Hello all. I am SO frustrated!!! I have tried fruitlessly on NUMEROUS occasions to try and get both of my parents to quit going up and down the basement stairs (13 steps!) to do laundry and to allow me to come and do it for them. I just live 3 blocks away from them and am over there practically everyday anyway! Also, I already have got them talked into allowing me to cook them a nice healthy big meal on Sunday afternoons but they insist on fixing their own meals the rest of the time. One night last week supper consisted of bologna on crackers & apple slices. Now that sounds like a fine snack or lite lunch BUT NOT A DECENT DINNER!!! Dad is 81 and cooks up something pretty good once in awhile like a pot of Chili or Bean Soup but he has to sit on a stool the whole time he does it. Mama is 63 (I know, big age difference) and physically, she can cook but her disabilities are in the mental area. She is extremely forgetful and does really silly but harmful at times things. Like leaving the burner on while she takes the pot to the sink to drain the water and stuff like that. Dad can hardly walk anymore and uses a walker but there is stuff everywhere so it is difficult for him to get through. I've gone and cleaned a walkway many times and gone back the next day and they've both put stuff back out in his way. Their bills are piled on the coffee table along with a TON of other junk mail and who knows what else. I've tried calling the companies to find out what the monthly fee is and on what date it is due each month so we can write it on the calendar. Now we just have to get them to remember to look at the calendar. I try to drive them wherever they need to go but in talking to them, I discover that Mama has went here or there after I've gone home in the late afternoon. Dad is pretty good about not driving anymore. I believe it has been months since he has driven. He threatens ALL the time that he's gonna drive up to his favorite little market which is only about 3 blocks away but that's far enough for him to cause or be in a wreck as he would have to get out on a major street to get there. This whole caring for my parents just sprung up on me within this past year. I am not upset or resentful at all. I love them immensely and feel like I am simply giving back to them what they gave to me while raising me but it's actually like caring for children and I don't have any kids so I am learning as I go!!! LOL Also, it is breaking my heart watching them decline because I remember the strong virile people that they once were and who they are now is so different. It just happened SO fast! One day they were fine and then BAM, they weren't it seems. I've spent alot of time crying and trying to come to terms with this but I'm having some issues with it myself. Spouse is very consoling and supportive and he goes over and helps around their house with me on the weekends when he's off. His father died w/o warning and his Mom lives on the other side of the country so he isn't going thru this with his family but he is very good to my parents. I have 2 brothers but one is a Captain in the Marine Corps stationed in Hawaii but currently in Afghanistan (prayers for him please!) or he would be here helping me. He says to me that when he retires in about 3 yrs he will come back here and live 'till Mama & Dad pass and help me with them. (He really wants to live in Hawaii) My other brother is basically a useless selfish person. He conveniently moved about an hour away from here. About the only thing I can get him to do is come in town occasionally to do a bit of yardwork but them Dad gives him gas money and he has the audacity to take it!!!! I could go on but I'll stop here. Basically I am just looking for ANY suggestions, comments, helpful hints that anyone may have for me since I am a fresh newbie to the "club". I bow to your experience and wisdom! LOL Thanks SO much, EvaBaby!
Hey Eva! Welcome to Caring.com. I'm really glad you joined us!
I think what you're experiencing is one lots of us can relate too. I don't know if this will work for your parents, but I find that if I can somehow convince my mom that what I'm doing for her really helps me, she's tripping over herself to allow it to happen. It's kind of cute, actually. I guess, in some ways, our parents will always want to feel like they're taking care of us, no matter how backwards that is from the actual situation.
When my dad was alive, we had problems with him insisting on driving and scaring us to death. It took lots of medical professionals talking to him about handing over the keys before he, very unceremoniously, did it. What hit home for him was when one doctor talked about how he'd never ever forgive himself if he harmed a child unintentionally with his vehicle. Is there a trusted medical professional who can have this discussion with your parents?
Another thought I had is putting together some substantial meals for your parents that are easy to heat up. Or maybe even cooking extra of what you're making your family and carry it over to them? I know that could get expensive, but maybe you can somehow get your parents to subsidize your grocery bill, telling them how it works out so great for you to get meat/dairy/veggies on bulk discount (wink wink nudge nudge) and cook it all up at once.
I'm interested in hearing what others have to say! Please keep us updated! And please tell your brother how sincerely thankful I am for his service in the military. I'll be sending prayers his way for a safe return home.
Thanks SOOOO much for your reply. I really like your ideas and think that they just might work! They are difinitely things I had not thought of yet so I am truly grateful that I found this site AND this group. By the way, am I in the right group or is their a more specific group that I should be in? I loved the idea about telling Mama that by letting me do for her that it somehow helps me. She is also the type that would do ANYTHING in the world to help me since I am her only girl and the only child who does do anything for them. Of course they do understand about Tim being unable due to his Military committment. Now that idea of a trusted doctor, that is right on because we just happen to go to Church with Dad's doctor and that is how Dad became his patient is because they got to become such good friends! Dad WILL listen to whatever Dr. Simon says to him! And Dr. Simon listens to me for input about what's been going on with Dad so this will work out marvelously!!! The idea of my cooking extra is a terrific idea except that they eat SO much earlier than we do BUT they could save it for the following day so there's a thought. They are really big on not letting anything go to waste so I could start it out like "I had all these leftovers and......". That would work with them! Now I've just got to sit down and plan this out so I have some really good menu's and know how much to buy before I go shopping. I'm a firstborn with OCD so I especially love to be organized! Drives my poor hubby crazy but Mama marvels at it! LOL Thanks for the prayers for my brother, Tim in Afghanistan. They are SO welcomed and prayer is a powerful thing indeed! Also, thanks again for all these wonderful tips and please keep me in mind if you think of anymore. I sure can use them!
Aww! I'm so happy something I said was helpful, Eva! That makes me feel good. And yes, I definitely think you're posting in the right group!
Receive the latest news and tips in your inbox