Parent insists on privacy with her doc

Yowsers.  Its so difficult to deal with irrationality.  Its one thing if a person has cognitive abilities to be responsible for their own life, but when that's gone, to me that's a signal that the rules change.

If it were me, I'd call her doctor and speak to the doc directly about  all the concerns with her mother.  I'd enlist the doctor to help and to support me.

With my Dad, at this time in his life I have to let him live his choice as much as it pains me.  If it starts looking like he can't manage, then,  I think it will have to be something I can live with too.

Don't know if that helps or not.....

I'm wondering about the patient privacy rules.  If someone has dementia does that change anything?   Or do you have to get a power of attorney or something to be able to talk to the doctor?

On the other hand, I was just reading on this site about 'reflective conversations'  and the idea of drawing out your mother to talk about what she is feeling and how she is doing in a non-judgemental way. 

Yes Bodhi, you need to get guardianship or power of attorney to attend someone else's medical appointments (without their explicit permission) and to have access to their medical information. I'm not a lawyer, but I understand this can be a simple or complicated process, depending on the family dynamics, condition of the patient, personalities of the lawyers, etc. If a life-threatening procedure is required and the patient has dementia, medical guardianship can be acquired pretty quickly. But for routine care, it can be a long process.  "Reflective conversations" seems an intriguing way to go.

When my mom reached the point that she needed more help, It was when she got pnemonia, she was hospitalized for 19 days. I got a medical power of attorney. I did this when the hospital social worker came in and tried to get my mom to sign a do not resusitate order (DNR). ( The dr. didn't think she would make it.) With that one little order I now have the right to know exactly what is going on at all times with my mom. At the time my mom could not think clearly or make decisions for herself. Had I not step in when I did no telling what might have happened. I thank God for answering my prayers and guiding me in the right direction. Momma doesn't fuss anymore when I want to check with her doctors.

In NY state, you can get a release form from the doctor. On this form you can state who can have access to the patient's records. Always put at least two names (you never know if you may become unavailable).The only catch is that the patient must sign it.Maybe the doctor can explain to her the importance of it. Disguise the form and tell her " it's just more paperwork that the doctor needs".I do not know of the legal ramifications of doing that. Even if the other person named on the form is out of town,that's ok. My sister called the doctor from out of town and it was so helpful to have her point of view. In fact I've been saying " I never thought of that" quite a bit. You must know what is going on. Maybe you can tell the doctor of this problem and he can call you later .

I love the reflective listening idea.  I know for me sometimes I feel so urgent about wanting to help that I forget to slow down and listen to what matters to my father.

I wonder if the doctor can tell your friend's mother he wants your friend to attend an appointment to discuss family medical history issues or inherited problems?

Also, maybe your friend can find out if your mother has an advanced health care directive already completed.  If she does, and it names a health care agent, your friend can talk to the doctor about whether the doctor thinks it is time for the health care agent to get involved or if he thinks your friend's mom is still competent to handle medical decisions completely on her own.  Even if the doctor thinks the mom is still competent, that would at least be reassuring and the doctor would know that your friend is available to get involved when needed.

My Mom has been a resident of a nursing home for over 3 yrs. Her husband (not my father) has died. He refused to tell us kids any of Mom's financial matters, other than he was her power of attorney and she was medicaid aproved for the nursing home. He stated that the finances were his business not hers (she has advanced dementia). We know that he took Mom's name off of 2 properties and then gave them to his daughter (only child). My sister is trying to get legal guardianship of Mom with everyone's approval. We hired an attorney in May of 2008, went to a hearing in Nov of 2008 and the judge stated that she would appoint my sister. However, she wanted one more report from the bank on Mom's assets, then she would sign the papers. Our attorney gave her that report 2 wks after the hearing and to this date 1/5/09 we still do not have legal guardianship. This has cost us over $10,000 (not a typo), Our attorney charges $90 just to send a 6 line email. This case has not been contested by anyone. After her husband died this past Aug. his daughter moved 95% of the furnishings, even the refrigerator, out of their condo then mailed the condo keys to us. This is taking so long, we are beginning to think it is not worth it to get this guardianship. It has certainly made us believe that the court system is an expensive joke!! To top it all, Mom and her husband do not have any money to fight over, so it is not that.  HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO WAIT!!!???

As you have already spent the money and gone almost all the way through the process of a guardianship, it only makes sense to see it through.  Add to that that you have no way to act on your mother's behalf, nor to protect her interests without a guardianship.  Yes, it's expensive, but it has to be done.  I would do the following:

1.  Contact your attorney, in writing, and ask politely and firmly for an update on the case. Ask if the court needs anything else, and if the attorney would please ask the court to get the Order appointing your sister as guardian signed.  It may take getting pushy.  That's what lawyers are supposed to be able to do.

2.  If the attorney does not respond within one week, follow up with a phone call or two.  If no response, fire the attorney you have and get another attorney to finish the job.  Check the credentials carefully.  (See How to Choose A Good Lawyer for Mom or Dad, available at AgingParents.com)

3.  Once you have guardianship, your sister will have the legal authority to investigate your mother's rights to property and other assets she co-owned with her husband during their marriage.  She will be able to demand an accounting of how the assets were distributed after your father's death.  She may require legal advice or representation.

The courts can be very frustrating, as I well know firsthand, after 30 years of practicing law.  However, persistence pays, and the guardianship will get done eventually, if the court has everything it needs.  Your job is to find out what's holding things up and to stay on your lawyer to get the matter completed.

Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., Attorney