Incontinence - did your loved one request adult diapers or did you insist?

Oh boy...this was such a tough one. Our Mom had many accidents, private and public, before we helped her make the decision that "the disposable panties" were the way to go!   What we finally ended up doing was just having them available in her underwear drawer, as well as in the bathroom next to the toilet, along with personal hygiene wipes, a bigger trash receptacle with a lid and air freshener nearby. It is a process, not an event. ( oh, and the regular underwear was gone!)

My sisters and I have a motto now,when it comes to what is coming up for our 89 yr.old Mom who has mild cognitive impairment, lives in assisted living with a roommate, and is in pretty good physical health overall...our Motto is this:

"IT IS WHAT IT IS"

My second motto to get through the days, and yes, there is always something each day...is

"SHE IS SAFE, SHE IS SECURE AND SHE IS FOR THE MOST PART HAPPY"

(What that refers to is that our Mom gets confused about where she is, she has been in assisted living for 6 wks. now after breaking her hip in March of this year, having surgery and rehab, we realized it was not a good idea for her to be alone. We found an amazing senior community not far from her house, and close by to mine, for her to be at. They have a wonderful lenient assisted living program, allowing those with mild cognitive impairment the luxury of being in assisted living, not memory care, where oftentimes there are wanderers, there is lockdown for that; and inappropriate behavior such as swearing and taking off of clothes....we experienced that first hand,as the first 10 days of Mom's stay she was in Memory Care. That is a whole other story.)

Anyway..I went on...it is what it is. This has got to be one of the most difficult periods of time for me and my siblings. We are all in our fifties and sixties and it is exhausting taking care of our Mom.'

Our Dad, passed away at age 69 and sometimes we feel like he did us a favor by doing so?

I know that sounds morbid, but 89 is hard for us and hard for Mom.

Kit Kat in Corralitos California

I agree that it was a process.  My mom passed away at 92 and the last ten years were assisted living and then skilled nursing care.  She used to wet so badly that they had to replace the carpet in her room.  I asked why they didn't have hard flooring and the answer was the danger of slipping and falls.  I found she was much more ameniable to the "pull up" rather than diapers.  In the end, only bed pads were used because it was easier to keep her clean and dry that way. 

The very first day that disposables were used, we cried together.  We also had a motto:  A person's gotta do what a person's gotta do.  It worked when she used it on me as a teenager needing to do homework, and it stayed with us when our roles reversed.

I never regret any of the time I spent with Mom... only those hours I didn't.

Well Missy ,My wife is incontinent,but she takes wearing diapers it in her stride,so to speak,But living in England she has boxes of nappies (as we English call them) delivered every month  and no payment but it is so inconvienent as she has to take water tablets,because her legs feet and ankles all ballon up, if she does not . So being embarrassed is never an issue .Just having to plan her journeys and tablets.because taking a tablet results in up to 15 loo visits. I am lucky I only have stomach cancer,which just involves carrying enough food, I must keep my stomach full all the time or extreme pain occurs,what a pair we are.she 70 and me near 80 years old but we both enjoy our lives to the full.Getting depressed,we have both found  found,is very depressing. 

I would hate to even count the times that my mom cleaned my behind, washed and ironed my clothes, fixed my meals, hugged me, loved me unconditionally and all the nites she stayed awake worrying if I would come home or not. The list goes on and on. Me and my sisters kept our mom at home, dad remarried within a year. He was not good to our mom. My opinion on this is, it's to me how close you are to your mom thru the years and not only that it's a responsibility that I believe we have.   I am a cna, it's really hard working in these facilities and watch the type of care they "really" get. I have worked in skilled and assisted. Assisted livings are the worst. They don't have to be licensed like the skilled. Believe me when the family is not there, it's a lot different. Listen to your parents and believe them when they tell you that a cna is not good to them. It's the truth. I love the elderly, it's my calling, I have even been terminated befor, because of taking up for them and telling the truth about abuse and neglect. I will still uphold them and they are the reason I love my job. To set at the feet of an elderly person is the most rewarding thing in this world in my heart. Not meaning to put anyone down at all, just telling it like it is. Few were ok with the situation, but when they become incontinent and absent minded thats when the abuse really hits. Take note.

I am sure there is a lot of truth in what you say.  That's why I moved to be within a few blocks of the nursing home where my mom was. The staff never knew when I would pop in.  I also felt I was my mom's PR person.  No one knew her whole life story.  No one knew she had an IQ of 113, that she was one of the first organic gardners, that she cared for my dad's mom who had TB at the same time she cared for 5 kids, no electricity or running water and 1,000 chickens while my dad worked away from home in construction.  No one knew she was very active in her church with a huge love for world missionary work and that our home was always open to teenagers and service men away from home for the first time.  Even though she was a sweet as ever, those who took care of her only knew her as old, helpless, and forgetful.  I was her press agent.  I was her guardian and I took the responsibility seriously.  I made friends with the staff and remembered to bring them cookies at Christmas and chocolates at Valentine's day.  I thanked them every time I visited and hung around the nurses station until they all knew me and I knew them on a first name basis. 

I felt it was the least I could do for both mom, and for them.  On the day mom passed away, nurses and cna's formed a steady stream to cry with the family and to hug mom one last time.  Some showed up in that hour just after she passed, even though it was their day off.  Someone had started the phone calls and the word spread quickly.

In the months following mom's death, I have returned to visit twice with her roommate and another of her friends who is a patient there.  The staff came to find me for another hug and to tell me that their work day wasn't the same without my mom and me there.  I just hope that when it's my turn, some of the same hardworking and caring staff remain long enough to see me through my difficult years and tears. 

I sure hope this next cna job I am applying for will be like the one you described. I miss the former residents so bad I have cried several nites just thinking of how good they were to me and how I miss them. I was terminated for stepping up to the plate and telling some of the abuse, neglect and medications missing. Of course they wrote up false things about me when they saw I wasn't gonna let it drop. Most of my co-workers were my friends as time went on, but at the end I had one friend that still calls me occassionally. They ran scared, altho they were the ones that encouraged me to step up. Once you are terminated from a place you give up your rights to see them again. This is where I made the mistake , I should of quit when the water got hot, but no, I am a fighter for justice, and actually thought I would make a difference. Maybe I did, all of the residents told me from time to time I made a great difference in their lives, by just making them laugh and just being me. My mom taught me how to laff a lot and create humor, and thats what I did for them as they did in return for me. Of course I cared for all their needs the best I could, being always short staffed. I Miss them like a family, they were.

NO matter where i go i will never find those people again, but i will find others that will make a difference and so will i. I needed to tell them bye, I didn't get to. I hope they understand, i never wanted to leave them. i pray that someday i can some how , some way see them again. Two have passed away since the short time i've been gone. i did get a chance to visit one in the hospital befor that. People that don't care for others feelings have no business going into that field at all. But it will always be someone that don't, and for the places i have worked there has been more than one.

Glad to hear you were there for your mom. As for the cookies and treats, that also happened there, but it never mattered one bit, if they didn't like the resident, they were doomed. Sounds like you certainly had a wonderful place, most likely the director over it and the office clients knew how to love also and manage the place. Makes a huge difference. All my thanks to you for your message.

you sound like a dear sweet man. My dad never saw things that way. It was all and still is about HIM. Poor soul, has missed a lot in life by doing that. On the other hand my mom done without to see us have things and loved us each unconditionally. We all 7 miss her like the dickins! Her sweet soul is always with me. So glad to hear that you and your wife and doing what you gotta do and still feeling blessed. So so much heard in your note. Thank you for sharing that and being the man you are. Still lets me know there is kind ones out there, ha, just kidding, there is plenty. thanks again, mary (by the way this goes out to octoman).

In regards to Mom requesting diapers, the answer is no.

In regards to us insisting, also NO.

We did tread lightly on the issue, and one of my sister's was actually very instrumental in getting it clear that cleaning up messy undies vs. throwing an adult diaper in trash was the best solution for the time being. Mom accepted that, and was able to dismiss her embarassment of the situation.

We also took Mom to a gastroenterologist to make sure there was not a big problem. There was not.

Elderly folks' systems are very sensitive. We are careful what she eats and make sure it wholesome and nutritious healthy food. She seems to be fine when that is the case, but if something sneaks in like french fries or pop or chinese food with msg, we are in trouble!

Enough said on the potty talk.

Kit Kat in Corralitos

My mom has been having accidents when I take her to the doctor.  So I decided that she should wear the Depends.  I went to the drug store and picked out what I thought would fit her and took it to her home.  She has been talking about the necessity for depends for some time but I think she didn't want to use them.  So seeing them and realizing that maybe they weren't like diapers but instead underpants and that they were not so bulky helped her to wear them.  I also told her that while I was going through my change I wore them and was very thankful for the coverage they provided.  She is wearing her first one today and will be going on an overnight camping trip on Thursday so we will see.  Also, I have to take her out of town for a doctors appointment on Monday and Know that she will be more secure with the depends.  So My Motto is "Try It, you'll like it"  Even tho it may be a difficult transition to make, being embarassed by the accidents could be worse. 

I work part time in a nursing home (independent care facility) and I try very hard to get to know something about each resident before they can no longer tell me.  I find it to be richly rewarding to know the residents history and then I have an attachment to them and they are no longer just a resident.  So kudos to you for making staff know your mother.  It really does help.  Those staff members who have become numb over the years or are only there for the paycheck are missing so much.  One of our residents died recently and I was one of the last persons to see her before she passed away.  She was nearly comatose but she opened her eyes and said to me "oh sweet sue".  I'm telling you, it made my day.  I gave her a hug and she died the very next day and I was told she saw only one other person after me.  I was honored.

Dear Guber A dear  sweet man,Wow you make feel so good (as the song goes)At present my wifes is having a great time.She is staying with her sister who is a retired nurse of old people.She is a widow and lives in a country bungalow,with lovely views.She is giving my wife  the full treatment,,My wife  has diabetes,anginia,two  replacement knee joints and three prolapsed  disks in her back and suffers from obesity .So far under her sisters loving care she has lost 12 pounds in weight (She has put her on a diet ) the swellings on legs and feet have been drastically reduced .she takes her to a swimming baths,where they lower down into water on a hoist ,Her sister massages her,every day ,When   they are together the air is full of laughter,never a cross word..She was only going for a month,but have told her to continue,as she needs and deserves the care,She has been through so much suffering in her life,bless her.I am getting so much pleasure from the enjoyment she is having.(Will she no come back again?)she assures me she will.Her sister is a really dear sweet person.all my love Ken.They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.It sure does.

PT Cruzr: Thank you for being a guardian! When right is right, and bad is bad, and your paycheck rides on what you have to say about it, it's tough. You must be a good, strong soul, and those you care for lucky to have you.

My 89yr old mom whom I live with now has Alzheimer's. At first her urine incontinence was minor but she ignored the smell and evidence in her pants so I had to start using a thin panty liner in all her underpants in her drawer. Doctor did tests to make sure no infection. As she got worse, she tried explaining it a way -it was "old age" and just "leaks". But she smelled and was making a mess of her clothes and where she sat. As with everything, as all her syptoms have constantly changed, I have had to kindly stop in and nudge and do in a way she doesn't really notice.

I'm currently buying a incontinence pad that sticks in her underpants. I buy them on line to cut the cost (by the case) delivered to the house. I have to catch her changing into her nightgown before bed and help her change to a new pad and underpants. If I didn't she would leave the thing dirty as it is on for days on end. I think she cannot smell and has little reasoning ability left to realize she needs the pad changed.

I keep a baby diaper thing where she changes. One where you push the diaper down an opening and it puts it into a bag in the lower half - keeps the smell in there and then you have a bag to tie off and throw out after it gets full.

I still struggle with getting her to clean. She leaves herself and the toilet with poop because she doesn't realize she's not cleaning herself when she goes to the toilet. Any suggestion that she clean before bed or at any time ends in an argument each time. She insists she already cleaned when she didn't.

I know as she moves into getting worse that this will be difficult. I've read enough articles/forums to know just how "messy" this situation can be and how mentally challenging it can be. Add to that the fact that here in the USA incontinence costs are not covered by any insurance and it becomes a financial burden.

As everyone else has stated, it is what it is and you deal the best you can. I will keep my mom at home taking care of her until I can no longer keep her safe and healthy.

You are so right about being a PR person for our loved ones! My father had to go to transitional care after a below the knee amputation. The place was great. My dad was so traumatized by the loss of his limb,independance, and his familiar surroundings, He went into a depression. He had therapy, PT & OT everyday. I went to see him everyday, and talked to all the staff. I told them of his WWII service, his 8 children, his exploits as a hunter, about the books he had written, his job in the govt. I MADE him a PERSON to them. He started to respond to questions about his life, to tell stories of the things he had done and seen...the staff loved him. I even brought in a baby pic of him at 3 months old. He is now 87 years old, and is incontienent. I am at my wit's end as his caregiver. He sits in his wheelchair and pees AT the toilet. His wheelchair and pants reek of urine. I clean with a pet urine stain remover and wash the pad cover daily. I soak his pants every night in the wash with baking soda and vinegar. At nite he uses a urinal bedside. I have put one in the bathroom, with a sign to "USE YOUR URINAL". His dementia has increased, and he says he never sees the sign. He can't smell the odor. When I tell him his pants have urine on them, he insists it is water from the sink. I started him on diapers, which he was humiliated, but I told him, "Dad, it is just muscle control. Your body and muscles are weakening. This is not a big deal! You still have the ability to get out everyday, and enjoy life." The diapers help with the stool, and the urine leakage, but not with the peeing at the toilet. I have reminded him every time he goes to the bathroom. He says "OK", but still pees at the toilet. I am his daughter, so going in to help him in the bathroom is not going to happen. I dread putting him in a home, because I feel he will be abused, due to his toileting issues. The stress of keeping him clean, and taking him out in public is killing me!

my wife begin wetting herself at home then before long in public.so i suggusted adult diapers several times and she refused at first.but soon she decided to try them.shes been wearing adult diapers every sense.now we are both happy.

Just remember...Depends do not substitute for the bathroom! They are for leakage...

My grandmother, the last week of living at home...she had a UTI, and seniors are really crazy with those...she'd sit up, go #1 and #2....and lay back in it....

Add to it, after she went to the hospital and then nursing home, I threw her mattress out and almost got criminal charges for depriving a senior of her belongings....

it very hard seeing you love ones fade away, my husband had a major breake down 2 years ago, hes more like a 2 year old now, many of my friends have said to put him in an intitution, but he's still young, and i love him so much. doctors say hes stablizing. hopefully he will not regress any further, being very overweight over 300 pounds. hes hard to handle at times even tho hes traped in a 18 month mind, a big problem latly is he puts every thing in his mouth, its very hard at times, but i try to make it as best i can for the world hes thinks hes in, allthow i have gotten some rather rude coments from vistors.people dont get it , love is forever.