How do we deal with our brother who is in denial of Mother's Alzheimers and he is the one Mother trust the most and has medical power of attorney?

My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in '06. When I would take her to the doctor, he would ask if she cooked for herself and took her medicine and she would reply yes. She was not doing these things, however. I just couldn't tell the doctor in front of my Mother that that was not true. I scheduled an appt. with the doctor and my older sister and I went to see him without our Mother. I told him she covers very well, but that she doesn't remember anymore how to plan a meal, can't decide what to eat, does not cook, and in fact, had told me a lot of time she just plain forgets to eat. She had lost weight, but we thot it was due to our father's death in 2004 and she had been somewhat depressed. I had taken her to numerous tests, ie mammagram, sonogram, X-rays, etc. and everytime I helped to remove her clothing, she smelled something awful. I insisted on helping her before my nieces wedding to get her real good and clean and it was extremely difficult. She denies even still that she ever stinks or didn't shower. She would forget to take her medication. Anyway, we shared all this with her doctor. With the memory loss he had found testing her, and then the knowledge of her not taking care of her own physical needs, he stated she was in the moderate stages of Alz. and needed 24 hour care. I quit my job and started trying to take care of her in her home. I was met with all kinds of resistance from her, but the main resistance we have to fight is my brother just older than me. He denies that Mother has a severe enough problem that she needs a caregiver. My older sister met with him and explained what the doctor said, and his response even still a year later, is that we told the doctor things to try and get Mother into a nursing home. He even tells mother that. They fired her doctor, who she has known for about 6 years. Wonderful doctor. They act as though we did the most sinful thing in the world to "go behind Mother's back" and see her doctor. We told him to go speak to her doctor. He took Mother and we understand from the doctor that they just chewed him out for talking to us without Mother (And yes, at the time we met with him, we were on her HPPA form). We have since been removed. We have found out that this same brother now has medical power of attny although, he says it is not needed because Mother can make her own decisions. I quit my job and tried for 4 months going down and taking care of my mother. Every day, I met with resistance from my mother with her saying she was fine and I didn't need to be there. everything I offered to do, she said my brother could do it. He started taking her places with him and away from the house, wouldn't answer his phone so I never knew if he had her, they were gone for few minutes or all day. Mother lives on a farm and my brother also farms, so he has been around Mother the most....He acts as though that makes him the only child who loves her. We all love her. We all want to help, but our jobs are not right in Mother's yard or across the field like his. So, she fires the good doctor. Has now gotten a new doctor. The brother refused to tell any of us who the doctor was. I did detective work, found out and showed up at her appt. (She had a large nodule come up on her hand....for a month, brother did nothing about it. I saw it at my son's wedding and made an appt with first doctor and he said it might be cancer, put her on antibiotic and to come back in 5 days to try and drain or biopsy.) My older sister went down in 5 days to take her back. Mother refused and our brother was there encouraging her to refuse. he said he had made her an appt with her own doctor the next day....That was the first we had heard of another doctor. I showed up and brother said I couldn't go back. I asked Mother. She said she couldn't be asked to choose between her children. I reassured her I was there for her, I loved her and if it was stressful, I would wait in the waiting room and find out what the new doctor said when they left. I ended up being able to go back. The nodule was cancer and has been removed....but while in the new doctor's office, brother talked about mother's memory loss. I told him she had been diagnosed with Alz. Brother butted in and said no one had told him and it wasn't written down anywhere. Doctor asked about seeing a neuologist and Mother said she wasn't seeing any more doctors. He tried to encourage that there might be more medicine, etc. Brother also said no. I expect Mother's judgement is poor, but brother should want what is best for mother. (Mother didn't want anyone to take her to the doctor about her hand, I had to be proactive and do it and as it turns out, good thing I did....it was cancerous.) Anyway, I made the appt anyway for the neurologist. My older sister and I went with her and we did not tell our brother as we feared he would cancel it. The neurologist said without question she has Alzheimer's and that she needs 24/7 care. She lives alone on 64 acres and in an old farm house. Mother remembered enough to tell brother yesterday that we had taken her to a doctor, but that's all she remembers. I went down to mow my mother's yard today and took her dinner and watch a movie with her. Brother drove up and blasted me for taking her without her consent. Says I coerced her into going and took her against her will. He was mad I hadn't told him about it. I expressed my fears of him cancelling it. He only wanted to argue about how I had called her doctor twice (once to find out what neurologist they use and once to schedule a follow up visit with him ). This all sounds ridiculous as I write it. My brother is not logical, BUT, he has control over our Mother. He sets the mood for her about us. He can convince her to do things or not to do things. He had her screaming at me and cussing which she normally doesn't do. I know Mother's behavior is the Alzheimers. we have talked with an Attny. It may cost upward of $60,000 for each party to get guardianship. We wanted to make calling APS the last resort because we don't want Mother put in a nursing home or assisted living. We want her to be able to stay in her home of 65 years, but we want someone there with her. I am a Physical Therapist retired due to a stroke at 42 but can do most things now. I know about medicine but I don't know how to deal with this brother who has control over Mother, who seems to think that his opinion only matters....he uses the pretense that Mother can make her own decisions but he is just trying to appease her and do what ever she wants. He reminded her around her birthday, it was time to go get her driver's license renewed and he took her. They were revoked and he just took her to another county and got them until we found out and had that one revoked and red flagged.

Our concerns, Mother's safety. 3 doctors have now said she needs 24 hour care. Brother says none of them have put it in writing and told him. He tonight even said Mother's new doctor never said anything about a neurologist. I have even asked him if he has Alz. Dealing with an Alz. patient is draining enough, but this brother with denial makes it seem impossible. He feeds mother's suspiciousness, distrusts, etc and he has our names off the hppa so we can't get documentation. My older sister bought Mother a bracelet from the Alert but brother took it off her...said he didn't want anyone to see she had memory loss. She hasn't wondered yet that we know of, but it is a constant fear. I was with her once when a cow was bawling in the back pen, she thot it was someone calling for help. I told her it was the cow, She kept insisting someone needed help to the point she got up and went out on the front porch then realized it was a cow. One of the nurses said when they hallucinate sounds, you have to worrry about wandering. She does have coyotes in the bottom pasture. The nurse said she may hear them one night and think it is a baby crying. She can't remember anything past the end of a sentence. Today, she didn't even remember seeing my older sister yesterday. She asked me had I heard from her and said she hadn't seen her since the ball game...and I have no idea what ball game she is talking about. I have attempted to move in and stay all night and day, and as i said, my brother interrupted that and started taking her out of the house, locked us out and not answering his phone.

I have scheduled a conference with her new primary doctor for 2 weeks so that he will have all the info from the neurologist and can explain to all 4 of us kids (There are 5 of us but one lives out of state) at one time that Mother has Alzheimer's and she needs to have 24 hour care. This is my brother's argument, but he has been told, he just won't accept it and he denies it. I have a feeling he will either cancel that appt. I told him about it today, or bully his way thru that meeting. What suggestions do you have? One case worker told us to just move her out get her with someone. We can't. He would just come and move her back home. Mother has left the whole farm to him and him alone. I think he is just trying to protect his interest and not have to spend any of his future assets. He 's the one who took Mother to the lawyer to set that up 6 months after our father died. That is not how Daddy wanted it. Mother has always favored him and she rationalizes that he is the only farmer in the bunch and it is logical he gets it... I love my Mother. It hurts to know our Father's wishes will not be granted, but I told brother, even knowing that, I just want Mother's years happy, comfortable and safe. we all do. I would take her for drives, I researched her old high school class and found 2 of the guys she went to school with anc called them where she could talk to them. I found where 2 girls were buried that were killed in a car accident when she was 14 and she talked about a lot. I bought her jig saw puzzles with large pieces and we worked those. She sat out in the yard and watched me clean her flower beds....I tried to please her and do things interesting to her...not just walk in say take these pills, here's you some food and call and make sure she takes her meds as brother does.....

Well, I have rambled on. This is our story and we would welcome any help. Brother accuses us of only wanting mother's money and distorts what gets said as we told him he should sell mother's car and get rid of some of her cows....He construes that as us wanting her money. Mother is 83. we may have a ways to go and it will cost a lot to give her the care she needs and deserves. We just wanted to know her assets and he won't tell us anything. His blanket response is to ask mother and then he programs her to not tell us and usually she doesnt' remember or know anyway.

What can we do?

The Alzheimer's is enough to deal with but his denial is a wall we can't seem to get over.