Missy I totally agree. Money isn't the reason we celebrate nor should it be the reason we don't cleebrate. I think you have a splendid way to celebrate your mom's life. It will also be a close memory you can have for the rest of yor life.

Charlene 

Missy, your Mother's Day plan sounds lovely. My mother lives in another state, so we're going to have to celebrate long distance. Also, to be honest, she's very angry right now, and I'm not sure how she'll receive any overture from me.

But I love her, and I'll do what I can to let her know that. I'll send her yellow roses, because she loves flowers and that's what my father brought her when both my sister and I were born. And my children are going to make picture frames for photos of them with her. I think at the very least she'll love those.

My mom's a feisty 86 1/2 -- and lives half the country away in the land of Wisconsin. And while she's feisty and plucky and the type of soul who never met a stranger, she's living alone since my dad died about 5 years ago.

I talk with her nearly every day -- and lately, it seems as if I can just hear her loneliness come through the phone lines. So this year, I'm braving the airports and the ridiculous Wisconsin weather -- this time of year, tundra one day, blazing heat the next -- to visit her.

On Mother's Day, she and I plan to open a trunk that's been sitting in the garage unopened since my dad had it shipped out after World War II. It's been fun to hear her anticipation and excitement and to listen to her ponder what may be inside, with the exception of today's question: Do you think there are mice in there?

Whatever lurks within, it will make the big day bigger.

Barbara I don't know your age but you are going home to see Mom. That will be traumatic event for you. My mom lives 8 miles away. Also you are going to open up pandora's box and along with it the feelings will wash over you and try to consume you of the past.. I hope this will be a box of wonderful suprises and i must admit you are brave in more than 1 way. Much bravier than i will ever be. I won't go back to my home town for at least right now. i hope your visit will be wonderful and your visit with your mom ever so delightful. Maybe the box will bring your mom back to your home to be nearer you. Just watch those emotions. Come back and let us know how all went. Congratulations on you decision to brave the weather and still find something to be excited about.

 Oh Charlene:

Thanks for the patting and support--specially appreciated as I pack for the tundra/desert and contemplate what may be ahead.

About that age thing: I just turned 53--old enough not to be rattled by life--but somehow, we're all 12 years old again when we walk through the doors of our family home and get n the grasp on that home town. 

These days when I visit my mom, I try to savor the moments. She truly is a dear soul, but high maintenance. Instead of being annoyed or exasperated by her demands, I tell myself: "The only thing that will feel worse than listening to my mom tell this story for the 20th time will be when she can't listen to her tell it anymore." That helps.

And maybe some day I will find a mantra that makes it easier to embrace the home town, too. Let me know if you do.

Thanks. What is a montra?

Charlene:

I think of a mantra as sort of a prayer -- a phrase to repeat over and over to remind myself of something or help plant or strengthen a thought, as in: "I will not be 12 when I walk through that door. I will not be 12 when I walk through that door. I will not . . ."

I sometimes find this soothing and helpful. But maybe I've just been in California too long.

Thanks for replying.

Hi Barbara: I think what you're doing for your mother is wonderful and even if it's tough for you it will be something that your mother will really appreciate.  I conduct family history interviews and travel all over the country to interview usually older people to preserve their family stories using video.  This gives me the opportunity to meet a variety of seniors and everyone of them has stories they love to share.    They just light up when I start with my first question: "When and where were you born?"  Maybe you should try and capture some of the stories while you're there.  They may seem overtold to you but for your great grandchildren they will be brand new.

Oh Story Saver:

What a great gift you're giving in preserving those histories--both to the seniors who recount them and to the people who can se and hear them.

My mother is a writer--writes to me every day the old-fashioned way, with a stamp and envelope. I am encouraging her to write about this from her own perspective: What was it like to live with this trunk for so long? Why did she think my dad didn't want to look within? What might be inside--besides mice?

Any suggestions for teasing out good fodder?

I wish I were going to be there when the trunk gets opened.  No telling what's in there.  I interviewed a WWII vet once who had some amazing souvenirs from his time in France.  But I also think it's incredibly symbolic that your father literally kept things locked up.  When I interview veterans, I always discuss ahead of time whether they want to share any of their war experiences.  About half of them don't want to discuss the experience in depth and those that do, usually did not lose anyone close to them during the war and were not injured themselves. 

But some are giving accounts who never had earlier.  I am usually hired by the children of those I interview and often they are surprised that their father opened up during the interview about their war experiences.  I guess these WW II vets understand that if they don't tell of their experiences now, they never will. [This is where my counseling background is helpful.  It's obviously a delicate issue.]

Regarding suggestions, just be aware that even though this period of your mother's life was decades ago, it can be very emotional for her.  It's nice that you will be there when she opens it up.  It could contain letters from her to your dad during the war etc.  and those will be powerful memory evokers.  I would also recommend that you open the trunk in the morning when you and she have lots of time to discuss her feelings etc and not do it at night where she'll likely find herself staying awake processing things on her own.

And one more suggestion: Don't throw anything away that's inside even if you don't think it has any value.  It's probably worth something to someone in your family at the very least.  And if no one in the family is interested, ebay is full of people that have interest in WWII memorabilia...even little things.

It's wonderful that your mother likes to write.  It would be great if she were to answer the questions you suggest and then follow that up with her feeling after it's been opened.

I'd love to hear how things go.  Best to you and your mom.

--Bridget

Barbara: I'm curious how it went with the visit with your mother.  Hope it went well.  Care to share?

 Hi Story Saver:

And thanks for your good vibes.

An amazing potpourri within that dusty trunk. A yellowed copy of How to Get Your Bearings: An Information Pamphlet for Prospective Merchant Sailors. Another titled Going Back to Civilian Life. A comb. A rosary. Photos stamped "Passed by Naval Censor," many of them of my mother, with coy inscriptions on the back such as: "I'm not really pigeon-toed. I'm just standing that way."

And yes--a few love letters -- again, all from my mother to my father. Now mine.

I certainly hope that Barbara was able to look past her obvious disdain for the climate of Wisconsin and simply appreciate all that she has in life.  I am a life-long resident of the tundra/desert of Wisconsin and have been caring for my physically frail father and Alzheimers stricken mother, faithfully, for about a year.  My husband and I live within fifteen minutes of my mom.  I just realized how the temperature, humidity, rain, snow,  and yes even sunshine has never entered into how much I look forward to the 'good days' .  The month of May has been actually quite decent.  We have taken walks, rides through the garden parks and along the beautiful shores of Lake Michigan, and even enjoyed a couple weekend cookouts. Seventy  five degrees is perfect for that. For the past six months, I have received telephone calls all day and into the wee hours from my mom asking me where my dad is.  No less than thirty calls per day. He has been in a hospital, then a  rehab facility since December, moving to an assisted living facility in mid-April.  The calls did not gradually decrease....they have stopped completely.  I think that my mom does not remember how to use the telephone now and that is indeed quite sad.  So enjoy the memories while you can, Barbara, her feistiness, and even the high maintenance.  This long good-bye is more emotional than I am willing to admit.  She is moving this weekend into a memory care assisted living center which looks like it will be perfect, but time will tell.  My dad is at the same residence, but resides in another wing with a different level of care.  Selling their home is going to be a challenge.....talk about memories.   I embrace this as a true learning and loving experience in my very rich and wonderful life.