Hostile/ Depressed Mother

Hi there,

Wow that's a difficult situation, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It does sound like she's simply unhappy and has been for some time.

Here's an article on the site that may help: http://www.caring.com/articles/family-conflict-and-elderly-parents

Please let us know how things are going!

Please know that you are not the only child to be abused in this way.  I am 64 and in therapy to "find my way" .   One of the major things I have learned is that I am not responsible for my mother's attitude, her opinion of me or her mean nature.  Every child is worthy of love and she chose not to give it.  Now I feel it is her loss because I am a pretty nice person and she missed and is missing a lot by being so hateful and self centered.  Hold your head up high ( your siblings too) and go live your own life! 

Hey Anonymous

 I can really try to understand what took you there. All the negativity coming from someone, your mother, who is supposed to be your guiding light in your initial years, your friend in the following years and a person you belong to in the rest of your life, goes a long way to affect how you think and how you interpret other people and their intentions. It has impacted me. I feel lonely and life feels superficial a lot of times. I dont feel the assurance that if something goes wrong, I am not alone. I feel that I have to deal with all of what comes, myself. I am never assured now that I am loved. By husband, by close friends. I keep looking and poinitng to small/big things in their behaviour/ actions that can prove that they don't love me. And then I go into the viscious circle of negativity where I feel alienated. But thats not frequent. I get my act together quickly. I am not sure of the cause of this happening though. I am only guessing.

How is it with you? I hope the therapy is making things better for you.

 I am trying to conI am 27 now. Married and independent. But I feel sorry for her. And I really want to help her. But I have no clue how.

Guys, no thoughts on this one? Please share some views so I have some idea wats going on wrong with her.....I really want to help...

Sorry to take so long to respond to you, have been sort of overwhelmed with projects and visitors the past several weeks. Yes, the therapy is doing me a lot of good, it is for the most part making me understand that I am Not responsible for her happiness, her outlook on life or her perception of me. About the only thing you CAN do is try to be happy yourself, realize that no matter what you do there is no making her happy or accepting of you and get on with your life. Your husband will thank you for not being "remote controlled" by your mother. Your dad is still living I assumed from you post, it is his responsibility to take her to her medical doctor for a check and any any referral to a pyschiatrist or therapist. PLEASE look at what you have with your life now, limit the phone calls to a couple per month and visits to once a year tops until you are feeling stronger yourself. I also think you would benefit from seeing a social worker type therapist, they are focused on guiding you through why you are where you are and how to help you understand the influences in your life that keep you from getting where you wanat to be. I will pray for your peace of mind, joy in your life and for your father to get your mother she needs to live her life in a more productive fashion. Sorry this is so long, I get going on this sort of thing and just want to "make you all better" ;-) God bless.

My story is very similar. My Mother is very critical, negative and verbally abusive. As her health declined so has her temper. I have found alot of help in understanding her behaviour and how it has effected me over the years, from a self help book called " Children of the Self Absorbed - A Grown-ups Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents ". I too am about to start counselling but it was great to read and see my Mother's personality written on a page and very insightful to read how it has effected my thinking. Would thoroughly recommend it!

Thanks Valu. I would make it a point to go through this book. And I am hopeful that it would help. While I can safely say that I have managed to identify the problem slightly and am taking steps to make it better for me(no doubts that it is difficult), what I am facing total helplessness at is how to make it better for my mother. How do I convince her that by being so negative and by not valuing us, she is only making a misery of the time that she has while she could use it in a much better way! Is your mom better now? Did you try something? Thanks again for your response.

Oh how I understand those sentiments! Yes if only my Mother could stop "swimming upstream" (as I think of it), and just go with the flow! She has been fighting and disageeing and complaining and making life a misery, not just for those around her, but for herself too. What a waste of a life. I can see it, you can see it too, but you CAN'T make THEM see it? Oh no! When my Grandfather died (her Father), sure we felt sad, but my Grandfather while he was alive had a ball! He was so full of zest and wonder it was infectious! He had a child like quality, he saw fun and possibilities in everything! As a consequence when he died we felt comfort that he'd really lived his life to the full and thoroughly enjoyed himself along the way. Sadly I feel with people like our Mothers, you just can,t make them see the waste of a precious life this is. My Mother is 76 years old now and I feel that if she's never figured this out for herself by now, then she never will. I have spent a lifetime trying to make things better for my Mum. The book made me see that actually I'm not responsible for how she feels. That my yearning and longing for my Mum to change is the cause of my pain. I think my brother and sister gave up on her long ago but because I was the one who cared enough to want things to change, that I've damaged myself in the process. My Mum will never get well, although she is not suffering from a terminal complaint, it is a slow degeneration. We joke that she's so sour she'll go on forever! Don't get me wrong, advice from authors and psychologists is informative and useful, but it is SO HARD to put it into practice and distance yourself from your own Mother. It is such a close relationship and there is so much emotion good and bad. But for the first time in my life, I've put myself first, I've been forced to, for the sake of my own mental health and I've both physically and emotionally distanced myself from her. As my husband says "your Mum will always be miserable, it makes no sense in you being miserable too, because your Mum will be miserable regardless of how you feel. So you may as well not waste another moment being unhappy". Wise man my husband! You can't change your Mother but you CAN change the way you feel. Thankyou for your response, it is a real comfort to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm sure that when my Mum does die, that the the grief will be that much harder, because I'll be mourning too for an unhappy and wasted life, but I know too that there is absolutely nothing I could do to change the way she see life. It's just her way sad as it is. Hope this helps.

It goes something like: change what I can, accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference. I thought the same with my Mom, all that's written above. Then when I became Mom's primary caretaker, along about the 6th month, it dawned on me that SHE was okay with her negativity. That was Mom's nature, to argue with anyone about anything at anytime. It's from her childhood, 1 of 9 kids. Always complaining during our growing up years: an A should have been an A+, vacuuming was never up to snuff, humiliation, fear, ‘I work so hard,’ etc. Fast forward to 2008. I moved into their apartment the last week of Papa’s life, to care for Mom. I was trying to change her, to give Mom another view, show her a better way of thinking. HA! Mom listened and tried but back to old behavior. I realized not only was I wasting my energy, but I was on a roll to change Mom. She was who she was, always looking for perfection in her kids.

Mom was kind, stubborn, generous, judgmental, loved her grandkids, opinionated, she lived up to her responsibilities. Mom gave us a good home, tho chaotic. Being her daughter and growing up under her care, I have tried to keep what is good and bury the rest. Sure it's not easy and falling back often happens, but challenge is the spice of life. I well remember the meanness and nastiness, but I also remember the other good times to even it out and even come out ahead. Human--Mothers are human, we put them on a pedestal they didn’t ask for. We don’t want that for ourselves either. Amen.