I'm so sorry for your loss.  *hugs*  I feel strongly that we are our own worst critics.  I would never be as hard on anyone as I am on myself.  And in my situation, it's because the people I'm caring for, my family, are the most important in the world to me.  Of course they deserve the best!  Can I always provide it?  No.  But do I always love them and let them know that?  Yes.  No other caregiver or facility can do that.  You are your mother's child.  No one could ever take your place to her.  Have faith that she took comfort in having you near in her final days.  I'm sure that was a huge comfort to her. 

One thing I may suggest is finding a local grief support group.  I'm betting the emotions you are experiencing are normal and others who have been in same situation have some great advice on how to cope with them.  Hopefully someone else will reply to you here, as well.

I can totally relate to the guilt. Its almost exactly a year since my mom passed on. 

I would like to have been able to do more, but I did the best I could.  Which wasn't always what I wish I could have been able to do.  I wanted to be superwoman.  Ha! So I've finally been able to come to a place where  I stopped beating myself up.  I feel more compassonate to others now.... understanding how hard it can be. 

btw,our local hospice organization has 8 week bereavement support groups.  A friend did that last year and found it really helpful.  I find it really helpful to just talk.  Most hospitals have groups too.

It was kind of funny -  just after my mom died I was at work, and  a woman came in for something and we started talking about all sorts of stuff, and then I just started blurting out about my mom, and she opened right up and told me all about her mom and losing her and it was just, well sort of sweet and amazing.

Missy you have such great perspective.  I just love that about being your mother's child.

hugs to you!

I totally understand about guilt surrounding your love one. I can't say I know exactly what you are feeling since mine is still alive. I know that you were there with your mom providing all the love anyone can show. No I didn't say perfectly but to the best of your ability. A mother knows the heart of their child for she held it close to her own for 9 months. There never seems enough time for anything anymore but you showed her love in one way or another everyday. Losing her hurts and will always to some degree, but carry her close to your heart always remembering we don't go by our feelings because they are fickle, but we go by knowing that grace was shown to her through you.

Charlene

I'm currently caring for my husband of 32 years. He is seventeen years older than I and has always been the boss in our relationship, now that he has end-stage congestive heart failure, I want him to keep the respect that being in charge has always given him, how do I do that and still make sure that things are done right? Sometimes he  doesn't think as clearly as he once did. Sometimes too, I get so tired and he really hates it when I have to go to the store or to the Dr. and  leave him with one of  our kids. How do I take care of us both, my health is not so good either.

Hi strugglingsue,

That sounds like a bit of a difficult time now for you all.  I think the reality of the situation is that we want to be in control, and the more that is out of our control, the more frustrated we become.  But at some point we really do have to surrender and give up. This can in fact open up the door to amazing and wonderful experiences of light and love and appreciation.

This is a good time also to find a balance of caring for oneself in the context of a relationship.  One way is to be really together when you are together and then really caring for yourself when you are doing that.... the quality of it.  (I know I go off to do something, and I can spend the entire time talking to myself about what I should be doing, and why I didn't do this or that....and I end up completely missing the little time to care for me.  big hugs!

What do you think?   

i lost my mom this past year from an car accident so i know how the pain is. im only 17 years old. but i have learned alot. my mom was 37 and she always was looking out for me and my sisters. and its really hard to deal with that so i know how the pain is. trust me . i do.

I'm so sorry for your loss, mommasbabygirl.  *hugs* 

I first took care of my Grand-mother befoe her death. She was never a grand-mothet to us even though we were her only grand-children. It made me feel good to be able to do this for her since I knew it meant so much to my Father. Ten years ago, I lost my Father, Mother and Husband in one year. They were not sudden deaths and we will never be the same people we were. A year and half ago I took care of my Mother-in-law for a brief time before her death. Afterward I stayed with my Father-in-law, taking care of his daily needs until his death two months ago. The reason I mention all this is because I think the feelings you are having are quite natural. I do it all the time, Maybe if I had done this or that, I could've done more, I should've done this or that. Sometimes I think we punish ourselves because we are still on this earth and they are not and it makes us feel quilty and are afraid to enjoy life thinking it shows a lack of love and respect. They would not want that for us. I have to tell myself quite often just how much I did for them, that I did everything in my power to show them how special they were and how much they were loved. I know in my heart that I gave them the best treatment possible. I know God knows this and thats all that matters really. I have had other re-affrim this but no matter what it still creeps in my mind that maybe I could have done more. I just try to chase that thought away. I know my loved ones have just made a trip ahead of me , are waiting for me to join them and one day we will be reunited. Take care and know in your heart that you did all you could do.

May I also add that eventually you will need to quit mourning their death and start celebrating their life. For each idividual it is different but this is what worked for me. One day I decided I wasn't going to dwell on the saddest day being the one when they left us. I had so many wonderful memories of their life, why was I concentrating on the worst. It was at that moment in time that I decided that they were such wonderful and loving people that I would start celebrating their life of the years and many memories that out weighed that one day. There was way more to them than just that day so why focus on just it.

So well said, Sid!  I lost my dad only three weeks ago yesterday and I'm still, very much, in mourning.  But what you said, makes a lot of sense.  Thank you for posting it.  And I'm sorry for all of your loss. 

my father died yesterday. he was 89. i’ve taken care of him for over 6 years (every day). i would do it all over again in a heartbeat. it was hard at times (i have a daughter and am a single mom). but, the last 6 1/2 years were some of the best memories i have of my dad. maybe it was because he had dementia, but he was more open. he shared himself more. he became more real. he was a great man. he was an independent man. he had his own business, paid for his retirement and his employees’ retirements (without the government). he didn’t expect his government to take care of him. he chaired the finance committe. he was a pilot (flew all over the world). he was honest man, a strong-willed man. i truly believe that his was the greatest generation. he worked hard. he played hard. he supported his family, community, and state. he was appointed as head of the aviation board and made frequent trips to washington, d.c. he was respected by all. he graduated top in his class. he strongly supported education. he would say that “you can never get enough education.” he loved his family. he believed in family. he was a perfectionist in everything he did. he was my dad. he was the best.

i'm trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and it's a big puzzle with complicated pieces.  i can't seem to sleep.  just when i'm about to go to sleep, i wake up, wide awake.  i'm exhausted.  does anyone have any nondrug ideas?

Hi logan,

I'm so sorry.  How heartbreaking.  I was in your shoes just a few weeks ago.

I think I still sometimes live in "wide awake" world.  It was bad for the first two weeks, but now only happens a night or two a week. 

It feels like time should stop to commemorate your loss, yet it doesn't.  It felt like those night-time hours were mine when things were still.  It makes no sense because I just ended up more tired the next day and, thus, more miserable, but I sometimes feel like those nights help me get a grip.

It will get easier.  It gets less raw.  We're here for you.  My heart goes out to you and makes me miss my own dad.  *hugs*

i am sorry for your loss, missy.  thank you for your kind words.  maybe those night-time hours are to be embraced rather than feared or resisted.  maybe in the stillness of the night my dad's spirit would be felt if i would just stop fighting his death.

my heart goes out to you.  we were lucky to have such great dads.

I lost my mom in 2004. she was 39 years. i know what is the pain of losing mom .... i don't have words for mom . MOM i love u