught me is,  Find something to laugh at and do it daily no matter what. I lay in bed at night and make up stand up comedy. I even laugh out loud (who cares?) at myself. If I'm feeling a bit grouchy, I use any words I want(step aside Eddie Murphy) with no guilt, God forgive me! I have acomplished many important things in my life, but none of those compare to the "Thankless", job of care. Anger steels our honor.I've been sooo angry that I was dangerous, but my humor revived me.LOL,LOL,I go in other rooms and hide for whatever time I need. I even say so! My constance gives me a license to be sassy when I need to be. Good luck & Godspeed to you.....I care....care!   I've got a whole brain full of hysterical stories.

I'm new here but wow what a hot question. My reply is when my Mother says the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. I wanted to scream, "then I denounce my faith!" In my experience most people say the wrong thing much of the time.How nice it would be if they shut up and listened, just listened.I once cared for a lovely woman(4 yrs.) whom had advanced Alzheimers. I could tell every one of her stories not only word for word, but the voice inflections in their place. What my culmination of years has taught me is,  Find something to laugh at and do it daily no matter what. I lay in bed at night and make up stand up comedy. I even laugh out loud (who cares?) at myself. If I'm feeling a bit grouchy, I use any words I want(step aside Eddie Murphy) with no guilt, God forgive me! I have acomplished many important things in my life, but none of those compare to the "Thankless", job of care. Anger steels our honor.I've been sooo angry that I was dangerous, but my humor revived me.LOL,LOL,I go in other rooms and hide for whatever time I need. I even say so! My constance gives me a license to be sassy when I need to be. Good luck & Godspeed to you.....I care....care!   I've got a whole brain full of hysterical stories.

The advice that probably bothers me most is "Don't worry, you can do it." Yes, I'm muddling through, but I can't always "do it." I've been hearing that phase a lot lately because my mother was recently hospitalized and when she was released was provided with a variety of temporary in-home health care -- physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, nurse, aide. While these people were wonderful and invaluable,  much of their job is to teach the caregiver. That's great too. But after they tell you what you should do, they add "You can do it." How do they know? They really don't know what kind of person I am or what I'm capable of. Many people think just because you are a caregiver you have magic skills to handle everything.

"The Lord never gives you more than you can handle".

Lord....I have had this little white flag in my hands for a while now. It means "I surrender"........

You know, all care givers need a little shock once in awhile. One of the beautiful shocks  is humor. Dolphins cry is beautiful.

All Christians know the verse "The Lord will never give you more than you can handle". but her answer about having a little white flas was great. I believe we caregivers should all carry a small white flag to wave once in awhile.

Thanks for the nice words.

Yes, one does have to have a sense of humor, no matter how tough things are. 

     I just discussed this same topic with someone yesterday, The LORD says he will never put more on us than we can handle. I said, I thought he may have made a mistake with me........I'm with you on the white flag...........Humor, does really seem to be the best medicene for the caregiver. Think about it, If Hollywood could get a hold of some of our stories, we would have hilarious box office favorites, right up there with "Driving Miss. Daisy". I keep saying I'm going to start a journal of all the crazy, mind bending, hysterically funny stuff and someday write a book. The only problem is that by the time I settle down in the evenings to accomplish such, I'm worn out and brain dead.........Hang in There fellow Caregivers!........ Sharing here really helps. I'm glad to have found this site last night. God Bless You All!!

Sometimes I'll tell my grandmother that if she crosses me, I will put her in Shady Pines. (Referring to "The Golden Girls" - the nursing home Estelle Getty's character had been there and her daughter kept threatening to put her back in).