My dad shouldn't be driving yet is out and about!

Quick update - My dad never left the house today.  That's good and bad news because I'm always worried about him being too sedentary, but good news in that he didn't drive.  Man, I'm a picky daughter, aren't I?  LOL

Oh, Missy, I'd be scared to death! I wonder if his doctor should tell him that he should be going to the DMV and having them verify he's still ok to drive according to their vision standards or something. I think I heard rumblings here in Oregon in requiring folks over a certain age to have to retest for driving every two years or something to make sure everyone was safe.

You are not picky. You are CARING!

Thanks so much for the response and support, Laura.    That's a great idea about checking with the DMV about how often he should be retested.  I never thought of that!

I had to face the driving issue with a relative who was an alcoholic. She lost her license for several years after a DUI, then said she was going to reapply. She said she was going to show the DMV her certificate from a rehab program, but I knew she'd relapsed and was actively drinking. I finally called the DMV and asked them what one should do in this situation. They said you could write a letter, which would go in the preson's file when they tried to reapply. I told my alcoholic relative quite frankly that I planned to do this if she reapplied for a license.

I told her I couldn't have it on my conscience that she might kill herself or another person driving drunk and I'd do whatever I could to prevent that. It was really hard to be so hard-line, and she was really angry. But I think in her heart of hearts she knew she wasn't safe to drive, and she never reapplied. Meanwhile, though, I know other people who know their parents or relatives are driving drunk and don't know what to do, because they've never lost their licenses. This is a really tough one! Anyone have suggestions?

Hello!  Thanks for your reply.  I'm sorry that you're faced with this driving issue. 

I really think you did the right thing.  Driving while under the influence is really dangerous and illegal.  The scary part, beyond the obvious risk of harm, is that if you know she's doing it, there may be some liability issues for you.  It's almost like you're forced to take action.

Good luck to you.  I'll be anxious to hear if your relative reapplies.

This morning I was walking to my car in a parking garage.  I'm watching this big white SUV, backing up, and its making me nervous, then all of a sudden he bangs into the bumper of a parked car while he is trying to turn around.  THen he pulls forward and around another corner, then tries to turn around again, and then snags another bumper of another car.  I get a good look at the elderly guy driving the car, he has these really think glasses on, complete with handicap sticker, oh and  get his license plate number. 

So, when I leave the lot I give the plate number to the guards and say that guy shouldn't be driving - having explained about the cracked bumpers.

So the question is, should I do more and if so what?  What would you do?

Yikes Rebecca!  Part of me feels like you need to call the police with the information because that's a hit and run and highly illegal.  Is this a place where you park often?  Can you ask the guards if they contacted the police? 

It's a bummer because who knows what this guy's situation is.  Sure he appeared elderly with thick glasses, but perhaps he was driving a car he was unfamiliar with. 

Update us when you decide what to do!

My spouse and I dealt with the problem of “driving while incompetent” with only one of our four parents. After my father-in-law was in his upper 80s his short-term memory, problem-solving ability, and vision all deteriorated significantly. His car acquired scrapes and paint of unknown origin on its four corners. We initially used logical arguments to encourage my father-in-law to stop driving. Of course the man agreed with everything we said, then did whatever he wanted to do. Then he would occasionally disappear with his car for hours, but when asked where he had been he’d reply “I’d tell you if I knew.” We contacted the DMV, which issued him a restricted license that allowed him to drive only between his house and the local restaurant / bar in our active-adult community. Well, do you think the license restriction changed his driving habits? Of course not! Eventually (after doctors diagnosed my father-in-law’s dementia) the DMV acknowledged that my father-in-law’s driving skills were questionable and invited him for testing, which he failed. The DMV revoked his license. Do you think that had any impact on his behavior? Of course not! The local police phoned us one night when they found him driving very slowly after dark while he was trying to read street signs. Did that have any effect on his driving habits? Did the police even check whether he had a valid license? Of course not! Then, some of our friends alerted us that my father-in-law was driving erratically through the neighborhood. Finally, we realized that we were the only ones who could force him to stop driving. Nobody else was going to do it for us.

So, although long reluctant to take this step, we disabled my father-in-law’s car to prevent him from driving again. We could, of course, appreciate his perspective. As one ages, a person’s world shrinks ever smaller. Health deteriorates, friends and relatives become house-bound or die, disposable income shrinks, apparent distances to destinations become greater, technology outpaces comprehension, and (in the USA) alternative methods of transportation for the elderly never materialize. Elders gradually lose control of everything that seems to matter, and depression often follows.

We promised to provide transportation whenever he needed it but, as we feared, my father-in-law was extremely angry and bitter. I’m afraid he never forgave us. He was an “independent” man who seemed to carry grudges “forever.” Eventually my father-in-law reluctantly gave his car to his son. Our solution to the “driving while incompetent” problem became unavoidable but it proved not to be a good one in terms of our relationship with my father-in-law. But, the good thing is that he never injured himself or another person with his car.

You should check with the DMV in your state.  In the state of Missouri you can report them anymously and the state will bring them in for testing.  I've looked into already because I take care of mother with Alheimer's.  She has never been a good driver and I know the day is going to come soon when I have to tell her.  Backup plan being that I may have to turn her in to get her driver's license revoked. 

You can also look into it they have the OATS bus system where you are at.  They will come pick up the elderly and take them anywhere they need to go, doctor's appointments, the store, etc and then take them back home.  If I remember correctly it is free. 

You just have to call the day before and schedule the pickup.  With my mom I'm also getting her a cell phone with GPS so I can track her where abouts.   It's not unsual for them to get lost and just keep driving.  Even stopping for gas and not asking for directions and then they end up 2 states over.

Good Luck I know it's stressful and hard.  Just try to find some humor in some of things they do.  Like my friend's grandma who was smoking and leaned over to brush the back of her hair and caught her hair on fire.  Which you can laugh at cause she wasn't hurt .  And it was just a big patch of hair and not the house.

I recently just helped my dad move into my town.  The problem is he is still driving over 50 miles away to go to his favorite bar and driving while intoxicated.  The bartender has driven him home many times in the past, but now he lives too far away.  He has health issues too, he had a stroke a few years ago that impacted his response time, judgement, and left-side awareness.  I have no idea how he got his license back, because he's pretty scary behind the wheel.  Now that he lives closer and I can help him get around more, I'm considering alerting the police to his driving and starting the process of getting his license revoked.  But having guilt and I'm not sure what I'm getting myself (or my family) into.  I have no idea how he hasn't racked up DWI's--he's been very lucky.  Am I being too drastic?

Driving with my dad in recent years has become a terrifying experience.  He's in his mid 60's with a considerable amount of health problems.  He's practically blind when driving at night as well, and since he retired he tends to make quite a few night time arrangements with friends and family.  Let's just say that being in the car with him while he drives, day or not, is a horror regardless.  Just the other day he was taking my wife and I out for my birthday, and in the middle of an extremely busy highway, he starts coming to a stop.  I asked him what he's doing, and he said "stopping at the light".  I replied immediately "Dad, the light is green."  He insisted it was red.  Cars around us swerved fiercely to get around almost running each other off the road, to the point where we were all frantically yelling at him that the light was green.  Later when coming home, he stopped to get gas.  After he was finished and he pulled up to the exit, he waited until a speeding car was, literally, maybe 40 feet away, and peeled out right in front.  I looked back to see the other car spinout into a 180 to try to avoid us. 

This is definitely not the first time my Dad has put us in deadly situations.  Driving down the wrong way on a one way street is a common occurrence with him, not to mention casually driving through red lights (so yes, he stops at green and goes on red).  How my wife and I have not yet been killed while in the car with him is nothing short of a miracle.

If I approach him and offer to drive he usually gets furious...I'm guessing he feels his manhood is being called into question.  I don't quite know what to do about it because I don't think he should ever be behind the wheel of a car again.

OMG Mike, that sounds terrifying!  He has got to get off the road!   And Anonymous, I agree with you - not too drastic...

It may be a multi step process to get him off the road. 

First, I think I would approach your dad more directly -  'I don't feel safe in the car with you driving.  I will not ride in the car with you.  I'm not sure how aware you are of the situation, the car spinning out behind you, but I can't risk my life.'  (And don't go in the car.)  Make it about you and other people, not about guilting him.   My dad's partner just refused to get in the car with him anymore,  - she blamed in on the condition of the car, which does make it a bit easier - less personal -  but the result was the same.  He just quit 2 weeks ago.

I like the point that someone made earlier, that people don't want to harm others.  Is there a way to show how this is a likely outcome if driving continues?  Its hard! 

Oh, gosh, it's scary! I'm hopeful that both of you are able to convince your parents. Perhaps their doctors will tell them, it's absolutely unsafe for you to be driving, you must stop NOW?  I know that some people respond better when people other than their family tell them these sorts of things. Best of luck to you both, and let us know how things are going.

Mike,

I really want to encourage you to do what others have mentioned - file a report with the state Department of Motor Vehicles.  You have at least three specific incidents that you can describe in detail and that will get their attention and initiate a re-examination.  You should also express your concerns to his doctor.  And I echo Rebecca's idea - do not ride with him as a driver again.  Please don't wait until anything worse happens.    You may never be able to convince your dad you are right, but like Quent said it's more important that nobody gets hurt.

Definitely check with your states DMV/Secretary of State.

Document what you saw, license plate #, description of driver.

In many cases - they will then require the drivers license to be temporarily suspended; ask for a medical evaluation to reinstate it; and a written exam and road test. 

As for those living with the elderly who drive yet shouldn't be, no matter how much you talk to them.....instead of worrying about them being on the road while you take the steps to get them off it.....may I recommend letting the air out of a tire or two? Or doing something to drain the battery? A little sneaky, but keeps them off the roads. Or ask a car-savvy person how else to disable the vehicle more long term.....yeah, it's mean, but if it means someone doesn't get killed, it's worth it.

This is amoung the many strugles I am experiencing with my 86 year father who is exhibiting signs of dementia. My sister and I took him to the doctor this past Monday because of his refusal to stop driving among other things. The doctor gave us the name and number of a neurologist to take him to although I haven't yet how to get him to agree to go. The primary care physician said the neurologist has to declare he has dementia or "demented" and notify DMV in order to revoke his license. I don't know how it works in your area but we are in Northern California.

http://www.dmv.ca.gov/about/senior/driverlicense/reexam.htm

Check out the website for California. It states that you can write to the DMV and they can then reexamine his driving skills.