Hi ckh,

I'm so sorry your husband's health is so bad.    Eight years is a long time. 

Something interesting I've found is that setting a tone with healthcare professionals with regard to my loved one's care has really made a difference.  Several years ago my dad was put in a rehab facility after having severe complications related to the removal of a brain tumor.  And when I say "rehab facility" mean, with no uncertain terms, nursing home.  I saw exactly what you described - end of life care.  And that was exactly what my dad did NOT need!  He was there to get on the road to recovery and ultimately come home to us!

Just after arriving at the center, we requested a meeting with those who would be responsible for his care.  Prior to that meeting, we had a family meeting where we developed a strategy.  We were going to make sure everyone knew we were relying on their support to get dad out of there.

At the meeting, we talked a lot about how we would be there to help them achieve goals set out for Dad by the physical therapists.  We set up a second meeting with his caregivers to track his progress. 

I wonder if doing something similar in your husband's situation would work.  I realize he's not going into care for rehab purposes, but entering a care facility doesn't mean there's a timeline on life.  Make sure everyone there knows he's there to be cared because his care has exceeded your ability to give it at home.  Make sure HE lets them know his mind is just fine.  I'm really hopeful the two of you can shape the experience you have.

Best of luck and please keep us updated!

Is it possible for you to get some help from a home care agency.  This can be a positive alternative to a long term care facility.  Nurses could come and set up his medications aides could bath him.  You could also get some respite care so that you could do some things for yourself.  You have done a wonderful job of caring for him 8 years.  I would encourage you to find a good home care agency to help you.  take care and God Bless.

I second what Jaye has to say. If your finances are not exhausted, they will go a lot longer by paying a live-in home care aide (or a 12-hour shift aide), which will give you the freedom to get out for breaks. And if your finances are exhausted, In most states Medicaid will pay something towards the cost of having an in-home aide.

And don't forget about emotional support for you. The Well Spouse Association (http://wellspouse.org [wellspouse.org]) can help there.

I came to a crossroads over the weekend and, as I thought and prayed about our situation, I found myself thinking "take the advice you've so often given others," and reach out for help. I don't know how much longer I can take care of my husband at home while still working full time. First thing Monday morning I called the nursing home where my mother-in-law spent the last 5 years of her life. The same administrator is still there and she was very helpful. She told me to call the Dept. of Social Services (I'm in VA) and they will send a nurse to the house to do an assessment. Then, I will know what level of care to seek.

Good luck, redhat pr. Not sure where you are in VA, but I am in NOVA, and am in a support group for the Well Spouse Association, http://wellspouse.org . Members in the area may be able to help if you have questions.

Wellspouse, thank you. I'm in SWVA. Spoke with Social Services this morning and we are going to start with an evaluation by the Health Dept. to see if he can stay in the home with community based assistance. If approved, it can be for up to 40 hours a week. We'll see how it goes. This is so hard to do but I feel I have no choice.