Just Moved In With My Mother Suffering From Depression

Honestly I do understand this completely ("just want to run away") My Mom was diagnosed with throat cancer in July 09, went through chemo/rad with her, driving to appointments and dealt with her grief, anger cycles. Now that she has completed all of her treatments and has no interest in figuring out a way to save her life. She does that same thing, just sits home and refuses to go anywhere. So I have completely accepted this. It was the hardest thing for me to do, but I just gave her space. If she wishes to sit home and deal with depression without medicine, then so be it. Live and let live. My life is very complicated (but no where as busy as yours) but I have no time to deal with someone who wants to be selfish and choose to suffer. You have done your very best to help her cope with the really scary issues such as homelessness and loneliness, that alone should ease your conscious. As far as your husband goes, he loves you and if he loves you then he is willing to help you through this hard part of your life because it isn’t always going to be this way. There will be a time in your lives when it will just be you and him, but at this point, you have to work through it. My husband of 27 years has his moments, especially after seeing me deal with my Mom, but is always there for me whether I need to cry, be angry or just need him to hold me. One last thought, maybe if you had a holiday or day off from work, go to one of the Senior Centers with her (if you can get her out) and hang out for the day and that way she has some support and can "test the waters" but most importantly, she just might make a friend or two! This too shall pass my dear.

Your mother is just in 67 with few health problems. What if she lives to be 90 years old? Do you and your relatively new husband plan to live with her for the next 20 years or more? If you moved in to help HER financially, is there a plan in place for her finances? Does your mother take meds for depression? If not, will you take her to a doctor so a medical pro can diagnose her and treat her? Sounds like there are lots of issues with little planning. Sit back and write down a plan. It's difficult, but you need to start. Good luck!

I have two daughters 16 and 13. They take up all of my time with their problems and moods. Financially they are killing me - private school fees etc. I have a boyfriend but he cant move in because the girls just want me. According to you I needed a plan from the age of 1. Should I have put them in a home, boarding school, let the state look after them. It is only Western Society that shuns our elders. For centuries they have had "respect" for what they gave up for YOU. You are a selfish, conceited and egotistical person. Give more than you take and you might be happy. God, I give every single day, and more..... My children, I hope, would never thinnk about me that way... but hey they shoot horses - so why not the old. have a nice day

Thanks to each of you for your unique replies. I appreciate the ideas and the encouragement. Just so everyone will know my mom has been on medication for the depression for the last 10 years. She has been hospitalized for it 5 times. She has a doctor that she see's reguarly to monitor her meds but she is having some major difficulties now and actually since I last posted she went back to see the doctor last Thursday because the panic attacks were getting so bad she could hardly function at all. He sent her to the hospital that day...she is in a geriatric psyc unit which only works with patients 55 years old and older. This is a much better situation than having her in a unit with young people that may be dealing with many other issues. She is doing some better but over the weekend I found out that my husband and I are going to have to drive to Chicago Thursday to pick up my daughter and bring her home. We will leave early Thursday morning and get back late Friday night. When I told my mom about this she became upset immediately saying that if she came home from the hospital before we left she couldn't stay by herself. I guess I am going to have to find someone to stay with her while I am gone. I actually asked to have the doctor call me today so I can talk with him personally about her progress and the amount of care he feels she needs. I try so hard to do all I can for her.....I don't want to sound selfish but if I truly felt that she needed me every minute that would be an entirely different situation but I think she can do alot on her own but she thinks now that we are living with her I am going to be her caregiver and that is hard to accept. Anyway....please just pray for us...pray for her that the changes that are being made to her meds will work and she will come out of this once again....and pray for me and my husband that we will handle this gracefully. Thanks again for the replies! Have a wonderful week.

I shall pray for you and your family. Please just try to do your best and "let it rest". Remember, no one, such as "really" has a right to judge you. Moments do come where you feel totally overwhelmed--try to take a time out to compose yourself. When I was taking care of my husband with cancer, I got some good advice about "punching a pillow" until I was exhausted.

God bless you and give you strength!

Just wanted to weigh in, am caring for my Mom with Alzheimer's. It's new for me and she moved in with us which is very difficult. At points she was very depressed, not doing anything, sleeping all day and night... Was recommended to a psychiatric nurse practioner who made a world of difference in 1 vist. She put her on an anti-depression drug, but I also think just the chance to talk to someone helped tremendously. Really try to get her somewhere for some help or you will be drowning in depression yourself. Good luck!

Capecod. I am glad your Mom found the help she needed. I have had my dad living with me for 2 years. He is in early stages of Alzheimers. He also has several things wrong with his brain, fluid on it, shrinking brain, and blood vessels deteriorating. Several scars from mini strokes and 3 major strokes. It has definately been a struggle. The thing I wanted to mention to you is the anti-depressants. My dad was put on them by a neurologist 6 weeks ago. He started at 20mg, then 3 weeks later went to 40. Well when Dad started losing control of his bowels I was told it was just part of it, the Alzheimers, I decided to try and see if I could change that. he only lost control of his bowels after being put on 40 mg. I decided to go back to 20 and thank God he now has control again. He has been incontinent ( bladder) for over 2 months and I don't think that will change, but at least I don't have to deal with the BM's in his pants just yet. Just thought it might be worth noteing to you, in case something similar happens to your Mom. Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you, what we have decided to do for our parents is no easy task, but well worth it in the end. Rellim

To ?,, Punching a pillow, and what did that poor pillow ever do to you???? Just kidding, that is very good advice. as a matter of fact I recently purchased some new ones on sale, just because they were on sale. now I know why! I have my dad living with me ( 2years now) and at times I would just like to run away! Not only will punching a pillow be good for getting rid of frustration, it might be good exercise if I hang it up. I am trying to lose some of my excess inches around the waist and that is not easy to do when I have caught my self eating out of frustration. Anyway, my hat goes off to all of you caretakers and you are in my prayers, hugs to you all.

My heart goes out to you. Medication can make a world of difference, but there are some dependency issues you mentioned that sound a little different than just straight-up depression. I'm not a professional, but have worked in a psychiatric program for the last three years. I was warned that some of our patients with personality disorders would try to get me to do things for them that they were perfectly capable of doing themselves, and that I was not to let myself become 'enmeshed' with that behavior. It's called manipulation, and it's damaging to any caregiver if they don't set very clear boundaries concerning what they will and will not do.

You mentioned that your mom became upset and said she could not stay at home by herself for a few days. Granted, I don't know the whole story, but that sounds like manipulation to me, because 1.) Yes, she could 2.) Or, she could find someone to stay with her; home-care agencies do that all the time 3.) Or, she could pay to stay for a couple of days at a facility that offers respite care, and be treated like a queen. The fact that she is pressuring you to make sure she is not made uncomfortable, with no thought to your own comfort or convenience is a red flag, to me.

One other thing that my co-workers taught me is that, if we are working harder to help a patient (read: parent) than they are working to help themselves, it's time to step back and take an objective look at the situation. Of course, sometimes someone is unable to do for themselves, but just be sure it's genuine inability, not manipulation. If someone needs to make some changes, but you are making them very comfortable where they are right now, they don't have much motivation to move out of that comfort zone.

Caregiver types are giving, by nature, and it's so easy for them to get sucked in to doing more than they should. Drawing a line as to how far you'll go to help someone is not selfish - it's essential. This might not be at all the issue with your mom, but just be sure you take care of yourself at least as well as you take care of her, or your frustration will continue to grow.

Good luck and God bless!

Hi, I don't know if you still read replies from here, but I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I was reading this and your mom sounds exactly like mine. She too has been suffering for years and takes medication for it. She always has episodes for long intervals where she tells us she can't be alone and that she needs help. I am really busy with school and she always makes me feel guilty. I'm sure it is not manipulation like someone suggested because I have experienced it first hand. We have been going back and forth to the doctor, but nothing changes. I truly know how difficult it is for you because I couldn't imagine trying to do this with kids. I will keep you posted if anything changes or we find any alternative solutions. I hope you can get your situation sorted out.