Is there any help out there?

hello, Micheal,

You are a fabulous son. I can feel the love you have for your mother in all your words. I am so sorry for your difficult time.

Our community is made up of caregivers just like you, and other care recipients, sometimes, too. Keep posting how you're feeling and we'll be here to listen. :)

Micheal, I want to echo what Laura said. We're here for you. How amazing that your mom is going on 2 months. Yet I'm sure her care must sometimes feel overwhelming. I'm glad you reached out for support here. I'm hopeful you'll be able to connect with someone who can share experiences with you.

Michael, yep, I totally get it. My mom was critically ill last year with something called C Diff (clostridium difficile). She thought she had the flu so I took her to an Urgent Care. The doc there called 911. It's a very weird thing when the doc is clearly in a panic...not much has ever scared me more. She was released from the hospital only to be rushed back in again (dang insurance! They sent her home WAY too early!) and the second time she was defibrillated to keep her alive. We weren't sure she would live thru it but miraculously, she did.

I have a brother and sister, but neither are in the area, so it's me and mom. I'm the "baby" in the family and mom and I have always been very, very close, much like what you're describing with your mom. I too, sometimes feel very alone, which is why I searched for this forum. My friends are wonderful and supportive as they can be, but they don't really "get it" like someone does who is in a similar position.

My mom has since recovered and now lives with me. I have to say, watching her health slowly decline is very, very hard. It's frustrating because there is nothing you can do to FIX it. All you can do is stand by, be an advocate with the docs for the best care possible and support our loved ones in their fears as much as possible.

How is your hospice where you live? Out here, they offer wonderful support for family members. It IS important to still take care of you. You're being smart about that. Take time to decompress. Ask Hospice what they have available to help you. Take walks, ride a bike, garden or do whatever you do that helps you get rid of stress. It's definitely an exhausting time when you have so much worry. Don't hesitate to lean on others. In my experience, you can only be the "rock' for so long...

Wish I had better advice, but just wanted to say, I get it.

Michael, I just want to say hello, I too live in Ohio. You and your Mom are so young to be going through this. My Mom has COPD but she is 72 and is able to live on her own, with a little help from us "kids". She got sick in July and was hospitalized from a fall caused by low sodium levels and is recuperating fairly well.

Please ask the Hospice nurses about groups that you may join that meet in person. Can they up her pain meds.? or will that interfere with her breathing? If it will then she has to decide for herself how she wants to deal with the pain.

There is a Yahoo group called Cafemoms, yeah I know you are a man but they will not exclude you ! Search the group for " Caregivers of aging parents" or anything similar. They have discussion forums,blogs, Q&A etc. I am sorry that your Mom is suffering with all of this, she is lucky to have raised such a caring man.

Hi Bikerchick--wanted to tell you also what a lucky Mom you have, that she has you in her life. Having to be the caretaker (and chief decisionmaker) because two other siblings are not as involved is not easy. I hope you two have many happy days together, and I am so sorry for the pain you experience watching her decline. I totally understand, as the inability to reverse this course can sometimes feel so hopeless and so draining.

HI Michael: Your Mom is so very lucky to have you as a son, and I am so sorry that you are going through these ups and downs with her. It is very draining, and not knowing what to do when she cannot tolerate the medications. My biological father, during his last few months, was declining, and because he was mentally ill it was difficult to know how he was feeling or to understand his wishes. Though he was a difficult person to deal with, it was very sad witnessing his decline, and very onerous trying to do what was right for him. I found talking to a therapist helped me through some difficult times, and to sort out my thoughts and options.

Also, I wondered if your Mom has days where she is well enough to see visitors (and if you have the time also). Sometimes, just having a pleasant houseguest can be uplifting for your both, and can take the onus off you to have to be the sole communication/stimulation your Mom gets on a daily basis. My stepfather is nearly homebound now (92) and he perks right up when his "young" 88-year old buddy comes over for a chat.

Please know that you and your Mom have chearleaders far away in California who are praying for you both.

Hi Michael, I really want you to know we are here for you and truely understand. I lost my dad August 1 of this year, so reading your entry brought back a lot of feeling and thoughts. Michael please take full advantage of the support hospice has to offer you. Sometimes the smallest thing they can do for you will help so much. Also, keep in mind they don't know your mom the way you do so if you feel you should try something else rather than what they advise please voice your opinion. I was very overwhelmed with the care of my dad and I also had my mom to take care of. Things we thought were right was wrong, thing we thought we should not do turned out to be the exact thing that needed to be done. Please listen to your gut. It is amazing how God will work through you. Not only are you your moms child, but she is his child too. I sometimes sit back and think about the sleepless nights just being there with my dad. And yes it is an experience to watch your love one go but it is such an honor and blessing to be there taking care of her eventhough it gets very,very tough. Your love for your mom shines right through the words you write. Your mom is such a blessed woman to have a son like you. Please know you have people that are praying for you and your mom always. Stay connect with us we do understand.

You are a strong person. If anything comes of this....I plan to share your story w/ my hubby who is only 45 & has emphysema, along with, other serious health issues. Was she a smoker? He has stopped smokin' for the most part, but, tends to pick them up on&off. Also, UTI's are a horrible reality, & even worse the older you get. My thoughts & prayers are with you

Hi Michael - if it helps, I will be 71 next month and am looked after by my loving daughter. After the death of my husband in April 1999, I fell into a "dive" - I missed him so vey much. In February 2004 I was operated on to remove a canceous growth in my left breast. This was followed by 30 radium sessions. In July 2006 was diagnosed with metastatic cancer of the lung and put on Xeloda chemo tablets. In December 2006 was diagnosed with deep vein thrombosis and taken off the chemo tablets and put on warfarin. In May 2007 aged 68+, had the linings of my right lung drained and since them have been unable to work and am breathless. Every medication given me I am allergic to or it reacts to the warfarin so I am in a catch 22 situation but all the love showered on me by my three children is potent medicine and my daughter, Sharon, is such a blessing to me. I know I am dying but when it will be I don't know. I still laugh and indeed I also cry but most importantly I read a lot. Just remember - your mother loves you, Michael!!!!

Rosalie, you are a wonder. Thank you for your encouraging words for Michael!

First of all, I would like to thank each and every one of you for the kind words, hugs, prayers, encouragement, and moreover, being the people that you are!!! You comfort is felt, and its so very warm and it surrounds me.

The words that follow will, and are, going to be some of the hardest that I have ever written.

On October 7th, at 5:06am, my mom passed, and went to be with the Lord. She passed quietly. I, as well as my step-father usually wake quite often through the night. More my step-father than I. He usually wakes 6-7 times a night, and has done so for many years, since my mom has been sick. But, that night, he slept all the way through the night, and only awoke when I told him that mom had passed. I was laying about 8 feet away from her, on the couch, and, all of the sudden, my body seemed to un-tense. I looked over at her, in her hospital bed, and she wasn't breathing, although, prior to that, she was experiencing Chayne-Stokes breathing patterns. (breathing shallow, and at times, not breathing at all) I put the Pulse Ox on her finger, and it would not pick anything up, so I put it on myself to check it, and my heart rate was 215, but dropped to 185. I checked her again,.....but nothing. I called hospice, and they arrived, and verified that she was gone....and let me tell you.....that was hard.

I think that people have a choice when they pass. I think that they can either have their family around them until that last breathe, or they do it quietly, so the others around them do not have to witness that. I think my mom preferred the latter.

We had the funeral service today, and I just absolutely have so many emotions that I am experiencing. As most of you have already noticed, my mom was more than a mom to me. She was a single parent for most of my life, and she took on many roles; mother,father, and friend. May I say, she did one hell of a job at all of them. The sacrifices that she had to make were so many, and I will always me indebted to her for all of them. She really more leaned to being a mother and a friend, because, (and I am not afraid to admit it....lol....but, I am a mama's boy) I think she always wanted a daughter, so, in some ways, I became the daughter she always wanted...lol.....teaching me cooking, baking,cleaning, ironing, gardening, sowing, and all those things. She also make an effort to raise me, and to teach me the ways of how a women is supposed to be treated, and how to respect a women. I must say, she accomplished every mission that she wanted to teach me.

In a way, well, actually, in all ways.....I feel lost. I feel like I don't know what to do next. I am used to calling her once or twice a day, or her calling me once or twice a day, and it's so weird that that is gone.All my family has commended me on the way that I took care of her....putting my life on hold for her, and how much of an incredible son I was to be her protector, her advocate, and her guide. Whenever she was in the hospital, which was alot, I was never, at any time, more than 2 feet away from her side at all times. Doctors and nurses knew that visiting hours never, ever, pertained to me. But, what people don't understand is how much of a hole...a void that is now there.

My family also says that I will experience a degree of relief, because I have taken care of her for the past 25 years.....and, in a way.....I do. But I also feel like that that person I would call to see if the eggs that were in my refrigerator are still good.....or, how long can I keep a steak in the refrigerator before it goes bad....lol.....is gone......my outlet is gone. And just silly things like that are so hard to forget.

I have to admit that I am handling it alot better than I thought I would. I mean, I have had too many close calls with her in the 25 years of me being able to take care of her, so, I knew it was coming. I always hoped that when it happened, I would be married, or have a girlfriend, to help me get through it, but, that didn't/isn't happened/happening for me. I thought I was prepared for it, but, it seems that no matter what you know, or what you do, you can never really be prepared for anything. But, also, I know that she isn't really gone. She is still here with me, and I prayed for the strength to get through this. My family tells me that I am going to be blessed for what I have done for my mom, but the only blessing I want is the strength to get through this, and through the rest of my life.....to maybe help dull the pain, and make the grief manageable. So far, I have that feeling, but, I guess I am wondering how long that is going to last.

So, my advise to anyone out there that reads this....and its a bit cliche', but, it would be to cherish the time that you have with the person that you are with.....love them unconditionally, and be the best person you can be for them...... day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour!!!

I miss you mom, and I miss your incredible laugh, the bright sparkle in your eyes, your unconditional love, and I miss our conversations until we hear the birds outside, the the sun starts shining through the windows on us. I know now, through it all, you can walk, and breath without the pain and difficulty, and I know that you now know unconditional love, and joy and happiness that you not only needed, but, that you deserved!!!!!

No goodbyes.....just, " See you later!!!"

Ah, Micheal, I am so sorry for your loss, but blessings on you to recognize love. (((HUGS))) May she rest well.

Michael, Sorry to hear about your loss, your a great mama's boy. Your mom was so blessed to have a son like yourself. I know you already know this but sometimes you have to remind yourself the Lord has alway taken care of you and will continue to do so trust him.

Micheal, My prayers are with you and your family. No words can make the next hours, days even years easier. You will always remember your mother at her best as your doing a daily task you will turn to her to ask advise and even though she is not there in person she will be there and hear. Having lost my mother nearly 10 years ago my husband, daughter and I speak with her frequently. Never be afraid to honor her by speaking to her, she will hear you. As important as you were in her life, she is in yours. It is okay to cry, to talk about and to her, she is your mother always. God Bless and take care of yourself as your mother would want.

jatmy

Dear Michael (and family): such a difficult time, and I am so very sorry for your loss. What you gave her in life was a treasure, and it seems she well knew it! Hopefully you already appreciate the rare gift that you and she both had -- a very close, loving, fun, and inspiring relationship. Some people go through life never "connecting" with anyone, and THAT is a tragedy. Because of all you have shared you will remember her lovely everytime you witness the things you have talked about together--the sun, the moon, flowers, pets, etc. And may all your happy memories together bring you comfort at this time in the in years to come.

Dear Michael,

I am very sorry for your loss. You have been a good son and as a mother I know your Mom was so proud of you. Remember the good times and that it is never to late to find love. I think your life will always be rich because of what you and your Mom shared. She lives on in your heart.

Michael,

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you lots of strength in this difficult time of grieving.

Best, Kathy www.homecareassistance.com

Our deepest sympathy on your and your family's sad loss, dear Michael. May your Mom be greeted by her loved ones who have already departed and may she find peace now that she is whole again, free of pain and happy. You can still speak to her, you know, and the reply will come in some unaccountable way. I promise you. To shed tears is not inappropriate, it actually is such a relief. As I sit typing this to you, my tears are falling and I pray that you realise your Mother will be at your side, always. I also pray that you will meet an understanding and intelligent lady in the future, not to take your Mother's place, but to be a loving wife. Your Mother will be there to guide you............. All the best in this sad and grieving time - Rosalie and children.

Michael, I am sorry to hear about the passing of your Mother. I hope you continue to come to this page and read the thoughts and prayers sent your way.

I too believe that loved ones seem to know when it is the best time to go-while we are there and awake or asleep. My Dad waited until my sister had left to get some sleep, it would have been so painful for her had she been right by his side. While with my brother so many of us were by his side stroking his face hands, legs and feet telling him that we love him and that it was okay to go.

You are a wonderful son, and must be a very good person to all you know.

Wow....what a beautiful story. I fear the loss of my Mom. I guess we deal the best we can. I agree about the passing quietly, too. My 94 yr. old Grandmother passed peacefully in bed during the day when folks were at work. She had tea/lunch, & looked like she just took a permanent nap. I, also, lost a fiance'(he was 38). He, too, just died in bed. We all hope to "go" in our sleep, I guess. I'm glad you're remembering "the happy moments"....that's what matters. Yes, we all need to savor the small things in life that bring us joy w/ our loved ones. Yes, you'll "see her later!" I'm sure! Take care.