Hello!

Have you considered contacting a geriatric care manager in your mom's area?  They may be able to do an assessment for you.  Do you have a relationship with your mom's doctor?  Can you express your concerns to him/her?  You may also want to consider calling the local Area Agency on Aging in your mom's area for advice. 

Check out Caring's local section where you can plug in her zip code and get a list of aging resources in that area. 

Hope that helps!

Good Day!

Right now I moved my mother into my apartment building on the same floor just a few doors down from me. I am 54 going on 55 and am the only child living out of four. It is hard to lose my siblings and now my mother has severe dementia as well. I have applied to Social Services for a Personal Care Provider to come in 4 times a week to help me help my mom. This was the only solution I could think of as I have Keinbochs Disease and can't use my wrists or hands very much at all.

This is just another option for all who are taking responsibility for their parent(s). I hope this helps somebody, somewhere.

Hi, I have dealt with the same situation for the last 2 years. Eventually, I had to take charge because of my mom's decline. I have Power of Attorney and because of my parents lack of funds they could not afford private pay for in-home care or assisted living so I called the local Area On Aging and Department of Human Services. With their help my mom qualified for state funds and was able to receive in-home care 5 days a week, 4 hours a day. That made a big difference until that was not enough. It was unfortunate, but later, along with her doctor, I had to declare her incompetent. She is now in a nursery home and getting great care. It still takes consumes my life, but at least I know she is well-cared-for at the facility. I see her as often as I can.... now I am dealing with my father's dementia. All I can say from experience is make sure you take care of yourself and try to keep a normal life as possible. You will not be able to make the best decisions or do the right thing without caring for yourself.

Listen and take to heart all of the great responses that have been given here. You are the decision maker! She is no longer capable. Become a strong advocate and follow through on all of these suggestions. It is absoloutely necessary.

Joy is right, she is no longer fully capable of making crucial decisions. Get DPOA for financial and health. Having the one for health gives her wishes in writing so no one has to guess about what she wants. Let your Mom know the necessary changes that need to be made for you to properly care for her. My Mother lived in Missouri & I lived in Texas so I know the worry when they are far away. You really need a 'team' involved in this-an elder-law attorney, Dr, local Area on Aging Agency person, etc. You may find out that with the right help she may be able to stay where she is with minimal worry on your part. If she can't stay where she is then she can't and you will help her mourn the loss of the familiar and adjust to the unfamiliar. I told my Mom this story: I grew up with my younger sister & I sharing a room. My first experience with having a room to myself was when I went away to college. I wasn't sleeping well so Mom let my sister come stay the weekend with me & that did the trick :-). When Mom went into assisted living I went & stayed with her a few nights to get her over the hump & was able to repay her kindness to me.

My sister & I faced a similar situation with our Grandmother. Both of her children (Our Mom & Uncle) passed away before she did and we were the only relatives she had. We lived over 100 miles away. She began to have dementia type issues, and we were very worried for her safety...She lost her driver's license, due to Macular degeneration in her eyes, but continued to drive! She burned up a stove because she forgot that she was cooking. We finally disabled the car and the stove so she could not use them. She was very angry with us because we wouldn't help her "fix" the stove!! My sister & I both had full time jobs, spouses, and children, so we could only go over on the weekends. We had discussions with her Dr. but that didn't help much. We were able to get her signed up for COPES (A chore service for Seniors) through the Dept of Social & Health Services, and they sent people to help her during the day. Nights continued to be problematic, she would have panic attacks and continually called the police to help her. This was in a small town where there was probably only 1 officer available at night. The Chief of Police talked with us and said we should move her to our town. She refused to do that over & over.
Thank God for her neighbors, and one great friend who looked in on her, made sure she was ok, helped her with Dr. appts & things. We eventually had to move her to a Nursing home & she was only there for 2 months when she passed away. I really feel for anyone who is going through this!! It just seems like there is very little help for these situations.

Thank you for making all of those very difficult decisions. You were a strong advocate which is what real love is about, making a plan and keeping her safe.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Right now I am at a standstill. Have spoken to elder care both here and in her location. My counselor here was great and I've talked to several people there but the problem is that when anyone tries to contact her she presents as totally capable to care for herself. Have been in touch with her doctor who has also tried to get elder services in but she refuses to allow them in to assess her as she feels she is perfectly fine. The past few times I have spoken to her she does seem better than in the past so she is either putting up a great "front" or perhaps the meds she has been prescribed may actually be helping. Am currently trying to get her into a senior housing development here in Massachusetts but this involves a year wait and countless forms which need to be filled out and I feel that when it comes for her doctor to ok this, he won't. I'm taking one day at a time! Thanks for all your help.

I empathize completely. I felt like just because my mom acted like a child sometimes, I didn't want to treat her like one. When I was working on my mom to get her to move, a friend told me "she won't let go of what she has until she has something else to hold on to." That proved to be the key to leading her to accept the move. I worked on her for weeks, maybe months. I kept saying things like "if you lived near me, I could have dinner with you every week." "If you lived near me, you wouldn't be so lonely." "If you moved here, there would be someone there at night in case you get sick." "If you lived here, you would make new friends your age." Finally, one day she said out of the blue, "Well, if I moved what would it be like? Do you think I'd like it?" I was able to answer honestly and she said she was ready. My backup plan was to wait for a crisis and insist that she move. Luckily, I didn't have to insist. I hope this works out for you. Your urge to protect her is right and so is your urge to treat her with dignity.

Thanks so much kath. This sounds exactly what I'm doing. I do keep saying how nice it would be to be able to spend holidays together again, see each other more than once or twice a year etc. etc. but she is adamant that she is staying where she is! I'll keep trying however and hope that the "crisis" doesn't occur.

Hi Cape Cod

I tried the "long-distance caregiver" path for 2 years, with increasing number of visits, of increasing duration, with local home helper services, county MSW and private geriatric care manager without success. In retrospect, the "failures" were because my mother had already lost most of her short term memory capacity, though she still sounded as if she had insight and reasoning abilities regarding her needs and conditions. She did not remember her "contracts" and "agreements" regarding "aging in place" (her preference, and mine initially), did not recognize the individuals nor remember the reasons why they came to her house, became increasingly paranoid and resistant to "help".

Also in retrospect, I can see that I was applying "band-aids" to a problem that required "sutures", thinking along the way that "if only we could solve problem X, Y or Z", the situation would be manageable. That approach didn't work, in part because I didn't see the forest through the trees and also because my mother's greatest adaptive mechanism, denial, just got stronger as her faculties declined.

If there are any bits of advice that I would offer, they are: 1. assess your needs as a person, for today, tomorrow and next year (vis a vis the responsibility/time/money required to care for your mother), 2. look at the big picture - e.g. are your mother's dementia/personality/emotional issues receptive to assistance in any form - in home, in a facility, near you? and 3. engage anyone and everyone in her current living situation (house, street, town, county) to document her ability/inability to care for herself and 4. prepare yourself for the possibility that you may need to make a decision without her consent e.g. to have her declared "incompetent" so that you can take over her care.

Meanwhile if she is willing and able, see an attorney with your mother(preferably elder-care specialist) to make sure that var. documents are in order for you to be able to make and execute decisions of her behalf.

Please feel free to contact me to discuss further pbeere2002@yahoo.com

pbeere2002 - you are right on!!!!! We keep thinking that our loved one is capable of making decisions and they are not. It is denial on our part. It is time to step up to the plate and start taking action. Make the decisions that you know in your heart are the best for everyone involved.

My 86 yo father is showing significant signs of dementia and we have finally gotten him to a geriatric memory specialist. My 85 yo mother is in denial about it. I live 2000 miles away. For six months he was sexually attacking her and she was not telling me. The medication they have given him has stopped that, but he is still verbally abusive. This is not new behavior but it is more severe since the dementia and paranoia. Mom's memory is not good. I am at a loss on how to be supportive from such a distance. I have been home three times between July and mid-October. I will return in Dec. But even with these frequent visits I can see both parents are declining. My biggest concern is that my mother is failing almost faster than my dad from the abuse she is enduring.

Thanks so much for all the replies! Here is the current situation. Things, indeed did come to a crash....Mom started wandering and took her suitcases and supposedly was coming to visit me from Pennsylvania to Cape Cod.... This was without anyone's knowledge. She wound up wrecking her car in New York State and I got a call from the Holiday Inn Express tellng me where she was. All the employees there were fantastic and took excellent care of her until I could get there the next day. Brought her home with me and have now put her in the hospital in the Geriatric Behavior Unit where she is undergoing all kinds of tests, evaluations, etc. It's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do but at least we are taking action and I know she is safe for the time being. I am exhausted already and it's only been 4 days but try to tell myself to take one day at a time.