What do you secretly wish you could say to your siblings about your role in caring for your parent?

I wish I could tell them to stop telling me what to do for mom -- and do some of it themselves! I know they mean well, but it really makes my blood boil when they come to visit every few months and drop comments like, "I think Mom's lonely, she needs to get out more." It's like they're suggesting I should take her out more, but I'm already doing so much! I want to say, well then come more often yourself and take her out for dinner! She's so happy when my siblings come from out of town, and she sees me all the time because I live nearby. They don't realize how much she misses them and I don't want to make them feel guilty.

I would tell my older brother that I can only be so pushy with doctors.  Whenever I report back to him about something one of them said, he immediately flies off the handle with "Well you tell them that isn't acceptable and they need to do xyz."  I'm an assertive person.  I do push back on the docs when we need it.  But the bottom line is that I still need these people on our side helping our parents.  I just can't walk in there yelling after every appointment. 

There's a whole dynamic of caregivers being told what they should and shouldn't be doing, by other family members who are less involved in the caregiving. Often the members of the "peanut gallery" make these unhelpful suggestions out of feelings of either guilt or helplessness themselves about the situation of the ill family member.

What is needed is to talk with, and listen to the main caregiver, and then determine where one can help.

I wish they would show more concern.  I'm the only one that lives locally and I"m doing all the footwork for Medicaid, nursing home, elder care lawyer, I"m just so exhausted and I myself suffer from fibromyalgia and RA so it really gets to my body.  My dad never did any of the bills since mom didn't want to show him so he is clueless.  I just want to scream and run.  It's just so hard with a full time job and they  are and hour away.

I wish that they would listen when I tell them that their mom misses them and wishes they would spend more time with her.  Everyone (Children, adult grandchildren) lives within 15 - 30 miles of us.  There is no reason why she should have to wait to see her family  3 -4 times a year. (Holidays - and even that is not guaranteed)  Sometimes they come get her for church on Sunday(1 - 2 days a month) - but there is always an excuse and my MIL is passive aggressive so she will never ask.  MIL would rather sit in her room with EWTN on than ask one of 6 different families to come get her.  Ironically - they are the only ones she can talk about when she comes to dinner at night (She lives with us - DH, myself and 2 granddaughters ages 13 and 4)   I get so PO'd at this whole situation because when she was in the nursing home - someone was there EVERYDAY and everyone made a point to visit at least once a week.  I was pressured to take her back home with use (Because of her new health issues) but now I wonder if I did her a disservice by bringing her home.  She saw more of the people she loves when she was in the NH.  I get so upset by the whole situation.....  It's hard to watch my MIL be so sad all the time.

 I really hate handling my dad's finances.  As soon as I go to bed at night, all the worries about how he's over budget and dipping into his savings every month come flooding in.  I feel anxious, because I think it's my fault that I didn't know how much extra having a caregiver around would increase his expenses.  I thought he'd be able to live within his SS & pension income.  I see his savings slowly dwindling away, and know that there's no way to replace it once it's gone.  He does not own his home or have any significant assets.   We are lucky to have the caregiver we have, who accepts $200/week to live with him, cook, clean, talk, anything.  If I was stuck in his little home with him 24/7, I'd want to get out to dinner and a movie every now and then too, so I know that those costs are justified.  It's my own fear of inadequacy that's controlling these feelings, and I wish I knew how to corral them better.  Thanks for listening.

I would like to tell my spouse and her family that this is only a passing season in life.  They will not always have dad here on earth even if he is a bit confused and sometimes not real cooperative.  Live for the good times, stop majoring on the bad, and enjoy the time left with him.  I think they need to create more positive experiences for him rather than always telling him what he should be doing.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the "care" that we miss what kind of life that the "person" is really living.

New Mexico Tam,

I am in the same boat.  I find I cannot work on any of the finances or paperwork after 6 p.m.  otherwise it irritates me and I cannot sleep at night.  My mom, we found out after we put her in the nursing facility in October, was using the credit card convenience checks when the money ran out at the end of the month. The bills were astrinomical.

I would like to tell my husbands brother..his only living relative..that it does not make any difference if he likes me or not, this is his brother and he could take some of the stress off me and take him for a week or two to help  me out. He uses the excuse he does not like me so therefore he does not have to help at all. I am to the point that I will probably have to divorce his brother to get some help from the state for his care since we are right at the point at not enough money to get assistance and not enough money to pay for it ourselves. Hope his brother enjoys all the money he has and all the time he has being able to not have to help with this problem.

I want to tell them " If you can't help w/ the solution, don't add to the situation.

I would like to tell my sister that her social life is not as important as taking care of our Dad.  He lives with me and I have the most responsiblity for his care.  Sometimes, I would just like her to take him for a long weekend so I could have some personal time.  When I ask, all she does is read off all her scheduled items and tells me she can't do it.   Yet she belives she is doing all she can as she does take him to the doctors as I work full time and she does not.

I try not to be angry, but sometimes it just gets to me.

I am not sure exactly what I would say as there are so ,so many thing's ?I guess I'd start with "...I'm not the only child you all seem to think I am ..." or how about "...I'm the youngest of 4 ...where are the rest of you ?..." ....

My siblings I think mean well ,My brother DOES help ,but my Sisters are good for nothing and I am just lonely ALL THE TIME .I may not be alone but I sure feel alone .Mom has refused to see a Dr. for over 5 years now and somehow they all think it's my fault ?I can't FORCE MOM into the car ...hell if I did I'd get pegged an abuser ?Yet they seem to think if that's what it take's ?Well I say if that's what it take's then come over here and YOU MAKE HER GO !

I have'nt had a day off in years .I guess that'd be my gripe ,ANY ONE OF YOU ....PLEASE SIT WITH MOM FOR 1 WEEK ...

BellaMia...I appreciate you chiming in with me, and am sorry to hear about how your mom handled her credit cards.  I check my dad's accounts first thing each morning, then seem to be able to forget about it during the day when I am busy, but then it comes right back up when my mind empties to go to bed.  Such is our lot in life.  Hang in there! 

mrshappy7105 -I completely understand as I am in the same boat when it comes to my Siblings .They live much closer though ,My Sis is 2 blocks away !!!Yet she doesn't even "Drop In" at all .

I am also the youngest ,and I have had to accept the fact that I cannot have kids due to our already strained finances with Mom .But thats my choice ,I just wish my siblings would find something of theirs to sacrifice and it not always be My husband or Me .They act as if I'm the only one ,yet when Mom was in CCU everybody said they'd help ?

I guess that is what I'd wanna say to Anyone --If you cant help ,dont say you will and leave it at that .