Them's fighting words!

"You never told me that" is one.  Even though I know my father has memory loss this is a phrase he's been saying since I was born and it drives me crazy because it is such a passive and accusatory statement!

Great topic!  With my dad, it was "whatever will happen, will happen." which basically meant to me "eating bacon won't really affect my cholesterol" or similar.  That would drive me NUTS!

Where do I start? 

I could go into a long, Long, LONG list.

But to sum it up: She could easily sing that Ugly Kid Joe song "I hate everything about you".

I can tell her the sky is blue, she'll tell me I'm wrong. Someone else can tell her the sky is pink and plaid polka dots....that person is correct.

My appearance is critized. She hates my hair color, style, length. Makeup - darned if I do, darned if I don't (never enough, or too much)

God forbid I have a pimple.

I'm well into my 30's, been with two men....but I'm a tramp.(put into worse words)

Use too much water on the garden (There was a leak in the hose, she gave me less than 24 hours to get out....she changed her mind after I started packing).

Have to be quiet. So no guitar, no tennis, no singing, 

Having friends over: Oh boy. Most of my friends are male. So she has to wonder about what the neighbors think......And she has hated 99.9% of my friends since I was 3.......

The trash.....I still can't figure out the difference in the bags, color of handles, which goes into which bucket.....

There is 4 shelves of cleaners.....don't ask me.....

Me cooking for myself is an argument.....Got out the griddle, she had to tell me to wash it (duh),

Anytime I'm in the kitchen and she is nearby = argument.

I can't even change a roll of toilet paper without criticism.

Let's see - the top ones are:

Finding a reminder for a Dr's appointment that she so helpfully called the Dr's office to change the appointment to a different day and a time of day that makes me take 3 hours off work, instead of being near my lunch hour. And does not tell me - I notice it at a visit. Then pouts when I tell her that she is costing me over $90 by changing this appointment - of course, no offer to reimburse me.....

"You never told me about that appointment" only 6 times in the last hour, and 8 times over the last week.

"I CAN DO MY OWN LAUNDRY" As the mold and smell builds up in the apartment because she has foot fungus and only rinses her compression socks, or just folds the dirty ones up and puts them back in the drawer with the clean ones. Or forgets to use soap in the washing machine and doesn't use the dryer when she washes towels and sheets - just folds them up and puts them somewhere dark and damp.

"Why do you look in my cupboards at my cups and dishes?" Because you put the dirty ones in the dish washer, then forget to run it. Takes out the dirty glasses and dishes and put them back on the shelf.

"The food in the fridge is fine." No, green mold is not fine on leftovers. And the milk in here is out of date 3 weeks. You have had this same butter tub in here for over a year.

And on and on and on.....

Anything that she doesn't agree with. Anything that even faintly sounds like criticism.

My mother is 88yrs. old; and I know she has dementi(undiagnosed. EVERTHING is an argument! I am an only CHILD; age 61 with no one to help me with her. If I offer to help she refuses. than calls in hystercs crying that she has no help. She lives alone in her own home and won't budge. She mistrusts EVERYONE; including my husband and myself. I have never given her reason for this mistrut. I am frustrated beyond words. On top of her problems; we are grieving the loss of our daughter. I'm ready to say, do whatever you want and leave me alone! I'm open to any ideas; this is the short version.

Lovells, You have prompted me to go give my sister a hug who helps with Mom. (Mom is in the same condition as you've described yours) and I guess all of us are grieving the loss of 'the good daughter' or in my case, my sister. (But she was justifiably all of our favorites. I'm so sorry you have lost your daughter. I try to remind myself that I don't know what my mom is feelign because I didn't lose a child, but lost sister was my best friend).

I have more or less thrown my hands up with Mom and told 'do what you want and good luck'.....she has slowly come around to taking the help and complying more. It's a miracle really. Prayers and light to you.

Thank you AmazedNIndy - you are absolutely correct, sometimes with recalcitrant adults (even those without dementia), pulling back and saying do what you want and good luck - causes them to do an about-face. Some people just thrive on contention, and when you back off and take your own space and control what you can in your life and let the rest go, they realize that they are missing something important to them. Happened to my former Mother-In-Law about 2 years before I divorced her son - I did everything I could, then finally gave up and did what I preferred without interfering in her world. She came around. Of course, it ended when I divorced her son - which was fine.

My mother just moved in with my husband and me almost 2 months ago. I have tried to make her feel comfortable and help her all I can altho she is a very independant person. She has osteoarthritis and is on pain pills and morphin pain patch. The problem is we never can seem to get along anymore. Everything I say she disagrees with and we end up arguing.She also has trouble concentrating and remembering things which I brought up to the dr but of course she disagreed with that too. Also she doesn't want to be left alone so now we have to take her everywhere we go so my husband and I never have time alone or can go anywhere without her. I try to explain that we need time just to our selves since we have only been married 6 yrs and we enjoy going places. She feels we should take her everywhere with us.We can't even talk in our own home without her comming in and getting into the converstation. I feel like I am in a hopeless situation and don't suggest assisted living..thats another argument!!

Oh CountryGalj-b, I know how you feel. My mom hasn't moved in with us yet :knock wood:: but when we discused it before I told her I would have a list of 'boundaries' she would have to agree to observe, one of which was staying completely OUT of my marriage /relationship/discussions etc. and that I/we (hubby and I) would still expect to have our alone time, that I needed to 'ease' into mornings and didn't want to chitter/chatter constantly, that she'd be moving in so we could HELP her in terms of finances and however else it progressed to, but I was not going to be her built in full time 'companion'. I tried to say it nicer then I just typed it, but it was still enough to 'get her back up' and get offended enough to determine that 'moving in with me wasn't going to be any fun'. I agreed it would be a mistake for her to expect it to be FUN..it would, at best, be FUNCTIONAL. Sometimes I find brutal honesty to work best because it's like to drive a point home and get her to really 'get it' I have to OVER hammer it home. In terms of Dr's appts, I usually write stuff down, sometimes I show her my list of questions before hand, but mostly not.
We've been playing the 'take me with you' game for years now since her husband went into a nursing home. Now if I want to discourage her, I give her a detailed list of what we are doing (Chores, running, I stress we are going to be 'in and out ' of a lot of places) and the capper, if I want to be sure she won't want to go, I make it clear that we are, absolutely, going to eat at a place she doesn't like (Japanese steak house), that is always the cincher, if we aren't willing to eat where she wants, she opts out). Is there a place you and your husband can retire to to be alone? I have always insisted our bedroom/bath is OFF LIMITS to anyone at anytime, because I found a long time ago since we are in a ranch, one floor, people in general seemed to think every room was open for roaming around in. EVERYONE deserves their private space and don't feel bad about demanding it...but I am probably a bit more assertive with my mom then most people. There maybe something wrong with me..haha

There is a very important word that all caregivers need to learn it is the word: NO. Don't let the whining or the pouty lips or the puppy dog eyes or the masterful guilt trips from hell run your life. If you choose to give over all of your power to the loved one you are caring for this is YOUR CHOICE> Own it, be ok with it or say NO. No need to explain. Just no will do fine. Make a date night if need be so it is part of "the routine". Get some respite care (babysitting for a few hours once a week) if you need to but don't hand your life over to their illness. You will end up resenting them instead of loving them when they need it most. NO...remember when we were the kids they had no problem saying it to us. Now they are the kids. No. It works, really. And you don't have to pack your bags for a guilt trip either. You have CHOICE in the matter.