'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Latanak @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Latanak — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 10:35:38 -0000

You said it SusieG! I thank you for many of us.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by SusieG @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

SusieG — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 20:06:13 -0000

Most of the people posting here have experienced the difficulties of caring for an elderly, and typically feeble, loved one at home. They have willingly taken on the many responsibilities involved in dealing with medication, diet, dementia, doctor visits, and trips to the ER. Not to mention, finding and arranging for activities, giving comfort in the middle of the night, etc.

Why is it assumed that when the level of care needed for a loved one is better handled by professionals than the novice family caregiver, that the family caregiver is going to walk away and leave their loved one at the mercy of those horrible people in nursing homes?! Hello? The love and caretaking continues, just in a different setting.

Are there lonely, miserable old folks in nursing homes? Sadly, yes. Are there people who are visited regularly, taken to the doctor, brought gifts, goodies and pictures, and generally felt very loved by their family? YES!!!

When our arrangement at home was no longer the safest or best for my mom (after 8 years of home care), she moved to assisted living, and now to a skilled nursing facility. Do I still take care of her? YES! I visit, pay bills, confirm medications are appropriate, order the bathroom supplies she prefers. I know who takes care of her, how often people are talking to her and get her laundry done. I know what she eats and make sure she has bird feed outside her window so she can watch the birds. I make sure she has visitors at least 3x each week. This is not the ugly picture you paint of all nursing facilities. My mom feels comfortable, safe and well-cared for.

Does she have times of loneliness? Yes. Would she have times of feeling lonely if she was living on her own? Yes. Did she ever feel lonely when she lived with me? Yes. Is she frustrated that she has so many limitations on her body and mind? Yes. Can anything make that change? No. We move forward and do the best we can with what we have. Now that I am no longer worn out by being overtaxed with responsibilities that were beyond me, I have the time to sit with Mom. I have the time to take her for a drive. I have the time to be with her when she has a bad night.

Please stop vilifying all care facilities, or bemoaning your guilt, and concentrate more on how you can make your loved ones life the safest and most comfortable it can be.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Antonio Bedoya @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Antonio Bedoya — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 22:17:58 -0000

It´s terrible how people, leave their family (supossing to be their love ones, but I don´t think so) in different places, because nobody is going to treat them as a human being.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by PTCruzr @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

PTCruzr — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 07:38:02 -0000

Prairie Girl...SOunds like you made the best decision for you. I'm currently in counseling because my life has taken a turn. My sister and I share care for mom and she pays us for doing it. Although monetarily, it is not a lot, it does help. I'm retired but choose not to do home care full time as I have 2 adult children that find themselves in terrible situations right now. My oldest daughter just left an abusive relationship of 16 years and now lives about 30 minutes from me, without transportation, only a part time job and 2 children to support. My youngest daughter has been in a somewhat tense relationship with her boyfriend while they await the birth of their first child. However, last Sunday the boyfriend died suddenly. So now I have another child who will need a babysitter after the child is born in November. And my mom has been hospitalized for the past 2 weeks but is being discharged to my home on Monday. We went to the boyfriend's funeral on Friday and now must make preparations for mom's return...buying groceries, etc. and I'm so overwhelmed...I'm also in charge of the baby shower for next weekend and haven't even started on that. So we bury the father one weekend and the next weekend, have a baby shower.
I don't know how much more I can take but I keep reminding myself to breathe. Sometimes I just wish that I could leave mom at the skilled nursing facility because this next week is going to be too much. How do you plan a shower with games and such when the father of the baby just died???

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Prairie Girl @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Prairie Girl — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 14:30:27 -0000

After over 2 years my husband and I came to the decision to put my mother-in-law in a retirement center. It was with guilt and anguish, but my husband was under going tests for pre-leukemia and I told him that I could not care for them both, especially if we would need to travel elsewhere for treatment. I researched all the care homes in our area and found the one with the best ratings. We visited and made our choice. Then broached the subject with her. She was angry and could only think of herself and that we were "throwing her away like an old piece of luggage." Not that her only living child was facing terminal illness. And she is still angry. Even though she has been there for nearly three months and we visit unannounced at least once a week, she still gets her knife in our hearts and gives a twist when ever she can. She loves to cast guilt. She has made acquaintances, but no friends. She has always been a very friendly person, but seems to be holding back. I feel that she is afraid that she will actually like the place. She admits that she gets good care and that the staff are nice. I'm not sorry that we have her there where she is getting better care than I can give her. I feel that we are dong the best we are able for her. She does mention often that she would rather be in the home closer to us. But that home just doesn't have good inspection ratings for resident care and it smells bad. So for those who tell that they are happy to lovingly tenderly care for a parent to their dying day, my hat goes off to them. I suppose I'm just not a good caregiver, but I feel like I can handle making sure she has clothes, her medical is taken care of, and check on her often at unannounced times.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 04:40:54 -0000

I am always hearing things like this coming from an ethnic background where we were taught from the time we were children that the burden must fall on the children to take care of their parents and that we were obligated to repay our parents for raising us. This kind of mentality has caused many hours of anguish for us caretakers.

I feel that caretakers should not be judged if they can no longer do the job. How do you know the limits of their capability to be a 24 hour caretaker until you yourself have gone through it. The longer you do this (for example day after day, year after year)the more depleted you are physically, mentally and emotionally and every area of your life is affected by worry about that person who is so dependent on you like a small child. You are literally lost to being a constant servant.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by ageing gracefully @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ageing gracefully — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 17:38:22 -0000

fully agree!!!

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by ageing gracefully @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ageing gracefully — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 17:36:02 -0000

Hi, I want to say a few things. It is so easy for us as we are younger and alert to make that promise. I am 60 years old and my husband is on disability. I often wonder what would happen if I had to place him into a nursing home or living facility. First of all there is the cost and second the guilt. However. If My daughter decided to never place me in one what would she do to alleviate her guilt if with no choice? I have three grandchild and all of them also my daughter have always told me that they would NEVER place me in one. Because as my daughter was growing up I was a nursing asst in a nursing facility. It was so sad when many elderly were alert, healthy and sad. There families just dis-guarded them and every weekend they would sit with their purses in hand and wait for all day and alas no one came. These were NOT mentally sick or physically ill people just elderly in the way, and thrown away. In that case I do believe it should be a crime!!! If the siblings are able to care for them financially then they should. After all we as parents took care of them all their lives and then when it is our turn to need them...Oops we are off to the old farm. I saw it all I saw abuse by the faculty of very nice popular nursing home. Once an asst was being rough and talking about death in front of an elderly lady, sure she wasn't as alert as she once was but I looked into her eyes when the asst said " It doesn't matter if you rough her up she will be dieing soon anyway." The panic and fear in her eyes has stayed with me ever since that moment. She understood all that we were saying even me telling them to back off that she was hearing and understanding them. They did not care. She simply could not tell us. Her eyes spoke volumes to me that I had to leave work and I cried for hours Oh and let me tell you this. On a day when they knew families were coming they were bathe, change their clothes and take care of them, but any other day they would not! Many days they laid in their soiled diapers. except the ones who could use the facilities. And one head nurse talked to me all night about how she hates her job because she is over 50 and her kids and her are not close. She said that she knew she would be facing nursing home herself in the future. She stayed depressed every evening during my 11 PM to 7 AM shift, Now I ask you Should a person in that state of mind be working around the elderly and ill? I say a huge NO WAY! I witnessed scabies, aids and hepatitis where I contracted hep A. My aunt is 88 and she is in a living center it was independent, but now it is the other she has dementia.I believe that if a loved one is so sick and has or is loosing their memories that maybe then and only then should they be put in place that is suitable for them. But NOT just put there as you go a on your merry little lives with none of the responsibility that your parent or loved one gave to you. That is cruel and don't think that people with Alzheimer or dementia don't come out of it every now and then, because I witnessed that and they indeed do. It has to be a personal choice and one that you will be able to live with for the rest of your life until it is your children's turn to make the choice for you. Think really hard what would you want? That is all I can say at the moment, but not all I want to.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by cherubin3 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

cherubin3 — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 15:00:41 -0000

I completely understand your emotions. My 89 year old mother, which i too have had unresolved issues with, is now facing the long term nursing home situation. She just had a tumor removed from the front part of her brain. everyone tells me she will need a nursing home. I am fighting it all the way because she has always told me she did not want to go to a nursing home. Up to 3 weeks ago when she had the surgery, she lived alone in her own senior apartment. I've always had this guilt over me, that if she got sick i would have to do the impossible to take care of her. I have not been able to work in over 3 weeks, making sure that she gets back up from this surgery. I feel guilt, overwhelm, angry , tire, you name it i feel it. Taking one day at a time and hoping that if the time comes when i will have to face the fact , that this is inevitable, i will do what must be done. ,

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by sop832 @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sop832 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:10:16 -0000

I am struggling with ALL of this. The promise to my father, the guilt of wanting my life with my husband back, the devastation of my mother crying when we tell her she has to move from my house to a nursing facility. My sister has moved out of state and completely abdicated from the situation, and my husband is grieving his mother's death of a month ago and so I think he resents the care I give my mother. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders [and back and knees]I'm not taking care of myself, I know.I need a mammogram, GYN visit, dentist etc,etc. I only have 4 hrs a week to do all the other things, groceries, bank, etc. I work 4 days and have a sitter for her then, but one of the two sitters cannot be here early enough on two of the days, so I have to find a new sitter......and on and on and on. She has said that she wants to die, she doesn't understand why God would keep her alive to 95, but I told her that was between her and God, I wasn't going to hold a pillow on her face. No cliches or platitudes can help me with the reality of what I need to do, I just need to find the courage somewhere to do it.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Anonymous @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 19:42:47 -0000

My husband promised his mother he would never put her in a nursing home. And promised his dying dad he would always take care of her. That was when he was 15 yrs old. We have been married 22 yrs and my mother in law has lived with me for the last 17. She is bedbound (well, chair bound...she refuses to get in a bed) and is 24/7 total care. I have taken care of her every need all these yrs without any assistance from the inlaws or other family. I am on my last leg. I have osteo arthritis, fibromyalgia, depression, and thyroid disease. My health has gone down hill over the last 5 yrs due to not being able to get out of the house or have any time for myself or my children, who are now in college. My social life is nonexistent and I just can't take it anymore. Mom in law was recently put in the nursing home due to needing some physical thereapy. It was the best 3 months of my my life! However, when the time came to make the decision to leave her there long term or bring her home, my husband refused to let me leave her. Three weeks now into being back home, my body nor my mind feels like I had any break at all. I'm having to sit up with her at night because she gets nauseas and can't get up by herself. I do all her bathing, meals, meds, everything. I am just worn out. So, my answer to this question is no. I would never promise anyone not to put them in a nursing home and my advise is that if you are considering the possiblity, you better think long and hard and cover all your options. It will be a decision that will effect your entire life and those you love.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by wky @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

wky — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:36:45 -0000

Ditty:

I hope you have found an answer to this concern (credit card debts). If not see if your county has a SENIOR SERVICES CENTER. They may be able to help you find an answer. If not, I would not worry about the debt, if she is living with you, and have few if any assets, what are they going to do if they are not paid? Get on the internet and see what your state requires to qaulify for Medicaid. Her credit card debts prior to moving in with you should be the very last hing on your mind at this time.

Good luck.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by wky @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

wky — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:29:20 -0000

What a wonderful response...I am sure that most of us take the "take care of you MOM" as personally doing whatever needs to be done....because that is what Dad asked. You have certainly showed a different viewpoint and I hope it helps all those daughters (and sons) to "really take care of your mom" and ensure the best is done for then - whatever that may be.

CARETAKERS...PRINT SUSIEG'S RESPONSE AND KEEP IT HANDY SO YOU CAN REFER TO IT WHEN TIMES ARE BAD!!

God bless you!!

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by sharon_scott-morris @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

sharon_scott-morris — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 04:47:10 -0000

I definitly thought long and hard but when my dad became confused and disoriented with dementia/alzheimer it wasn't an option it was a nesessity. I hate being in this position. Everyone tells you to put your loved one in a facility but its not easy or anything that anyone ever likes or wants to do. I have cried my eyes out over it. At the same time there is some relief knowing he has people caring for his health safety and hygeine 24/7. It was hard for my family and myself to finally have to do the best thing for him as well as ourselves. I am not physically or mentally equipped to care for someone with alzheimer 24/7. Its VERRY stressful and sad for myself and my family. I have cared for him for 5 years but as soon as he started wandering and really not having any recognition of the present its no longer a choice.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by ditty @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ditty — Tue, 05 May 2009 01:09:03 -0000

Susie G,

Thank you for your response. I never thought of it that way about my Dad asking me to take of my mother. You are right and it makes a lot of sense. I will continue to take care of her as she is a sweet lady and tries to do for herself when she can. I feel BLESSED to have her this long and when and if the time comes for another decision to be made I can look at it differently. Thank you so much for your help. God Bless!

Ditty

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by SusieG @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

SusieG — Mon, 04 May 2009 05:13:48 -0000

I'm guessing that like most of us, you have interpreted your father's request in a very emotional way that is personal to you...and may not be what your father meant for you at all. He asked you to take care of your mom. He didn't ask you to get a medical degree or go to nursing school. He didn't ask you to become a hospice specialist. He didn't ask you to personally perform every function she needs. He asked you to "take care of her". To me (and very possibly him?) that means seeing that your mom is well cared for by skilled people who know how to make her as comfortable as she can be, to be her advocate when she isn't able to speak for herself, and to be there as a loving daughter who is available to listen to her and comfort her when things are scary or frustrating.

Forget about your "guilt and failure" drama, and get on with doing what is best for your mother. By the way...what is best for your mother is not necessarily (or most likely) what she thinks is best if she is comfortable with having you wait on her hand and foot, and like most human beings will tolerate a bad situation if it avoids having to make a change. It's very difficult to make the switch from dutiful daugher blindly doing whatever mommy asks, because she is, after all, the mom--to being the adult decision maker that your dad asked you to be...to make the best decisions for her care.

I've done it all... and my mother and I are both happier now that I figured out how to do what's best for her.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by ditty @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

ditty — Sun, 03 May 2009 17:14:27 -0000

Hi!

I know the deep meaning of guilt. My father held my hand on his death bed and asked mr to take of your mother. I promised him I would and he told me, "I know you will thats why I asked you out of your 3 sisters. I have with me as I had for the past 11-12 yrs. I know the time will come I have to make a decision and this will be very hard for me as I am one to keep my promise especially a last request to my father. I have all the legal documents which my mother and I did when she came to live with me. My sisters tell me is time but mother still knows what is going on. She has good days and bad days. I do not want to do this as yet. When the time comes how do I get over the guilt and failure? I am also concerned as she has credit card debts that she incurred before coming to live me and I help her to keep her credit in good standing paying only minimum payment. I am not on any of her accounts but if she is placed in the nursing home takes her social security check and then what happens? I thought about filing her for bankruptcy but she is not able and that costs $1,500 which she cannot afford and neither can I. I am at wits end worring. Can someone give me some advise, PLEASE. Thank you!

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by wky @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

wky — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:39:40 -0000

Do what you feel you need to do for your Dad....whatever you can live with when this is over. Step mom appears to be in need of a facility herself. Does she have children? If so, communicate with them. My Mom is now in a nursing home, we never had a loving relationship, but i am doing what I can for her ......as much as for myself so to assist her.

Good Luck!

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by dynamite @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

dynamite — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:19:50 -0000

Missy--My name is Amy but that screen name was taken so Dynamite was the nickname my dad gave to me when I was a little girl. I just felt some explanation was in order!

My father has Parkinsons and continues to live at home with my step mom. I never had a close relationship with her until my dad became ill around 5-6 years ago. He continues to live at home and in the past year has been in and out of facilities so that Ann can rest. He can't walk without great assistance, we now feed him due to his tremors, he is incontinent and weak. His mind is OK. Ann has become frail...emotionally and physically and I am very worried about her and have told her so. I live 2 hours away and go up to see them as often as I can but my relationship with Ann is tricky. She is private ....let's just say just stopping by unannounced wouldn't be a good idea. For years she really didn't want to have my sister and me around. The guilt I carry everyday that I am not doing enough and what can I do has me really down...this is my dad. I try to talk to her about getting dad into a LTC facility before someone gets hurt...he falls and she falls with him. I offered to go up and look at facilities and she doesn't want me to. She's not dealing well with the reality and more so the guilt but it is time for her/them/us to make the move. I just feel like my hands are tied with this decision and talk about guilt...it's my dad. I just thought there might be someone out there in a similar situation that might have some advice. I've offered to move them here so that I can help but always told 'no'. My friends and therapist say it isn't my problem but again, it's my dad and I can't just sit down here and worry. Thanks for listening. Amy

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Missy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Missy — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 02:46:31 -0000

Mark M, I didn't pay attention and realize there were two Marks on this thread. You haven't hijacked my topic in the least. I'm so happy you posted. I can definitely understand why you'd be torn by going against your mother's wishes. It's tough.

marknascar, Congrats on Mark Martin's win this weekend! I think I just read he's one of only three other drivers over the age of 50 to win. I was really happy for him! I'm a Tony Stewart fan. And I think I've just gotten so far off topic, but the things we talk about in these groups are sometimes so heavy that it's fun to take a quick breather. :-)

So back to the topic...

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by marknascar @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

marknascar — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:28:37 -0000

hey missy who is your driver?mine is mark martin

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Mark M @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Mark M — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:07:07 -0000

Hi Everyone

My anguish and guilt stems from the emotional side of me. I sat don’t and logically wrote out many reasons why she should be in an assisted living home and now a nursing home. And everyone I talked to agreed that she needed an assisted living home. And the logical part of me realized that was the correct decision. But I’m having a difficult time of getting over the emotional pain of going against the wishes of my mother.

Thank you for all the responses, and Missy I am sorry for hijacking your topic. And sorry again, I’m not a race fan.

Mark M

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by Missy @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

Missy — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 23:26:57 -0000

Mark, I couldn't agree with Susie and Dolphin more. Guilt would be reasonable if you were disregarding your mother's best interest. That absolutely doesn't sound like the case here. Bed sores are terrible. You both need for her to have care provided by professional.

By the way, who's your favorite driver? I'm an auto-racing nut. It's nice to see another fan here!

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by SusieG @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

SusieG — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:19:12 -0000

Mark--- I think you're negligent if you don't have her properly cared for in a nursing facility.

Taking the medical & physical caretaking burden off your shoulders, then frees you up to be there for her as a loving son. To be her advocate and share your final years together in the best possible way.

Believe me, there will still be plenty of needs that you can meet for your mom even after she is getting proper medical/nursing care.

'Promising to keep a parent out of a LTC facility?' posted by DolphinsCry @ {post.created_at.to_s(:post_time)}

DolphinsCry — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 21:47:29 -0000

Mark,

I think it may be in the best interests of both her AND you.

(HUGS)

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