Hello
I made the promise never to put my mother in a nursing home. Actually my mother told me to just take her out and shoot her instead of a nursing home.
It’s been a long road since then. My mother began significant mental problems 15 years ago, then she believed she had bugs inside of her and would scratch herself until she bled. She bug bombed her house several times while she was inside it. She slept in the bathtub. And she washed with kerosene a few times. Her skin is scared on all parts of her body where she could reach. This went on many years.
My oldest sister gave her a cat at one point. My mother was unable to care for it properly and the cat had constant diarrhea. So the chore to clean up after it fell to us. Finally it became too much and I took the cat to the pound.
My mother also developed paranoia, and believed my middle sister was trying to steal her money. It was actually my middle sister who was helping the most around that time.
My mother owns about 2 acres which requires significant time to keep up in the summer.
My mother was also diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 10 years ago.
My mother fell and broke her hip and knee two years ago and her ability to walk was very limited. For most of the last 5 years my sisters and I have been caring for her in her home. We set up a schedule and one of us would be out every day. After she broke her hip and knee, we started going out twice a day to look after her.
A year and a half ago my middle sister took a yearlong assignment to Baghdad, so all the care for my mother fell to my oldest sister and I. I travel for my work and are gone for half the month. And my oldest sister who is retired has told me, “I did not retire to take care of Mom.” To make matters worse, my oldest sister dumped on my wife who was helping and now my wife does not help out. This became too much and we hired home healthcare people to come in a few days a week.
This worked for a while.
My middle sister returned from Baghdad, and my mother continued to deteriorate. She fell again, but did not break anything. We don’t know how long she was on the floor. She can no longer use the phone. She would not know how to use a medical alert device. She was forgetting where her bathroom was and was found several times having urinated or defecated herself. Her vision is very poor; we have been told it is a result of her brain deteriorating, so glasses do not help.
So last December, my middle sister felt she would be better off in an assisted living facility. My oldest sister felt Mom should stay at home since that what she wanted and money also was involved ( my oldest sister does not want to spend any of my mother’s money ). So I was in the middle, the deciding vote.
To make matters worse, my oldest sister quit talking to my middle sister and myself, nothing like family discord during difficult times.
I sat down and made lists of reasons to put my mother in assisted living, and reasons to keep her home. I came up with two pages of reason to put her in assisted living and one reason to keep her home, she wanted it.
So with horrible guilt I admitted her to an assisted living home, that specializes in dementia care on February 16. I felt awful, one of the worst days of my life.
I did not see her for another 10 days, the owners of the home said it would be better not to come over too soon so she could adjust. After 10 days I visited her. She cried on my shoulder, like a lost child who’s finally found by their parent. She asked to go home, and I lied to her and told her house needed repaired. I was another horrible day.
Three days later I visited again and the scene was repeated.
After a month she seemed to be adjusting, and my overwhelming guilt began to slightly diminish. She even had a boyfriend.
At the six week point, I was feeling Ok about the decision, and I went to visit and she was not there. The staff told me she had been taken to the doctor.
My mother was now in horrible pain and was hospitalized 2 days later. She has been in the hospital since. We have been through multiple diagnoses; the latest is she has a compression fracture in her spine. She is still hospitalized now four weeks later.
She has rapidly deteriorated further, both physically and mentally. She is now completely incontinent. She cannot walk or get out of bed independently. She is hallucinating and cannot feed herself.
She will certainly need a nursing facility assuming she makes it out of the hospital.
And I feel guilty, depressed, and like I have done my mother in by ignoring her wishes.
My point to all this, I don’t know. I guess I needed somewhere to tell my story.
Thanks for letting me share this.
Mark M
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(My question mark key is broken) Even if she does recall saying that (& does she...q.m.)....the fact is that now she needs it! No matter how sad it is (and it is VERY sad).....you need to do the right thing for her care & your mental health. Of course, putting her in a facility opens a whole new GIANT can of worms......it's still what you need to do. Do not feel guilty!!!!!! We are all doing the best we can in a sad, hard situation. Hope this helps!
