Moms unwillingness to leave the house

Hi PT,

I think you've just asked the million dollar question. How do you balance care giving and allowing your loved one to give up? My mom and I went through this with my dad and it honestly almost sent me into therapy.

It seemed like everything was just too much effort for dad. Taking the shower, shaving, getting dressed... Motivating him to start the process before any outing would make me nuts. "Get in the shower, dad." "Dad, get in the shower." "Dad...shower." "DAD! We're leaving in a few minutes. Shower!"

I also felt like Dad's isolation contributed to some other weird things. He sort of lost his political correctness. He seemed to get impolite (we'd be somewhere 10 minutes and he'd be like "Is it time to go yet?"). These things made going out with him sometimes undesirable.

Is there anything your mom likes to do? Is there something you could schedule with her weekly? Sadly, my dad is no longer with me, but I don't regret insisting upon engagement. I know it would have been easier for him not to participate in some of the things we were doing, but that would have been like allowing him to just give up.

Like you described about eating, Dad didn't unless someone made something for him. I'd even be out with my mom, she'd call him to say "I made you a sandwich and it's in the refrigerator for when you get home." His reply? "I'll just wait for you." So that meant she had to hurry home because she didn't want him going too long without eating. sigh (with this all said, though, I miss him so much.)

The shortness of breath needs to be checked by a doc. That could be a symptom of so many things...some of them easily controlled. And in recently talking to my mom's doctor, COPD can actually present less symptoms if the patient moves more. Lung capacity can be improved, I believe.

So now I'm totally rambling, but maybe a "come to Jesus" talk is in order with your mom. "Mom, the doctor said xyz and I believe you're capable of doing more with and for yourself. I am here to help you, but it makes it so much easier on me if you help yourself as much as possible. Plus, that effort is good for you and may ultimately help you feel better. If you take all of this information into consideration and decide nothing will change, I can't change that. I will be here to help you. But I ask that you do your very best...or at least talk honestly with me about how we can work better together."

Hopefully something I've said helped.

Thanks for your answer. It helps to have someone to talk to. Recently a doctor told my mom that she needs more protein in her diet so she can be strong and I see her trying on that point. Also,we know she has a breathing problem as she is on oxygen and a Bipap machine for her carbon dioxide retention which I guess is similar to COPD. And she is under many doctor's care and this next week at her appointments, I am going to discuss this because if she is failing, well we can't do anything but if she can get some help with her quality of life, I want that for her. SHe has also been told by many doctors that she needs to exercise more but she doesn't want to because it's too hard to breathe.
I guess maybe I'm having a difficult time with this because Mom used to be my best friend and confidante and that has totally changed and I need to accept that. And I know I may be losing my best friend. Thanks for the input. We all need to reach out sometimes.

Hi--these posts show a lot of sensitivity to what might be going on physically; having experienced somewhat similar issues in caring for my husband, I'm wondering--could your mom be anxious? depressed? unable to sleep? taking meds that exacerbate these conditions or cause compulsive behavior (like the excessive computer usage)? Maybe the docs could look into some of these possibilities. Also, I realized that incontinence so severely affects the self esteem that people really don't want to be around others because they are so self-conscious or embarassed. You say that the diapers have helped but is there any way to make your mom feel more comfortable/safe when she is wet? Are there times of the day when she might feel fresher and therefore more ready to go out? Just a few thoughts--hope you can find some solutions. Take good care.

My mother had surgery to repair a compression fracture about 6 months ago. During recuperation she was extremely lethargic and tired all the time. Not like my mom,. She would sit on the couch all day and not want to do anything because it took too much effort. She did not eat enough to keep a bird alive. Finally I quit waiting on her and made her get up and do things. I made her go for walks with me just short distances at a time. She began to pick up energy and want to do things. Now I can't keep up with her. A lot of it was due to depression and lack of proper eating.

This site really helps me. Knowing there are so many of us in the same predicament, this is a way to vent. My mom is doing the same thing. She does nothing for herself except walks to the bathroom. She wears depends so sometimes she says she couldn't hold it. She seems to have forgotten how to use the microwave to heat food up for herself. She would rather eat a granola bar. Refuses to go out except to the hair dresser, has no desire to visit the great grandkids or have them over. Won't get in the shower so I have to sponge bathe her. Her psychologist suggested tests to determine early signs of dementia. Sometimes she knows things and other times she seems confused. So I'm thinking...if one wants to give up and just "rest" all day, who are we to "force" them to be more active?? I believe that old age affects people differently. Some just can't make the effort to get stronger. I tried making her walk with me outside, short distances. She only got more tired. Now she has regressed with her walking. The Dr. ordered PT to come to the house and have her evaluated. Hopefully I can get Respit to help out. BUT the DR. did tell me that I had to take care of myself First, so I go to the gym 5 days a week after I get her changed, fed, and medicated. He told me I should make her do more for herself...she doesn't so I end up doing it all. Yes she suffers from depression and anxiety.

Have her doctor mention the positive points in exercising and just getting some fresh air. Will she listen to him and take what he/she says into consideration? You just need to her WANT to go outside. Does she have any friends in the area? Set up get get togethers with them, if possible.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes

K Johnson Hi, I know this is an old post but I just wanted to let you know that recently a doctor told mom that the reason that she is so tired and unmotivated to move is that she has lost weight and lost muscle and without it, she is losing strength. So, consequently she has embarked on a high calorie, high fat diet. She lost 4 lbs in 6 months and now weighs 94. Don't know if this will help but I do think she is regaining some stamina and hasn't had a dizzy spell since she started eating several small meals a day. And at christmas, she even wanted to get out some cards (which she didn't last year).