Hi, Giving ourselves permission is hard to do and allowing ourselves time to ourselves makes us feel as if we are somehow are neglectful of our parent or of the person(s) we are taking care of. If we don't take care of ourselves how do we have the energy and stama to care for others. I struggled with this too. I for example was there too much for my mom and when she said jump I jumped and wrecked my car in the process which could have been prevented. I wanted my own life, but refused to say no when I could. You mention your mom can take care of herself for the most part-allow me whose mom has gone to Heaven after years of caretaking, to give you some things to think about. First mom was someone who wanted someone to care for her by just being present even when she wasn't in need so when she said jump I jumped. My sister always said, take time for the present because it will get worse when you will not have time to take out for you. In essence I am suggesting to relax and rest when your mom is in better health. Give yourself permission to read all day as long as your mom knows you are either near if she needs you or yes take a day off by allowing a friend of hers or yours to be present while you give yourself permission to have luch with a friend or whatever. Believe me you will have a time when you can't. Take a bubble bath or whatever makes you feel good. I think wanting your own life is healthy and you will have it again, but not allowing time for you will not allow you to be there for later. I was in total care all day while my sister took the nights and then I also worked before she got so bad. It is when you give yourself a break that we allow the rest to come mentally which is important for you will break down. When you aren't able to later you will become ill and can't be there when you are desperately needed... Take time to laugh for later there will feel as if the tears will not stop. Evenwhen mom is worried about being alone she will come across as extra needy if you don't have no help locate the local Hospice. Go and talk with one of the Pastors this helped me to know how to take care of me if nothing else you can talk about what is going on in you. Oh how wonderful it is to share all the pain, fears, and questions we have in our heart. They are able to guide you and also when it gets bad they have a respite care and there are support groups. They are a valuable resource. Remember it is in listening to our own self that we can make it through the tough times. No the guilt will not disappear, but you will thank yourself for you are able to be there in a better way for mom. Don't forget I am here for you when you need to talk.

If your mom is pretty much independent set up times for your "me time". A couple of hours a day set aside just for yourself. Let your mom know of these times anything she need should be asked for before or after the hours you have set. Maybe you can have someone come over for the day to give you a break. I totally understand what you need. When I asked my sister to come over a couple of hour on the weekend she had the nerve to say I don't even go anywhere, can you believe that? Never mind I have housework kids to run around or maybe I would like the luxury of sleeping in. I know now she doesn't understand we as caregiver need time to ourselves in our own homes without interruption just to do what ever it is we want or don't want to do. You must take the time you need for yourself because as your mom get older and illness take hold you WILL NOT have any time for yourself. Find a way to make time for yourself you deserve it.

Can your mom get by without you for a few hours or does she need to be constantly watched? If not then you should take a few hours a week to spend time with yourself. Do what makes you happy and relaxed, like getting massage or a manicure & pedicure.

Or if she needs to be watched, hire a caregiver for a few hours so that you have some time to do what you want!!

Hi Imelda, I know what your mean. The people we care for, my spouse for example, have a desire to live thru us and to control us. I think it is because they have lost control of their own life, due to aging or illness. They are trapped by themselves, scared and frustrated. Have you considered a pet for your mom? My husband has refused to let us have a dog for years; now, i have almost convinced him it would be a great idea. As soon as possible we are taking a trip to the animal shelter and check out what's available. We shall keep doing so, until he finds what makes his heart jump. It must be his choice, for I want a companion for him, other than me. He must control the choice; that way the dog will be welcome in our home. It would be wonderful for him to have a special friend to sit outside in the sun with and to keep him busy so i could take a shower once a day, without him screaming for me, and sit in the car with him while i run in the store and try and get some errands done without worrying that he is waiting for me.