how long should grief last

Hi Deb,

When you find out, please let me know. I'm not usually one to wish away time, but I'm so over 2009. It's been one loss after another, the biggest being my dad. He died in March and to say I'm still "dealing with it" is the understatement of the year. Thankfully it's not consuming me anymore. I've had lots of happiness and joy peppered with tears. I have to keep clinging to the joy, otherwise I'll go nuts.

I don't think there's a timeline for grief. My father-in-law passed away seven years ago and I could still get teary if I think about it too much. I think the key is, though, to keep moving forward. The absence of your loved one will still be there, but don't let your own absence from things you love last too long. You're still living and breathing and have the abillity to be happy.

I'm so sorry for all of your losses, Deb. We're definitely here for support. hugs

Hugs to those of us who grieve and I believe that is everyone to some extent or another. I personally don't believe that we were even created to know loss and therefore even know how to handle the grief that comes from it. Having lost loved ones myself I know how you feel. The best help that I have found is at www.cloudtowsend.com. I believe that they have several CD sets that talk us through how to deal with our grief. Hugs and prayers to you!

We all grieve differently. Three of my children were out of town when their dad died, only my youngest son was with me. He had a living will which no one seemed to want to consider so I had to insist that all extra life-support be removed, make him comfortable and let him go. It had been a long struggle. I fully blame his doctor for the end of life snafu that made his passing so awful. He could have told us days ahead that the end was near so I could get the kids home to see their father one last time. He was in a coma 4 days before death. Although my son and I sat there, held each other and cried, I am still angry at the doctor and my son is angry at me for pulling the life support per his living will (I hope someone is as considerate of me when my time comes). I has been 19 months and I am still being blamed. If you have a living will make sure everyone understands what it is and will comply with your wishes.

Yes, 2009 has not been a very good year for me either. My younger Brother died at the age of 49 on Jan.31. Then my Father passed away on April 21. I had to move my 80 yr old Mother,with mild dementia, to my home to be cared for.I live alone and am trying to work and find care for her too.

My Brothers death hit me the hardest, since we were best friends.My job allows me to work alone. I'm a driver.So I can cry, scream or whatever and no one knows.I still cry off and on when I look at his picture and think about what the future could have been.I don't think the grief ever really goes away,but it gets easier to handle with time.Keeping busy helps me to deal with it better, but I can get real depressed if I dwell on it.

I believe in my heart that there IS something after death and I think I'll be seeing them again when I go; and that makes accepting their death a lot easier. It doesn't seem so final.

I'm so sorry to hear about all the losses.

My heart & sympathy goes out to you. My mother died at age 89 in February of this year, my father is rapidly approaching this experience and no matter what the situation, it isn't easy. Yours is particularly difficult because of the probable misunderstandings. As far as blaming the doctor, it often or usually just isn't easy for a doctor to reliably predict the passing of a person until it is really close. Doctors have so many times called in the family only to have the patient revive and live for some time. And, on the other hand, they have thought that the patient had the strength and will to last days, even weeks, and they pass within hours. I think it would be useful to consider giving up the anger (unless there's other circumstances upon which you didn't elaborate)and just continue the normal grieving process of losing your loved one. Bud

I did the same, no one to be angry with me - only my own pain, even knowing that is what my mom and I both want,it was hard. I did not cry though, until her little dog had to be put down the next day. Even Sugar bear was 19 yrs. old, and I knew it had to be done, I fell apart right in the vets office. I held it together better holding my moms hand as she passed. Mom always would ask me if anything happen to her if I would love and take care of Sugar.

I try and live each day keeping my word to others, it is too hard when they are gone to forgive yourself for failures

My brother was my best friend too. I know it is easier to greiv when you are alone (working) I hope you have someone to talk about what you are going through, it was and is hard for me to open up to friends. Even when I know they care and love me.

Is that one of the people you lost Debwright, or was it more than that...may I ask.

Allow yourself to grieve however you want and also relieve yourself of anger. Medicine is called a practice and when people are in comas its often difficult to make a call of whether that person will come around or not. Not knowing the exact circumstances of your husbands illness, he confided in you as his wife on what his wishes would be when the time came. Your decision did not come easy as we all want to hold on to our loved ones and sometimes family are not thinking clearly. Your husband wished for quality of life and if that quality of life was compromised he did not want to suffer or live just to be on life support. That is not living! I know first hand, I had to make the same decision on what my husband's wishes were when he was so ill, it's a gut wrenching decision but I do have faith in God and the divine plan. Take time and rid yourself of that guilt that others may be putting on you. Talk to a counselor if need be. Just be kind to yourself! Hugs to you.

Barb

I feel that there is no "time limit" on grieving. My dear wife has been gone nearly 22 months now and I still consider myself as grieving. I still have our home pretty much the same as it was when she was here, I have not cleaned out closets or drawers. I visit the cemetery often and take flowers there many times upon visiting. We were married 33 years and so many things that happen every day remind me of her or something that we did together. I have been criticized for some or all of this by a few people who tell me that I need to live for today and tomorrow and move on away from the past. I feel that if you truly loved and cared for someone, you should be able to griev as long as you need to do so.

There's no time limits on grief. Its individual and personal for every person enduring grief. After 2 yrs I was finally able to let go of my husbands clothing, it happened totally unexpected and suddenly. Clothes went to someone we knew who needed clothing and could also use them for job interviews and such. It was a great feeling and another step of getting through my grieving. There are days of profound feelings of loss and it overwhelms me totally. I just let the tears flow. The people who are critizing you, loving husband' probably mean well but they most likely haven't been through a loss such as your spouse. It may come to you letting them go for awhile in order to give yourself time and space. You will always have your wife in your heart and there will be many times things or activities will remind you of her. Its normal. Take care.

I feel like I am "locked in the grief room". In nine months, starting in May 1993 - March 1994 - I have lost 5 members of my family. The second was my 17 year old son - I was numb while the deaths kept coming. My son and I were "buddies" - we could talk about anything and I so miss our long chats on the deck. My Dad was 6 months later, he kept saying my son was all alone and I truly believe he wished himself to join my son - no matter what I said!

It will soon be 18 years that my son has left this earth. He is so very much still in my heart and around me, just like my Dad, Grandmothers, and my Aunt. Last year was the hardest, 17 years - as long as God allowed me to have him. I'm grateful to have been chosen to be his Mom but the hurt has never gone away. As my Mother always said, "I'm the emotional child".

My brother and I took care of our Mother, she passed on Memorial Day 2005. My beloved brother was 20 months later - March 2007. No more childhood memories to share - I'm the sole survivor.

My husband and daughter do not understand nor do they care to help me through the pain. My husband "can't handle the emotional stress I feel", our daughter - she has always been "Daddy's little girl" and doesn't have anything to do with me. A year and a half ago, my husband decided because of the stress he was under from work, he couldn't handle or help me through my losses. He didn't even attend my brother's services - he was there the night before my brother passed but left the next day - leaving me alone to deal with my brothers' services, etc.

How long does the grief last? I'm still seeing a physciatrist and psychologist. Some days are fine - some hit like a ton of bricks. I don't know how to stop the emotional roller coaster and wonder if maybe I'm not suppose to ever be able to stop it.

All I do know is that the fact I'm having to deal with it all by myself and I'm proud with accomplishments are made. However, I still feel very bitter - I didn't realize when I got married 37 years ago, the vows taken could be "Chosen as to when and which ones we want to honor at which time"!

I would never believe that my husband would have done this to us. Given the cards I'm dealt - I can only do the best I can. As long as I still like the person I am, continue receiving help, I know I'm okay. But to be "out of the loop" from my daughter and Grandsons' lifes and my husband allowed to be a part but doesn't share any info, or even consider to include me - hurts as if my heart literally broke. I know when I lost my son, I could feel my heart break - now, I feel like it is truly broken!! I've now lost all my family - what do you do to deal with it all? How can your "loved ones" be so cold? I don't understand it, I don't get it, and I'm amazed that my husband and daughter have turned into self-centered, self-serving people that I don't even know! I'm just numb again!!

Dear Granny2grandsons: I feel your pain and understand the "family" part of it. My parents and stepfather have gone to be with God and my brother and two children do not bother with me. A few years before my wife Patty passed away, our daughter decided without any warning and for no known reason totally broke off contact with Patty and me and she would never tell us why. A year before Patty passed away, our daughter had a son and it broke Patty's heart that she was never allowed to meet or know him. Until the end, she spoke of the pain of that and for that I will never forgive our daughter. Next, there is our son who never visited or called much at all after going out on his own. He did visit his mother a time or two during her fight with leukemia but since her passing has practically treated me like a stranger except when he had his hand out for something. The last contact I had with him was the day he asked me if I would give him his mother's car. When I said no, the conversation ended very quickly and I have not heard from him since. In not having any contact with my two children, I have also lost contact with six grandchildren. Then there is my before mentioned brother. For a little while, things were okay but since the end of last year, he has also become a stranger who doesn't visit or return calls so I guess that is another lost relative. I will never until the day that I die understand how family can turn on you like they have. I am not perfect by any means but I don't consider myself a terrible person who deserves to be shunned like this and I guess I will have to accept it. The one saving light is that my mother-in-law,sister-in-law and sister do occasionally contact me but 9 of every 10 times we do speak or see each other, I am the one who has to initiate it. I feel so badly for you because like I said, I feel your pain and frustration. May God shine his everlasting love upon you and help you to go on in a world which obviously is filled with pain and lonely times. Please accept a hug of support and a prayer that brighter day are ahead for you. God Bless.

There is no set time for grieving. Any grief counselor will tell you that everyone grieves differently and the time varies. Your grieving for your lost spouse or relative shows your love for them. I lost my wife to the awful Alzheimer's disease 13 months ago. 6 months before our 50th wedding annivesary. that was the worst day of my life. I still miss and love her very much. I visit her at the cemetery every day and keep our grave looking nice. I still go to grief group meetings. One group has 9 ladies who are still grieving for their husbands who have been gone 10 years or longer. They all say the miss and pain will always be there but you will learn to live with it. That is the best advice I have received. Some friends and relatives say I should close the door and move on. I reply that there may be a doorway but it will never have a door and I will never move on. Shirley is always in my heart and on my mind. I am taking it a day at a time and there are times I get so lonely for my Shirley that I can't sleep. My male cat who cried and would not leave my wife Shirley's side for 3 days before she died seems to sense when I am sad and blue. When I get that way he will come to bed and lay in my arms for most of the night. This seems to clam me a lot. I also pray a lot and hope that some day we will be together again. I don't think there is any easy way to handle the loss of a loved one. rrc

Had both mother and father that had DNR's and THEN had the Gall to donate their bodies to science!!! Could not believe the way family reacted , mostly because of their selfishness! Told them was honoring parents wishes and did what parents wanted...not what anybody else wanted!

Have had same experience and usually able to carry on, but as get older, having more difficult time with it.

MaxFinch,

You did exactly what your parents requested and you are to be applauded for carrying out their wishes. Donating your body is a way of giving back to medical science in finding more information on a particular disease that can educate and perhaps save other lives so that they may be able to live a fuller and longer life. As you can see people generally are living longer and because of modern medicine in addition to people have taken charge of their lives and being mindful of how to take better care of themselves. Again unfortunately families are not going to agree.

rrc,

You will always have a special place and yet a void in your heart! there is no easy way to handle spouse loss and grief that follows as its individual and personal. However, I do know time will soften the hurt and memories will flood your mind even more. Its great that you had such a long and loving marriage you should be proud. yes, our animals do sense our moods and they too see and feel the losses. As far as friends telling you to shut the door is inexcusable and unacceptable. You can't shut the door that was your life do not allow them to do this to you, you set the boundaries on your grief and do what you need to do to work through it and not around it!

Barb

Loving Husband,

A question came to mind on the ages of your children when their mother became ill? We might see children as adults but are not able to cope or assimilate their feelings on death must less their parent. Do they blame themselves or feel helpless because they were not able to do anything or do they have anger towards you because you couldn't fix the situation. There are so many dynamics and kids do not have the tools to work through this. You know, my husband through his alzheimers disease in the latter stages would make a statement.... that I was not doing anything for him or taking care of him.... this was not true and fortunately the family knew it wasn't true. But if they had believed him being as sick as he was they could have easily turned on me with totally different feelings towards me. I've read everyone's post and I do so as it educates me further and allows me time to understand my own feelings and well see all of yours on these postings. I was angry for a time because my husband died, I was angry w/everyone because my best buddy died, even God I questioned. I'm now able to allow the anger to wane, it wasn't the other peoples fault that your loved ones died, and I couldn't allow myself to wallow forever in this self-pity. I know God has a plan and we don't always know why or may never understand but I can assure you all getting rid of the anger and finally putting your loved ones death in a way that is easy for your to move forward, you will see some "light at the end of the tunnel". I see the parent who lost her son, he would not want her to carry life in depression. he would want her to be happy move forward and do something constructive in his memory. Volunteer, make a special garden, help out another loved one. There is a reason you are still here, to be loved, productive and giving. Make your time count! Love you all. Barb

In response to one's greif, Dough Manning, "Don't Take My Greif Away From Me, I Earned It" noted that everyone deals with greif in a different way. At the workshop I attended, years ago, he spoke of a woman who had a misscarrage and her husband told her to forget about it. Years later she spoke to Mr. Manning about the greif she was never allowed to deal with and in that moment it changed my life. Yes, I also misscarried in April and the next thing I remembered was my youngest son telling me the President Kennedy was dead. Thus, depression was my way of excape the tramma and most of that time I lay on the couch.
Twenty yrs. ago I told my husband I was going to college, to which he replied: "YOU CAN'T DO THAT", earning both a BA & MA in the field of Gerontology (the study of aging) and working with Senior as a Case Manager has been most rewarding. Listening, without being judgemental allowed me to better understand where they were coming from and we worked to get them entitlements, free drugs and remain independent. My latest thing has been playing Scrabble with a 96 yr old widow, who has Alzheimers and yes, she beat me most of the time. That old memory was very sharp.

Hang in there, deal with each day in a way that makes your life more than just thinking about something you have no power to change.

Senior Advocate, Beverley Reynolds, White Hall, AR

Grief is a process you take one day at a time. I lost in 2009 my father in May (buried on Memorial Day) and dog (Labor Day); then my mother in January 2009. It is difficult to have layers of grief on one after the other. It is necessary to work through grief with hope, prayer, crying, and if necessary, counseling. When you lose your beloved family member, you find a place where your at ease with the pain (it never goes away). If you have close friends, you can talk with them. It is hard to lose the people you love, life is everchanging and never the same when you lose your parents.

To Anonymous: It has to be hard on a person losing mother.father and a loved animal in one year. I know a lady who lost her mother,father and a brother in one year. She had lost another brother a few years before. it hit her so hard that she turned away from all her friends and isolated her self. To this day I don't thik she associates with past friends. I can tell you from my experiences that it hurts to lose your parents or inlaws. But there is no pain as severe as losing a loving spouse. As far as talking to friends or relatives about your grief; most of them don't want to hear about your pain. They will comfort you a short time after the loss but that is all. Every one I talk to who is grieving say they go to the grief group meetings mainly because almost everyone there wants talk about their grief and loss and listen to how others handle theirs. rrc

Being able to speak about one grief with someone who will listen (nonjudgemtnally), not only beings releif it also allows one to hear their own feelings. By letting our feelings build up internally may creat stress and that could lead to other medical problems. Stree has been called "the silent killer" because of it's affect on one's blood presure and heart. Learning from others may bring one insight and understanding about one's own feelings. reynwrap

Please have faith in your psychiatrist and psychologist. You are to be greatly commended for getting professional help for coping with your deep losses. Families and friends want to help but frequently do not have the skills to help you process a long grieving period-unfortunately "expecting" them to do something they don't know how to do doesn't work. They give up in frustration and turn away. Anger and bitterness doesn't make them able to do things they aren't skilled at doing. I think many many people with deep and prolonged grief eventually come to the conclusion that they have to heal themselves...it's just a long and painful process. For a few, it goes on for decades like the loss was just last week--but this is far from the norm. I know someone with a grief experience that has caused her to feel abandoned and bitter for over 41 years...she has'blocked grief'--it's much like post traumatic stress syndrome. None of her friends or family have been able to help her and she has declined counseling. Her life has been horrible and very very lonely. Her neighbors, friends and family aren't able to pull her out of the hole. She is deeply depressed and bitter--but again, no counseling nor treatment for her depression.Now she appears to have an addiction. No one wants to end up like this!! I am so inspired by your courage to get "real" help now. Your losses are very, very real--you deserve the best professional support out there. There are many articles on the web about blocked grief. Check them out and take heart. Here's one I like. Good luck to you--you are strong and resourceful. God will watch over you. http://www.wpic.pitt.edu/research/depr/grief.htm