What hassle about caring for a parent or family member drives you crazy?

As petty as this may seem, it drives me nuts.  When I get home form work, I call to check on  my mother before she goes to dinner (assisted living).  This call usually takes less than 5 minutes, just to let her know that I made it home, and to check on her day and her needs.  I then begin making dinner for our family.  My husband can't stand the fact that I have to call her at any time (that is why she is in assited living or she will call you if she needs anything.....).  His jealously concerning my  additional responsibility of my mother makes me crazy. 

I work all day and when I get home, I do not even have a chance to breath and my Dad starts asking what he can do to help get dinner ready.   I know he means well, but I would like to have a few minutes to relax before I get started on Dinner.   I do have to be greatful that at 100 he is stil able to get around and take care of himself.   But since he lives with me, I really do not get any free time as he also wants to go where ever I go on the weekends.  

Dad keeps changing his mind about everything. He tells me to make a doctor's appointment. Then he tells me to cancel it. Then he tells me he wants it after all. Then he changes his mind again.  He sends me off to buy something that he can't live without, and then he decides against it and I have to return it.  It's time-consuming and frustrating.

I apologize if this "content" is already in the message board, in one way, or another. After providing in excess of 4,500 home health care visits, allow me to mention that it is not usual and customary, nor is it part of community standards of care practices in the field of home health care, to inquire ask: (other than open ended questions) Has the care provider (adult child) been a victim of sexual, or physical abuse when growing up in their family? danieltheadvocate@yahoo.com    Florida

The youngest of five children, I live with and care for my 84 year old father.  I take care of the cooking, cleanning, the yardwork,  take him to all his medical appointments, and I spend all my spare time with him, all while working a 40 hour  week.  Each of my friends have gone through similar situations with their own aging parents, so they had some helpful advice to give. When I want to make time with my friends, I invite them over to the house for a nice home cooked meal, a couple of bottles of wine, and a couple of dvds that I know my father will enjoy while I talk with my friends.  And sometimes we have a night out at the local pub  where my dad enjoys watching sports on the big screen tv  while we ladies eat and have a drink or two and talk.   His memory is a bit faulty, so I do repeat myself quite a bit, his health slipped a bit last year so I had to use some sick time and vacation time to care for him.  Sometimes I feel tired and burdened, but the I remind myself that whatever time my father and I have left together is precious. My other sibblings live far away, but they come and visit when they can, they help with repair work around the house when they are here, and call at least once a week to talk to their father . Unfortunately I have one brother who contributes nothing to my dad's care and only calls when he needs financial aid, but I figure he has his own problems to deal with.  It's a lot to do taking care of a aging parent or other family member, but I look on everyday you get to spend together as a reward, and I feel it's the least I can do for someone who was there for me, not only in childhood, but for my adult life as well.  Hang in there everybody!Mary R

My brother does not help me, and I have total responsibility for caring for our Mom, who is sliding further into dementia.  I always wonder if I am doing the right thing by her, no matter what the decision is.  Should I change her meds?  The doctors and nurses who I pay for their advice, all seem to agree that what we are doing is right...but there is really no one for me to ask.  I don't know anyone personally, who has had to deal with their Mom introducing them to others as her "Mom", or who has had to deal with getting a reluctant mother to shower (she says she will when I am gone, then she either forgets, or never intended to!)  I wish I had the wisdom to know that what I am doing is the right thing to do...I visit her 3-4 times a week, bring her favorite candies and snacks, try to encourage her to drink more water, but still I can't seem to shake the feeling that I should be doing SOMETHING more for her...not sure WHAT, but nothing I do seems to help her!  My husband and 4 teens tell me I am doing a good job...I wish I believed that.

My mom seems to zero in on the things I don't do well, like remember to water her plants.  And she will laugh at me with her 'friends' about my killing her plants.  I make her meals, clean her toilets, maintain her pill supply, yet she laughs at my faults.  It's hard to dismiss the hurt.

I feel your pain.  I too was once in that position.  I took my mother to her granddaughters  wedding in Conn. where my other brothers and sisters also attended.  The journey was difficult (I will never do it again) with the wheelchair, luggage, oxygen concentrator, diapers, frequent urination etc.  The room was kept like a sauna and between pushing the chair, moving the luggage, helping her to the bathroom, getting her dressed etc., I probably lost 10 lbs in fluids.  While my other brothers and sisters were visiting the hotel room, she would tell me to do this and do that.  My younger brother finally spoke up and said, "Mom don't you ever say please or thank you?".  Maybe she should send you back up north!

This struck a cord deep within my mother and she has done a 100% turn around, and it has been over one year.  Maybe someone else should mention her fault of faulting you and point out how much you help.

To Dino: I have had to tell my grandmother that she needs to say Please and Thank You. I don't know why the oldsters forget that simple thing! For a while it was "You go get my paper right now!". I told her "No, it is "Will you please get my paper?".

Biggest hassels: 

Mine is somewhere between the Grocery Shopping and the trash.

I've had trash duty since summer. Don't ask me why, but there is a specific bucket (3 total) for different refuse (there's no recycling here). And a large variety of trash bags for different buckets and uses. I finally did put an end to the bucket thing....it's a bag of trash, it's going in whichever bucket I put it in.

However: I can't put an end to her worrying. I like to take it out on Monday night, for Tuesday pick up. Trash collection comes anywhere as early as 9 am and as late as 5 pm. But....if it's windy, she worries the bucket will fall over and things will blow around. She also worries about the weight of each trash bag and insists the trash men throw the buckets in the ditch for revenge for the bags being too heavy (*sigh*). She also insists the trashmen will know what is in each bag.........

Grocery Shopping.....that can be a nightmare. She is house-ridden, so I do this task by myself. I try to make sure to go over the list, the coupons, and the store ad with her before I leave the house.

(1) Her list will be very vague: "Bread", "OJ", "Milk".

(2) She is brand sensitive. I have a 5 page list on my PC: If the list says "Bread" - this brand is preferred, do not buy this one.....

(3) Her list....for facial tissue, she writes down "Kleenex"....so I have to look at the store ad and coupons to figure out if she wants Store Brand, Puffs, or the Kleenex brand.

(4) There's a few items on the above mentioned list - even if she says buy it.....don't. Just say it's out of stock. It's much easier than listening to the complaints later......

(5) I've had to repeatedly ask her to give me extra money for her purchases. It screws up my budget when I have to ATM/DEBIT part of her stuff because she didn't give me enough.

(6) I'm sorry the price of your prescription went up, but it's not MY fault.

(7) She knows I have a bad back. Could she please atleast open the door while I am hauling in her stuff? 

(8) I've learned to immediately give her the receipt and her change, or be accused the next day of not giving them to her.

I am so sick and tired of constant discussions about poop! It's either OMG I haven't gone. I think I'm dying. We'd better call the funeral parlor and make plans (funeral has already been planned and prepaid). Or it's' dealing with diarrhea 4+ times a day. There doesn't seem to be any way to distract my 94 yo mother from her bowels. HELP! Does anyone have any suggestions?

So Tired

You made me laugh..I live with the same thing. Just when I get his bed tray of food on his lap, and sit myself down to eat, guess what..he has to urinate. Get the urinal he'll say. I move everything out of the way, set him up, and..he changes his mind. He'll say, guess it was a false alarm. As far as POOP goes, he constantly inquires, when was the last time, I need a laxative, worry, worry, worry. Then we go from constipation to diarrhea. Where will the fun end.

Yes, I deal with all that too! Things got somewhat better when we got an external catheter for Dad. I just try to change the subject when the topic of poop arises.

The Home health nurse said she was going to order an external cath for him. It's been two weeks and I haven't heard a word about it. Spoke to Doc today and the home health is in the approval loop AGAIN. Time seems to mean nothing to those who are not in our position. They just don't realize what agony such situations create for us caregivers. But, we have found a place to share with other who do.

I am new to the caregiving thing and EVERYTHING drives me nuts....but the one thing that is driving me bonkers is that Mom will not express a preference for anything....food, entertainment, clothes etc. It's "do whatever YOU want"... I don't need anything special etc. etc.

Another issue is that she won't do anything to entertain herself and therefore follows me around whenever I do anything....ever reads my e-mails if I am on my laptop in the living room. Can't engage her in any distractions such as reading, puzzles, etc. The only thing she will look at are sales flyers from the stores and then wants to buy things for an apartment she is no longer living in. Have actually gone along with this "fantasy" of her returning home on the advice of the Alzheimer's counselors but we wind up with "stuff" which she keeps in her room and which I try to remove before she notices....

Don't know if this will help anyone but I got an email today with this story on it.

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.

The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.

When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?'

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh,I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.

' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

My grandma moved in with us 7 months ago, and she is under the impression we are her servans not her family. I work all day and my husband takes care of her while I work. From the second I get up to the second she goes to bed it is running around from her. She refers to when we are having dinner, she places her "order" and it takes me, my husband and both kids to get her dinner ready because she wants 1/2 teaspoon of this a bite of this, 2 tsp of the other....and it goes on and on as we are fixing her plater her "order" changes continuesly.... When I walk in the door she has a list of stuff she need ME to do that she doesnt want my husband to do. I know some of it is her dementia, but some of this is down right onryness. She orders us all around all day to the point none of us even want to ask her if she needs anything. She has recently started having panic attacks if there is not someone in the room at all times. This is very hard to do with 2 teenagers and a full time job. If we are cleaning house or anything where someone is not in the room with her it is a horrible mess, she breaks down. God forbid all 4 of us leave the house. We cannot go to dinner or even out shopping. She won't leave the house a all so we are kind of prisors in our own home. I have worked in the medical feild for 18 years, I do not know why everything seems to bother me now, bt ti does. Every conversation in our house revolves around grandma's pooping and peeing. She is completly obsessed with it. We try to tell her that that conversation does not fit just anywhere but it kees on. Grandma is early in the dementia stages and does still know a lot of wha she does. She will not do anything to entertain herself, because she says her eyes bother her so she will not read, she has lost most of her hearing so its hard to communicate with her. She gets so upset if we are oour computers or playing a game. She doesn't want to join in but she doesn't want us doing it either. She just sits and stairs at us and we are supposed to do the same. I do not know what to do to keep her entertained. Please let me know if anyone else is going through this?

Ohhhh we go through the SAME thing, it is constant my grandma worries if she doesn't poop EVEYTIME she uses the toilet, but the once she does she complains she goes to much. If she misses one time she swears she is constipated. I have never talked about poop and pee so much in my life. Now every conversation revolves around it!! When I tell her whats for dinner the firs question is "will it make me poop?"... Uhhhh it is driving us all nuts.

Wow I can sympathize with you! My mom does the same thing, sits at the table, waiting for dinner to be served. Same thing with breakfast, sits at the table and lets me serve her. Occasionally she will ask if she can do anything but that is rare.

The not wanting to do anything is EXACTLY what my mom does also! You will ask her if she wants to do this that or any other thing and she always says do what you want to do and then just sits and stares at us!!!!! It is annoying. I am going through that right now, have been cooking all morning and she was reading the paper and then just watches me..... Wish I could find SOMETHING to interest her....yesterday she sorted a bag of socks which I had saved up for a year but can't do that very often.... Have to laugh or go crazy....know that I'm thinking of you during your struggles.

Cape Cod, My grandma starts demanding things before her feet even hit the floor. I tell her time and time, grandma it's not what you ask for its how you ask for it. Say please or thank you. She is still getting dressed in the moring and already placing her "order" for breakfast. She gets up so early and wants me to cook her a full breakfast before I even have a chance to wash my face and wake up. I cook her breakfast, during the week my husband does it, then I cook dinner when I get home. Its non-stop. Once I get home from work if I sit down she gives me dirty looks and will say "whell I need you to do this....... but since you sat down I guess your not going to." So up I go. She even does that with stuff I didn't know I was supposed to do. She will think she asked for something she never asked for. Then when my mom calls to tell her good night it is a whole conversation on things we didn't do today. Nothing ever mentioned about the 9000 things we DID do. She also has started this thing where she asks me if I think she should do.... like "Do you think I should walk?" Do you think I need a Tylenol" and I kid you not, She even asks "Do you think I need to wipe?" After using the bathroom. My grandma has a mile long list of excuses why she can't do ANYTHING!!!! She lived alone until 7 months ago but you would never know it. She won't even get up to wash her hands or get a tooth pick. She wants everything brought to her. I just now made her stop brushing her teeth in the livingroom, she will finally go to the bathroom for that. I agree there isn't much to do but laugh or go crazy.... some days I laugh some days I go crazy and cry!!! I am think of you as well.

Capecod and Mischk...My mom is the same way. She doesn't want to do anything but at least she sits at her computer to play computer games. She virtually ignores everything else. Do you think that this is something that happens with age..that we get to a point and we don't really want to do anything again???

Up until 3 years ago, my mom ran her own house and kept it very clean. She did her own dishes and prepared meals for my dad. Dad died and everything ceased...and she is getting worse every day. She won't even use a microwave anymore.

But she is deaf and nearly blind. She cannot breathe as she has CO2 retention. She weighs 94 lbs. Maybe depression over the loss of her 57 year marriage when Dad died was what put her over the edge. But I have to believe that when I am deaf, blind, breathless, etc....maybe I won't be too kind to live with.

But I also told my children...I will not forgive them if they don't put me in a home. I will not put my children through this. Even if I love my mom very much, a great deal of my life and the life of my sister has been turned upside down because we have to think first what to do with mom whenever we want to do anything.

My sister and I cannot leave town at the same time anymore. Mom wants one of us around....without really thinking about how confining that is in the summer because on the weekends, we both like to go places and since my sister works, she is the one that goes and I stay and make sure mom is okay.

Mom will not make dinner for herself, will not heat up anything, will not eat a nutritious lunch if not made for her and then only barely eats that. Mom will not give up her banking but she can't see to write or sign her checks or balance a checkbook. So, basically, I do it all and when she needs money, I have to go to her house, get a check, make it out to cash, then go to the bank, get the money, then take it back to her. Same thing with stamps....at the post office. AND WHEN SHE GETS A BILL IN THE MAIL, IT IS THE MOST URGENT THING ON THE PLANET!!!!!! SHE NEEDS TO GET IT WRITTEN IMMEDIATELY. (think maybe she is afraid she will forget it or that they will cancel her life insurance..but I finally convinced her to have that withdrawn electronically...and now she's worried that I will forget to put it in her checkbook!!)...can't win.

My mom lives with my sister but we both share in the caregiving. My sister is financially more able to care for mom but I take mom on all of her appointments, haircuts, banking, etc. One of her appointments every 6 months is a 4 hour round trip for me. She has 4 doctors and sees most of them every 3-6 months. I also relieve my sister 2 nights a week for dinner with mom and stay with mom when my sister goes on vacation (last year that was four weeks and every weekend from June-October. I finally got a vacation in October for 4 days as I had to be home by the weekend. Oh, and my sister moved this last Spring so mom was here for a month including Easter. I also spend at least 3 days a week with mom. So my retirement has been a lot less than I expected. 1 4 day vacation this year and nearly 1 nervous breakdown.

I took mom for Thanksgiving and we all got together for Christmas and New Years eve.

Anyway, enough rambling...sometimes we all need to vent. I still love mom and will be heartbroken when she's gone. What's that saying the more we do for someone...the more we miss them when they're gone..........AHA...That's it....she's afraid I won't miss her!!! That's not going to happen..I will be devastated. But my sister and I will never have the same relationship and I don't want that for my kids.

PT Cruzr:

I TOTALLY agree with you. I am working on my husband to get long term care insurance for the both of us so that my children will not have to go through this. I know my mother was adamant that she did not want to come live with me because she knew she would be a burden and would change our lifestyle dramatically.....unfortunately she just wasn't able to stay by herself living 400 miles away. At least you are lucky enough to have a sibling, I am an only child which means there is NO hope of an escape. Last weekend my hubby went away by himself to our vacation home while I stayed here with Mom, It's difficult but what can you do?
Good luck and please feel free to vent, it helps to know there's someone who understands what you're going through.

Cape cod...you need to find someone to care for your mom so you can go away for an overnight. You need to rejuvenate. It's too hard not to get away. This summer when my sister was gone on the weekends, I insisted that I could not be with mom every weekend, so we found a home care provider for one overnight..Of course, mom needed me to show her what to do...even tho the girl was perfectly capable. And we also enlisted grandchildren and great grandchildren for a night here and there. A good place to check for helpers might be a school of nursing or nursing students who would be willing to stay for a couple of hours. Good luck to you. You need a break.

I TOTALLY agree with you. I am working on my husband to get long term care insurance for the both of us so that my children will not have to go through this. I know my mother was adamant that she did not want to come live with me because she knew she would be a burden and would change our lifestyle dramatically.....unfortunately she just wasn't able to stay by herself living 400 miles away. At least you are lucky enough to have a sibling, I am an only child which means there is NO hope of an escape. Last weekend my hubby went away by himself to our vacation home while I stayed here with Mom, It's difficult but what can you do?