My dad is 72 yrs. old, young by comparison. It's been hard watching the "gradual death" of a strong willed and very stubborn man. He is a good man who has been a good friend to alot of people, but he wasn't always such a good father. My dad is an alchoholic and that has caused alot of heartache from time to time. He has never admitted the problem, but believe me, it has been a problem for as long as I can remember. He worked hard all his life, retired from the railroad and that is where he contracted mesothelioma from the asbestos used for so long without anyone knowing what the end result would be. My dad and I were not close until after I was married for alot of reasons. He turned to me one time, when it was just he and I in the room, and said "I'm sorry." He will never know how much those two simple words will mean to me for the rest of my life. Luckily, I took the opportunity to tell him so. He has taken the time to plan everything down to the last detail of his funeral and has had most all of his belongings auctioned off with the proceeds going to my brothers and me at the appropriate time along with acreage in beautiful Montana where he lives and where I was born. That has been one of the challenges, I live in Washinton state, and he, in Montana. The distance has made dealing with his disease even harder. My brother and I just returned from an emergency trip back there after learning he was in ICU, again. When we reached the hospital and I bent over to give him a kiss, I could smell the smell that tells me it would not be long before my father would no longer be on this earth. You see, I've worked in healthcare in one form or another, directly with patients and/or residents, most of my life. I've been present at many a passing of someone I cared very much about, but this is different. How do you prepare yourself to say goodbye to your own dad? While there, we did get him back home to my wonderful stepmom who cares for him without question, she is truly an angel on earth. I have my youngest brother and his family that, thankfully, live in the same town. I was able to get Hospice started, we got him a scooter, and got a ramp up and into the house,a hospital bed came into his living room where he could look out toward the Bear Paw mountains . All that, with help, in a weeks time. During the time I was there, we each had a chance to have "one on one" time with him. To hear my dad tell me how proud he was of me and that he thought I had turned out to be a wonderful person, was the biggest gift I could have recieved from him. My dad was never one to express his feelings at all. I told him right then that I was walking away with a huge gift from him and that is how I will always feel. What I needed to hear most of all, all my life, I had finally heard. I told him it would be hard not to have him around and he told me I would be OK. My brothers and I have decided that at his funeral, which he has so carefully planned, horse drawn carriage included, that we will ride horseback, along with an empty horse carrying his boots, hat, and brush popper coat across the saddle, behind him to his resting spot. It's made it easier knowing that he is prepared in his heart, and every other way. He's actually gotten a kick out of planning his own funeral. It's been harder watching him suffer than it will be to grieve his passing.
Hi Carla,
Welcome to Caring's groups. I'm really glad you found us and posted.
To answer your question about preparing to lose your father, I'm not sure it's possible. My FIL had terminal lung cancer and we knew for months his time was limited. As the disease progressed and his cognitive abilities began to match his physical ones, we grieved losing the man we knew and loved. It felt like his body was just a shell. We would cling to those rare moments of lucidity. So when he did pass, we all thought we had dealt with the grief since we knew it was coming. Instead, a whole new can of proverbial worms opened.
My advice to you, and is sounds like you're taking it already, is to just enjoy the time you have left. While the past will always be part of you, it won't change anything while your dad is still with you. It's amazing that you and he have had the opportunity to really connect and make amends. I'm really thankful for you to have that closure, so to speak.
I know it probably seems inappropriate, but I smiled at the notion of him getting a kick out of planning his funeral. I sat here and thought about that for a second and you know...it really is kind of cool. It's the last big celebration of our life. Think about all the time we put into planning our weddings. If given the opportunity, why wouldn't we put some time into our funeral? Your dad is so wonderful for his attitude about it. And I got choked up reading about the horse carrying his boots, etc. That's beautiful.
I'll be thinking about you and your family. Please keep us updated, Carla. *hugs*
To Missy: Thank you for your response. It is nice to have somewhere to talk about things like this. I think it's a really healthy way to deal with it all. I don't know what made me look for a place to do so, but I'm glad I did and I feel like I was just supposed to. My heart goes out to you also, and your family. I'm glad you were touched by what I said and what our plans are and it is so true what you said about how much we put into our weddings, why not our funerals? And yes, it has been interesting seeing him smile about plannin everything. He said there are going to be alot of surprises. I'm sure there will be. I will be posting as much as I need to here now that I have found a good place to do so. Thank you again for your support, it means alot. Carla
My pleasure! I'm so happy you found us. 
Hi Carla, Thanks so much for sharing what's going on with your dad. It reminds me of stuff yet to be completely worked out with mine and that I ought to be about it! And also, how my mom wrote her obituary a few months before she passed away last year and gave us lots of specifics for her funeral too. Knowing there was a plan in place was so helpful after getting over the idea that it meant she was really leaving. And like Missy, I thought I had dealt with a lot of the grief, there keeps being this waves that pass over, more gentle over time. I agree that its so healthy to be able to talk about whats really going on. Thanks!
To Rebecca, Thank you for the response. It really is helping to be a part of the process. I didn't like it at first, but I am adjusting. I talked to my brother last night and dad is planning on having an open casket. I'm very upset by that. We were going to place his cowboy hat on the empty horse but he wants to have it the casket with him to cover his hands which look bad due to all the prednisone. (his skin) That says open casket to me. I remember when I was young and my grandfather died and they had an open casket, I went into shock and they had to carry me out of the church!! But this funeral is completely his planning and I will go with whatever his wishes are for him. The hard part is watching him suffer in the meantime. That's been really hard!! Anyway, it really has been nice finding this site to air my sadness while the dying process is happening. It truly does help to talk about everything. Thank you all.
we know it but we miss out. a sense of guilt overcame me. and for my 3 siblings. we have completely missed out on caring for our parents. the article about the dying father with mesothelimia made me look at my own father who is 85. your article will find me a different son. so i won't miss out on my father or mother. and i will turn my sibling around so they will enjoy caring for our old parents. thanks.
Hey Mr. Anonymous, I really hope you check back.
This is just my really humble opinion, but I feel like guilt is a wasted emotion. It'll wear you out but isn't productive. Instead, focus your energy on making the changes you want. Even the smallest thing will make you feel better and make a difference to you parents!
Good luck!
Just wanted to let you know that my dad died May 4th,2008. The funeral that he so carefully planned was an incredible thing and he would have been so proud. We did ride horses behind him and lead the empty horse in his honor. It was so hard but I still can't believe how amazing it was. Half the town turned out and it ended up he was entitled to full military honors as well. And I was able to get up in front of everybody and speak which I wasn't sure I would be able to do. The thing that I am most grateful for was the week I, and my brothers, had with him two weeks previous. It will be a process definately, to get through this, but I will just take it day by day. I would like to stress that spending time with those we love is so important, even if we live far away. Find a way to show you care even if there are struggles. It is important to have peace of mind and peace in your heart, for their sake and yours.
Oh wow Carla. Big hugs to you! thats so good you could do the funeral like that.... was it okay with the casket? i know that for me its a bit surreal.
My brothers and our spouses had to go and pick out the casket and at that time Marvin offered to let us view my dad so we went and had coffee and went back to do so . We figured if we had that time, just us, that day, we could help our children to cope at the funeral. It was very hard but he looked like he had before he got sick some years before. It was still very difficult but I was glad we were able to do that, just us. We all cried, but were able to say our private goodbyes. And it was helpful to be able to ease our children into it the next day at their own pace before the funeral. That was very important. After the initial shock of it all, they were able to see how good he did look and to realize that he was now at peace and not struggling anymore. After that day, they were more concerned about how we were all doing as his children and supporting us through the grief.They are all amazing. I still wish for my brothers to have their time to grieve, as they are men, and they don't express their emotion like women. But I know they will do so in there own time and in their own way. I do want to say thank you for all the support I have felt here, it has meant alot! Everyday is a struggle right now, finding a way to cope. Mornings seem to be the toughest, and today has been the first day by myself. The kids went back to school today and my husband went back to work. It's a day to day thing that is for sure.
Children are so amazing. Intuitive and understanding so often more then we know. Yes its interesting about brothers. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and it's almost impossible for me to know what's going on for them. One is more expressive then the others, and I get a sense from him sometimes. It was just the first anniversary of my mom's passing, and he called to talk - we're spread across the country. For a long time, I didn't quite know what to do with myself. My life had been so focused on someone else's care, and now I didn't have to worry, just 'feel'. Your welcome for the support. We're here! Thanks for connecting.
Oh Carla! *hugs* I'm sorry for your loss, but I thank you so much for coming back, updating us and sharing your experience. I think you said it best when you said coping with death is a process. It truly is, for everyone...including men. When my father-in-law passed I was really concerned about my husband, who was mournful, just without tears. I'm hopeful for your brothers that they are grieving in their own way and end up in a good place about everything.
I'm wishing you have a peaceful day, today, tomorrow, etc. I'll be thinking about you and your family.
Oh, Carla. I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard for us to lose our daddies, I know, and I'm thinking of you and what a wonderful funeral you gave him. Blessings to you and yours.
~Laura
I am SO sorry to hear of the loss of your father!! :( The funeral that he planned and you carried out for him sounds just amazing. Thanks for coming back and updating us - come by anytime! I will be keeping you and your whole family in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))
Lisa
Well today has been another bad day for me. My Grandmother (my dad's mom) has also passed. My brother called and told me she passed at 3 o'clock this morning. We also knew this was coming because she took a downhill turn when my dad passed away. We don't know if someone said something to her about my dad or if she just felt it because we were all there. She has been in a care center after a stoke and falls. She just turned 93. I did get the chance to see her when we were there for my dads funeral and I knew, again, that it would not be long. She knew I was there and I was able to tell her I loved her and rub her head until she fell asleep, she had been doing alot of that. Anyway just wanted to get it out. Both of them gone within 11 days, hard to believe.
:-( Oh gosh...when it rains it pours, doesn' t it Carla? I'm so sorry for your loss, again.
It's interesting that you feel like perhaps your grandmother felt her son's passing and then let go herself. I've known several pairs of people that passed closely together that had me wondering if there is some truth to that.
Thank you so much for the update. I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts. *hugs*
Thanks to Laura, Lisa, and Missy and Rebecca. It really does help to have the understanding from all of you. Missy, I know what you mean about people dying in pairs. I've seen it it happen with the work I do. One sometimes cannot go on without the other. I continue to have tough moments , not sleeping well, moments of crying, etc. but I know that will get easier and I have a great support system including this site and all of you. Thank you for that . I hope I can offer the same to those that need it. We have recieved some good news in the midst of all of this though, my daughter who graduates this year recieved a full two-year ride to the community college here and if she does well, it may be that she will recieve the same full-ride to Washington State University here in Vancouver. So that was welcome news yesterday. Good things do happen in the middle of bad. We need to always have our eyes open to the joys as well. I have to tell you what happened in the middle of the night to my youngest daughter. She woke me just before midnight with a look of joy on her face that I still can't describe, to tell me that a feeling came over her and she heard her grandpa's voice (my dad) clear as a bell, and he told her that he was OK and to tell me he loved me. Then she started to cry. I will never forget the look on her face! I totally believe in those things and she has always been very "sensitive" to those things. Anyway, I took that as a sign also. I said from day one that I would be looking for signs from him and there have been a couple, but this was huge. I guess what I'm also trying to say is keep your mind and heart open to the idea that they will come to us as they can. Signs are there . Allow yourselves to recieve them. Well, enough for now but again, thank you all from my heart.
Oh, Carla, I am so sorry to hear the news. ***HUGS*** I can't imagine the heartache and loss you must feel.
On the good side, congrats to your daughter! My brother in law works at that WSUniversity campus and I think it's absolutely gorgeous, with lovely views of all the mountain peaks from the center courtyard, so I hope she does get to go on to there!
Wow! Congratulations to your daughter! You must be SO proud and she must be so proud of herself! That's wonderful news! 
Dear Carla,
Please accept my sympathies. I truly feel for you. I know I lost my sister, grandmother and uncle all within three months of each other. It was awful. I dreaded having to go to the funeral home. It just seemed like one sadness on top of another. You think I just can't take anymore and it starts all over again. Time is a great healer and as you say one day at a time is the only way to get throught it.
Star,
Thank you for your response. I know that what you went must have been so hard also. I truly do it day by day. I think that is all one can expect to do. You can never prepare for the aftereffects thats for sure. I have a really great support system though, and that's the key right now I think. One day I think I'm doing OK and then I lose it. And I do know I need to go through the process and that does take time. I just remind myself to allow myself that. It sure helps to have people to talk to, I love this site!
Carla, so sorry to hear about your grandmother! I'm sending you lots of good wishes and warmth. And great news about your daughter. I also just wanted to corroborate your daughter's experience - my mother had similar experiences. And, in the middle of last week I was talking with a neighbor about his mother and a recent visit he had with her in a nursing home - she's in and out of coherency. They had been planning to take her to visit her elder brother in the next few weeks when he died. They hadn't told her he had passed, but she knew anyway - saying to her son, 'I was hoping to see him one more time, but its too late now." I don't know your religious beliefs, but I'm a buddhist, and one of the things we do is say a set of prayers every day for the first 49 days after someone passes. I think the idea is to help them on their journey. I do know that its been really helpful for me to have a specific 'something' to do that helps them. Somehow it has made me feel better. Anyway lots of care to you!
Thanks Rebecca, You know, I believe that we all believe in one way or another. I try to remember to say a prayer every day because I believe they do get heard and it helps me to just cope.sometimes. Miracles have been worked in my life . I believe prayers are heard and prayers are answered, we just have to be open and listen quietly for the answers. I think with my grandma, she just felt it and could not go on, it was just the final straw for her to lose her first born. She was OK one minute and then she stopped responding to everyone. I'm glad I went to see her in spite of it being the day of my dad's funeral. She knew it was me there because she opened her eyes and said my name. I'm her first born grandchild and we have had something special and it's the good memories that I will carry forward. Like those of my dad. The problem I find myself having right now is wondering why my dad and I didn't have a better relationship at times, there were alot of factors over the years. I just tell myself that it's another part of the process, I can't answer that and I also can't dwell on it. There are alot of good memories and those are the ones I will cherish the most.
Dear Carla,
Man you have really been through it, haven't you? I commend you for reaching out and writing to all of us. Listen, I want you to know thta I totally understand about what you are saying. It has happened to me with my Mom. I want you to know that you will feel better if you think of all that time you and your Dad lost by not getting along was your family process. And you made it!!!!! You became good friends!!!! He even said sorry!!! It's okay. And you know what else??? So he wasn't perfect. He was pretty darn good ---He made you!!!! And from all the mistakes you made---and he made---you know better---you know to teach your children differently, so they don't go there. You are so lucky. How lucky you are, Carla!!! Cherish your good memories! Learn from the bad, and set them aside, your Dad loves you. And remember , ask God when you need strength, or guidance, forgiveness, wisdom, etc... he can do anything, and we are limited. Hugs. K
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